Relationship How can i help him?

[lizbeth27]

Hi,

I've been extremely close to someone for well over a year now.

I have my own problems due to untreated c-ptsd like symptoms which have been diagnosed as all kinds of separate things over the years (depression, panic disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety etc etc etc), but basically they (and another issue) has got the better of me and I really don't function well at all.

So I want to really help this person but feel at a loss...

Onto the actual topic: this person has been so, so good to me, and basically the first person in my life who has really clicked with me.

But this endless, constant kindness and compassion comes from a complex place and although I never expect him to help me and often encourage him to do something directly for himself he feels a driving need. I think he feels if he fixes me I can fix him and we can build a life together and everything will be okay.

He is a lovely, funny, charismatic person, but had a hard time throughout his life, been very lonely, with neglect from his parents, abuse, and terrible bullying at school, although I don't think I will ever know the full extent of it. His dad left when he was young, doesn't appear to care a lot about him. He spent years just living with his mum, caring for her from about the ages of 11-15 before she died. He also suffered bouts of severe mental illness that meant he was in hospital a couple of times, for the years after her death. He was diagnosed with aspergers (i.e. ASD) a few years ago and got even worse generally after that -- he tried to seek out help that did far more harm that good, very patronising, and treated him like an idiot (he's perfectly intelligent).

Sorry for being all over the place in this post. I think the reason I started writing this was because I am so sad over the lack of care he is getting, and I don't feel that he is telling mental health professionals all that he needs to tell them so that they can try and help him best they can. There are things he has told only me about where he heavily implied sexual abuse from his parents. And he hasn't told the professionals this.

I can't begin to image how difficult and risky it must feel for him divulge this information: obviously it has to be the right person. But, he's 30 now, and drifts along, not wanting anything -- he has the kind of fundmental damage to his spirit and self-esteem and ambition that the things he goes through and has been through will be responsible for. I don't want his future to be compromised anymore and I don't want him to waste it trying to help me and get me decent professional support.

But really I think I just want to know how I could go about encouraging him to speak honestly with mental health professionals, especially as I don't want to pry too much and am nto really in a great place myself.

I know this is a long ramble, sorry. Advice would be really appreciated.

 

[Justmehere]

but basically they (and another issue) has got the better of me and I really don't function well at all.

Are you in treatment?

I think he feels if he fixes me I can fix him and we can build a life together and everything will be okay.

You are both trying to fix each other, when really, the only person either of you can change is yourselves.

Focus on your own recovery. As you do your own work, perhaps he’ll be inspired to do his own work more deeply too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If there was a way to talk somebody into getting treatment, all the supporters on here would love to know how.

That's the rub about being on this end... we can't help. We can't fix. We can't talk somebody into seeking treatment/continuing treatment. We can't make them take their meds. We're actually very helpless when it comes to all of this. It's all up to our sufferers. They have to decide for themselves if they want treatment and want to work on their healing. You can try encouraging him to go, but it may be like whistling in the wind.

All we can really do is love them, support them, and get informed. We're just along for the ride. That's scary sometimes.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you are trying to fix each other....well, this could be incredibly codependent. I really don’t recommend this, at all. Codependency kills relationships. (Been there, now fixers are so high on my radar that I freak out when anyone tries to help me in the least.)

You do you, he does himself.

Encouragement and support are great...you just can’t fix anyone else.

 

[----]

Are you in treatment?

You are both trying to fix each other, when really, the only person either o...

Thanks for your reply. :)

I've had a few session with a psychologist recently who has referred me on somewhere else to try and help me get more help, especially for dissociation. I have a consultation in two weeks.

I know, and it's kind of comical really! But when you both really click with each other and can relate, that's such a rare and special thing, and you just want to do what you can. Especially seeing as neither of us have any kind of support network, really.

I wish I knew how to make fighting for help easier when I'm all over the place. I need to build strength and stop being so easily influenced by other's opinions when it comes to my health.

You're right, we both need a foothold.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Guest poster above... are you the OP?

 

[lizbeth27]

Yes, that was me, sorry! I wondered why I was struggling to post normally haha.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You know...

If you are personally going through the process of seeking treatment yourself, and you guys click so well, you could share how much it is helping you. Tell him if it is beneficial. Let him know if it is helping you work through things. How you trust your therapist (if you do).

This wouldn't be trying to talk him into getting treatment for himself, but if he could see it how it is positive thing for you, it may make him think about seeking help for himself.

 

[lizbeth27]

I meant to do this earlier -- but thanks so much everyone for your replies.

Sweetpea: thank you. I will try that. Yes, we do get on well. We both wish we were in a different headspace and place in life when we met, but we're not, so..!

I think we're both very respectful of each other.

Though I think to be honest he's been continuing to put his problems on the back-burner whilst trying to help me in way way he can, which makes me feel more dependent and guilty. If I can just get in decent treatment and just start doing more, I think it will ease the pressure off both of us.

He's a good person. And I think we're both benefitting from someone who likes the other person they way there are (just wanting them to be better!)

I think when someone's not well it can be easier for everyone to tell them to go away until they can come back and be a healthy fully functioning person, but of course, we all need people around us to do that. :)

 

[lizbeth27]

I ought to say that he did talk to MH professionals about his problems with co-dependency... but he's just put on endless waiting lists for help, that often turn out to be not what he'd been promised.

Anyway, yes I'll fight for my treatment first of all.

 

[lizbeth27]

If there was a way to talk somebody into getting treatment, all the supporters on here would love to...

Those are all good points, thank you. :)

Again, I do want to point out to everyone that neither of us are just wanting to be rescuers, or wanting to push the other person into doing things. At all. It's just about caring.

I think we just both realise that it's hard to have a space to even air this stuff: so to know if we even need help, or what help we need is hard when we can't share it with anyone else. Society seems to want people to put up and shut up, so I don't think wanting to help and motivate the other person to make changes that would benefit them is a bad thing.

 

[lizbeth27]

I meant to do this earlier -- but thanks so much everyone for your replies.

Sweetpea: thank you. I w...

Also, please ignore typos!!