Do you talk to the other parent, the one who didn't protect you?

[MoonCat]

Hi guys,

In my case my father was the abuser, but my mother did nothing to stop him, sided with him, covered for him, hid my bruises with clothes and make-up, forbid me to cry because "the neighbours might hear", brainwashed me to think it was my fault and I was probaby insane and threatening to have me committed, taught me that "that's just how men are, I'll look at a husband you'll find, I bet he won't be any better" and of course never called the police or the ambulance.

When I was a child, however, I never really looked at her for these things she did. I hated and feared my father because his abuse was pretty much straightforward, but I loved my mother, because there were also good times, and any happy memories I have are with her. She did care and provide for me when everything was ok, but never was there for me, ignored me and pretended everything was ok when the abuse was heppenning.

I knew she had had difficult childhood herself, so when I was a teenager I had so much compassion for her. Now as an adult who think to maybe have kinds on my own with my kind and supportive partner (yes, mom, those men exist too), I really looked at her. And I felt a newly found surge of anger and resentment towards her. How could she have just watched what was happenning and covered for him? I'd never let anyone treat my cat that way, let alone I child I might have! And for so many years!

Now I am torn between my feeling of love and compassion that I still have for her and the anger and resentment. I live far away from the place I grew up in. She still lives there with my abuser and still plays the role of a perfect housewife for her friends and the outside world. We Skype or write messages weekly. BUT she will only talk to me about random small stuff, like her kitchen garden or what one of my cousins is up to. I am only allowed to talk about trivial positive things in my life as well. She doesn't deny thing have happend, but she denies they had any effect on me. Yes, he is a very cruel man, all the abuse did happen, and she's sorry, but she loved me and did the best she can. She goes to church and prays, so the god had obviously forgiven her. She's over now, why can't I be? She thinks PTSD is just in my head, in spite of me having seen a bunch of psychologists and 2 psychiatrists throught the years. If I mention therapy or the medication I'm taking, she gets offended. After all, it's all in the past, and the only reason I'm still suffering is that I keep thinking about it.

It's funny she was so quick to diagnose me with "crazy" when I was a depressed, abused teenager and was using a threat of committing me to a mental institution to manipulate me, but now when I actually am diagnosed with PTSD by psychiatrists and seek treatment - she resents it and gets really annoyed when I talk about it. (Sidenote: my father, who has nothing to do with psychiatry at all, has diagnosed me with Bipolar, and used that as an excuse to beat and torture me. I think that's where she got the idea and just ran with it. If he really cared about me and suspected I had bipolar, he would've brought me to a psychologist, not use it to justify himself. Of course I was depressed and sometimes had anger issues when I got older, in light of what he did to me throughout all these years.)

Every time I talk to her and she uses that stern, dismissive tone I feel the same way I did when I was a child and she was convincing me I was the crazy, defiant brat and probably deserved it. I mean, as a teenager I did start trying to talk back to him and stand my ground, how dared I.

Her dismissal cuts me to the bone. Growing up I thought I had at least one parent who cared about me, now, I'm not so sure.

I stil want to care for her when she's old and can't take care of herself. But I just don't know how to talk to her without losing my own sense of sanity.

Is anyone else in this situation?

How do you cope?

 

[Friday]

Dealing with people who are being abused is extremely difficult.

I’d strongly suggest working with a DV counselor, because it’s a very different thing dealing with your own past abuse, and dealing with someone who is currently living in abuse. A lot will simply click and make sense (like your flashbacks are her present/past/future, so the best way for someone else to handle you when you’re IN a flashback feeling/believing things that are no longer true, will be similar... but again, different. Because she’s not safe now, and the helplessness/fear/waiting etc. is still true for her... grounding isn’t gonna work. But the helplessness and fear and determination and in the moment, etc. will make a lot of sense ). A lot of things simply won’t click or make sense, because whilst you both had abusive childhoods, you broke the cycle and got out, meanwhile she had an abusive marriage and raised an abused child, which compounds and complicates already complex trauma.

One facet of dealing with abuse victims that you’re running headfirst into is the hyper-focusing on the present. Yesterday? Doesn’t matter. 5 minutes ago? Doesn’t matter. It’s over. Done. In the past. Right here, and right now, she’s on the phone with you and she’s happy. :D That has to be protected at all costs. Both as a survival mechansim, and because it’s one of the rare cherished memories to hold onto in 5 minutes when she hangs up or the next day. The pieces of the past that are allowed to be remembered, are allowed to matter. It’s a super rare thing that abuse victims are willing to talk about their abuse, whether 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago. Parents? Even more so. For many because keeping a brave face for their kids becomes such a knee jerk response. (Okay, let’s just clean the blood up and have some fun, shall we? Yes? Okay!). But there are countless other reasons as well.

From experience, it is huuuuuuugely exhausting dealing with someone who is being abused. I have to mind them, I have to mind myself, I can’t just normal-person them, or expect normal responses from them. They’re going to be reacting and responding like an abuse victim, and it’s alternating infuriating & heartbreaking, but always exhausting.

Put on your oxygen mask, first.

 

[MoonCat]

@Friday,

What's a DV therapist?

Also, she's not abused by my father. She never has been. In fact, she told me had he been hitting her instead of me, she would've left. He never hit her. They were co-existing swimmingly, had I not been in the picture it would've been a perfect marriage for them. Well, a mentally healthy woman wouldn't've stayed with him of course, but my mother saw (probably still sees) him as a demi god, so she was more than happy to kiss his butt and feed his ego, and she enjoyed this role of a perfect housewife from the 50s.

She is a pretty strong person actually. She might not have been physically abusing me, but she played along with my father in convincing me I was insane and therefore deserved the abuse. She was pretty comfortable in the marriage with my father, she enjoyed his money and his house. That's why she's still there.

She didn't keep a brave face on for me while wiping my blood. She was annoyed if I was crying, because the neighbours might hear, and she made sure to make me feel guilty enough that the thought of ever telling anyone wouldn't cross my mind. She did have compassion for me if I fell and scrape my knee, though, which is very confusing.

She did talk about the experiences she had as a child, throughoout my childhood, she also had a very abusive macho father, and I had compassion with her. But this seems to be her excuse for her not having done anything. And I can't imagine leaving my kid in danger like that, if I had one. When she talks about her father and how he hurt her and she recognizes this was painful , but what my father did to me I somehow deserved or provoked in some way.

She's not a little lamb that is scarred by her childhood abuse in the way I think you're assuming. She's very strong willed. What it did to her I think is teach her this parenting model of cruelty, she just accepted it, and saw little wrong with what my father did to me. Sometimes she joined in for name calling, brainwashing, and sometimes even physical, though not often. Now she might feel some remorse, but tbh it's still mixen in with denial "Well if it was so bad, why didn't you do anything? Why didn't you call the police on him when you got older?" or "This PTSD is nonsense, just don't think about it.".

 

[Susan Sullivan]

Hi guys,

In my case my father was the abuser, but my mother did nothing to stop him, sided with him, c...

Hi MoonCat,
Yes, I was in that situation, and I experienced the same feelings, in retrospect. My father was an extreme abuser. My mother looked the other way, and did not or could not acknowledge it. I think that was her way of coping, blank out, does not exist. My father died first, I was surprised to experience any grief. I guess we all love our parents no matter what. Then I had to struggle with years and years of extreme abuse.

I wanted to talk to my mother about it, and I had the same question I wanted answered ? why would you stay and watch what was being done to me, and your other children ? She would shut down, become very annoyed, and would not discuss it. If I ever brought it up, she would shut me out. My mother was my only source of love and care growing up. I am 66 now, and I still do not understand.

My father beat me (fists, punches according to my God Mother) at 3 months, apparently, I never cried again, even at that age I was smart enough to realize. At age 32, my father after a couple of drinks at Christmas at my parents house, suddenly spoke to me (he rarely did), this is what he said "You've done far better in life than I ever thought you would, but I guess I should not be surprised, I knew you were a smart kid". He then went on to tell me point blank that my crying as a baby annoyed him, he'd given me 'a good licking' and I never cried again, to him that meant I was smart. For most of my childhood, it was pretty much a good week if I as he said 'didn't get the piss knocked out me". I still have bladder problems today.

I suffer PTSD, I suffer anxiety, I am constantly on guard and. feel constantly under attack. I know he's dead and can't hurt me anymore, but my reactions are still there. I know what they. are, I've tried to deal with them, but it hasn't worked. I am constantly holding my breath, and so often have to scream in my head 'BREATHE".

I could list all the abuse but why ? I had conversations with a PHD, a leader and Prof in child abuse, a very respected authority. This is what he told me, he said you have survived the worst of 'child' abuse, I asked him for more reading for me to do, as my research in a quest to heal myself has me floundering as there is little out there when it is extreme and starts as an infant. He said you are right there is little out there and we don't have much. He said, the reason we don't have much is because there are so few survivors. Most perish as infants. He said if they make it past that, they are usually a teenage suicide statistic. Therefore, so few, do not make way for studies. He told me I am a survivor and to never stop looking for solutions. I can tell you he was right. Many systems today do not work on adults of infant abuse.

I kept on doing research, and finally just a year ago, I came across a research paper dedicated to infant abuse. It seems when your abuse starts so young you do not have verbal skills. You survive on basic animal instinct (whatever that is in a baby), but current. treatment plans all are based on counselling and talking. Us who were abused as infants, cannot access and help heal the infant abuse because no verbal skills at that time. I've addressed by treatment most of the time periods where I had verbal skills, and logic and talking have helped. I believe most of the crippling after affects I still have to deal with are the basic animal instincts of any new born, infant of a few months, that is severely abused. I hope in my life time to find a treatment. For now I have to turn to non respected ways, energy healing, and just to know why I can't 'fix this' and it is still so intense so late in life. I am hyper reactive to most situations, and so over sensitive. I used to be hard on myself about that, now I accept it, and know where it comes from and why . . . . .

I personally think we all have to never give up searching for a coping mechanism, or a way to try to heal ourselves. I think that talking to others who have been subjected to a start in life like this, should speak, hold hands, to just know all the crazy stuff you experience as a result of this, is a normal fall out, and try to take a calm approach to try to manage it.

It took me 61 years to tell my family doctor of 33 years, the truth. She was getting flustered and annoyed with my anxiety levels, because she did not see reason for them, told me I was mentally ill and had to take anti-depressants. I took them, but they made everything worse, as I wasn't depressed I was struggling with PTSD. You don't drug those folks you give them tools to cope with it. So be honest with your care circle, be honest with your partners, and friends and do not, as I did, allow shame to stop you from telling the world your story. That alone, will take some of the heat off of you. Each day I struggle, sometimes tears still roll down my face, but at least I know why, I know I've done my best, and have accepted I will finish my life off as a very fractured person, that medicine cannot put back together.

As a result of my life experience, I only allow love, caring, and support and understanding to every other human being I come across. To do otherwise, is not acceptable, to do anything negative in life I cannot. I am a loner, of course, I think if you've been badly abused being a loner becomes one of the side effects. I am so damaged, I know other people will see it, I only feel normal when I am alone. I am proud that I have been self sufficient for all these years, that I've held down jobs paid my bills and have not been a burden on society. But I could have done a lot better, I never was able to make it through University or pursue my dream of a career. Even though I had the intelligence and talent to do so. This is what PTSD does to people, it burdens them so much and causes so much dysfunction that many have to leave their life goals behind as it takes all they can muster just to get through day to day.

To close, I emplore anyone out there reading this, if you know of a situation where a child is being abused, please do not look the other way, please report it to the authorities. My God Mother looked the other way, my mother looked the other way and it resulted in another life being wasted, not going forward to be what they should have been. Also, please educate yourself at PTSD it is real, and it damages, and hurts our social collective.

 

[chiara vietto]

Thanks Susan for sharing your story,
you have a lot of awareness and I think you're great. Your story made very sad, because it made think of my partner (now practically ex) of 20 years that also suffered child abuse by his father starting as an infant (actually starting when his mother was pregnant, she never left him but acknowledge that he was abusive but doesn't know why she staid).

We had 20 years together that in my opinion where very happy, he was always a little sensitive and getting nervous around his family, but we didn't see them often). He always tried to reconnect with his parents and was on the phone with them every other weekend and they visited once a year..I was respectful with his parents but never like them too much. 3 -4 years ago the father started to be emotionally abusive again toward my partner and my partner started to be rude and ignore his father, but the rest of the family turned against my partner because..the father is now old and the rest of the family thinks that he should be forgiven. I didn't know what to say, I just hoped that my partner wouldn't let this all situation affect him so much.

However 2 years the entire family stopped talking to my partner..and especially his sister was accusing my partner of being like his father and make his mother cry ( just because he didn't want to be nice with his father.)..After this my partner become very isolated slowly pushed away 99% of his friend and was overly sensitive to whatever and was saying or doing.

8 months ago he told (durning and emotional break down..borderline abusive) that I should live the house and that he hates me. then he went silent and finally we talked again some and he stated that I was selfish insensitive and self centered and made him suffer so much because when I went to the mall I was always late coming back home ( he exaggerated things, yes I was late but I always called and said that I was running late, we live 40 min from the mall ..and there is traffic)

Anyway it seems to me that he was overacting, he said it made him feel that he was waiting around for me..although he admitted that he cares he is done with me..??

What puzzled me is why he cannot forgive me? I never yelled at him, I cooked, I supported him, never pressured him..but he is now talking again with his sister? she always accused him of the worst things and telling him that was becoming like his father ..and other mean things (the sister hates the father but justify his behavior because he paid for college and is still supporting her financially)..She wasn't abused as much , she is much older than my partner and was gone when my partner was young..and now she feels guilty that she didn't do more to protect him (she is a mess changes idea every time).

But basically my partner now hates me and sees me as a treat (I am not perfect but I am not abusive by any means I anything I am a pushover). I there anything I could do a least to keep the door open in case he comes back to his senses. I didn't know much about cPTSD until now..so I have made some mistakes but was not intentional..
Thanks you very much,

 

[gealach]

do I speak to the parent who didn't protect me? No. I haven't spoken to him since 2006. Between 2003-2006 I spoke to him on the phone twice, once warning him of a tornado heading for the farm, and once when he got seriously ill. In that time, I saw him a couple of times when he was in the hospital post cancer surgery. I gave up on him when he forgot Christmas, New Years, and my birthday.

 

[chiara vietto]

Good for you!! if they cannot ask for forgiveness, they don't deserve to have you in their life.
I don't understand my ex- partner , kept reaching out to them just get hurt over and over again..

 

[hithere]

Hi guys,

In my case my father was the abuser, but my mother did nothing to stop him, sided with him, c...

Yes I am, or I came into this "realization" about 4 1/2 years ago ---and I remember randomly while driving one day and all these horrific flashbacks came upon me in movie-like fashion and I was in the movied reliving it! And I was ASTOUNDED and thought WTF! Why did my father not call the police! Holy Shit! Why was the police never called? I can relate to literally EVERY thing else you have written!

 

[PreciousChild]

Mooncat, Sorry to hear that your mother won't acknowledge her part and still invalidates you. I also had an abusive dad and a passive mother who went along with everything. When I was a teen, I became quite angry at my mom when I realized all the things she could have done differently that would have made a difference in my life. I think that it was easier for me to direct my anger at her because she was "safer" than my dad. She resented that a lot. She had an extremely abusive father herself, but he took out his rage on his wife and not on her. That left a complex legacy. Long story short, I felt that when I became angry at her, she became triggered and saw me in the role of her dad, which made her literally hate me. She never forgave me for my teenage rebellion, much less ever acknowledge her part in my abuse. It's frustrating and makes it difficult to move on when there is no recognition and dialogue, just scapegoating and denial.

But basically my partner now hates me and sees me as a treat (I am not perfect but I am not abusive by any means I anything I am a pushover).

Hi Chiara, I totally know how you feel. I was reading in Body Keeps the Score how dissociation can work, and van der Kolk gave a really good example of what you're talking about. His example is a veteran who might have seen a friend get killed in war and a simple touch by his girlfriend might get him triggered simply because it evokes feelings in him which opens up his emotions, which he's trying to suppress. But since he doesn't understand what's going on, he takes something minor his girlfriend does and directs all of his feelings of rage and sadness at her, which is easier than facing his trauma. He might move on to another relationship and do the same thing. I'm going through a break up myself where I feel my soon to be ex is in this kind of denial. When he's triggered, I'm the closest "target" and so he kind of says 'she must be the reason I feel this way.' But I just don't think there's anything we can do to make them aware of what they're doing. I think they have to make those connections themselves.

 

[grit]

I never met (I read few things here and there about people I do not know) but I have never met a parent who truly apologize and ask for forgiveness in a real genuine way. Never! To me, personally, that sounds like unicorn story.

Also in therapy, one of the most common themes, I am hearing and learning is to wish for the love and acceptance of a parent is one of the oldest feeling of almost anyone with mental condition arising from childhood and the "wanting" of that love is ultimately what keeps us in the trauma. Until one earns or learns or finds a way to let go of that fantasy, one is forever attached to the abuser and abuser's accomplice (the other parent or people).

For, I have not talked to my mother for over 5yrs. I kept talking to my father (the accomplice) until his death. I was relieved when he died. I did not know I was carrying stuff around him and it went with him. I had one of the biggest breakthrough in therapy the week after my father died. I am only grateful for this gift.

Now with my mother, what hurts me the most is not so much she abused me as a child (as much) because I had no power and needed her for everything BUT that I stayed under her control, manipulation throughout my adulthood. I lived in denial and with that unicorn love and forgiveness. I look back now sometimes and see how amazing and clever my mother still kept me under her hood as adult with her sophisticated manipulation that she has been doing for all my life. What hurts me the most is I allowed that as an adult and did not wake up in 20s or 30s and only woke up in my early 40s and it was like holly cow! a fog was lifted!

I saw the true character of her and I was like WTF is this. Why am I acting like a controlled and programmed person?

It is never the same.

The cutting thing you mentioned. My mother is the creator of that. Now my other siblings who are still under her spell because she old and she had a violent childhood and she suffered...the violin, tell me my mother stopped the cutting. I will believe that when I see it.

I think if she had an awakening about her behaviour, she would have called me. My mom is a real narcissist. Some people change but there has to be a compelling reason. Why would my mother change in her 60s if half of her kids are addicted and depended on her and the other have deal with PTDS? Why?
She has us exactly where she wanted us.

Sorry I wish I could add a positive and sunny story to you. But your mom was just as bad as your dad. At least you are not confused the abuse from your dad but the one from your mom is much deeper cause you cannot even see it yet.

sorry about the the bad writing...just about to leave the office and rushing!

 

[chiara vietto]

I never met (I read few things here and there about people I do not know) but I have never met a parent wh...

I am happy that you are finally on the right path and are finding some healing from your trauma. I think that my partner all these years also tr ui ed to get the approval from his father ...and also let his father and what happened to him control his life..he never wanted to have kids due his abusive past, and was afraid of being triggered by kids..also never finished his graduate school because had problems interacting with his advisor..
Now he is going hits with me and blaming for everything...and wants to separate after 20 years of a committed happy relationship..
So it is sad ...
I am happy for you ..and I wish you to stay strong ..during this critical time of your life..

 

[ImFuktUp]

One died a few years ago, wish it was A LOT SOONER rather than when it happened.
The other is still alive, she's a hoarder, she's absolutely sure she did nothing to me during my childhood and she's 100% wrong.
She takes zero accountability for it and tries to blame my "father" and his family.

I try to avoid her at all costs now.
f*ck both sides.