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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I still remember when our cat P ran outside.

Having been pretty much raised by cats, I knew exactly what he was doing it for, and I knew that he was hadn't planned ahead and was going to freak out later.

He was a traumatized cat. Had nearly starved as a kitten.

I was upset with my mom (I was a teenager) because it was her actions that made the cat feel the way he was feeling. He wanted outside time. Letting him outside decreased him wanting to run out. My mom prevented him from going, saying it was making him desperate.

Already a trigger for me, because I had just gotten out of an abusive hospital that would let me look at a cage leading to outside with patients in it but I couldn't go.

Also my dad.

I got upset and told her that her reaction may have contributed. Her got this facial expression that I still remember because it terrified me and yelled at me for blaming her. Which I guess means she felt guilty.

I was extremely upset and recalled when she told me I was making up being schizophrenic because I wanted attention.

For the record, I was legitimately scared I had schizophrenia because Brandi kept saying I did, and I knew my uncle had the rarest type that isn't able to be medicated and he hadn't known who he was since he was 16.

So I brought that up and her face got worse and she left. She never apologized.

Not even after the cat wandered back (he was scared and hungry).

I remember in high school being told that you know what a person is really like based on how they react to stress and my mom came up in my thoughts because she gets mean when she's stressed and can't really handle it.

And I remember her getting angry that I needed a hospital after the house cleaning went bad and I tried to prevent needing a hospital and just ended up with even more trauma. I thought I was being punished.
 
My twin brother (the autistic one with extreme religious beliefs who told me last night that a husband will love me one day because I can cook good food) noticed I wasn't feeling well and showed me his new car vacuum while I was doing dishes. He showed it to me twice and showed me the attachments and the bag it comes in.

I hope his new girlfriend isn't abusive.
 
I contacted my sister and she said I could come over. I'll have to wait on my mom to get home because I can't get there myself, but she has her own house and it has a table that is usable and she has a tiny son I adore. That should get me out of this funk so I can think clearly again.

We'll watch Coco. Good tears. My mom's dad is dying of Alzheimer's but I think she'll like it anyway. I think it will help her feel better.

I forgot to tell y'all that my grandfather who was a WWII veteran is dying horribly. He called me one Easter (he never calls) and I missed the call because I was working, and he was telling me happy easter in a sweet voice and then told me it might be our last call.

He had a tumor the size of a grapefruit. Either he would die of that or he would risk a surgery that would make him a vegetable.

He woke up from the surgery but his mind didn't come back. He can't even feed himself. He can't talk either. The anesthesia ruined his deteriorating mind. It makes me so sad. But he was my mom's abusive dad so she must have a lot of feelings about it and I don't know them, but there has been a lot of horrible death in our family so it's hard to know.
 
I called my mom to tell her we're eating at my sister's and she talked to me about her job transition. The one had me worried we were going to starve. Apparently she's definitely switching companies so I'm not sure what she was telling me we needed to worry about. I even made a thread about fearing starvation ... it's a very serious trigger for me.

Also she told me she's been stressed. Didn't really acknowledge last night. Probably feels I owe her an apology. I'm pretty sure I should ask my Nashville friends about moving in with them. Or sent up a tent in my sister's backyard. I've lived in tents in foreign countries (for short times obviously).

I can't deal with this in this way.

I'm going to view my bike at the storage unit and see what I can do to fix it. I can't stay around here just because I don't drive.

I'm scared of getting hit on the Highway because yes it has bike lanes but also yes people have died trying to use them. I'll have to make my bike as safe as humanly possible. I'll have to distrust cars. Easy peasy, because most other people with TBIs who I know either got them from the military or from car accidents -- especially car accidents involving a car hitting them on a bicycle.

I will invest in a very good helmet and avoid the highway in high traffic times. But I would like some kind of transportation.

I wonder if I should get a lisence to carry. My mom has pointed out that I would never be able to hurt someone -- it's true. The other day I cut into an onion and saw that it was trying to grow leaves and I got pretty upset. But maybe it'd make me feel safer.

Or maybe I should look into some kind of self defense class. That could be fun. The last one I took in high school was incredibly triggering but it doesn't have to be that way anymore.
 
littleoc said:
I was upset with my mom (I was a teenager) because it was her actions that made the cat feel the way he was feeling. He wanted outside time. Letting him outside decreased him wanting to run out. My mom prevented him from going, saying it was making him desperate.
Click to expand...
soooo....have you figured out that you are the same as the cat and that's why its a trigger?? Moms action making the cat (you) feel the way he (you) was feeling.....

littleoc said:
I would never be able to hurt someone -- it's true
Click to expand...
No guns -- you can't scare people off with a gun if you can't use it. That's not a bad thing - not hurting someone. But too many times I've had people have their guns taken away by the bad guy and used against them. Self defense class or may martial arts are a great idea because it will help you build self confidence as well as skills

And yes -- you are a fabulous person for caring so much about others. And someday I'm going to get my way and you will see that it's time to turn that beautiful light on yourself!:hug::hug::hug:
 
Freida said:
Is it possible for you to stay with your sister until your summer job starts???
Click to expand...
Thank you :)

I thought about it. But so far just going over there seems to be good. Watching my sister (who is older than me by five years and has a not-psychopathic father and also therefore doesn't have PTSD -- because my dad hating her guts just couldn't affect her the same way) interact with my mom is very helpful. I was at my sister's house and my mom was there too, and they interacted like family members who aren't PTSD-symptomatic. It's a good example to follow when I get symptomatic. My sister thinks it's funny when my mom gets mad at little things -- because to my sister anger for any reason isn't scary. It's just a thing that happens to people. And it's funny when the licorice container won't open and my mom tosses it away because she's a little impatient. It didn't mean she was mad at my sister, it means the licorice container is hard to open after a long day at work. I am hoping to have my sister's outlook sometime soon. I have a lot of years of stuff to work through first.

Also, my tiny nephew cheers me up by existing. He tries to talk to me and he likes to feed cat litter to my service dog for some reason. Luckily N doesn't really accept it.

I told my sister I didn't like this house and she said I could come over. So, I suppose I could ask her again. The summer job would start in less than a month, so maybe I should get together what I need for that and get rid of stuff from the rest. Most of the storage unit overflowing is my stuff. My mom may not be willing to work on her stuff, but I can try to convince myself to get rid of excess. Maybe I'll ask if my therapist can join me there. Since it's my stuff overflowing I think it wouldn't bother my mom if I got help with it. Plus if we could clean it all out, that's an extra $50 at least we could use on food and such. Obviously it's not just my stuff in there though, so I won't get ahead of myself just yet.

I got my bike out of the storage unit and walked it home (less than a five mile walk). Both tires are flat so I had to walk it, but hopefully I can figure out how to fix that (the pump wasn't working -- maybe they're too flat?). The headlight is good but the back light needs batteries at least. It's a black bike so I should add more lights. The chain is in excellent condition, as are the brakes, and the gear shifty thingy on the handles look fine (same for the actual mechanical parts in the chain). So, maybe soon I can get myself to my own therapy appointments. Which would be nice because I'm always paranoid that people I know are listening to me.

I whisper a lot or use low voices in therapy. My dad used to spy on me so it makes sense. My mom tries to tune me out by reading (this works when I'm watching Netflix and she's trying to tune it out) and making tea but I worry anyway.

I'll invest in some dayglow stuff @somerandomguy -- that seems like an excellent idea.

One of my friends at university was hit by a car last August, and is recovering really well unlike the one who died in 2016 when she was hit by a driver who was high on some kind of pills. I'm planning to avoid accidents as much as I can. I don't trust cars. There are drunk drivers and people like my dad out there who think hitting people with cars is "teasing." Accidents happen fast
 

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