Asking for help / support here.

[Teasel]

Asking for help is a bit of a horrifying prospect to say the least. Scares the shit out of me it does.

So anyway must be hundreds & thousands of times I've felt I might like to to ask for help or support here and mostly I can't do it.

There's a few things tied up in it I think and I'm finding it hard to think clearly about it actually. Just sort of get frightened and lose the ability to think.

So this is an attempt to begin untangling that mess.

I think there's trust issues, fear of rejection, finding feeling exposed totally excruciating, not feeling worthy of kindness or others time. Yes, things like that.

Anyone relate? Or got any tips? Or a better perspective on this than mine? All gratefully received.

I guess I need to learn how you go about asking for help or support effectively.

Also was thinking of starting a thread asking for help / support just as a dry run so to speak... Does that sound daft?

 

[Mee]

Asking for help IS difficult.

It's also possible in some cases it's related to your trauma.

All you can do is try

 

[Joan]

It is so hard asking for help/support. I have struggled with what to even ask for. It helped when I could actually identify a few things, i.e. I just need someone to "hear" me, or I need someone to acknowledge that sucks....You have taken a brave step to start discussion and reach out here. Can you identify any times when something felt helpful whether you asked for it or not? Hope you can find what you need.

 

[MrMoonlight]

@Bearlinda you hit a lot of issues that resonate with me in your opening post. Trust, exposure, rejection...etc

some things that came to mind for me:
You get what you give, when unable to give asking to get for me is tough. Also expectations of future support when I am unable to give plays on my mind. I don't know, closeness is scary to me. Connection or feeling like I belong within a group feels weird too. I think for me it's a root cause.

edit: I have felt (and probably acted) like an outsider since my trauma.

 

[FredT]

asking for help for me is hard in that it makes me aware to a whole new level that, yeas, something is wrong... On top of that, it makes it possible that the help available won't make anything any better, what then?

On a more positive note, asking for help usually works...

 

[Freida]

Asking for help sucks, sucks, sucks!!!!! Especially when I'm not sure what exactly I want help with. And I am ALWAYS sure that the people I'm asking for help from are judging and hating me. yep - I'm dramatic that way LOL

But asking for help works -- and you are doing it right now. And see -- people are willing to help if you ask. And yep - I get that seems just bizarre - but keep doing it because it does get easier!

 

[Teasel]

It helped when I could actually identify a few things, i.e. I just need someone to "hear" me, or I need someone to acknowledge that sucks.

Yes these! I think I am literally gonna need to write these down to refer back to when I need it

Can you identify any times when something felt helpful whether you asked for it or not?

Yep, validation for sure, when you feel someone gets what you're saying it's a weight off. Tips on how to deal with things are great too. And a little compassion never hurts either :-)

edit: I have felt (and probably acted) like an outsider since my trauma.

Oh gosh me too. Actually scrap that I've always felt like an outsider. It's a huge issue for me and a good deal of why I don't feel worthy for sure

On top of that, it makes it possible that the help available won't make anything any better, what then?

Yes, horrific!

I think often when I'd like to ask for help or support I'm having a bad time and am literally not in my right mind... it's like being a deer in headlights or something :nailbiting::bag::sorry:

Writing stuff down - a literal how to write a post here asking for help might be something I can do

 

[Angelwings]

I understand how you feel! It took me years to ask for help. I was afraid of rejection and I am also horribly embarrassed by my situation. Most of my friends don't know.

 

[Lionheart]

I think you have found, and will continue to find, that the people here can relate to not knowing how, exactly, to ask for help. A lot of us, (me included), learned to depend only on ourselves and so it feels foreign, at first, to ask others to assist us with our difficulties. I think that this is pretty normal thing for those who have struggled with trauma and it's affects.

You are doing a great job by posting here. It takes guts and determination to heal, and I believe you will do well on your journey. Trust issues are a core issue for many, as is feeling exposed and vulnerable. I've been a member here for years and I still get a tiny bit antsy when I post because I grew to expect rejection and betrayal in the past. It takes time and effort to step forward and ask for help and I think you are doing great.

A little understanding and compassion goes a long way to help heal the wounds, so I encourage you to keep reaching out.

My best to you,
Lion

 

[Hopeforlife]

For me, seeking help is sort of like a loss of control. Or releasing some sort of control. So I see seeking help as a massive thing and a huge victory for all of us on this forum. Also for acknowledging that we need or want help and want to change/survive.

I have a very small support network. My immediate family have no clue of my traumas. (we don’t live in the same country so a little easier to mask) My support is my husband, two psychologists and a psychiatrist and this amazing forum. There are many people who on this forum, have had a different trauma complex than you or I have experienced but still have a similar thought, symptom or question. We are all individual and unique but a lot of us can relate to others feelings, symptoms. I find it brings me a little comfort that I am not alone.

Writing things down in a journal really lets me get things out in ‘My’ open and from there I can gain the confidence to post some things here or speak to my therapist for help with. As all of us here would agree taking small steps is best. I think your help/ support thread sounds like a great idea. @Bearlinda

 

[jade53]

If it helps, I'm of the opinion that everything you expressed goes with the territory of PTSD and doubt anyone on this site hasn't felt or feels any different. I expect if nothing else is common among us, it's that our self-confidence has been shattered and continually is from people that don't have a clue.
I question the legitimacy of anyone on here that wouldn't only want to help you regain confidence and be supportive.

 

[bellbird]

From my experience, asking for help is really hard when your trust has been destroyed through past events.

My counselor always says that negative experiences stick like velcro, whereas positive ones tend to slide off like teflon - it's wired in our brains from evolution- I suppose because it's a good thing to really remember that sabre-toothed tigers = bad.

So, when we have a positive experience - eg. this awesome step you've taken in overcoming your fear of asking for help, and people have responded to you with support - it can be important to take a moment and notice that while past experiences of asking for help may have lead to broken trust, this does not apply to all future attempts.
I'm no expert in asking for help by any means, but I do know it gets easier :)