Relationship Baffled

[EveHarrington]

Thanks,
like when he wanted to tell me that he wasn't happy with me because he tought I was self...

Yep, that sounds like emotional dysregulation! Emotions out of proportion to what they are reacting to... Many of us with PTSD struggle with this, unfortunately. :(

 

[chiara vietto]

Thanks a lot, it helps..

 

[Baffled: Skeletons]

I wanted to ask if anyone has a comment on bizarre behavior from my vet. Incidentally, he has been on radio silence since he sent me an odd little video two weeks ago. I described the video in a previous post.

I wanted some input on something he does that is very strange. He has four, life-sized skeletons, the kind one buys for Halloween. He sometimes dresses them up (mostly in female clothing), poses them, takes pictures of them as a group or individually, and sometimes posts the pictures on social media. Sometimes, he rides around with them in his convertible and makes little videos or takes a picture of himself with the skeletons. He has named one of the skeletons a female name, but calls the other three skeletons “the girls.” Before he shut me out completely, he sent me some of his skeleton pictures. He told me how he started with the skeletons, and it was actually kind of a joke and made sense when he explained it. But what I find bizarre is that he has continued on with this behavior and bought an additional three skeletons. The one time I went over to his house about 6 weeks ago, he must have put the skeletons in a closet because I did not see them and did not know about them at the time.

For background: my vet appears to only have contact with his military buddies who are long distance and some family members who live in another state. He told me that he is “picky” on who he spends time with and I have the definite impression that he spends the majority of this time alone -- self-imposed isolation. I believe being “picky” is his way of covering for the fact that, due to PTSD, he is afraid of forming any relationships. The skeletons bring him attention on both social media and when he is driving around with them, and I think this is a major factor for this strange behavior. He enjoys the attention. The only other contact I think he has (besides me until he ghosted) is through online dating sites. I don’t believe he actually dates these women though. He seems to use these sites to have conversations with members of the opposite sex and, IMHO, to relieve himself through “dirty talk.”

The sad thing is that, although he obviously is pretty messed up, he is incredibly smart, educated, talented, boyishly charming, and occasionally affectionate. He was so delighted the time I visited his house and we had a wonderful time. He also made it plain that he had sexual desire for me, but we only engaged in light making out and he seemed fine with that. Very happy in fact. But since then, he has slowly faded away to complete silence and I have not seen him since that night.

I am not “on hold” waiting for him and I am moving on with my life. I know I may or may not hear from him again, and I have accepted that. But, the skeletons thing is bugging me. Does he see it only as a joke and not realize that it is pretty strange behavior for a grown man? Other opinions would be welcome. Thank you for your input!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sounds more like a weird sense of humor honestly.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But, the skeletons thing is bugging me. Does he see it only as a joke and not realize that it is pretty strange behavior for a grown man?

Only he can tell you that. Opinions here will all be speculations. It could be for attention. It could be for money (as even a strange thing can earn you an income on youtube and likely other places with ads). It could be his way of acting out realities. It could be just all fun and games and an odd sense of humor. It could be innocent or It could be a mental break and it could be anything in between.

 

[EveHarrington]

Skeletons?

Not a PTSD thing.

My guess is that it’s a personality quirk. If it bothers you, I’d move on. I mean it’s harml fun....who cares what anyone thinks? I think if you’re concerned about what people think, a ptsd relationship (on any level) is not for you. I mean....in terms of symptoms alone....when in highly symptomatic mode, we don’t have any energy to spare in order to keep up appearances.

 

[anon1234]

This guy literally has a lot of skeletons in his closet.




Sorry, couldn't help myself!!!

 

[anon1234]

I did a Google on dressed skeletons (goodness knows what it would look like if someone got my search history!). I found a couple in NC that like to dress skeletons on their porch for the neighbors amusement. It started off as a small joke and became this really big thing they are known for in their town. Maybe he is emulating this sort of thing. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt in situations like this, because I certainly have my fair share of quirks....minus skeletons though.

 

[PTSD spouse]

Yep --- -find someone you like..get to close..push them away...regret it...go back...realize you are to...

this is exactly what happened in my case but spread over 20 yrs, now we are married and he still has huge trust issues including me...

 

[Freida]

he still has huge trust issues including me...

Yep - hubby would say the same thing about me. And its funny - if you asked me I would say of course I trust him. But.
I don't think its a question of trust. I think its something broken inside of us. Not that I don't want to trust him but that I don't know how. And I don't even realize it is missing.....

 

[chiara vietto]

Yep, that sounds like emotional dysregulation! Emotions out of proportion to what they are reacti...

He was finally able to talk to me after 8 months, he said that his initial reaction with the "get the f***of the house, ****b**I hate you, was due to him being upset with me for not going with him to visit his uncle inCA, the thing is that he never asked me..but he assumed I would say no and didn't ask, he admitted caring that's why he was angry and went nuts and then he couldn't talk. But he thinks that with my careless behavior like being sometime late for work, or going shopping for to long or not reading his mind when he wants to do something, I made him suffer too much, he felt like he was left abandoned waiting around for me..
And he wants to separate because he suffered to much. I find hard to believe that he was unhappy for 20 years, but with his trauma being triggered he seems to see everything black, I new he was happy and he trusted me..I was his shield when his family visited. I was always little late when I was going shopping but he wanted to stay home, and he is blowing thinks out of proportion saying that was 5 hours late, when I was 45 min late..and the think his was just watching tv in the comfort of our home.
It is possible that recent reopening of his trauma made him seeing everything black? It is heartbreaking because he was able to talk some and was huge admitting that he cared for me, but couldn't take any responsibility, didn't understand that his shutting down or angry outbursts felt at the time personal, and made difficult for me to engage in any personal conversation. When I asked why in 20 years he never mentioned that he had a son , he said that was none of my business, he thought I new because he left the infos in a drawer in his desk..?? I asked him if he thinks that this is normal behavior..and he said: no.but then he added that if I knew him I should know what happened.??
That's putting all the responsibilities on me.When I tried to mention that his traumatic experiences maybe affecting his behavior he accused me to try to hurt him..
I was very hurt by this conversation and at this point I think that I will have to leave him.I have no choice..I asked if I can see the dog or stay friends he said no, but then he said maybe.
I still don't understand why all the sudden I am the enemy..
He spent the weekend alone watching tv, he has no friends, but if mentioned that he is isolated he said that I was hurting him and it is not true..
End of the story..I want to write to his father and a letter to tell him that before he dies he should apologize to his son for all the damage he has caused, but I am not sure if its good idea.
Thanks

 

[WTF Happened]

This, very much, sounds like PTSD push/pull to me. Super common. No one can answer all of the "why"s at the end but him. But I did this. Pull a guy very close, have a super sexual and emotionally charged intense connection then push him away to the point of hurting him, purposely, pretty badly to get him to go away because I wasn't good enough for him and to save him from the horrors of PTSD. It is not a fun or pretty disorder and it oozes onto people around you. I will say anything or just go radio silent just to save those I care about from that bad part of PTSD. And PTSD sneeks up on you and comes out of nowhere. Like you're walking along and BAM you fall into a hole. And so for a sufferer to go radio silent when that happens is totally common. Then when we dig ourselves out we may reach out to those we care about again, seemingly out of the blue to everyone else, as we still care about them, maybe love them, and want to be with them and have a conntection with them and compainship. We just want to save you from the really bad ugly parts of PTSD and save you from getting hurt by us unintenionally. Because PTSD hurts and oozes onto everyone around us.

@lostforgottensoul Is there anything we can do to assure you that we accept you for who you are, that we can ride through these storms with you -- that you ARE good enough? Or is the reality that your readiness for a relationship and ability to stop yourself from pushing others away will only come once you have done the work yourself?

I think part of the frustration of being a supporter/ex-supporter is reading posts like yours and wanting so badly to say the magic words to make you feel safe with us -- all the while suspecting that it is completely out of our control.

I often think about reaching out to my ex to let her know that she is still loved -- but I fear being met with the same emotionless communication I got a year ago, being pushed away just as hard, and reopening old wounds for myself. :\