Am i stuck or scared?

[blackbackpack]

So.... I have worked with many Ts, like most of us do. I thought I finally found the one. She does EMDR and that is what I have been wanting to try for a while. I have been in the initial stages of just trying to widen my window of tolerance for just day-to-day stressors. Every time I start feeling strong, I crash and burn into my symptoms of hyper vigilance/ anxiety/ depression.

Most of the days, I am stuck in my symptoms. When I have gone a week to two weeks feeling strong, one of two things happens; I either hit a hiccup in my day-to-day life and I don't recover or a big trigger happens out of no where when I wasn't planning on exposing myself to my triggers. After either one, I'm back at square one stuck in my symptoms.

Im having a hard time finding the will power to even try to use my skills. Im exhausted. I am not suicidal. No judgement to anyone who is. I have been there before. I am just tired from fighting this battle in my head. Im sad seeing my partner's contact with the world as tiny and pathetic as mine is when they deserve the whole entire world 10x over.

My partner said, 'it seems like you don't even want to try. do you really want to get better? '. I had to think about it. Of course I do, but lately my partner was right. I haven't wanted to try and my world has been getting even smaller to the point of not leaving the house except to grocery shop.

I am at the point where I want to just be a shut in and live in my small world and let my partner go live their life. I don't know if I ever can get better. I don't have the strength to try right now and it kills me inside to see my partner stuck in this with me. My triggers are more prevalent in the summer time and I just don't have it in me to even try now that the warm weather in here. Am I stuck in this? Am I scared to get better? Is it wrong to give up on myself and just be content with the small life I live now and not integrate back into the 'normal' world?

 

[blackemerald1]

@bleublanket - hi and welcome to the forum. I hope we can support you while you work out what is going on and also what you want to happen.

I think a lot of member's find themselves in this sort of cycle. I know I do.

Im exhausted.

Exhaustion...mental exhaustion. Yes this comes with PTSD. Are you on any medications?

I am just tired from fighting this battle in my head

Giving yourself permission to have a period of time away from 'working on winning the battle' is ok I think.

don't have the strength to try right now

That is ok. Nobody - not even normal ppl are up for the fight all the time. If you have no strength right now allow yourself some rest time.

triggers are more prevalent in the summer time

I too cannot handle hot weather. I probably have been overdosed on hot weather. But you have triggers associated with hot weather so I'd suggest you really recognise this as a fact of life. It's not an excuse. It's reasonable if the warm weather triggers you. Does your partner understand that this is a problem for you?

Am I stuck in this? Am I scared to get better?

I don't know if you are stuck forever in it. We can support you in the present and future. I don't think that you will find you are stuck forever. As you said in your first few lines sometimes you feel like you are going strongly and then something sets you back. Honestly though does it set you right back to the beginning when you were first diagnosed? Idk You seem to have a lot of insight into this cycle that is going on. That doesn't come along without winning quite a few battles.

I guess it would be fair to say that most supporters of ppl with PTSD wonder a lot at the ebb and flow of symptoms and when will it ever end. Remember in their moments of frustration they are probably just as disillusioned as you at times. It is possibly more painful for them bc they can help in many ways but they cannot wave a wand and stop you from suffering. It sounds like your partner is understanding and wanting you to be the best you can be. Does your partner know about the Summer time trigger's? Your partner may be really tired too. That doesn't mean either of you should end a otherwise good? relationship.

Don't make any massive changes or decisions whilst you are so fatigued right now.

I know lots of forum members here will have good suggestions and we will support you along the way with your choices. :hug:

 

[bellbird]

Hey @bleublanket how long have you been doing EMDR?

 

[mamachick]

I relate to everything you are saying. I am not doing EMDR and have taken a break from counseling because I can't even do much of what they suggest, such as walking and yoga and not isolating. I am not suicidal and don't even really feel depressed. I have become so isolated and don't get out much. I do go to the store and faithfully attend a group once a week. I am exhausted. Is it physical, mental, emotional, I don't know. I took a bad turn about 3 yrs ago. After being put on Adderoll for about 10 yrs and pushing and pushing myself physically, I was under weight and taken off of it. Since then, I can barely complete any tasks. I do less than 1 tenth of what I used to. I have no motivation. I also have no help from my husband so I just have to let it go unless I want to fight about things....and I don't anymore.

So while I do care about the house, I just have to let it go because it is too overwhelming. I am exhausted so I don't feel like much of a social life. I have a couple good friends that seem to understand. Maybe I am scared to try to walk and then fail, but it sure doesn't feel like I can do much. I have lost most muscle from staying in bed.

I don't know the answer but I sure do relate.

 

[blackbackpack]

@bleublanket - hi and welcome to the forum. I hope we can support you while you...

Thank you for your response. Still rereading and digesting everything. but to start, I am not on any medications. I was given prozac a while ago, but the increase in anxiety was way too much. I have been doing some online research to see what other meds are out there and how different people respond to them. I found some options that aren't in the same SSRI category that are worth trying. I am planning to call a psychiatrist this week.

 

[blackbackpack]

Hey @bleublanket how long have you been doing EMDR?

Ive only ever actually done a practice EMDR session on a topic not as triggering as the trauma. We were going to start on the real trauma the following week, but I wasn't in a mental place in the next session. Ive just been trying to skill build and stabilize. Ive been with this therapist about 8-10 months now.

 

[blackbackpack]

I can't even do much of what they suggest, such as walking and yoga and not isolating...

Its really hard! I cancelled my session last week and I don't know if I am going to reschedule. I feel like I'm wasting money because I can't even do the basics. Session topics are starting to repeat themselves. Exhausting in every aspect.

 

[bellbird]

We were going to start on the real trauma the following week, but I wasn't in a mental place in the next session

This is totally understandable. I can't comment specifically on EMDR because I've never done it before, but therapy of any kind is hard. It's literally like trying to re-wire your brain. If it were easy, I think there'd be much less of a need for sites like this :). I've been with my therapist for over 3 years and some sessions I still feel like we have to take it back to basics.

Your feelings are completely valid though, and I relate to a lot of them. Life just feels too exhausting sometimes. To me it doesn't feel like you're giving up, just that you're recognising that you need to take a step back and reduce the 'intensity' of your therapy, which I think is an important thing to recognise too. I hope you're able to find some support here on this forum. It's a good place :)

 

[mamachick]

I understand cancelling blueblanket, it becomes like going in circles. I don't need to pay to go over same stuff and come back and have not made changes. So I am sitting it out until something gives. Plus it just makes me feel like failing at another thing...on top of the ones I already know of.