- Post starter
- #769
mumstheword
VIP Member
I went back to reading Pete Walkers; cptsd from surviving to thriving last night, kinda triggery, in itself, as I can relate to everything he describes.
I'm especially grateful that he acknowledges the pain of being a neglected child. It's kind of an unrecognised abuse, which kinda makes it even worse, as it's definitely been the worst to get over. Having people watch you be abused or ill or suffering a huge amount and do nothing, show no care, is a special kind of hell that completely deprives you of a sense of self.
I remember, after being raped and kept for days after having been given a daytura type drug, that simulates psychosis with days and days of hallucinations and can kill people, the man who did it straggle-choke assaulted me in the park, in front of a group of junkies. None of them cared. They did nothing. No comfort, no attention, just disgust and abandonment. I was 16, had no one, no where to live and felt like I was in pieces all over the park.
I was very scared of landing in a mental hospital and had been raised to be frightened of everyone and expect no care, to be frightened of people in general, so, from my perspective, there was no where to go and no one to trust.
I didn't even know that I had been raped, as my brain was injured from the drugs and having recently fallen and incurred concussion. I was very disoriented. I thought I must of agreed to the sex and then forgotten, even though I found the man utterly repulsive.
The drug is extremely disorienting.
Being treated contemptuously and left in terrible states is a reoccurring theme in my life.
No wonder I got triggered last night, when I woke up, sick with a swollen throat, and I roused my guy a little, about being up so late, because, he had mentioned he didn't want to get into the pattern of staying up late.
He got triggered because of his past relationships of women who constantly treated him derisively and used various methods of control. For me, I was grumpy with being in pain and sick and thinking it was way later than it actually was, our clock is wrong.
He yelled at me and I dissociated last night, then this morning I felt I couldn't trust him and just wanted to run away. I felt so hated and hatable.
I'm especially grateful that he acknowledges the pain of being a neglected child. It's kind of an unrecognised abuse, which kinda makes it even worse, as it's definitely been the worst to get over. Having people watch you be abused or ill or suffering a huge amount and do nothing, show no care, is a special kind of hell that completely deprives you of a sense of self.
I remember, after being raped and kept for days after having been given a daytura type drug, that simulates psychosis with days and days of hallucinations and can kill people, the man who did it straggle-choke assaulted me in the park, in front of a group of junkies. None of them cared. They did nothing. No comfort, no attention, just disgust and abandonment. I was 16, had no one, no where to live and felt like I was in pieces all over the park.
I was very scared of landing in a mental hospital and had been raised to be frightened of everyone and expect no care, to be frightened of people in general, so, from my perspective, there was no where to go and no one to trust.
I didn't even know that I had been raped, as my brain was injured from the drugs and having recently fallen and incurred concussion. I was very disoriented. I thought I must of agreed to the sex and then forgotten, even though I found the man utterly repulsive.
The drug is extremely disorienting.
Being treated contemptuously and left in terrible states is a reoccurring theme in my life.
No wonder I got triggered last night, when I woke up, sick with a swollen throat, and I roused my guy a little, about being up so late, because, he had mentioned he didn't want to get into the pattern of staying up late.
He got triggered because of his past relationships of women who constantly treated him derisively and used various methods of control. For me, I was grumpy with being in pain and sick and thinking it was way later than it actually was, our clock is wrong.
He yelled at me and I dissociated last night, then this morning I felt I couldn't trust him and just wanted to run away. I felt so hated and hatable.
Last edited:
