Relationship Communication

[Confused_84]

My ex and I kind of talked today regarding the break up. My insecurity caused him stress from what he’s telling me. His being distant made me feel like I had a reason insecure which I voiced to him but he says he voiced his frustration with me which I had no idea he was frustrated enough to ghost me and move all his stuff without a word. Do PTSD suffers tend to think that one or two word communication is sufficient or have a completely different perception when it comes to communication? He says I blamed him for everything but I just wanted more affection from him. Is this an example of the stress cup where small things overwhelmed him and I became too much of a stressor?

 

[shimmerz]

Do PTSD suffers tend to think that one or two word communication is sufficient

Many times people suffering from PTSD can't find the words for the way they feel. Or use the wrong words. Or don't use any words at all.

I had no idea he was frustrated enough to ghost me and move all his stuff without a word.

Think of exaggerated responses from people with PTSD. A neutral response is almost impossible.

Is this an example of the stress cup where small things overwhelmed him and I became too much of a stressor?

Maybe because he didn't understand what you really wanted he filled in the blanks and decided that going AWOL was best for both of you. I would imagine that what you are calling small in the stress department was actually very large for him.

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy already feels bad about himself. Guilt. Shame. Remorse... So WHEN he feels that he is causing me pain or stress. He's ready to "take off to Florida and work with J.D." Because his stress cup is already full all the time. And if he thinks he's hurting me then it overflows. We live together so he can't ghost me. He goes fishing :)

And yep, PTSD causes me pain too. So I have my own support system. As small as it is. Some days are better than others. Such is life.

It's a hard thing to watch a loved one hurt to the core and not be able to help. PTSD causes alot of "disorder" in relationships. Many don't survive.

Sorry things didn't work out with you guy. I hope you both find what you're looking for. Take care!

 

[EveHarrington]

An insecure partner feels very needy.

It’s difficult to feel like you have to constantly reassure a partner that everything is a-o-k when also trying to manage your own symptoms.

The insecurity/neediness fills up the stress cup over time.

I know I couldn’t handle a partner that constantly needed to be reassured that my symptoms were not all about them.

 

[Friday]

I can’t speak for everyone with PTSD... but I tend to be very honest, very blunt, and very serious about topics a lot of people seem to pussyfoot around. The whole I say it, I mean it, I do it.

It also might be more of a military thing, important stuff tends to be short, playful stuff gets long. I can bullshit for hours, but when it matters? It’s fast. I can’t even count the number of times, dating civvies, that they don’t take me seriously. Nope. I was serious. Nope. I meant what I said. Nope. That wasn’t me hinting about anything, or starting a negotiable conversation, or exaggerating for effect, or introducing a topic to be discussed later. That was the whole thing. Your not believing me, or picking up what I was laying down? Just another reason we don’t work.

 

[Confused_84]

It wasn’t even that I constantly needed to be reassured that his symptoms weren’t all about me. I wanted normal communication between the two of us. He was fine going the entire workweek without talking to me and just seeing me on the weekends. He worked and lives in a different town during the week. I just wanted him to care enough to ask how I was etc. I asked him if he even missed me during the week and he said that he just throws himself into work. It’s just a weird situation that I have never been in before. Emotionally flat is the word I have seen used on here quite a bit and that just really fits.

I also didn’t have any real experience or knowledge of PTSD until after the breakup when I felt the need to find out what happened because it was all just so bizarre.

 

[EveHarrington]

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, there is no “normal” when it comes to relationships. I’ve had guys who want the 24/7 communication, and other guys who are cool with much less communication. I think that technological advances make us expect more or less constant communication, but this is a relatively new phenomenon. I think the key isfinding someone who messes with you well on many levels, one of them being communication styles. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

It can be very disconcerting being in a relationship with somebody who is not affectionate or very communicative. It's not about constant contact, it's about *some* contact that signifies you're actually significant in their lives. Especially if they talk to the mailman more than you.

Those periods are a bit of a mind screw... I feel ya.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Emotionally flat

I can relate to that. A lot! I'm emotionally flat around people and then loose my shit alone. And then

Many times people suffering from PTSD can't find the words for the way they feel. Or use the wrong words. Or don't use any words at all.

This. I cannot find the words to express to someone how I feel. There are no words. Even many times on here there are no words or I use the wrong ones. And then add in being in a relationship with someone (which is additional stress) and that person wanting affection when I'm emotionally numb, it's a train wreck. Thus why I'm not in a relationship but

it was all just so bizarre.

PTSD is bizarre. That I can say for sure.

 

[Sighs]

Is he ex-military? My guy is used to going months without contact with his wife and children due to being on exercise or deployment. He thinks its really bizarre that I think a week or two is a long time not to hear from him. They can switch on to being at work and away from loved ones with a focus that most of us never have.

 

[Confused_84]

He is in the military, and that might be part of it. However, he was a reserve in the National Guard when we met so he only was gone one weekend a month. He now is active duty with the Guard. He was deployed to Iraq 2 or 3 times.

 

[Sighs]

So he may well have the mentality that when he is at work - he's at work and nothing else comes into it. When the boys are deployed it literally risks lives to have a bloke sitting then worrying about his missus or his kids. They switch it off because if they are distracted people get killed. Then, especially if they have PTSD and are hypervigilent etc, they take the same approach to a civilian job.

What I'm saying is that it probably has nothing to do with how he feels about you. BUT its ok for you to say - this doesn't work for me.