The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Yeah.
No matter how unwell she is, or that she's your mother, you don't have to put up with her treating...

I love being an Aussie! I can't wait to go for our walk again and take pics of the wallabies and the insane views. It's so f*ckinawesome!

My two youngest live in tracky daks, especially sonnyboy, he won't wear anything else.
I gave up durrys years ago and I haven't had a billy in about six weeks!
I still been havin' mini doses of goon though (Good quality organic fancy scmancy "fart sniffers" (as my guy likes to say about posh stuff) red, so maybe it's not even goon, it's in a bottle.
He's a typical Aussie beer drinkin' bloke. Likes winding up sheila's (me mostly) and I chuck pseudo wobblies when he does. I get a chooks bum mouth, but I'm really just trying not to smile and pretending to spit the dummy. We have a lot of fun bein' spazes and actin' pretend houso and being uncouth, unPC and takin' the piss (out of ourselves, mainly) :D:roflmao::D:roflmao::D:roflmao:

 

[somerandomguy]

It's like I parent myself vicariously as I would have like to be parented.

That is wonderful and healing!
Or maybe as you Aussies would say "That is woolamooroo and hizzie." (Did I go too far? :woot:)

 

[mumstheword]

That is wonderful and healing!
Or maybe as you Aussies would say "That is woolamooroo and hizzie....

Hahahahaha LOL :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: f*ckin' hilarious! I've no idea what you said though:D

 

[mumstheword]

My mother told me, when I told her, I was pregnant, that she'd been praying that something like that would happen. Is that weird?
Your 16 year old daughter takes off, after you ignore that she'd been raped and nearly died of alcohol poisoning and when she calls you up three months later, pregnant to a 34 year old, you tell her that was something you wanted for her. ?????
Is that kinda weird to you?
I guess it's a step up from her (me) turning up dead.
I don't understand my mum. She was having a fundi Christian phase at the time. I thought it was bonkers. It didn't involve any care coming my way so I was pretty cynical.
She's a very dissociative, self-focused person.

She'd already branded me as selfish (since small) nasty, lazy, "difficult", ungrateful, shameful (You should be ashamed was a constant message I got from tiny), a "guttersnipe" (at 11, not sure why) and I was always told if I wasn't happy, " If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". I ended up nearly mute and would cut, starve, and was deeply depressed instead.

To be honest I don't remember heaps of stuff.

I do remember being verbally attacked and taunted a lot by her, especially when I was angry or upset. I remember this last time she hit me, she was trying to pull my hair, kick me and slap me and punch me and I was 14 and a little bigger than her and I just held her arms and stopped her punching me. I was stronger than her. I never laid a finger on her though. I've never hit my mum. I just looked at her and held her off me.
I think I went to my Dad's shortly after that because that's what she'd say "if you don't like it here, go to your father's" so I would.

But Aspie parents aren't awesome either.

I'm deeply ashamed for having the audacity to procreate. Especially with my circumstances. I thought it was the only way survival could happen though. I'm only here because of my fruitful womb. He never cared about me and I knew it. I never expected to be cared about though, that's why I wanted someone I could care about but I was a shell. I lurched from one thing that happened to my body to the next thing that happened to my body.
Deeply ashamed.

 

[mumstheword]

Yep, I have a lot of toxic emotional residue around, towards and from my mum.
It's one of my primary Recovery Goals.

To be able to cope with my mother.
To not feel like a non-person around her.
To not feel constantly ashamed and frightened around her.
To not feel worthless around her.
To let go of anger and hurt around her.
To not be frightened to stand up to her, be truthful, stand my ground and be true to myself around her.
Is this even possible? I honestly don't know.
I hope so.

 

[mumstheword]

The first time I remember being penetrated, I was 9.

 

[mumstheword]

So I'm sad, I'm guilty, I'm sad, I'm scummy.
My son left here happy though.
He's back at Dad's, for now, til I get a place.

I think you're right @Swift and @Freida. I know the territory and I'm basically trained and primed for my kids to have plenty of crappy stuff, crap fallout and more trauma and to help them pick themselves up and put themselves back together. I'm sad about it, but I'm resigned.

 

[ILoveLife]

It's perfectly possible for you to heal from all your abuses, including your mother's.
:hug: :hug:
I'm hopeful today so I'm sharing the hope.

 

[Freida]

I've noticed when I let myself meet little me's needs, I can be a better big person, a proper, mature, responsible grown up.

I need to remember this - and pay attention when you talk about how well it works--- if I can just notice

tracky daks

WTH is a tracky dacks????? :laugh::laugh::laugh:

I thought it was the only way survival could happen though.

I think this is the saddest thing I have read in your diary. I don't even have words

 

[mumstheword]

I need to remember this - and pay attention when you talk about how well it works--- if I can just notic...

Tracky Daks are track suit pants :)
Durry's are cigerettes
A billy in a water pipe
A chook's (a chicken's) bum mouth is when you have pursed lips, as in a disapproving expression
Chucking a spaz = an angry outburst/ having a tantrum
Spitting the dummy = an angry outburst
Taking the piss = making fun of people (we are big on humour, often of the self or other depreciating variety)
Housos= Australia's version of what you'd call "trailer trash" type low socio economic type people
There @somerandomguy and @Freida are some translations from Australian for you :roflmao: those words you said @somerandomguy must be a different language.

 

[Freida]

LOL love that!! I have a good aussie friend - can't wait to try them out on her

 

[mumstheword]

I need to remember this - and pay attention when you talk about how well it works--- if I can just notic...

:hug: @Freida