I'm a few posts late to the party, sorry, but:
Re: bashing and slashing -
I'm only speaking from my own experience - but:
There's something so uncomplicated about good old-fashioned physical violence compared to emotional abuse.
The hardest bits to unf*ck for me have been the emotional stuff. There's literally nothing complicated about being hit or physically hurt on purpose. I mean, it's shitty. But it's not messy thought-wise. They were angry, they hit me, job done.
And then there's the systematic stuff: they hit me when they're angry. And that becomes the belief that I deserve to be hit. Or, when I'm upset he says I'm crazy. He says that so often it becomes the belief that I am crazy.
And then there's the sadistic stuff: they hurt me in some f*cked up physical way. And they either a) liked that power, or b) literally gave zero f*cks I was suffering. Or. They hurt me so much emotionally, liking the power of upsetting me, and literall y giving no f*cks how much it hurt.
So yeah. I think we have this kinda ingrained belief in a 'hierarchy of abuse.' Like, emotional is less bad than physical which is less bad than sexual. Personally, I think that's bullshit. Utter bullshit. It's privileged white-male 'civilized' 'scientific' medical establishment utter crap, and Maslow can shut up. (I may go and have a rant on my own thread about the 'scientific hierarchy of pain.)
For those of us who live in our heads much more than our bodies, for those of us who attach much more meaning to our self-belief than who we have sex with, emotional stuff is the worst.
I'd much rather be punched in the face than be gaslit and headf*cked and told all that shit he told you.
Denying you medical treatment was systematic and sadistic.
I know it doesn't fit the classical definition of what "physical abuse" is, but, I don't feel comfortable saying there was 'no physical abuse' in your relationship, because of the physical toll it took on you. Like, maybe there was no hitting or no kicking or no slapping or no whatever, but I don't think it was entirely emotional.
I reckon what happened to you was physical, even if he didn't hit you.
But in the long run I almost died of organ failure and multiple
"so many parasites, it was like I had lived in India all my life" said the diagnostician.
Like, wtf? I don't think I'll ever believe that your abuse had no physical impact.
Not that it's an important distinction to make to me. Emotional shit is the worst, physical shit is the worst, sexual shit is the worst, it's all the worst.
I just... I'm so angry that you suffered that. I'm angry about the absolute disregard he showed you as a human being. I'm angry at the lack of medical care you had while you had seven (!!!) Children.
Quite frankly it's a miracle you're alive. Maybe, being doctor-spawn with a mum who seems to think it's appropriate to share your work-day with a five year old, I heard a few more medical horror stories about childbirth than your average person. Like, double transfusions with doctors pumping blood into both arms while the otherwise healthy mother gives birth, she survived,luckily, stories.
Childbirth is still the world's biggest killer of women. The biggest killer for children under five? Diarrhoea. The major killer for people aged 15-44 in Aus? Suicide.
Like, it's so f*cked up.
You could have died from any one of the multiple things that your body was put through. And times that by 7 for complicating factors in your pregnancy.
So yeah. f*ck your bastard ex, essentially.
I've been through anything, because mine is because of my utter defectiveness, badness and "craziness".
I know how that feels... but, so so so so so so so so so so not true.
And - here's how I logic myself out of that particular hole.
Even if what my traumabrain says is true - I could be as crazy and bad and terrible as it says - I still would not deserve what she did to me. It's not possible to deserve that.
