Relationship Supporters ---- what do i do when it's time to be angry?

[Freida]

So I've discovered grief, which sucks. And if I understand this process anger is next up and this scares me to death because I don't want to take it out on my supporters. I get cranky and irritable and act like a toddler having a temper tantrum when I get frustrated as it is and they are incredibly tolerant. But my T says that based on my experiences there is probably a lot of of anger and rage I'm going to have to process to heal. And I don't know what that means. I may just get increasingly cranky or I may trash the house and beat people up. I just don't know. I haven't been "angry" since I had to fight for my life years ago - and that was ugly.

Being the runner that I am my first instinct is to just take off. Wouldn't it be better for hubby and all the rest of them if I just went elsewhere while I deal with it? In my messed up brain that would be the best option. They don't have to deal with me and I don't have to worry about lashing out and being bitch woman from hell to them. But. Reading stuff from your side has taught me that what I think and what supporters want can be two totally different things.

Thoughts???? Suggestions? Smacks upside the head???

 

[NaeNae75]

So I've discovered grief, which sucks. And if I understand this process anger is next up and this scares...

Oh, Freida, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. But you should be proud of yourself for how you're handling it; proactively. If it were me, I'm okay with my s/o taking space, but it helps if I know it is coming and why.
Maybe tell them this and ask what their thoughts are. If my honey told me that they needed something, I would be touched and gladly support them with love. Whether it's to be a shoulder to cry on, or patiently waiting for them to process alone. Just having him be proactive in letting me know what they need would be a step in the right direction for us.
Bless you on your journey through your grief process.

 

[Sweetleaf]

My other pdoc goes to this place now and then that specializes in therapeutic smashing the f*ck out of things. Like, seriously - as an outlet for intense anger and rage such as what you might have if you've been severely traumatized. Just shit to help you get it out. Maybe doing something like that would help lighten your load of anger? Could give you a good outlet for it, so you have a lower chance of it leaking onto your supporters.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm a fan of breaking plates on the back of my shed.

 

[scout86]

I used to go out with a guy who had a heavy punching bag. I used it more than he did. LOL (At the time, I didn't know why.)

Whoever actually deserves your wrath isn't going to around anyway, I'd go with taking things out on inanimate objects.

 

[Friday]

Discipline.

Self control.

Target Identification.

Clear your back blast.

...fan of breaking plates on the back of my shed.

<chuckling> Mine’s glassware. :sneaky: Bought a whole damn pallet of restaurant glassware when I was first learning to get my temper back under control. That 8 seconds it took to get from :mad: to the corner of the garage/shed? Priceless! Truly, one of the foundations upon which my life is built, creating space between impulse & actions.

<cough> And... yes. I DO have a special place in my heart for rodeo songs & that 8 second ride! :roflmao: :hilarious: :inlove:

@Freida... I actually have some more for you from both sides of this line, I’ve got a wee bit of a thing for dating exceptionally violent men with hair trigger tempers, and out of dozens only 2 have been assholes... and then there’s me own fine temper to contend with. But that’s a long post, and the foundation of it is up above. KISS. You ain’t gonna go running around kicking babies in their head, or ripping your beloved’s arm off and beating him to death with it. Listening to your instincts doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to them. Self control is a thing. And you’ve got it.

 

[Freida]

goes to this place now and then that specializes in therapeutic smashing the f*ck out of things.

I need to look for one of those places!

I love the glass breaking thing! I can do that in the garage with a minimum of fear for 911 calls from the neighbors. And there is a good will just down the street for restocking. And I'm pretty sure hubby would be fine listening to me break stuff as long as he could still hear his video games LOL

Listening to your instincts doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to them. Self control is a thing. And you’ve got it.

I need to convince myself of this. My way of controlling it is not to feel it. Guess I need to learn I can go go from 1 to 50 instead of 1 to 100. Well hell, now that I think about it -- I didn't burst into flame when I cried so maybe I won't ignite someone else when I get mad.

Clear your back blast.

I need that tattooed on my forehead.:arghh;

I think my other fear is taking off on them. Y'know, I start thinking they would be better off not having to deal with me and my drama. And yes...I get that they have stuck around so far but.....I HAVE to get past the idea that they would be happier if I left to work this out in another city, state, country, wherever. I mean -- wouldn't you? If you never had to deal with the anger phase? Or am I ass backwards?

ust having him be proactive in letting me know what they need would be a step in the right direction for us.

I guess that's the challenge. I'm not sure what I'm going to need. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself from fear of the unknown (say its not so!) and I just need to start talking to them about what might be coming next. Including my supporters in the process? Well there's a novel thought. :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[ILoveLife]

I don't think taking some time to your self is such a bad thing.
I agree with self control, but I also know we are entitled to feel the rage.

And when we're alone it's easier to just feel all those emotions.

Maybe talk to hubby about it and make a joint decision based on what you both need when that time comes?

I'm very much for bottling emotions not to disturb others, but that's not particularly healthy either and then I get upset with chopping boards out of place.

 

[scout86]

Guess I need to learn I can go go from 1 to 50 instead of 1 to 100.

This reminded me of something my T said that really struck me. He uses a "gazelle/antelope vs tiger" metaphor a lot to discuss symptoms.

He said, "A well adjusted gazelle has to be able to go 60 to 0 as easily as goes 0 to 60."

:eek::arghh;:bag:
Not something I'd ever considered. (I actually told him I'd rather be a tiger, but he said they should be able to it too. :rolleyes:)

Think of it as just another new skill that will take practice to master. And communicate as best you can.

 

[Hojay]

I think the kindest thing you can do is be as open as possible: “I’ve been feeling really angry and I think I’ll be pretty off kilter over the next couple of weeks. It’s not you, it’s not you, it’s not you. Even if I say it’s you, I may think that at that moment, but it’s not you.” Reaffirm the last part however many times you/they need. Give them some pointers as to how to react when xyz happens. Whether it’s a hug or a joke or whatever you predict may ease the situation. Also, when one of them tells you you’ve crossed a line, don’t respond, just retreat—apologies can come later when you’re calm. Oh, and have I mentioned to reaffirm it’s not them? That would be my advice.

 

[Freida]

And when we're alone it's easier to just feel all those emotions.

yep. that's the thing. It's easier to fall apart when I'm alone - which I know upsets them but I don't quite grasp why.

"A well adjusted gazelle has to be able to go 60 to 0 as easily as goes 0 to 60."

wow. just. wow. hmmmm........ that makes my head hurt - always a sign of a good thing

Also, when one of them tells you you’ve crossed a line, don’t respond, just retreat—apologies can come later when you’re calm

This is brilliant -- especially if we work it out ahead of time.
Them: Tell me I'm being a bitch then let me escape
Me: Understand I'm being told I'm being bitchy....then escape
Ok. that I can do (LOL best laid plans and all!)

have I mentioned to reaffirm it’s not them?

Note to self -- start practicing that now.

 

[Mach123]

In time I think these behaviors dissipate. I would say "you learn how to control yourself" and I do mean that however, I also mean "you have gotten a lot better and you are better in all areas including controlling yourself." Then when you are really having a fit, which you probably still will on occasion no matter how much better you get, you say "I'm having a fit." probably not big news to anyone, "and you'll have to excuse me." Everyone is human and gets a pass for bad behavior now and then. It's when you insist that people accept your bad behavior. If you know you are behaving badly, that's more than I can say for a lot of people!