General When your partner is suicidal

[sportsgirl]

Looking for some guidance as to handle to handle it when your partner is suicidal.

My wife has PTSD through military and personal sexual trauma. Lately life has just not been going her way. Her therapist is moving out of state, her Mom got sick and required open heart surgery and my wife is having some health issues of her own.

She admitted she was suicidal because she wants all of the pain and the physical and emotional toll this is taking on her to stop. My wife evn told me and our closest friends how she planned on doing it (sucking from a helium tank, which she bought and then realized that would do the trick).

We removed the guns from our house and her support network has closed ranks a little and let her know we are here for her.

But boy all of this is taking a toll on me. I am an emotional person and I wear my feelings on my sleeve. She does not. I know I have to be strong for her and our fur babies, but ...

I hurt.

Thanks for letting me share.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like it’s hospital time.

It sounds like she cannot keep herself safe as she is actively planning how to kill herself.

 

[sportsgirl]

It sounds like it’s hospital time.

It sounds like she cannot keep herself safe as she is acti...

Thanks. Yeah, but of course she says that hospitals and meds don't work for her. So...

 

[Justmehere]

Glad you are here. Keep reaching out to that support network for support for you too. It does hurt when a loved one is in that much pain. :hug:

It’s great that she’s sharing how hard it is right now for her, and I’m glad there is a network of folks around her.

If you ever are concerned for her safety, and/or feel like it’s overwhelming you, calling a crisis line to get their objective perspective and support is an option open to all supporters. Some crisis lines are good and some are not, but in general, they are not just for the person in crisis, but those around them, and they add a level of training and objectivity that can help in evaluating what to do. I had a friend who was a veteran actively taking steps to die, and I reached out to the VA crisis line. They helped me talk to her and talk her into putting down the means of ending her life and going to a hospital voluntarily. She too was clear hospitals and meds were not working... but over the long haul, she said it was good she went because it was a stepping stone to a longer plan to staying alive and finding relief from the pain.

If your wife can keep planning to be safe, then she may not need a hospital stay but other steps towards more help and support.

Acute inpatient stays are good at keeping someone alive, and sometimes they ok at getting them to better care outpatient. They are rarely good at treating underlying trauma. It’s not really what they are set up to do. But they might be able to help her get into new outpatient care and possibly a higher level of care. There are inpatient programs that specialize in trauma, and some that even specialize in treating veterans.

Is the therapist aware of the depth of her thoughts and planning? Are they helping with getting her connected to new care?

If she is working with any docs for the medical concerns or on any meds now, they really need to know about the sucidality. Sometimes meds can paradoxically cause suicidal thinking - even non-psych meds. It is so important her treatment team knows what’s up.

My heart goes out to you. Keep up any self care routines that you have and keep reaching out.

 

[Friday]

Link Removed

^^^ Very much for vet families, as much as vets ^^^

Yeah, but of course she says that hospitals and meds don't work for her

There are a lot of vets who flat out refuse hospitalized care (I’m one of them), and short of a SWAT team taking them down & in, have both the ability & willingness to back that up.

1. If you need a SWAT team? The Vet Crisis Line can make that happen ...very easily.

((I should probably note, here, that part of special weapons & tactics training is focused on veteran retrieval / LEO retrieval, & teams always include highly trained negotiators (hostage, rescue, suicide). The goal of SWAT in these cases is to bring highly trained & capable people in safely, who couldn’t be brought in safely by less skilled operators. On a personal level? Everyone on those teams knows that this could one day be them, or someone they love, and a lot of them are prior service military to boot. It’s about bringing in a brother (sister) who’s hurting. Not taking down a bad guy.))

2. Because nooooooobody wants to bring in a SWAT team ;) there are a lot of interim steps available that civilians are largely uninterested in.

((It’s a bit of a generalization, but it’s probably fair to say that most civvies want “to be taken care of”/ believe nobody cares/ lower levels of care “aren’t good enough” (and so keep escalating behavior to get higher levels of care/attention), meanwhile most vets want to be left alone (and will bend over backwards / deescalate for the lowest level of care that will get people to back the f*ck off). >>> The VetCrisisLine is used to dealing with vets, who just want to be left alone... and easing/bullying them into higher levels of care than they currently have... without having to resort to -unwilling- inpatient hospitalization & escalating situations.))

Calling the crisis line will give you a whole helluva lot of resources and options to seek out that are in between “do nothing” & “hospital”. There really are a LOT of things in that gap. You don’t have to wait for it to be a crisis to call. In fact, it’s better if you don’t wait / have more options sooner.

3. It is absolutely unacceptable that YOU are stuck on suicide watch 24/7. That’s an impossible & exhausting task to set yourself at. YOU need support & care, regardless of what’s going on with her. The VetCrisisLine can help set that up for you, and get you in contact with friends&family groups, counseling, support

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks. Yeah, but of course she says that hospitals and meds don't work for her. So...

How many hospitals has she been in? How many meds has she been on?

I’m guessing none/very few.

Really, when someone is actively threatening suicide, they aren’t in the right mind to be making decisions.

I’m speaking as someone who JUST was released from inpatient/PHP a few days ago for suicidal impulsiveness. (I had no plan.)

When someone is that close to acting on suicidal thoughts, outside help MUST be called in. The decision is out of her hands, at least to the point of being properly evaluated by professionals who can determine if she’s ok to be released from care and be on her own.

 

[LuckiLee]

When someone goes from ideation to making plans?? It's time for outside help. Imho.

Call a crisis line they'll walk you through it and answer your specific questions.

Don't forget to take care of yourself too.