Relationship Relationship in downward spiral - help needed

[Mytime]

You say you both can communicate when there’s a third party. Do you know why?

 

[RB0713]

I think it is because we both can talk without getting interrupted, and she will listen to what I have to say while we are there

 

[Sweetpea76]

Communication is a struggle. You'd think just talking would be easy. It's amazing how much difference it makes when you figure out how to communicate effectively though.

 

[RB0713]

Does anyone have advice on creating healthy boundaries?

My struggles are with:
1) I express my feelings and she either justifies her position or invalidates them. Often she would say I am critizing her, and takes over the conversation talking about her feelings
2) As an example for another thing: She took my daughter to a child psychiatrist and the doctor said my daughter's speech delay is due to a possible neurological disease, when her pediatrician disagrees. I tried to talk to my fiancé about this an said the shrink is giving advice not in her expertise, and I was cut off and she was angry my focus was on the credentials
3) She has made several personal and hurtful statements, regarding not providing enough for the family, telling my parents that I am not looking after them, even though everything is taken care of.

there are others but I think that would be a good start

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are about controlling you're own behaviors and reactions, not hers. It's impossible to control how somebody else is going to behave. All she can do is choose to respect your boundaries or violate them. So instead of saying "You can't do X!!", you'd say "I cannot tolerate X. If you continue to do X, I will leave/exit the situation/end the conversation (whatever)."

Now here is the hard part... if you don't enforce your boundaries, they're worthless. You need to decide where your limits are... hard lines, deal breakers, what you have some wiggle room on. Then you need to mean what you say and say what you mean. You can't waffle. If you say, for instance, you cannot tolerate verbal lashing out and you will end the conversation when she does it, you have to end the conversation EVERY TIME she does it.

Also, she has no say in your boundaries. They're YOUR boundaries, they're not up for discussion or debate. Just like she'd expect you to respect her boundaries, she has to respect yours or deal with the consequences.

 

[Justmehere]

Agree with everything @Sweetpea76 said.

Boundaries are also about letting go of what you can’t control, and having an internal boundary to taking on what others think and feel.

I express my feelings and she either justifies her position or invalidates them.

Let her have her opinions and feelings. Doesn’t make them something you have to take on or agree or change or even listen to her ramble on about them. Find validation elsewhere right now, and that might help to not be so shaken when she disagrees. You can set the boundary of the limit of what you can handle talking to her about, and then walk away.

Try using the pattern of saying “when you... I feel.” This is a little less easy to argue. But she may anyhow. You still get to be you and have the feelings you have. Hang on to that.

Often she would say I am critizing her, and takes over the conversation talking about her feelings

If she doesn’t give you space in a conversation, you can let her know you are ending the conversation unless/until she is willing to give you more space to hear you out.

I tried to talk to my fiancé about this an said the shrink is giving advice not in her expertise, and I was cut off and she was angry my focus was on the credentials

What would you liked to have happen about the speech delay?

Let me own my bias. I was a “failure to thrive” kid - part of failure to thrive meant I had speech and other delays until I got into preschool where I had more responsive caregivers. I don’t think this is the case for your toddler or anything. But, to me, from my biased perspective, it seems like not a horrible idea for a mother who is struggling already with regulating her own emotions, and has a toddler with a speech delay, to consult with a shrink. Hopefully the doc talked with her about how she is doing too. I wish my mother had done that.

In general, mothers get worried about their children when something isn’t normal. Not sure why she went to a psychiatrist instead of relying on the pediatrician’s recommendation, but it’s not actually a horrible idea to get a second opinion. Speech delays can be caused by autism or a wide variety of disorders and some psychiatrists can evaluate for such disorders. Doc wasn’t actually entirely outside of their expertise. “Possible neurological condition” doesn’t mean much. Like yeah, there are lots of possibilities. If I go to an ENT and they say I have a possible heart condition because of something they notice, that’s suggesting they know they can’t give the input a cardiologist can give, but are still giving a heads up further eval may be needed.

Saying the doc was the wrong kind doc does miss the boat a little: the toddler still has a speech delay and she’s still concerned. She shouldn’t have cut you off. That’s not ok either.

But focus on the child and figuring out next steps. Is there a compromise you and her might be able to agree on about the next step to adddress the issue of the speech delay?

She has made several personal and hurtful statements, regarding not providing enough for the family, telling my parents that I am not looking after them, even though everything is taken care of.

Triangulated stuff with third parties. especially parents, can be tough. If your parents are coming to you with her complaints, hold boundaries with them. If they experience that triangulating the relationship problems isn’t a way to reach through to you, that may shut it down. I said to family, “so-and-so is welcome to come to me about that and I will address it directly.” Then I asked that it be dropped. Eventually, people came to me directly instead of complaining to others. You don’t need to defend yourself with your parents right now. It may feel like you need to do so, but you are an adult now. Hopefully they’ll see her for her and you for you. You focus on you and continuing to do the good work you are doing to work through all of this.

 

[RB0713]

Thanks for your responses. I will use some time to go over them in detail. In terms of the speech delay, I honestly believe the problem is her primary daytime care-giver (nanny) is not speaking to her or doing the reading and things like "I spy" or pointing to named objects. I was over there a couple of weeks ago and within a matter of 20 minutes, I was able to get her to point to nose, mouth and apple.
She is going to daycare twice a week starting Monday, so hopefully she picks things up quickly

 

[RB0713]

Thanks for the advice on boundaries. I was able to practice one of them yesterday. The conversation was getting heated. I expressed my boundary and she did push back. But I did act on it and ended the conversation. We were able to carry on later in the day.
She wasn't happy I hung up on her, but my response was I expressed my boundary and it wasn't respected.

 

[EveHarrington]

Awesome that you enforced your boundary!

 

[Justmehere]

But I did act on it and ended the conversation. We were able to carry on later in the day.

Well done!!! I’m glad it worked too.

Is the matter with your daughter that you would like to change who provides care for her and your wife doesn’t? It’s good she’ll start going to daycare. Can those days be increased? Is there a compromise you can make on the next steps?

The speech delay, does possibly warrant some intervention. If the pediatrician says it’s still a wait-and-see situation, then that makes sense to wait. But not being talked to enough can leave a child behind, and lead to other isssues. It’s important to remedy that early. Language delays, whatever the cause, can lead to other problems. The sooner a child can get help to get caught up, the better they tend to do, and the more problems that are avoided.

I know someone who had a delay, and it wasn’t remedied or caught until he was past the age where his brain could develop certain abilities. It has lead to lifelong problems. He’s brilliant and in a great career, but always has to take steps to remedy this issue.

Hopefully exposure to more speech at daycare will be sufficient, but I’d keep close tabs on how she is doing in terms of development, especially over the next year or so. Regardless if you stay with your wife or not, your daughter needs her parents to be willing to compromise towards finding what’s best for her. It’s super tough to face challenges like this in the best of marriages.

Keep up the good work!