What can I do to help firearms become less triggering to me?

[Sweetleaf]

I hope this is the right section for this - won't mind if you move it if you think it belongs somewhere else.

I know I can't be the only person who has to deal with being triggered by firearms - and I'm hoping some of you are out there and maybe some of you have found ways to turn down the trigger-level knob?

If so, I would really love any advice anyone could give me.

--

A little backstory:

I used to have reservations about carrying guns again, due to one specific traumatic incident where I had a gun, and my life was being threatened. But I had EMDR work on it, and now it's basically cleared all reservations about owning/using/carrying firearms. I now see that I did the right thing and actually did a pretty good job, and nobody got hurt.

In fact, I am starting to feel extremely vulnerable without a firearm. I live in a place where they're extremely legal. We have really high gun ownership rates, and just about every shifty motherf*cker is armed with some kind of weapon, like a knife, a gun, or whatever. I saw a crazy homeless guy running along the sidewalk yelling shit out, flailing his arms around, acting very agitated and crazy - and on his belt was a can of bear spray. That cranked up the threat level on that guy something fierce, at least in regards to how threatened I felt by his presence even though I was safe in my car.

Later today, I had a super shifty looking guy come running up to my car going "HEY! HEY! HEY!" and I just jumped in it super fast and took off (I was exiting a business)

So - I am desperately wishing to reclaim my hobby of owning and firing pistols, and my old practice of always carrying a concealed firearm - I spent the majority of my adult life carrying a concealed firearm, and have had shooting as a hobby for years. (It's legal here to carry open or concealed at 21 here, no permit required, no permit for ownership, no registration, private sales are legal and totally bypass background check requirements - so even people not allowed to have guns can easily get guns - of course, I am allowed to own firearms)

But I have other trauma that involves guns, and it's making it very difficult to even look at them - particularly semiautomatic polymer framed blocky pistols. They don't have to be the same make and model as what was pointed at me, it just has to be that general polymer pistol look. Or the right kinds or rifles, but I have no interest in owning a rifle for the time being (aside from the .22lr rifle I have that just sits in a closet). The polymer pistols are by far the most triggering guns for me though.

Any gun can trigger me if I see it on TV or something, particularly if it points at the camera, which has triggered flashbacks multiple times before.

I am kinda rambling so I will try to get to the point: I've had guns pointed at me many times. I've had them pointed at me, told I was going to be killed, many times. I could have been killed so many times. I couldn't even sleep, without the fear that I'd be taking a bullet to the brain in my sleep - for years, during my trauma. I did shit that could have gotten me killed, because I thought I was gonna be killed. ugh I dont really wanna go more into it, the humiliating things I had to do, the horrible painful things I had to do, the dangerous things I had to do, the disgusting things I had to do. That shit really f*cks me up - and seeing guns can make me f*cking panic sometimes, or thinking about those memories rather - anything that makes me think of those memories, makes me react big time.

But I so desperately want to feel at least a little more safe, at least a little more like I have a chance at protecting myself if I have no other option. I feel like if I carried again like I used to, I might feel more safe just going out for a walk. But I dunno how to make sure I can handle at least just having -my own- firearm? I am hoping as long as it's -me- with the gun, maybe I won't be so triggered by it?

My pdoc said that it's kind of tricky handling memories like ones where guns are pointing at you, because guns are inherently very dangerous, and it's never a good thing to have one pointed at you - it's not something that you should, or probably even can, trick your brain into thinking is safe - so how do I stop being triggered by guns then? How do I make them less likely to make me have a panic attack, when they're just harmlessly sitting there doing nothing? I haven't even tried holding a pistol yet since the trauma.

Trying to do EMDR on the gun stuff is really intense right now. I can handle just minutes at a time, maybe we did like an actual minute of reprocessing today - the rest was talking with the tappers going without going into the sets of reprocessing. We had to stop it entirely though and get me calmed down and present again.

I want this shit to stop being a problem for me so badly though. But it's like f*cking baby steps right now.

Can I just desensitize myself to seeing them at least? At least enough for me to carry one that is a make and model that is nothing like what was pointed at me? Would exposure work?

How can I get back into owning pistols, carrying them, and practicing with them?

Any help or input would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Neverthesame]

In my city we have a couple of firing ranges that rent firearms for use on the range. If you have something similar, you could get re-aquainted with shooting, without having to invest a ton of money and responsibility of ownership.

Here's the link to the one in my city, so you can see if have something similar in your area.
I haven't had a chance to go myself yet, but a few people I work with have. They said it was enjoyable. One owns a firearm, the other two do not.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Neverthesame there is one range I know of in my area that does that - but they also have a $200/year annual membership fee.

I'll keep looking though because that's a great idea that didn't cross my mind.

 

[Friday]

I’m not fond of the trend Glock started, with their Barbie Colored pistols :wtf: But some of my stuff revolves around being able to accurately and swiftly identifying weapon vs toy. Pink, purple, & sky blue Glocks piss me off. But? Everyone else followed suit and now there are a whole skittles rainbow of 9mm - .45s in tie die blue, purple splatter paint, you name it, it’s out there. All the big boys make them. So if you’re looking for something composite? Black & desert tan aren’t your only options.

Alternatively?

You could go classic, with a M1911A1, with shiny shiny bright work (custom chrome plated, scrollwork, the whole nine) body & pearl grips.

Less flashy? Same durn pistol, and still metal not composite, but less shiny. Or a Colt MKIV series 80.

Too many semi-autos to list that bridge the gap between modern composite and classic metal.

Which then leads naturally away from semi-automatic onto shiny chrome plated revolvers, or even big damn paperweights (antiques, neither composite, nor blocky).

***

I’m an über big 2nd on spending time renting weapons at the range. You’d need to spend time there, anyway, might as well try a few out that don’t visually make your hackles raise to get comfy, first, before bringing your baby home. Might find that your sensitivity wears off.

At one point I decided to get proficient in every pistol out there -except berettas- and low and behold a few months in I got envy-drooled into trying an Olympic modified target beretta they got in stock. It was worth it. You could almost aim behind you and it would bullseye. You could write words with that f*cker, at 30 meters. The damn thing was precise as f*ck. I lost my shit with it... once. When the slide bit me, running almost perfectly over my old scars. (I HATE berettas. That only happens when you’re gripping it “wrong”, but at the time I was wrestling with someone, wasn’t like I had the time to adopt a proper stance. I just needed to fire it, now. Anyhow the bite got infected, and it scarred, and I’ve hated berettas ever since.) Theyre still a bit difficult for me to deal with, but less because trauma, and more because of dripping disdain over anything that has to be held like a princess in order to work under real world conditions. Hence, the target shooter. It was never intended for real world. It was intended to drill holes. That let me try it. Using it eventually triggered me enough under closed conditions that I worked my way through the trigger. I still sorta suspect I gripped it wrong that day on the range on purpose, but I have a wee bit of localised amnesia surrounding the incident.

Point being, range time may well work in both directions, for you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Friday lmao yeah, I've always thought those funky colored guns were f*cking ridiculous and toy-esque. I've never wanted one before but as cringey as it is to even consider buying one - I think funky colored guns might be a potential work around for me >.<

You could go classic, with a M1911A1, with shiny shiny bright work (custom chrome plated, scrollwork, the whole nine) body & pearl grips.

Less flashy? Same durn pistol, and still metal not composite, but less shiny. Or a Colt MKIV series 80.

I've actually been heavily leaning towards a 1911.

I already know I like shooting them, I love how they feel in my hands, they are classic as all f*ck, if you get a pretty shiny one they are classy as all f*ck. My roommate had one when I lived in the middle of nowhere so while I've never owned one, I'm pretty familiar with them for a gun that I have never owned, seeing as I got to fondle it a bunch and fire it.

Also I am a massive history nerd, and it's really cool to me to use a firearm whose basic design is over 100 years old, but still is valid.

In October I get oil money so I should have a decent budget for a reliable pistol, 500 rounds of fmj ammo for practice, a CC holster and a few boxes of hollowpoints, some for testing/practice some for carry. I will probably go for a pretty plain looking one, honestly. But it might not be a bad idea to go for a finish that isn't black, just like, make it be as unlike those guns that pointed at me as I can.

So I have some time to prep myself - but I would -really- like to be ready-ish by October, at least for the "I can walk into a gun store and buy a gun" part.

Considering I feel excited at the thought of having a pistol again, maybe I won't have such a hard time. But then again, I'm surprised all the time by thinking I won't react too bad to something, and then I react horribly.


Would doing something like, simply going to a gun store, or even a grocery store's lil' gun section, just to fondle a 1911 and see how it makes me feel, see if/how bad it triggers me, be a good idea?

Would going to gun stores and just looking at shit be exposure? Would that potentially help me desensitize to the stimuli of guns that aren't in people's hands?

Also in regards to practice - once I do have a pistol again, I do have a few places I know of that I could practice without a bunch of other people around shooting. Relatively short drive too. I used to use these places a lot when I lived in the area (in the middle of nowhere) - totally legal to shoot there, so long as you pick up your casings. Really good natural backstops too.

I don't know if there is any range-rental that I could afford at the present moment, unfortunately.

It would be kind of lame to buy a gun and then wind up not being able to use it at all - but then again it can just sit locked up until I am ready to use it, if that happens. I am really determined to not let firearms become something on the "I just gotta avoid this forever" list.

 

[Rumors]

Just starting out, I would go with a little Walther P380. Shoot something that fits your hand well then move up. I like to carry a 380 bc they are light, quick, and easy. I am less fond of composite guns and more fond of the wood grips. I remember a guy made fun of me and said something about a 380 just pissing somebody off and my comeback was "not if I shoot them between the eyes" Just keep in mind that just bc the bullet gets bigger doesn't mean it will necessarily stop an assailant. If you shoot something comfortable with great accuracy then you will have a much better feeling of safety versus having a Glock with hollow point bullets but can't hit the broad side of the barn bc of the recoil. I shoot a lot. My husband has a large gun collection and a very nice Colt collection and my birthdays and holidays are usually wrapped with a pistol. Lol. I think shooting for comfort first will give you the boost you need to move past the triggers... good luck

 

[Friday]

I already know I like shooting them, I love how they feel in my hands, they are classic as all f*ck, if you get a pretty shiny one they are classy as all f*ck. My roommate had one when I lived in the middle of nowhere so while I've never owned one, I'm pretty familiar with them for a gun that I have never owned, seeing as I got to fondle it a bunch and fire it.

Also I am a massive history nerd, and it's really cool to me to use a firearm whose basic design is over 100 years old, but still is valid

This ...:inlove:... is probably my favorite version of a shiny colt 1911 (ignore the slide stamp, it’s aftermarket, the pistol itself is a 1911). So sexy.

But since I take issue with zippers & buttons & bobby pins that aren’t blacked out or matte? :bag: Never gonna happen. Sometime, a few martinis in, I’ll tell my sequin dress story, and laughter shall ensue, because hilarity didn’t.

Would going to gun stores and just looking at shit be exposure? Would that potentially help me desensitize to the stimuli of guns that aren't in people's hands?

If it makes your nerves jangle? Absolutely.

The trick with exposure is boredom. As in, you only want a LITTLE bit of a reaction, and then none. Then you keep working your way in closer. Little spike, nothing, just chilling out. Seriously. I’m getting bored with this. Move in closer. Little spike starts ramping up too fast? Back away. Okay. Let’s play with this one, some more.

It’s almost exactly the same as getting used to cold water. Do it slow enough and it’s not cold.

Biggest difference is that if water were like triggers? The water would never be cold, again. Unless you were surprised by the water ;) Then, WTF just happened? But most of the time? All cold water = used to??? How awesome is this trick???

I’m someone who tends to just JUMP IN. Ha! Cold all at once, and done, motherf*cker! Whew!

I’ve done that with a few triggers, and don’t exactly recommend it. It can work, or it can lock them in harder. And it’s a coin flip as to which it will be. The few I did like that? Worked, although it meant spending a few days getting tackled to the floor (as well as picking up the not inconsiderable bar tab for the friends I roped in who panicked me for 3 or 4 days straight, it was a long weekend, beyond that I have no idea. Time stopped having meaning after I broke my hand and the 3rd or 4th time I pissed myself trying to fight people off), and hundreds of full on panic attacks, and a lot of suckiness. But it did work.

What I usually do? Is flirt around the edges of a thing. And then do the slow and gradual chipping off the sharp edges, until the trigger is first blunted, then gone.

So as to whether seeing, handling, etc. would be exposure therapy? It would depend on your reaction, and how you went about dealing with that reaction.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Rumors you have all sorts of great tips - stuff I totally agree with. But I already have a lot of shooting experience. My horrible father did at least educate me well with one thing - firearms. I grew up shooting guns. When I was 14, I fired his Winchester model 1901 10 ga lever action shotgun. That motherf*cking thing had some KICK, and it was also very long and very heavy, and very cool looking. Also, loud.

He had me fire 3" magnum 10ga shells out of it - f*cking stupid idiot asshole. The gun held up fine but I think it's kind of a dick move to let your kid shoot a 10ga 3" magnum shell out of a f*cking century old firearm that's chambered for 2 5/8" shells (IIRC) - even if you act as the guinea pig yourself first.

Anyway though - I've fired a lot of guns, I've fired .45 acp autos before including a 1911, and I feel comfortable with my ability to handle their recoil. I also have long hands, and I'm 5'11. Tall for a female. I haven't ever fired a .38 though, which is kind of funny. I had considered them for a time but, I felt like since I could handle more recoil, it'd be better to go for a round with a little more oomph.

When I carried though, before my trauma and during it - I always carried a 9mm. Usually a full size Springfield XD-9.

However, during the incident where I was cornered, having my life threatened, and had my hand gripping my pistol in a full grip, still in the holster (it was a compact Taurus pt24/7 pro c in 9mm - kinda f*cking hated the gun but it was reliable for me and I got it cheap, easier to hide than a full size XD) - that 9mm felt like it may as well have been a f*cking bb gun. Just like how it feels when I see a moose and all I have on me is a 9mm. So for my next gun I'm just gonna get a .45 acp eater no matter what gun I go with. Maybe it'll still feel like a BB gun but it will maybe feel like it has larger BBs.

For the record, I have stripped faster and in more public places, because... spiders. :eek: Aieeeeeee.

Hahaha - funny, I have very little fear of spiders and a lot of respect for them, I love watching them - as a kid I would chuck or swat bugs into their nets, if there was a cool spider around that I liked - but if they enter my home I will ruthlessly kill them. I'm the only person in my house totally unafraid of bugs. Even bees, hornets, creepy ass wasps that have really long ovipositors. I got like that just camping and shit as a kid - eventually your "I HATE THESE THINGS" drive overtakes the "ewww!!!!! gross!!! EEEK!!!" drive and you just smash.

Also related to the thread kinda - that same roomate, the one with the 1911, he kept pet spiders. Big ones. He'd capture bugs to feed them. He'd have them battle each other. Yes it was that f*cking boring in the village. That was quality entertainment.

I’m someone who tends to just JUMP IN. Ha! Cold all at once, and done, motherf*cker! Whew!

It's been years since I've swam, but I've always been the same way. We've only got cold water up here unless you're indoors. People who aren't locals often are pretty reluctant to get in the water. I also do a lot of "jumping in" nowadays and bite off more than I can chew a lot :/

I’ve done that with a few triggers, and don’t exactly recommend it. It can work, or it can lock them in harder. And it’s a coin flip as to which it will be. The few I did like that? Worked, although it meant spending a few days getting tackled to the floor (as well as picking up the not inconsiderable bar tab for the friends I roped in who panicked me for 3 or 4 days straight, it was a long weekend, beyond that I have no idea. Time stopped having meaning after I broke my hand and the 3rd or 4th time I pissed myself trying to fight people off), and hundreds of full on panic attacks, and a lot of suckiness. But it did work.

Lol, I've had some pretty bad "let's just dive in!" things. Some unintentional, like going to the hospital where my trauma ended, to get chest x-rays to check out my ribs, which were f*cked up by my trauma. But worse - this one wasn't unintentional, though I wasn't trying to do exposure at all - I did a genital exam with 2mg valium instead of the usual 1mg xanax (equivalent to around 15-20mg of valium IIRC) - baaaaaaad idea. I thought I could handle it because I had a worse genital exam a month or so before that - on xanax and in a very trauma informed small sonogram clinic. Also, the ultrasound person was female, but the surgeon that examined me was male. When I got home I was like curled in a ball on my bed crying and feeling disgusting and just.. yeah... for quite a while. It sucked bad.

So I think the "let's stick my toe in first" approach is going to be really wise with this one.

Also - would resetting goals/targets in EMDR, to shift towards trying to get me to not view guns that -aren't being held by anyone and don't have dangerous people around them-, like in a gun store for example, are okay to feel -relatively- safe around?

I mean that is objectively a reasonably safe situation, right? A gun store in the middle of the f*cking day. The staff are armed and shit, that should be a situation where I am supposed to feel safe, right? Or like, a gun range - I should feel reasonably safe there right? I did as a kid. I did as an adult before PTSD. Aagh.

 

[Friday]

Also - would resetting goals/targets in EMDR, to shift towards trying to get me to not view guns that -aren't being held by anyone and don't have dangerous people around them-, like in a gun store for example, are okay to feel -relatively- safe around?

I view them the same as the 2,000 pound battering rams capable of achieving speeds in excess of 100mph, personally. Although Cars & Trucks cause a lot more deaths, as well as injuries, per year. A person has to try and kill you with a firearm. With a car, all it takes is a moment’s inattention, or an icy spot. Still, no reason to walk around freaked out by cars all the time. Aware of the danger they represent, is different from being gripped by the danger, and even more different than losing control because of the danger.

I would suggest, however, that it sounds like your therapist is afraid of firearms? If so, EMDR with them might not be the best choice.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I would suggest, however, that it sounds like your therapist is afraid of firearms?

If she is, she copes with it a whole f*ckload better than me, considering she owns a pistol and wants to get a hunting rifle to go shoot moose. So I don't think she's afraid of firearms - I think she is just saying that thinking of the precise times where they were pointing at me, might always make my adrenaline kick up, or give me some level of distress. Or something like that.

I want to dial down that reaction dial, but I think it's going to take a long time for me to process all of the "guns are pointing at me" memories, and all the baggage they come with, all the other things that happened on those occasions that weren't a gun pointing at me.

She did say though, that it might be beneficial for us to talk about firearms, in that it might help desensitize me to them. That time we were doing it to help distract me and get me grounded, and present.

I want to view them like what you describe - tools - but the memories and feelings they can bring up are intense. That shit comes up, and my throat starts to close up, and I start to have a panic attack, even though in those moments I think I pretty much always depersonalized extremely heavily. Except the one that I couldn't even describe to her that came up in the last session, the thing that made us have to stop talking about those events. That time, I think, it was just pure fear and helplessness.

In EMDR reprocessing sets, or just talking about that shit to my pdoc, I can roll from panic to depersonalization, though naltrexone has made that happen less.


That is a great way to view them though. Seeing it as like, someone has to try to kill you with it - and there are things that statistically are more likely to kill me that I am not afraid of, beyond a reasonable level of caution. I just need to get my brain to get the message and quit reacting like I'm still in those moments.

 

[Sweetleaf]

So uhm... I got a gun today. Oops. ? :rofl:

It is really easy to get them here. I will say that.

I guess I kinda like, oopsed and did the "just dive into the cold water" thing, while intending to just walk into the gun shop and just -look around- and see if I could handle it.

I still plan on getting something in October - a much better gun, but perhaps this thing will help me desensitize to the point I can get -any- gun I want in the price range. Along with therapy.

I feel nauseous when I handle it too much, and I definitely don't like looking in a mirror holding it at all, but, hey, this -is- progress, right?

I have yet to load it - it's there really to help desensitize and dammit, it was great to feel that "yippee! new gun!!!" feeling for a bit. Even though the old me never, ever would have wanted to buy this specific gun. Hahaha.

Gun people are gonna probably laugh at this one but:

I got a Hi-Point JHP in .45 ACP. It's UGLY AS HELL, heavy as hell, and definitely not very concealable at all, it's f*cking huge - and all of that that makes me so much less triggered by it. I think I can just keep this locked up, and sometimes pull it out, manipulate it and take it apart, put it back together again, every now and then, just for some exposure to get more used to having a firearm in front of me. I might try disassembly tomorrow. It's got a fixed barrel so it's very unlike any semi-auto handgun I've owned before. Really simple gun though.

On top of that, it cost me $150, talked down from $200. Who the f*ck could possibly complain at that price? Especially with a lifetime warranty.

I want to work up to the point where I feel like I can take it out to a range (with company/support) and see how I feel, and maybe poke some holes in some paper if I can. Or watch other people do it, even.

There's other options too. People I know who live in remote areas where you can shoot on your property. A more quiet setting. That would probably be for the best.

Anyway. Did I do good or did I f*ck up?

Either way I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face in that gun store, as we were filling out the paperwork and everything. It felt really good, really relieving, to know that I was able to do that.

 

[Nessa7]

Both of the gun ranges near me do something involving people that have experienced trauma. Maybe it would help to go with other people that are trying to be more comfortable with guns?