- Post starter
- #13
Sweetleaf
Diamond Member
@Nessa7 I didn't even think of that or realize it was a thing, thanks!
I don't know if there will be much of that around here, but it's worth looking for sure. It's hard to find trauma support groups at all, to be honest. I could probably call up or email a few ranges and see what they have to say. Also firearms training places, places that give out concealed carry licenses and do other sorts of courses (we do not require CC permits/licenses in this state, but they can be issued so you get reciprocity when you travel to other US states)
Also could just ask my pdoc/t if she knows of any resources. She's into guns, which is so f*cking helpful for me lmao.
---
This morning, I took it out of its locked case - it made me feel nauseous, anxious, I put it back in and stuck it away.
Later in the day though, when I was feeling very calm and relaxed, I decided to go ahead and take it apart and see how it works.
It's a bit of a pain in the ass to take apart and put together, though only for a couple specific things. Other than that, it's -extremely- simple, such a simple gun, I kind of admire how simple it is to be honest - sorta minimalist, loose tolerances. Though I really, really hate that it can't be disassembled without a tool, considerable force applied to a pin (I whacked a little screwdriver with a monkey wrench carefully but hard, all I had on hand really), and that's the first step after racking the slide back. Eek! :eek: (I am not new to pins like that at all, I'm just not used to them being step number one, or even a part of light cleanings and maintenance)
Part of my trauma makes that a scary concept, knowing I can't disable a gun that's in my hands relatively swiftly - or even just, knowing that it's -possible- to take a specific gun apart without any tools, only with my hands. I'm shaking typing about this shit. Ugh.
Once that pin is out, it effectively takes itself apart with a little lifting and pushing of the slide. Lift it up off the back, and push forward.
Putting it back together is a little tricky because you have to make sure several things line up, while keeping the recoil spring from flying off into outer space. *looks away and whistles*
I cleaned it, I lubed it up, now it's much easier to work the slide, but even though it's properly lubricated and everything, it still -totally- feels cheap as f*ck hahaha. Really cheap feeling racking of the slide. I slid it back, it was much smoother, easy to do, but still not as nice feeling as a glock, XD, or like, just about anything. Even cheap Taurus semi-autos and stuff.
The fact that it's so different from the guns I've handled in the past, makes it so much less triggering to actually take it apart - and it is fascinating for me, to look at the internal workings of things. That goes for guns, for electronics, for my basses and guitars (too afraid to even try opening my synthesizer, f*ck that), amplifiers (with proper safety procedures, discharging capacitors, etc. before I fix them), so on and so forth. I'm a very hands-on person and I like to mess with things with my hands, fix stuff, make stuff. etc.
It was kind of grounding to take the gun apart and do the usual cleaning ritual, which I haven't done in a very long time. I still do shit pretty much the same way. It felt good. It was distracting, somehow. Entertaining. I didn't feel nauseous at any point, and just put it away when I was all done, after wiping down the outside of the gun and packing it back away with its supplies, in its case, and sticking it away again. Haven't brought it out since - I'm too afraid that it'll make me nauseous or something.
Gonna talk about it all with my pdoc/t tomorrow, see what she thinks.
I feel like I'm on the right track for desensitizing myself to guns. But, I also know I need to take it slow, for sure.
I think it was worth the investment, honestly.
If I wind up doing a 180 and wanting to never have anything to do with guns again, it'll sell for what I bought it for. Nothing lost.
I will say - I don't feel any more or less safe having it around. Right now, it's just an object, not useful for anything but exposure, and it spends most of its time sitting in a case.
I don't know if there will be much of that around here, but it's worth looking for sure. It's hard to find trauma support groups at all, to be honest. I could probably call up or email a few ranges and see what they have to say. Also firearms training places, places that give out concealed carry licenses and do other sorts of courses (we do not require CC permits/licenses in this state, but they can be issued so you get reciprocity when you travel to other US states)
Also could just ask my pdoc/t if she knows of any resources. She's into guns, which is so f*cking helpful for me lmao.
---
This morning, I took it out of its locked case - it made me feel nauseous, anxious, I put it back in and stuck it away.
Later in the day though, when I was feeling very calm and relaxed, I decided to go ahead and take it apart and see how it works.
It's a bit of a pain in the ass to take apart and put together, though only for a couple specific things. Other than that, it's -extremely- simple, such a simple gun, I kind of admire how simple it is to be honest - sorta minimalist, loose tolerances. Though I really, really hate that it can't be disassembled without a tool, considerable force applied to a pin (I whacked a little screwdriver with a monkey wrench carefully but hard, all I had on hand really), and that's the first step after racking the slide back. Eek! :eek: (I am not new to pins like that at all, I'm just not used to them being step number one, or even a part of light cleanings and maintenance)
Part of my trauma makes that a scary concept, knowing I can't disable a gun that's in my hands relatively swiftly - or even just, knowing that it's -possible- to take a specific gun apart without any tools, only with my hands. I'm shaking typing about this shit. Ugh.
Once that pin is out, it effectively takes itself apart with a little lifting and pushing of the slide. Lift it up off the back, and push forward.
Putting it back together is a little tricky because you have to make sure several things line up, while keeping the recoil spring from flying off into outer space. *looks away and whistles*
I cleaned it, I lubed it up, now it's much easier to work the slide, but even though it's properly lubricated and everything, it still -totally- feels cheap as f*ck hahaha. Really cheap feeling racking of the slide. I slid it back, it was much smoother, easy to do, but still not as nice feeling as a glock, XD, or like, just about anything. Even cheap Taurus semi-autos and stuff.
The fact that it's so different from the guns I've handled in the past, makes it so much less triggering to actually take it apart - and it is fascinating for me, to look at the internal workings of things. That goes for guns, for electronics, for my basses and guitars (too afraid to even try opening my synthesizer, f*ck that), amplifiers (with proper safety procedures, discharging capacitors, etc. before I fix them), so on and so forth. I'm a very hands-on person and I like to mess with things with my hands, fix stuff, make stuff. etc.
It was kind of grounding to take the gun apart and do the usual cleaning ritual, which I haven't done in a very long time. I still do shit pretty much the same way. It felt good. It was distracting, somehow. Entertaining. I didn't feel nauseous at any point, and just put it away when I was all done, after wiping down the outside of the gun and packing it back away with its supplies, in its case, and sticking it away again. Haven't brought it out since - I'm too afraid that it'll make me nauseous or something.
Gonna talk about it all with my pdoc/t tomorrow, see what she thinks.
I feel like I'm on the right track for desensitizing myself to guns. But, I also know I need to take it slow, for sure.
I think it was worth the investment, honestly.
If I wind up doing a 180 and wanting to never have anything to do with guns again, it'll sell for what I bought it for. Nothing lost.
I will say - I don't feel any more or less safe having it around. Right now, it's just an object, not useful for anything but exposure, and it spends most of its time sitting in a case.
