I think I’m getting attached to my t

[ImSad]

So. The title pretty much explains it. I think, after 7 months in therapy, I’m starting to get attached to my t. I understand that this is probably normal, given all of the vulnerability and openness that’s supposed to happen in therapy, but I can’t help but feel terrified.

I spent so long in therapy feeling detached and dissociated every session. I have a terrible fear of being judged by everyone and anyone and of feeling misunderstood, so all of this has made it difficult to feel any sort of connection to my t. I try my best to stay guarded to minimize and feelings of judgement.

But the past month or so I’ve been feeling more connected with my t. I shared something with her that was hard for me, and it actually helped her too and she thanked me for sharing it. That was the start of me feeling slightly less fear of judgement/misunderstanding from her. The last 2 sessions I was able to actually show more vulnerability with her, as I am usually pretty guarded and hadn’t cried in therapy since maybe the 2nd or so session that I had with her when I was in a rough place and having crying spells on a daily basis. I’ve cried in the last 3 sessions with her, proof to myself that I’m feeling safer and more able to be vulnerable.

I know all of this should be a good thing; all I wanted when I couldn’t feel anything or open up was to be able to do just that. But now that I’m finally getting there I’m terrified! I don’t know if I’ve ever really had an attachment to anyone without it hurting. I just...I don’t really know what to do about any of this. I keep trying to tell myself it’s a good thing to feel this connection and attachment. But the part of me that’s afraid wants me to retreat and go back to the numbness and distance that I was stuck in before. How am I supposed to beat that part? I’m so afraid of it taking over and ruining any progress that I’m making with this t. I’m afraid it’s going to convince me to drop out of therapy. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to convince myself and my parts that this connection and attachment is a good thing and it doesn’t have to hurt or be so scary.

 

[blackemerald1]

I don't believe you have to do anything. You are doing okay. You are making progress.

I can understand why you feel nervous about being attached but it's not unhealthy.

Your Therapist can probably see that you are now trusting her and becoming attached. Remember this isn't a friendship in the normal social meaning. This is a professional relationship.

This doesn't mean you cannot trust, like, respect and even admire your therapist. I do with mine.

Your Therapist has the responsibility of managing this relationship and keeping it professional and helping you heal. It is her that has to hold those boundaries with you.

This doesn't mean you can go off beam and think and do inappropriate things regarding your Therapist and I am sure that is not what you are intending.

Relax and move forward with your professional relationship. She can help you heal, equip you with tools that you are then able to eventually go out and have real friendships and attachments to people and not feel so scared about it all.

 

[ImSad]

I don't believe you have to do anything. You are doing okay. You are making progress.

I can understand why you feel nervous about being attached but it's not unhealthy.

Your Therapist can probably see that you are now trusting her and becoming attached. Remember this isn't a friendship in the normal social meaning. This is a professional relationship.

This doesn't mean you cannot trust, like, respect and even admire your therapist. I do with mine.

Your Therapist has the responsibility of managing this relationship and keeping it professional and helping you heal. It is her that has to hold those boundaries with you.

This doesn't mean you can go off beam and think and do inappropriate things regarding your Therapist and I am sure that is not what you are intending.

Relax and move forward with your professional relationship. She can help you heal, equip you with tools that you are then able to eventually go out and have real friendships and attachments to people and not feel so scared about it all.

Thanks for this reply and the reassurance, @blackemerald1.

See, the thing is, logically I know all of this. I have my degree in psych so I’ve spent quite a bit of time learning the basics of ethics and boundaries in the counseling field. I also work in residential treatment, so I myself must create boundaries with the people I work with.

I guess the issue is that I’m finding it hard to simply relax and move forward and let things unfold. It all just feels very chaotic and scary inside of my mind. I’m wondering if this is something worth bringing to my t, or if I really need to just try and chill out and let it be. I’m just worried that this fear of attachment will lead me to retreat or even drop out of therapy.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh @ImSad - well you are far more experienced and qualified than I :)

I think if you are unsure of how this will play out you could tell her that you are feeling these things and allow her to tell you how the professional relationship between you will proceed.

You could tell her that you are worried you may retreat because of the 'threat' (?) surrounding this attachment. She may be able to assist you in relaxing through this phase and keep you focused on the work.

So, once you tell her. Leave it with her to consider and see what she comes up with.

In the meantime do not worry about it though easier said than done.

You already know that your default position is to run so keep that in check.

It will become less chaotic.

Is this the first therapist that you have achieved this level of trust with?

 

[ImSad]

Oh @ImSad - well you are far more experienced and qualified than I :)

I think if you are unsure of how this will play out you could tell her that you are feeling these things and allow her to tell you how the professional relationship between you will proceed.

You could tell her that you are worried you may retreat because of the 'threat' (?) surrounding this attachment. She may be able to assist you in relaxing through this phase and keep you focused on the work.

So, once you tell her. Leave it with her to consider and see what she comes up with.

In the meantime do not worry about it though easier said than done.

You already know that your default position is to run so keep that in check.

It will become less chaotic.

Is this the first therapist that you have achieved this level of trust with?

Thank you for this advice @blackemerald1.

I think that’s probably the best thing to do — let her know so we can work through this inclination I have to run before getting hurt, even though I know she wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. But the best I can do right now I suppose would be to let her know what’s going on.

But yes, she’s the first therapist I’ve had this much trust in. The only other t I’ve seen long term (more than a few months) was about 8 years ago when I was in high school, and we didn’t dig into any trauma stuff. I don’t think I was really attached to her at all. I’ve seen a couple therapists here and there over the years, but always just for a few sessions before abandoning it. So this is the first t I’ve dealt with any of my trauma with and the first I’ve been able to feel a sense of safety and trust with.

 

[blackemerald1]

yes, she’s the first therapist I’ve had this much trust in.

^^Then completely understandable for you. You are navigating through new phases of a professional relationship so I think what you are feeling is normal.

It will get better. Stick with it and good luck.