An angry woman....

[Deleted member 44579]

I don't think it's a gender thing. No one wants to be around an angry person.

I get angry, but I try very hard not to burden anyone else with it. It's very difficult sometimes and I don't always do a good job. But it's very important to control those kinds of emotions in public or around loved ones.

Indeed

Yes. Absolutely it is. I have worked hard to get here.

Pretty sure that it is my lack of having been able to express my anger that threw me into my conversion disorder. Conversion disorder would send me into catatonia.

Which would explain why I am not going catatonic these past few days while I am dealing with something that would generally drop me for days.

Anger. Must feel anger.

Yikes!

I think that expressing this emotion is going to be very positive for you. I mean let's face it. No of us ever asked to be abused. To be raped. Gang raped. Incest. Beaten... The list is endless. We all are survivors. NOT VICTIMS...

 

[EveHarrington]

Indeed


I think that expressing this emotion is going to be very positive for you. I mean let's face it. No of us ever asked to be abused. To be raped. Gang raped. Incest. Beaten... The list is endless. We all are survivors. NOT VICTIMS...

A victim just means you were victimized, nothing less, nothing more. Instead of running from the word "victim" in a misguided way to not feel shame, maybe you should tackle the shame directly. Just a thought.

 

[Justmehere]

Anger is a feeling.

Rage is an action.

Feeling whatever feelings one has is totally ok. It’s what you do with that feeling that matters.

Anger is often a sign that a value or boundary has been crossed and/or someone feels under threat. While rage sure can feel good with all the endorphins released, unless one is under immediately life and death attack, rage rarely makes one safer in the world or solves any problems. Studies have also shown that catharisis (expressing anger by yelling and etc just to express it) usually worsens the experience of anger over time and people tend to become more aggressive, not less. Dead Link Removed

Controlled anger managed and expressed in healthy ways can fuel personal and societal change in very positive ways. How being pissed off can (sometimes) be good for you

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Anger is a feeling.

Rage is an action.

Feeling whatever feelings one has is totally ok. It’s what you do with that feeling that matters.

Anger is often a sign that a value or boundary has been crossed and/or someone feels under threat. While rage sure can feel good with all the endorphins released, unless one is under immediately life and death attack, rage rarely makes one safer in the world or solves any problems. Studies have also shown that catharisis (expressing anger by yelling and etc just to express it) usually worsens the experience of anger over time and people tend to become more aggressive, not less. Dead Link Removed

Controlled anger managed and expressed in healthy ways can fuel personal and societal change in very positive ways. How being pissed off can (sometimes) be good for you

Apparently anger is, there's something else behind it..... I can't remember the quote.... But it was good5

A victim just means you were victimized, nothing less, nothing more. Instead of running from the word "victim" in a misguided way to not feel shame, maybe you should tackle the shame directly. Just a thought.

I disagree.. Totally.. Sometimes I think you enjoy putting me down. Past commitments and why eve. What's your problem

You have done this before. I don't understand your supportive role?!?

 

[Friday]

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[Abstract]

Personally, although I think we all have a very real right to be ragingly angry I agree with @somerandomguy about how that is expressed. Just because some whatever poured their rage onto us doesn't mean we should then pour it in turn over someone else, in whatever form that may be. As @Justmehere said, feelings and the expression of them are two totally different things. Ignoring, suppressing attempting to suppress it in all sorts of ways? Not at all helpful or healthy. As @Friday said, actions appropriate to situation. Our feelings? Something separate and for us to work on especially if down to being triggered.

Not saying you are doing this Xena as I don't know you but I also think people being determined to be seen as angry or fighters to try to get away from their sense of being vulnerable isnt a helpful thing either. Being aggressive or encouraging anger doesn't change what has happened and none of it was our fault any way. Just like not acknowledging anger isn't healthy I also think not getting further than angry isnt either. We all have our own personal most important roads we need to travel depending on where we start from.

Really really interesting what you said @shimmerz I relate a lot. I have worked very hard to be able to engage with anger. It took years of work. I too have wondered if my conversion symptoms could be related. I know it affected other negative and somatizing conditions. The ironic realisation I came to eventually though was that I had all along expressed one version of utter pathological rage without realising it at all or labelling it as that. It was the extreme emotional, verbal abuse as well as physical (and more abuse) I inflicted on myself. The only direct valve on the pressure cooker. If I was a parent of me and was found out I would be locked away for a very long time. I could only lessen this truly when I started dealing with that and having a healthy outlet. Determined to try to keep that healthy and not again bounce it in various directions. Who knows how that will go.

Just my take.

 

[shimmerz]

all along expressed one version of utter pathological rage without realising it at all or labelling it as that. It was the extreme emotional, verbal abuse as well as physical (and more abuse) I inflicted on myself.

Yes, thanks for pointing that out Abstract. It is true. I spoke to myself like I have never spoken to anyone in my life ever. It was shameful what I used to say to myself. The expectations? Never would I have put those onto anyone else.

Probably why so many people have a difficult time with the inner critic and self care. If the rage leaves internally --- where does it go? Only other place is externally. And that, insofar as my upbringing went, was absolutely a life destroyer (mine).

This stuff is intertwined. It is no wonder it is so damned difficult to tease it all out, inspect it, reassess it, and put it back into place with some sort of sustainable framework.

Makes me tired even thinking about it.

 

[Freida]

@shimmerz that was brilliant.

I struggle with feeling and displaying anger but don't really understand why. This thread has been really interesting and hopefully educational if I can get out of my own way!.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I guess also its what events happened around the trauma. Like told not to say anything... Probably wouldn't express yourself.. I think. For me always knew that is wrong. Those bastards hurt me.. Very badly..
But I also had alot of anger due to the way I was brought up. Violence was common in my childhood home... Beatings.

 

[Freida]

I can't imagine how hard it would be to learn to control anger if you were raised in a place that violence was common - and then trauma on top of it? wow.... That would be so very tough.....

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I can't imagine how hard it would be to learn to control anger if you were raised in a place that violence was common - and then trauma on top of it? wow.... That would be so very tough.....

It took along time... Long....... Time.. It's was in my 30s when I did my own therapy.. Mum has borderline personality disorder and dad is an acholic.. Was.. He has stopped drinking. I guess it made sense.. After realising my mother's mental health. Don't get me wrong, it was wrong how she treated me and my bro. She still is not easy to get along with.. But now I tell her calmly don't speak to me like that and then I walk away if she goes mental.

 

[joeylittle]

When we are kids, forming our concept of what the world is, how it works, what OUR world is, how it works...it's not surprising that we absorb what we are living with. We mirror what we know.

So, yeah, in a house like this:

But I also had alot of anger due to the way I was brought up. Violence was common in my childhood home... Beatings.

Mum has borderline personality disorder and dad is an acholic.

It sounds like a really hard, erratic, violent place. It makes sense that anger and outburst were languages you learned early on. It's not like I believe we are doomed to become our parents. Just that it's a fact, whatever dynamic we're in, when we are learning how to relate to others - it's going to create an imprint.

I grew up in a quiet, 'don't rock the boat' kind of environment. I learned how to stay distant and quiet. Anger was something I was barely exposed to, and it almost never came at me directly, I'd just observe it in others. Small wonder, I still don't really understand how to get angry in front of other people.

I guess also its what events happened around the trauma. Like told not to say anything... Probably wouldn't express yourself.. I think. For me always knew that is wrong. Those bastards hurt me.. Very badly..

It's interesting - that's a common experience, being threatened into silence or scared into silence, or feeling shame and silencing oneself. It never seemed like an option to me, to talk. And actually, I don't think I had any way to really grasp that I was wronged. On some level I think I got it - but my awareness had much, much more to do with taking responsibility for what had been done to me. I think I couldn't handle how it was wrong. It was easier to follow the patterns I understood, and take responsibility for taking care of myself, by myself. Just, dealing with the aftermath, and not looking backwards at how I had come to be in the state I was in.

We all are survivors. NOT VICTIMS...

And that's why, for me - just talking about me, here - I'm the opposite. I understand that I survived. What I don't grasp is that I was a victim. And I was, very much so.

I need to claim myself as victim, much more than myself as survivor. To be honest - the way I dealt with what happened to me, I'm not entirely sure I survived. I lived - I can say that. But I'm trying now, to deal with really surviving. Because when it happened, I did not deal with it, at all.

Just thinking out loud. Interesting stuff.