Too much laughter in sessions, how to navigate consulting with another therapist?

[MyWillow]

Yeah alcohol and communication don’t go so well together BUT all of what you wrote is true. So don’t worry too much because I think it needed to be said. It’s on HER how she deals with this. Remember that :)

 

[Abstract]

All of these things are true for me.

I actually don't think you made this worse. Its perfectly OK that happened. Maybe getting a bit messy might get her to see this differently. You don't have to always be in control and looking "OK". Says me! ? Regardless of how she reacts its OK that you don't always have it together.

I ended up in a mess after the particularly invalidating laughing one (I too had more than one by the way). I took too much of it onto myself after and ended up not being able to speak in therapy. Came to the decision that the things that most helped me function in life and keep going (ish) were the things most blocking me getting the help I need. Have spent years since then trying to look at ways of dealing with this for me. It shouldn't be up to us.

Someone skilled should be able to take charge of the situation and let you have your moments but PUSH YOU to come out from behind the coping veneer. She isn't doing that for you.

I therapise myself so when that language comes out in such a third person dissociated way they just join me in that mode. One of my all time favourites was when I realised the same T didn't believe I actually felt or was struggling as much as I was describing (I wasn't prone to using emotive language even though it would have been very relevant - was rather drastically minimising it ) or felt the way I did. Her answer: I would have felt it or been able to tell if you were. Lady, I was standing outside my body in therapy, body totally numbed out while I related my experiences and feelings to you in therapised or entertainer mode. Feel what I am feeling?

I read some research for therapists where they had investigated how the therapists reacted to different types of clients. How affirming they were in response to different types of behaviour. The clients that fell apart cried and we very emotional illisited a warmer more nurturing and empathic response. Sure that doesn't help you to know.

It sounds like, like me, you are telling her what is happening and what needs to be happening but she is reacting rather than using her cognitive self to engage her empathically and to respond in the way that she should be and needs to be responding.

Lets hope you can still get through to her. A little question? When you look for t's do you pick out the practical no nonsense types?

 

[scout86]

Is it possible that she really doesn't get that this is a problem? I know, that seems mindblowingly dense, but if that's not the problem, then all I can come up with is she's a jerk. You've articulated things really well here. Others have come up with some good insights. (I'm especially struck by what @Abstract said about therapists reacting differently to clients with different behaviors.) How about sharing this entire thread with her?

I've had some personal experience with being good enough at acting like things were ok that people, including my T, didn't get that things weren't ok. In his case, once he realized that was possible, he seems to take it into account. I'm sure once in awhile he forgets, but the thought is there, in his head, and he remembers it sooner or later. And he hasn't given me the idea that he actually believes people who LOOK ok ARE ok. Rather, the first time it came up, I got the feeling he was a bit frustrated with himself for not figuring it out on his own. All prey animals are wired to act as ok as they possibly can. The predators are more likely to go after those who appear weak and vulnerable. It's a little hard to just turn that on and off on the assumption that someone might not be a predator. What if you're wrong? (If I knew how to do it, or there was an easy way to do it, I'd insert the old emoji that was green & had big wide eyes here. Too complicated! Please use your imagination. :) )

 

[Justmehere]

I picked her because she was willing to take me on. She is very blunt very, no nonsense, very straight forward that therapy will suck at times.

She has been trying to be a lot more validating and that has changed a bit. But not the laughter and I just...

The closest model I can think of is like a learning disabled kid who is also very gifted. That was me as a kid. I was terrible at basic spelling and math but was in advanced courses because I could understand calculus at a younger than usual age.

Teachers would get pissed I would add 2 +4 wrong but get the advanced concepts right. My parents didn’t care, because my father was the same way and excelled as an adult.

This feels like I have a real legit struggle but because I can humorously analyze it to death and tell it as an interesting story, no one sees the pain.

And yet at the same time, in the last session, I used up half a box of tissues fighting back tears during the second half of the session. I mean, the pain isn’t totally hidden. When I dissociate she notices it sometimes before I do.

I don’t remember when the laughing happened. Not sure why it’s a blur..: it’s happ Ned so many times.

So why am I so funny to her? To other therapists? She says I look fine. This last week she said she found the vulnerable soft me very delightful and endearing. Huh? Ok.

How about the stop freaking escaping into humor me?!

I don’t get it. I’m so angry about it. In what I wrote her, I wrote that I can’t think of a single exception in the mental health care profession to this pattern and I don’t think anyone understands how bad it feels...

I wrote about what it would be like if I laughed at my friend who had been through trauma and struggling to talk about it, and what if my friend begged me to stop and I didn’t, and then when she was reluctant to share more I blamed her walls on her having complicated pathology rather than a normal human response to being chuckled about when trying to share about deep pain.... what would that be like? I’d be a jerk to do that. But it’s standard for how therapists respond to me.

 

[Abstract]

I wonder if it might be worthwhile having that particularly as a topic in therapy. Why is it standard that that is how therapists respond to you. Do you think that would be possible? You could say you cannot do any more therapy or work on anything until this is resolved.

I am so sorry. I relate to so much of what you wrote. Can't express how it fried my brain. Even looked a lot at projective identification.

 

[Justmehere]

Everything is coming undone today. I lost some irrrplaceable items and expensive items yesterday, and my wallet, while numbed out over all this. This happened before I then just got drunk. I missed severeal meetings trying to track it down file police reports and etc. I was trying to escape facing the pain of what I lost. Is very trauma related what I lost. I am really coming undone this morning. I went to the ER and they chuckled and sent me home no psych eval.

I texted her to ask for help. I’m guessing I’ll get in trouble for this now. I don’t know why. I texted crisis text and they... I don’t know why they didn’t send a welfare check. I won’t give details but I was specific with them.

I think the bigger issue is how much I need someone to take me seriously. I’m even now calling my mother and asking if she can just fly out. Why? She is of no support.
I am in so much pain.

 

[Abstract]

I am so sorry. I can hear your pain and overwhelm. I used to hallucinate being transparent not real as a result of this type of thing. Felt like not being able to impact the world around. Is there a trauma hook with this stuff? Not being heard or seen? I know there is for me.

Do you have anyone in your life more able to hear you? Your pdoc? Can you ask for the welfare check? Sorry about the items.

 

[Justmehere]

Crisis text did call for a welfare check afterall. I was in the porch and my service dog barked as three officers and someone else walked up. She rarely barks. I took her inside. They left by the time I went back to the door. Which was about 60 seconds later.

So that’s weird. And par for the course. I’m a ghost. Apparently.

Yeah. There is a big trauma hook. Several.

As a kid, I was told I didn’t exist. I would cry and get no response. I tried to get help for abuse and I was told to please the abuser. And on and on...

 

[grit]

I do know how long you have been with this therapist but it seems something has gone terribly wrong and I sensed a lot of disconnection.

I do not even know what exactly you like about her. As someone else mentioned it almost seems like a re-enactment(projective identification) and therapist is gratifying herself at your expense. you projected your discomfort (as humor) and she is acting as you projected but she should not take your hook. She should hold that for you not act on it. Seems a lot of miscommunicaiton and you have the right to feel so invalidated here. I am really sorry you have this experience.

I also heard few times you are saying she is blunt or too direct hmmm not sure if that is good if you are at a stage where you are crying and dissociating or flooding.

 

[Abstract]

Sometimes coincidence gets us. It may just be bad timing that they thought you werent there. But sometimes in my experiemce awfulness brings change. Maybe this is your point of change.

Totally get the not existing stuff. Used to see my molecules disconnect. A dissociated/hallucinated state. I could not hear my voice. I was transparent. Literally a ghost.

In truth though you aren't. You are a real human being with real experiences and real pain and are just figuring some stuff out. That is never impossible. Even when it painful ot hard. It is especially not impossible if you are able to think things through and plan how to make changes.

One thing I tell my self when in despair and which I believe is that there is always different choices when it feels like there arent. Can you do self care for now?

 

[ladee]

Just want to share my thoughts with you, if not relevant, disregard.

My first T told me from the start, that I could not use humor to distract. She 'got' that about me from the beginning. Not saying we didn't have times that we laughed. But it was mutual.

To this day, if I am laughed at, while trying to express pain, I go off the rails. So I do commend you for staying with her as long as you have.

I might apologize for sending a text while drinking, but not apologize for what you said. You are expressing to her, in all sorts of ways, that this is a major issue for you. Either she gets on board for what YOU need or it's time to find another T.

I had different T's for different things thru the years. There were no Trauma Therapists back then, or if there was, I wouldn't have been able to afford to go.

You have stated your needs. The simple fact you have walked out crying and there has been no change on her part about this, is very telling. About HER, not you.

I'm sorry you lost some very important things that mean something to you. That, on top of it sending you spiraling, you might want to ask yourself why are you trying to show this woman how to be the therapist you need? If she hasn't stopped, after your text to her, then please get on with your search for someone who will HEAR you. That respects your pain, respects how hard you are working to heal, that has empathy and able to support you.

I had one great T that helped me thru some things that was going to end up taking my life, and he was good. But when I talked about not having recovered memories of sexual abuse, he made the mistake of saying, 'well, IF this happened'... and I walked out.

We have to be our own advocate in our healing work. Use her for the things you feel she is good at, and find another T to work on other things. Nothing is written in stone we have to have one T for everything.

I'm sorry this T has not gotten on board with what you need. You are very clear about what you need. There is someone out there to hear you. You are not a ghost, nor should you be treated as one. Hope you find someone worthy of your time and tears.

 

[Justmehere]

I am beginning to accept the losses from yesterday. A little. Ok, not really. My dog is trying to cuddle with me wherever we go. Sweetest thing when a 60 lb dog can’t stop leaning into you.

She’s not cold, and we have done great work. Finding someone new to put up with my nonsense is already turning out to be terrible. I expect laughter.

I got an email this week about being in a study for PTSD that I really want to do and then I thought about what that would be like to do the screening appointment, and I expected laughter at my trauma history.

That’s when this all shifted for me. I shouldn’t be expecting that.

I guess I keep sticking it out because I haven’t found someone that doesn’t laugh too much and too long, and doesn’t enable my running away through humor. And that can handle the traumahistory that I have.

I asked a friend who is very humorous if he ever struggles switching from the humorous to the serious. He said no, not off the top of his head...

How come I am not doing it well? I don’t know. How do people make the shift?