The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Chris-duck]

You don't need to apologise for not being around here much, I think we all get it. You have a bunch of stuff on in your real life that takes priority. I'm glad things with your son seem to be going well. Just take care of you :) don't worry about us, you're here for however this place can help, you're not here to support us.

 

[Freida]

I an so happy you are reconnecting with your kids! each time you post another story it makes me smile

I'm not giving out much energy on here.

No worries about that at all -- take care of you and yours. We will be here when you are ready to come back!

Shit, I'm lucky to have you in my life even from a distance.

this ^^^^^

I don't understand a person who would hurt their own children to hurt the mother of their children.

I don't have kiddos, but I love my neices and nephews with all my heart. I cant imagine ever hurting them. So I never could wrap my mind around the things I heard working at 911 about how parents used their children as pawns in their games. Every friday and sunday night the child custody battle calls would start - with sometimes devastating consequences.

Many of the parents didn't care about the kids - they cared about winning. One of the worst calls I ever took was listing to a mom and dad who each had an arm of an 18th month old little boy and were pulling him towards them while arguing about whose weekend it was. They were so furious with each other over who was going to "win" that they ended up dislocating both of the baby shoulders. Lemme say -- That's a sound you never want to hear a baby make.. We also had several cases of people killing their kids to prove their point. It ALWAYS came down to who was "right."

So when you talk about leaving because it was the best thing for your kids? What I hear is that you were doing it because you loved them. Even though you had to leave them behind with someone who was less than stable. You let him think he "won" and probably saved your kids from a much, much worse outcome. Because reading your story? I have no doubt he would have hurt or even killed one of them to make his point. He wanted to win. You let him. And saved your kids in the process.

 

[mumstheword]

Hi people :-) Still bleegh in the energy department. Sooooo drained, with head of muddy, soggy, fluffy goop that feels tight and compressed and inarticulate. So, I'm not able to contruct much, in the way of verbal, literate support. My guy keeps asking me what's wrong and calling me grumpy (but in a kind, light way).

I'm reading Power; Surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse, by, Shahida Arabi. It's hitting home, hard, good though, vindicating, resonating, in-the-know, only one thing that is a little frustrating, is that there is no mention, that I've read so far, anyway, of the having children with your narcissistic abuser, so no support for that particular complication.
The abuse goes on, vicariously, through the people that we are intimately connected with, that it is my responsibility to protect from those who would seek to destroy them and their chances of advancement, but who I can't.

 

[mumstheword]

Anyway, that's my conundrum and challenge. Things aren't too bad, other than I'm the opposite of supermum, now, I'm not too well mum, retiring aged-before-her-time mum (lucky, I don't look it) , and he keeps picking new victims. I'm pretty sure, my oldest son is the main target at the moment. He's the most vulnerable, with the least back up, he's pretty unwell, with Crohn's disease, and has had waaay too many traumas and unhealthy relationships that have ground him down, by now. I need to touch base with him. Feeling him suffering and it's wearing on me, that I've not followed up on catching up with him. I know he's a little better, since I saw him last, it did him good talking to me, but I think he's still in too deep. His dad has his talons in him and I'm feeling like I need to help him out of that entrapment.

 

[Juso]

Dear mums, sorry I've been absent, there's just too much going on in my life ATM, but it felt good to finally catch up here!!! I missed reading your diary.

It's like I've always been the little match girl

Oh my god, the story of the little match girl broke. my. heart when I was little. Actually, my mum and I used to read the story together and we both always ended up crying frantically. I guess we both could understand her immense loneliness and sadness so well.

One of the biggest triggers and body-of-traumas for me, is just being left.

Yes - being left alone like the little match girl ... I can relate to this so well. This abandonment grief sits so deeply in our souls, its memory will probably always haunt us. But at least we know now that we are not alone. The world didn't abandon us. There are warm people, and warm places, and you are loved and cared for too.

My guy won't leave me. Not again. He loves me. He tells me he loves me and he tells me he adores me, all the time.

I am very glad that you met this person. You so deserve to feel this sense of belonging and love.

How can I ever get past this? How can I live with my failure as a mum?

You are not even close to a failure as a mum. First of all, you fought for your children and you have always been there for them when they came to you. Second of all - you would have never been of great help if you would have stayed. You would have never ended up being as stable as you are now which in turn enables you to care for your children now. There is and probably will never be a perfect way of raising children, I at least don't know any families that aren't kind of f*cked up in a way. This is because we all are human beings with our own stories, and we are not perfect working childraising machines. Mistakes and tragedies and all that will always happen. But look at you now. Look at the growth. Look at what you are making out of this situation.
Also - I am pretty sure your qualities as a mother have helped countless of people here too. You are not only a mother to your children, but also kind of a mother to so many other souls, even if it is just for the two seconds they read your comment. You have made a huge impact on my ability to feel compassion for myself, something that my mother can and could not do for me. That was new to me. I still remember how moved I was when I read your first comment in my diary. I actually cried because I felt this immense relief.
I hope this doesn't seem creepy in a way haha, I just wanted to explain to you why you are not and will never be a failure as a mum.

I'm in danger of just becoming a recluse

I know, I have the same problem. I guess this also stems from being left alone a lot. We were taught how to be by ourselves early on, and we internalized this feeling of not wanting to be a burden to people, of not wanting to impose ourselves on anybody.

I'm not giving out much energy on here. I'm aware that I'm not too social, or supportive, here, on the site.

Oh mums, please, you are not obligated to do anything here, you are here to heal, and you can take as much time as you need for that. I am just happy that you are sharing your inner world with us.
Sending much love to you?

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you to the lovely people who are supporting me here, @Freida, @NatBird @AngelkeeperJ , @somerandomguy , @Swift and @ladee and @Juso, and any who read along and share my journey, here.

I think I have a part, who is endlessly tired and beaten down and all she wants to do is hide away in shame and exhaustion. She is so soul weary, and apathetic. My poor beaten-down part, she doesn't have a name, but she has been running the show a lot, lately. This part loves going to the hospital, where she can rest and get looked after and feel safe. She has a million tears, an ocean of unshed tears inside her. She cares too much, but feels too defeated, to act. She pulls me down, she is so frightened and has plenty of stories of why we should just stay home, stay safe, stay in bed, stay overweight, stay unemployed, stay immobile and unable to drive, stay inside, stay quiet, hide, hide, hide. I want to look after her, but kindness makes her cry. She doesn't like attention of any sort, she doesn't want to be seen, she doesn't want to form attachments, she resents knocks on the door, having to go out in the world, people ringing me up on the phone, she wants to sleep, be alone, be very quiet, have peace and quiet and solitude and no demands put on her.

I need to make some kind of deal with her. Negotiate.
What can I do to come to some arrangement?
Give her days at home, with no one else here. She craves quiet, can't get enough of solitude. Maybe then, when I've given her what she asks for, maybe then she'll talk and stop holding me back.

 

[mumstheword]

Crushed and wondering why?
Tired without a reason.
Sad and angry, with no avenue.
I know now I want attention and I didn't get it when I wanted to.
I wanted care and you weren't there.
I wanted kindness and it didn't happen.
I wanted comfort and nope, not for me.
I wanted wisdom and guidance and love and not violence and neglect and cruelty and being used as if I am a thing and not a being.
So now I'm sad and sulking and sooking and just pooh.
When will I get over myself?
I think this child part is also the young mum, who, got maltreatment for so long and still craves for her suffering to be acknowledged by the people who did this. Silly really.

 

[mumstheword]

I want to be rid of this grief and having to be brave and pretend I'm not still so hurt and angry. I think if I'd been met, by my abusers, with any sorry, or remorse, I could let go, much easier.
I'm so angry that they've gotten away with this!
It makes me feel, or, at any rate, I feel, like they want me to feel soooooo lowly, like a beaten creature, a thing-of-no-consequence, a lowly worm-ridden piece of actual shit. There is a slow burning anger inside me, that says "I'm not that!" You evil human! For doing that to me! You cruel narcissistic damaged f*ck! f*cking sort your shit out! You can't treat people like that! (except they already did). I've had the metaphorical shit kicked out of me by covert malignant narcissists (and my share (not a fair share, mind you) of actual physical violence perpetuated upon me. Nothing like some of the physical torture that many here have been subject too, but even things like being forced to give birth in the bush, not accessable bush, with medical facilities close by, no, deep in the bush, in dirty shacks, up inaccessable-to-vehicle tracks, or in a freezing bush bathroom, no heat, in luke warm water, in winter, cold enough that it snowed there the next day, after I'd been labouring and having to work, non stop, for three days. No medical or any support just stupid people watching me, like I'm a baboon, in a zoo.

Luckily I got to go to the hospital after, for that one, I am rhesus negative and I got to have a shot, that time, but not the next five times.

 

[mumstheword]

So I'm noticing the shame that's coming up for not being there for you, all, supporting you in your journals. It's like a form of exposure therapy itself. Such a deep sense of shame.

Here I go, being a horrible person again, my inner critic says. The shame monster.

My mother would say to me alot "You should be ashamed of yourself" for I don't even know what? Not being happy with the way she treated me, I think.

I need to get back to writing my childhood "hard stuff" out, I don't even want to call them traumas.

When I was six or seven I got measles. My mum had yet another boyfriend and we lived at his house. He built me a bunk. I liked him, he was one of the nice ones. I got really sick with the measles and as usual my mum wasn't comforting.

I had a very high fever and I had thrashed around so much, the night before, that I fell out of my quite high top bunk bed.

This time I got very frightened, because I watched snakes and spiders chase each other on the wall, next to my bed, they chased each other round and round. I was very scared but knew better than to call out for my mum.

Next thing I knew, a pink clad opaque old lady floated down through the ceiling and sat on the end of my bed. It looked like she was wearing a pink nighty, she said "It's alright" and then floated up, through the ceiling again. I remember thinking "Was that my mum's grandma? Who died when I was two? Or my guardian angel? Or maybe they are one and the same". As soon as she said "It's alright"' I stopped being scared.

It was around this time that my mum had her first miscarriage. She had gone bushwalking and lost the baby in the first trimester. I visited her in the hospital. I had learnt to whistle. I remember nothing else about that time.

 

[somerandomguy]

What a great experience. I wonder if the lady in the pink nightie can reassure you that it's all OK right now? Because I know I don't want you to feel ashamed for not responding to me or to any of us.
:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

What a great experience. I wonder if the lady in the pink nightie can reassure you that it's all OK right now? Because I know I don't want you to feel ashamed for not responding to me or to any of us.
:hug:

You are a lovely friend @somerandomguy :-).

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((?Sweet Mums?)))
You are doing such GOOD work! VERY HARD and for SO VERY LONG now! Please let yourself off the hook about coming here? (I,too, feel like I am not here and supportive "enough") NO ONE would want ANY of us to feel guilty about not being "here" on the Forum

?The truth is that sometimes we need to get away from EVERYONE, including our friends here. ?You must do what is best for you!?

From my point of view, there isn't a need for you to respond to my words, even though I know you WANT to write to everyone. I feel honored to be a part of your "support team" here on the Forum.

BTW... We are the same height and weight!We are probably proportioned differently but I think it's interesting. I would NEVER judge YOU for being kind of short and a few pounds overweight but I sure am hard on ME. You, too, I suspect?

You are brimming with SO MANY possibilities, even if you can't see them right now... And you are TALENTED in ways that you have only begun to tap into! ?

There's a saying... I think this is it, but please forgive me if it's incorrectly stated.
"Come grow old with me, the BEST is yet to be."
I think this is the prediction I would make about you, your Sweetie, and your children. You have SAVED their Mother... Which was the BIGGEST GIFT of all... Aside from giving them life.

Love, hugs, and prayers!