Rough Day Thread...

[PreciousChild]

Thank you for your birthday wishes. I had a nice stream of friends yesterday visiting. It was not fun explaining his absence. I was incredibly thankful when my BFF showed up (who has met him). She’s an Army wife dealing with this demon, too. I don’t have to explain this stress to her.

I’m rethinking my and his readiness for a relationship...but I still feel I deserve some kind of explanation or at the least an apology. I’m hurt and angry today.

Tomorrow is supposed to be “divorce day” ?

Hi @Pippi427, I read through the whole thread. I'm pretty amazed by the patience and understanding supporters have for their sufferers. I might even use the word, 'saintly' and certainly 'healthy'. It seems like you've gotten a lot of sage advice from people with a lot of experience with this.

I just wanted to post my own experience with this as both a sufferer and supporter. I didn't do so great, and maybe that'll make you feel better about how you're handling the situation. The big question I had was, understanding that my ex bf has ptsd and was sometimes hijacked, how much was I entitled to get my needs met? I think it was a tricky question with two sufferers involved. It seems clear that you have your own stressors and triggers that need attention right now. The timing I think matters because it's happening now, and you deserve to be heard and supported. And I personally think people should be celebrated on their birthdays - that one day to feel special. But the fact is that your bf just can't provide that right now. What is the solution? I wasn't able to find one. For me, I thought him going to therapy would have salvaged the relationship, but he neither recognized his behaviors as related to ptsd nor was interested even a little bit in healing or going to therapy. It was an impossible situation.

It's been 3 months since my ex bf and I broke up and about a month since he's moved out. I've heard from him since - in an email, he told me that he grew his heart and mind being with me. Also, he still seems to want to keep in touch. I think that's huge because things ended ugly and bad with both of his former relationships, both of whom he rages at to this day. So I guess I wasn't that bad? But I am not interested in keeping touch with him. I think that it left a really bad taste in my mouth that his ptsd left him unable to recognize me and support me in a genuine way. I do think I went a long way to meet his needs. I already had problems with insecurities and feeling entitled to have needs; the experience did not lift me out of that. I really hope that my next relationship will be more reciprocal.

 

[Pippi427]

The social media creeping continues. My female best friend requested his friendship on social media today, and he accepted within minutes. It can only mean he's not 100% done. I can tell you I'm 100% done feeling this way.

We dated for 9 months. I deserve a breakup conversation at the very, very least. ?

 

[Pippi427]

Hi @Pippi427, I read through the whole thread. I'm pretty amazed by the patience and understanding supporters have for their sufferers. I might even use the word, 'saintly' and certainly 'healthy'. It seems like you've gotten a lot of sage advice from people with a lot of experience with this.

It sounds like you think I did things right. I feel like I did, too.

 

[Freida]

I deserve a breakup conversation at the very, very least.

uhmmm... yes. You do. But. If you demand one it may not go the way you want because the ptsd may get into the middle. If I feel like I"m backed into a corner I can be very, very cruel -- especially if I'm being called out on my behavior and I think I'm in the right.

I work really hard at not getting into that position and if I am I try to keep it under control. But. If I lose it? It's ugly. Really ugly. If someone were insisting on having a conversation about something like a break up? Ohhhh I don't even want to think about how awful I could be. You may not ever get the answers you want....but I hate that you might end up in a place where he can make it even worse

 

[Pippi427]

That sounds like a warning. ? I have not asked him for a breakup conversation. I guess I still just want him to tell me WTF happened that made him feel like he needed to shut me out.

• I cared for him many months when he was sick and alone.
• I fed him when he was hungry and jobless
• We worked on a photography project together for a book to be published in December.
• I talked him down many times after fireworks and court dealing with his ex.
• I was always honest with him and never angry or insulting.
• He braved a crowd in attending a game for me.
• Once, he nearly died and I told him how scary it was for me and how much I feared he would die and I would never find out what happened to him if his mom didn’t know to tell me

I signed up for a 10K a month ago to take place on Saturday in support of one of his disabilities. That’s a long way to run for somebody who won’t show up for me. I suppose I should just mail his shirt to him? I don’t know if I should even show up for the event.

 

[Freida]

Not a warning necessarily -- just a comment on what I struggle with when I'm in that position.

 

[Pippi427]

Not a warning necessarily -- just a comment on what I struggle with when I'm in that position.

So would you be feeling angry or ashamed after leaving someone hanging? Do you expect to have to deal with that issue when you come out of isolation?

What about when you’re in the process? What would you be planning to do? Shut the world out and only deal with the bare minimum? Work, talk to food counter employee, watch tv? Run away?

 

[PreciousChild]

So would you be feeling angry or ashamed after leaving someone hanging? Do you expect to have to deal with that issue when you come out of isolation?

What about when you’re in the process? What would you be planning to do? Shut the world out and only deal with the bare minimum? Work, talk to food counter employee, watch tv? Run away?

I don't have answers for you. Just wanted to say that I relate to your frustration. I honestly feel that ptsd can make people quite self-centered. I've heard people compare the pain of past trauma to a tooth ache. You can't pay attention to much else in the world when you're in pain. And I've been on that side too - in the past, I would yell, verbally attack, etc. my family members when triggered and felt justified because the pain I felt was urgent and threatening. Their needs paled in comparison at the time. If they had an issue, it almost felt like they were asking me to help them vacuum in the middle of a crisis. Nothing seemed important enough to register past my pain. I think that was very narcissistic. Now that I've healed to a great extent, the fog has cleared, and I can recognize the needs of others a lot more.

But it took a lot of time to heal. What can a supporter do when the sufferer is in the midst of that? I don't think you can do much. My ex bf was getting triggered, feeling all those awful feelings of abuse AND he was projecting a lot of it on me (often ptsd folks look for a "real" cause for their feelings since they can't admit it's coming from inside them). I do think he associated love with hurt and pain.

When it was over, I kept it positive and expressed zero interest in having a "talk". I don't think he was in a position to even know what his motivations and reasons were. And now, I think he's probably struggling a little bit about what happened, though I haven't talked to him about it. I think that he can learn a lot from that struggle and I learned my own lessons from the relationship.

 

[Pippi427]

I guess it doesn't matter anyway if he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm so confused, though. He hasn't blocked me through social media and has read every message I sent him. I haven't blown his messages up or anything just one message in the past week. Just asking what happened to him, validating that I can tell he's in pain, wishing him luck. I've never been sarcastic when talking about his feelings. I did send one message a few weeks ago expressing frustration that I felt deserted right before my birthday. I honestly don't know what to do with myself right now. When this happened last time, it was early on in the dating game and I moved on, then he came back.

Now I have to decide what to do with this race this weekend. I've decided to run it anyway. But I have a lot to think about for motivation. I originally signed up for him, to show him I could work hard to support his issues. The race sponsor sold some limited edition Tshirts in Army green that have these hearts that look like grenades on them. I bought one for each of us. WTF do I do with it? I think I'll mail it to him with a photo of me finishing with my time. Maybe put a letter in it.

I don't expect this to bring him back, but it would help to show him you don't just easily walk out of people's lives like that. I still have some of his stuff and his photos. Should I just mail it all back because he won't talk to me? Should I wait til he talks to me and just give it to him then?

 

[Freida]

weellll.... bout that. I have to say - this is causing m to do some major self-reflection and it ain't pretty.
I'm fairly stable right now -- or as stable as someone with full on symptomatic ptsd can be I guess. But I can look back and see places where I've done this kind of stuff. I just ...disappear. Hubby says when I'm really symptomatic I just check out. I'm like living with a zombie -- I can see him but he doesn't register.

So would you be feeling angry or ashamed after leaving someone hanging?

wellll.... it depends if I feel justified for doing it. I've cut people out of my life with little notice, but it is usually if I think they have crossed a line with me....hurt me in some way. In my mind I've given them plenty of notice and warned them. But - after reading all the supporter stories now I'm not sure if I did or if I THOUGHT I did.

Do you expect to have to deal with that issue when you come out of isolation?

Nope. Because I dont think its an issue. I needed time, I left, I came back. Again -- I didn't know the impact my behavior had until I got on this forum and started talking with supporters. Because of them I'm now way better about thinking before I bail. I still bail, but I try to remember it affects other people. Try. Not always succesful

What about when you’re in the process?

What would you be planning to do? Shut the world out and only deal with the bare minimum? Work, talk to food counter employee, watch tv? Run away?

Yep - all of the above. If i;s really bad the person involved just kind of ceases to exist in my brain so it's just me doing what I need to....all surface stuff. No deep thinking

My ex bf was getting triggered, feeling all those awful feelings of abuse AND he was projecting a lot of it on me (often ptsd folks look for a "real" cause for their feelings since they can't admit it's coming from inside them).

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that yep -- been there. The hardest part to explain is that my brain feels like it is eating itsefl. I'm just bombarded with scenes and feelings from the worst horror movie you can imagine. and they physically hurt. So I have to figure out what is causing it -- and it's easier to blame those around me than it is to blame my own brain turning on me

I'm NOT making excuses for him. His behavoir is hurtful and horrible and you don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm just offering that it might not be about you -- he many not have any idea of why he is doing it. That's the fun filled life with ptsd.

 

[Pippi427]

weellll.... bout that. I have to say - this is causing m to do some major self-reflection and it ain't pretty.
< snip ...>

Thank you for sharing your detailed thoughts on this. I really do appreciate it. I survived childhood trauma that caused me to have anger management issues in my early 20's. I can completely see the way your pain can color everything else, and nobody has those color glasses but you.

The only rational combination of known events I can think of that caused him to do this is his ex wife threatening things with his kids, plus being reintroduced to trauma at work, missing a job promotion then me telling him I miss him and want to see him when he really couldn't get off for my birthday and he didn't want to have that disappointing conversation. At least that's the story I tell myself today. I still don't know if he actually showed up for his divorce finalization. I have been very, very careful not to express my needs with anger or a guilt trip. I just state them.

Thank you for validating how hurtful and horrible this feels. I know it's not about me. I was just the poor sot on the road that got hit by the pileup his brain caused...on the road because I love him.

 

[PreciousChild]

Should I just mail it all back because he won't talk to me? Should I wait til he talks to me and just give it to him then?

I think you should wait for him to make the next move. If he really wanted his things, I think he'd tell you. He probably needs to finish out whatever process he's going through, and it might be disruptive to have his things sent back without first having come to terms with things ending. It's ironic, but he probably needs the same things from you that you need from him, but can't reciprocate in the way you need him to.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that yep -- been there. The hardest part to explain is that my brain feels like it is eating itsefl. I'm just bombarded with scenes and feelings from the worst horror movie you can imagine. and they physically hurt. So I have to figure out what is causing it -- and it's easier to blame those around me than it is to blame my own brain turning on me

I've blamed too. Personally, I think part of projecting the problems out is so that we don't have to admit that there is something "wrong" with us. We're too wounded; it would be like admitting that we were flawed and unloveable all along and that we'll always be that way. To protect ourselves, we pretend that we would be okay if only it wasn't for him or her.

I have been very, very careful not to express my needs with anger or a guilt trip. I just state them.

That seems reasonable and compassionate. What more can you do?