the moment you realize they didn't ruin your childhood, they ruined your life

[Dana1010]

Basically a rant.

Title pretty much says it all.

I mean, I think I didn't want to face it in the past. I guess hope springs eternal. I just thought I'd pull it all together, and to a degree I have. But there is so much mangled and maimed that can only be dealt with at best, but not repaired. Even the memories I have to live with -- do they ever stop hurting? Is "processing" a pipe dream? The years of early adulthood, just f*cking up left, right and center, everyday, because I didn't get to learn simple things that everyone else did. Embarrassment, shame, humiliation, regret. Those emotions just gnaw on and on. Today, not being where I would be if I had the same chances everyone else had.

I hate this feeling of helplessness, like what was done to me was done, and there's nothing I can do about it. Where was the intervention? Where was the help?

 

[Ronin]

Where was the intervention? Where was the help?

Here I am, pointing at you. :) Seriously: There was the help, and there is still the help.

You did something about it all, then, and are still doing something about it.

 

[grit]

Hi Dana1010
thank you for posting this. You are not alone. for the longest time, I could not follow a recipe but had a job how is that possible? Would get so frustrated about simple things that people do and never understood and yet I live for so long.

our parents screwed us up big time but the fact you are still here impacting us even by the simple posting of this is helping others means a lot.

Also I want to mention, you put the words "hope springs" in your post and all the ads on this page have hope springs - movies and books...I thought that was apt.

Please go easy on you. That voice is from your parents instilled in you. I hope you find yours.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Thanks for putting this into words, @Dana1010

:hug:

 

[Still Standing]

Even the memories I have to live with -- do they ever stop hurting?

Yes, it is possible to have the sting and hurt of the memories decrease or go away. The memories will always be there but they don't have to keep a hold over you. There is always hope for a better tomorrow.

I would have told you that this was bunk just a few months earlier but, since participating in EMDR therapy, I have discovered that I have been able to "go back" into my trauma events and face them and reprocess them. The affects of those old horrible emotions are dulled, and in my case, gone now. No matter how hard I try, I cannot reproduce the original angst of them. It is hard work, reprocessing the trauma, but in the end, well worth it. Results vary person to person. Some are able to process all the way to the point of having no residual sting from memories, past, and some are well-reduced to a very livable level that no longer interfere, emotionally, with current life. So there is a hope for the hurting to stop or be reduced.

I hope you are able to find a therapy that works for you. I totally understand your rant. We all have them. Sometimes it just has to explode out of us to release some emotional pressure that builds up. I have plenty of my own geysers blow...many, many of them being, here, on this site. At least it is expressed among people who understand and relate. That is helpful, in itself. I hope today is a better day for you and you are able to enjoy the current blessings it brings. Life is not without hope.

 

[shimmerz]

But there is so much mangled and maimed that can only be dealt with at best, but not repaired.

Personally, I am just thankful that I am not one of the walking zombies out there, like I used to be, that hasn't got a freaking clue how disconnected I was from every other human being on the face of this planet. You know, the ones that aren't my parents that continue to attempt to humiliate and scorn me for being human.

Resentment doesn't really get me anywhere besides stuck - so although I have my PTSD - I have programmed myself to be human again. Which isn't easy in and amongst the larger population who are basically programmed to work at the cost of everything else.

So, no, not really. I am good. I feel like I have reclaimed my soul to be perfectly honest.

 

[ILoveLife]

I had to let go eventually, of this feeling, to realize they in fact didn't ruin my life. Not that I'm grateful for them or anything, but I do know that my life is good and that things can get better now.

It's not a death sentence to have this in my book.
Life can and is wonderful still (well, most of the time), but we also need to make it happen.

I do understand the grief though :hug: Wishing you much luck in overcoming the helplessness :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

My memories don't hurt anymore, but my life is still fcked up by symptoms. :-/

 

[ms spock]

I so relate to what you are talking about here. I struggle with all this a lot. I have to say about this, and @Ronin makes a very good point. You have been here awhile, and you have worked really hard on yourself.

 

[jaay]

You ever heard the phrase 'before the truth will set you free, it'll piss you off'? It's true, to an extent. Only you're at max 90% free, and it'll never stop pissing you off. It is possible, though, to get to that state of 90% freeness- stuff like flashbacks, anger, and helplessness will always be there though, and that's something that we'll all learn to accept, or acknowledge, in time. I'm not gonna lie to you here, the rest of your life is gonna be pretty difficult now- ruined, but not completely. It sounds cliched, but you can salvage your life still, some light can shine through the darkness of trauma. We can live our lives still, but very few of us can make it, or want to make it, on our own, so good on ya for doing stuff like osting on here, seeking some help. You're always gonna feel pretty helpless, and that's okay. But you ca't change your past, events that were out of your cpontrol, so try not to spend too long punching walls over that. You won't always feel completely helpless, or zombiefied, or any of that. Your serotonin will find its' way home in time.