Hypervigilance and the desire to do something to 'prepare'

[SeekingAfrica]

I am freaking out a little. Something set off that hypersensitive hyperaware PTSD feeling in me. I am very self-aware about triggers usually, but this time I can't really say what set it off. I just know I finished my physiotherapy as I have every day for 10 days, and on my way back it started happening, having trouble breathing, panicing. By the time I was home I hyperventilated so much I dissociated for several hours. I'm only now starting to feel present, but still just as panicked.

There is this sense, feeling, going through me in waves, that I need to be ready. I've had PTSD for a long time, and then also, this last year was filled with crises of different sort. Life things. However, a lot of them, too many to handle and at some point anything unexpected happening almost immediately meant something I couldn't handle for a while and lived in fear of the consequences for weeks(like fearing being evicted while I was searching for new work and running out of money). These are all regular life things, but when it came to them I was already hypersensitive. I did well for a while, few months, almost a year, and then the effects started to hit me harder.

Now my life is slowly starting to get on track and I'm slowly getting help but I think my brain hasn't gotten the memo. I'm freaking out and my brain keeps thinking of all the things that could go wrong. How to make sure that I'll have food if I run out of money(like stocking my pantry in case my work doesn't work out and there is a lull between incomes). Or the need to refill my first aid kit for different scenarios because of all health issues. Or the need to break down everything happening in the holidays season in December-January(from administrative things like renewing documents on time to preparing for parties and gifts) and break it all down into mini-pieces and issues and then even smaller one and prepare for each individually. And to prepare with grounding things for days like this and to prepare.... You see where this is going. If I hadn't paid all my bills, I don't think I would have the restraint not to use part of that money for disaster preparation, that's how strong that desire is. In fact, this has happened before, making irrational purchases(thankfully not too big, but still bigger than I wish) when in this state and feeling like they'll help me be ready. There is nothing wrong with being ready, but we can't always have the money to spend fast and unplanned, as I do not right now for example. So my brain keeps freaking out feeling I need to be planning and preparing and reeling in that panic and I can't get rid of that danger around the corner feeling...

 

[Nessa7]

Is there anything that you could do that would relieve some of your anxiety without causing too much damage? I also go through phases like that. Some of the things I do are cleaning out my closet, cooking something that I could eat for the next several days, or cleaning the oven or refrigerator.

 

[PreciousChild]

I can relate to what you're going through. I get triggered and hypervigilant and it feels like something catastrophic is imminent. I don't really prepare for survival like you do though when I get that way. My dad's punishments were arbitrary, so I just freeze and wait for the worst.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Is there anything that you could do that would relieve some of your anxiety without causing too much damage? I also go through phases like that. Some of the things I do are cleaning out my closet, cooking something that I could eat for the next several days, or cleaning the oven or refrigerator.

There has been a lot of financial uncertainty in my life in the last year. I am now working to fix it, but there have been a lot of sleepless nights and plans and crying over paying rent and weeks on minimal food... So I think this is why things like simply cleaning or reordering don't produce the same effect anymore. Everything in my body/mind needs stability and the slightest sign of trouble makes me overreact. Hence the practical need for having full pantry and first aid kit and all that.

So I've been taking my time and trying to fill those things over time so it doesn't affect my budget too much, but I build more stability. However when my brain gets hyper it has the need for changes to happen instantly. Haven't really found a way to soothe this need yet. I am trying to make better planning system for myself, slowly take care of issues and tasks that have been bothering me forever and so on. Some days I do well and make changes and some days I'm so hyper it feels like no change is enough and everything just hurts. I really haven't found a way around that.

I can relate to what you're going through. I get triggered and hypervigilant and it feels like something catastrophic is imminent. I don't really prepare for survival like you do though when I get that way. My dad's punishments were arbitrary, so I just freeze and wait for the worst.

Yup. And nothing in this year has made that fear less since a lot of hard and unexpected things did happen. I have times when I freeze too, that's the worst. Because if I panic and I have a meeting or something important maybe I can calm down. But when I freeze I start to dissociate for hours and my schedule goes out the window sometimes. Sometimes I push through if I have something really important, but going through the city and buses and doing important things when you're walking slower and half-present is kind of hell for me.

I don't always freeze, but if I need to make changes and for some reason I can't at that moment I also freeze. Not good.

 

[Teasel]

Sounds like you've had a heck of a lot of stressors for a long period of time, understandable that you are having such heightened responses and symptoms. I can definitely relate to this and feeling a real need to stock up on things and make plans for things so you feel prepared.

However when my brain gets hyper it has the need for changes to happen instantly. Haven't really found a way to soothe this need yet.

Am just the same when in a heightened state - it feels like a really urgent need, and I dont have the usual capacity to tolerate stress or waiting around. There's a need to get it done and done now.

Think various things have / are beginning to help though

~ CBT was great for helping me take a step back from what's going in in my mind and helping me question or at least interrupt the usual automatic ways of thinking & being. It helped me see other ways of viewing & reacting to things instead of being so consumed by them.

~ Pete Walkers website was an absolute revelation for me. Especially his page on things you can do when you're in that hyper state. Helps me such a lot.

~Meditation & practising compassion are having really good results for me too. It's like daily practiseatstepping back from what's going on in my mind.

~Working on building good self care habits into my life. This has been something I e been working on for years now, and goes up and down according to how well or badly I'm doing but that's ok.

I saved this quote from Joey little cause it seems to get through to me pretty well

joeylittle
You can also just start incorporating some of the basics of good mental hygiene. It all sounds very simple, and many (most?) people will want to wave this away with a 'yeah, yeah, yeah, but my symptoms...', but this is the stuff that just sets the brain up for improvement, and there's no shortcutting it.
Regular daily exercise. Good sleep habits. Work/school/life balance. Interpersonal connection. Socialization. If you find any of these challenging, that's OK - there are strategies for how to build these things up in your life

Anyhow please ignore if not helpful.

Some days I do well and make changes and some days I'm so hyper it feels like no change is enough and everything just hurts. I really haven't found a way around that.

Hope you begin to find what works for you, and I'm glad things are getting better in your life even if your brain's not caught up yet. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

What about, try the opposite?

Make a summary of all the ways you are ready in, already.
And no, the Not enough angle of fretting is not going to count in that, nor what ifs, nor the eventuality of approaching apocalypse and other hyped up things.

Just the things you know, have done, have well figured out, can do, understand, have alternatives for, know how to act in, etc. Just pointing out where you are the badass already.

You might see you are not NotReady. Just panicking... but not because you are not ready.