can’t get out of this low

[ImSad]

I’m stuck and I can’t find my way out. Hit a low a few weeks ago, lots of suicidal ideation. It let up for a few days and I thought the slump was temporary. But I’m back to this feeling. Woke up a couple days ago and immediately started sobbing. Today feels so dark. So empty. Spent lots of it so far sobbing. The depression where I’m low and dark but mostly numb is one thing. But i know it’s bad when I switch between empty and full on sobbing. It feels like it’s never going to end. I don’t want to keep going through this.

 

[piratelady]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate as I'm coming out of my own depression. For me, I felt better when I found some tangible to work on that I thought would make a long-term difference in my life, essentially I created a task to work on that gave me hope. Is there something you can find to focus on that will both distract you and give you hope?

 

[ImSad]

I've been sitting here trying to think of something, but so far coming up blank. Open to any suggestions you may have.

 

[piratelady]

I think it varies from person to person. For me, I was getting bitter and more suicidal because I felt obligated to live so I wouldn't upset my husband. So, now I'm trying to do different things that I may or may not enjoy in an effort to find something in my own life that makes me happy and gives me a desire to push forward. Like, new hobbies, goals, things like that. Something to work towards, even if it's small.

For example (again, this is me), they say exercise is nature's anti depressant. I also want to lose weight/be healthier. So I'm going to try to exercise most days next week, even if it's something small each day like a short walk. Then each day I'll feel a sense of accomplishment, will have taken another step towards my health goals, and that feeds into to other things that were driving my depression.

Does that make sense? I worry sometimes that I don't explain things well.

 

[Ronin]

Is there something that breaks the emptiness, while shortening the sobbing?

Or, that would be neither empty, nor flooded with everything, but something else altogether.

 

[ImSad]

I think it varies from person to person. For me, I was getting bitter and more suicidal because I felt obligated to live so I wouldn't upset my husband. So, now I'm trying to do different things that I may or may not enjoy in an effort to find something in my own life that makes me happy and gives me a desire to push forward. Like, new hobbies, goals, things like that. Something to work towards, even if it's small.

For example (again, this is me), they say exercise is nature's anti depressant. I also want to lose weight/be healthier. So I'm going to try to exercise most days next week, even if it's something small each day like a short walk. Then each day I'll feel a sense of accomplishment, will have taken another step towards my health goals, and that feeds into to other things that were driving my depression.

Does that make sense? I worry sometimes that I don't explain things well.

That makes a lot of sense. A lot of the things you listed are things I've had in my mind for a while, actually. I joined a gym a few months ago, went regularly for a while then fell off. Keep saying I want to go back and not doing it. Maybe I'll start this week. I've also been saying that I want to start taking yoga classes for the longest time. Another thing I've looked into, but never follow through on. Funny how the depression/anxiety issues make it hard to implement the things that would help it.

Maybe this is my sign that it's time to just start these things, instead of thinking about them without the follow through. It's my anxiety/panic attacks that keep me from starting these things, but then I fall into the deep depressions not doing anything. I need to just put my foot down, tell my anxiety to f*ck off, and start trying these new things.

Is there something that breaks the emptiness, while shortening the sobbing?

Or, that would be neither empty, nor flooded with everything, but something else altogether.

Actually, there is. I play guitar and enjoy writing songs. About 3 hours into my day, once I was finally able to move from my bed, I tried picking up my guitar and writing but I was sobbing too much to actually do either of those things. The crying has subsided, for now, and I've been playing and writing a little. Still feeling really low and awful, but it helps to rid myself of the complete emptiness and puts the strong emotions into creativity instead of leaving it all inside my brain.

 

[Ronin]

I play guitar and enjoy writing songs.

Awesome. :happy:

Could that be daily goals, for a time? Writing a song?
(And I do not mean a whole song, a day. I mean, parts of, or anything, that goes into a song. A single note is good enough, so is a doodle to illustrate hard to word something that does not fit proper to either melodies or lyrics, so is tapping a melody by fingers for future use, that day, so is noticing the strength of strings on your guitar.... All bits of making music happen. All good to focus on, too.)

 

[piratelady]

I joined a gym a few months ago, went regularly for a while then fell off. Keep saying I want to go back and not doing it. Maybe I'll start this week. I've also been saying that I want to start taking yoga classes for the longest time.

I had to give up on the gym, getting there was like 90% of the battle for me and I usually lost those battles lol. I looked into home exercise things, like dvd's and stuff. Then all I have to do is change clothes and do it, I don't have to leave the house. It made me a lot more likely to actually follow through.

Then there is yoga. I will say, if you find a good class, with a good yogi (I think that's what they call yoga instructors?), it will make a world of difference. Mine isn't a trauma focused yoga class, he just gives us life lessons while we do yoga, then ties them into the reading while we're laying there. So many of them have been helpful. Honestly, a couple of his lessons helped me decide not to commit suicide a week or so ago. I was really close...but somehow it gave me hope and drove me to make the plan above. It completely calms my mind when I go. It doesn't last super long, but it's a wonderful reprieve from all the anxiety.

 

[ImSad]

Awesome. :happy:

Could that be daily goals, for a time? Writing a song?
(And I do not mean a whole song, a day. I mean, parts of, or anything, that goes into a song. A single note is good enough, so is a doodle to illustrate hard to word something that does not fit proper to either melodies or lyrics, so is tapping a melody by fingers for future use, that day, so is noticing the strength of strings on your guitar.... All bits of making music happen. All good to focus on, too.)

That's a good goal, for sure. I go through periods where I'll write and play music every single day, then not touch it for months. I think trying to make it a goal to do daily, no matter how small, may be helpful.

I had to give up on the gym, getting there was like 90% of the battle for me and I usually lost those battles lol. I looked into home exercise things, like dvd's and stuff. Then all I have to do is change clothes and do it, I don't have to leave the house. It made me a lot more likely to actually follow through.

Then there is yoga. I will say, if you find a good class, with a good yogi (I think that's what they call yoga instructors?), it will make a world of difference. Mine isn't a trauma focused yoga class, he just gives us life lessons while we do yoga, then ties them into the reading while we're laying there. So many of them have been helpful. Honestly, a couple of his lessons helped me decide not to commit suicide a week or so ago. I was really close...but somehow it gave me hope and drove me to make the plan above. It completely calms my mind when I go. It doesn't last super long, but it's a wonderful reprieve from all the anxiety.

If I can get into a good routine, I quite enjoy the gym. Although I can get a little obsessive after a while since I have some body image issues. Stuff to work out in therapy, ha.

I have just started looking at some local meetup groups, and I found a yoga one that offers free classes to all levels. I think I will try to make it to one of those. Yoga has been one of those things that I've always wanted to get into, both for the exercise and the benefits of practicing mindfulness. I guess now that I'm talking to you guys on these threads I'm seeing that I do have a lot of goals I can set into place. I get in such a dark space that I don't even think about trying. But I think it's time for me to really, actually try implementing some of these things that I've thought will be helpful for years now but have never followed through on.

 

[Friday]

getting there was like 90% of the battle for me and I usually lost those battles lol. I looked into home exercise things, like dvd's and stuff. Then all I have to do is change clothes and do it, I don't have to leave the house. It made me a lot more likely to actually follow through.

This is why I had a trapeze bolted into my roof beams (static trapeze, not flying), a pull-up bar installed over my door, and a 10 foot square 2” thick gymnastic floor mat (in black! Woohoo! But horrifically blue per industry standard would have been okay, too), heavy bag in the corner, and monkey ball fire poi ...in my apartment. :sneaky: I was working on getting a used balance beam & ballet barre & Erg machine (I’m pretty sure it’s named after the sound you make whilst rowing)... but those suckers are all expensive new.

If my “playtime!” stuff is all right there in the middle of my living space? I’ll actually use it. Several times a day. If I have to venture out into the horrible miserable no good very bad weather? And people? Looking presentable? Ain’t gonna happen.

 

[ImSad]

I haven’t been able to sleep through the night in days, if not longer. Each time I wake up I pretty much immediately start crying. Don’t know what to do with myself at this point. I wish I just felt empty, but this depressive episode has me feeling so full of all the wrong things.

 

[piratelady]

I wish I had something to offer. Do you let yourself cry or do you try to stop yourself? Like accept that your depressed, let yourself feel it, let yourself cry. Don’t judge it, don’t try to stop it.

Like sometimes if I just let myself cry and cry, eventually it just stops and I fall asleep. But if I feel like I have to stop myself and dry it up, as my mom would say, it keeps sneaking back up on me.