I have to leave. I don’t want to leave.

[questionsaboutrel]

I am totally in knots. My husband and I just got married two months ago. Literally from the day we married, it’s like a switch flipped and the verbal and emotionally abusive behavior ramped up intensely. He just had no boundaries anymore. It’s funny, I had a comment on a PTSD supporter group I’m in on FB about how for another woman’s husband, marriage WAS the trigger in itself that made him unbearable.

He has done some pretty horrific things, including posting on Facebook awful things about me and my family, spreading lies, intimidating and threatening the security clearances of family members. He gets angry at a hair trigger now. Once it was because I was late - it took me 25 mins to get somewhere that normally takes 15 mins (yes, I stopped at the ATM on the way). Once it was because I ordered food at a bar while we were out - even though I offered to pay for it. Once was because he was getting reprimanded at his job. I’ve hidden in closets and under beds in fear. I’ve slept in my car, the garage, and gotten hotel rooms I can’t afford. I have begged and pleaded for change - to get sober and to get into more intensive treatment/medication.

But Thursday was the last straw. After begging me not to move out into a separate apartment, I had my guard down. He insisted it would be fine if he drank. In a series of twisted events, he attacked my father - literally threw him down the stairs and began hitting him on the ground. After I had separated them and gotten my dad out, he turned to me. When he found out I had recorded the whole interaction and my dad was calling the cops he said, calmly, “I’m going to strangle you right now.” Then he lunged and pinned me to the ground, trying to get my phone.

I managed to get away, grab my dog, and get out with my phone and my purse. I drove straight to the police station. It was 4 am. I got a protective order. He’s being charged with a DV charge.

It was the last straw. I know leaving is my only choice. But I’m in shock - does it really end like that? Will I never be able to go back to my old house, my old life? I can never talk to my husband again? Why couldn’t he have approached me about separation peacefully? I feel so awful about going to the police for how it will impact him. But I feel like he pushed and pushed me until I couldn’t do anything else.

I would give anything to hear from him again, for him to apologize and make things right. But on the other hand, I need to stay safe.

Has anyone else gone through this?

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes, it really ends like that.

You know what you have to do.

I'm so sorry. Please stay safe.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.

I don’t think this was a ptsd trigger. I think you married an abusive man who happens to have ptsd. It is EXTREMELY common for the abuse to skyrocket after marriage. Abusive people know they’ve “got you” and so then there is no reason to hold back on the abusive behavior.

:hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD isn't not forcing him to lay hands on you. Don't fall into the supporter trap of excusing everything as a PTSD symptom. Don't blame the PTSD for your husband's actions.

Abuse, intimidation, and violence are reactions to symptoms, not the symptoms themselves. He is choosing how to react. He's not a zombie.

Even if he apologized nothing will have changed. Even if he promised to never do it again would you ever feel safe laying next to the man that threatened to kill you?

 

[blackemerald1]

It was the last straw. I know leaving is my only choice. But I’m in shock - does it really end like that?

^^Yes you need to accept it now. He is abusive. Don't worry about the ptsd that didn't make him do and say any of that.

Will I never be able to go back to my old house, my old life? I can never talk to my husband again? Why couldn’t he have approached me about separation peacefully?

^^Houses can be bought. Your health and safety cannot.
^^ I have no idea why some men/women resort to violence rather than seeking a peaceful way to resolve relationships but they do and you cannot make them behave differently.

I feel so awful about going to the police for how it will impact him. But I feel like he pushed and pushed me until I couldn’t do anything else.

^^I'm sorry he did this to you and your father. Try not to feel awful about reporting him to the Police. He's an adult and he knew that violence would eventually result in this type of action. He cannot be surprised.

I would give anything to hear from him again, for him to apologize and make things right. But on the other hand, I need to stay safe.

^^This is the bit that is the trap. You want him to say sorry - sure he says it. But does he know what 'sorry' means? Can you really get back the life you thought you had? Is he NEVER EVER going to behave like that again? You cannot control him. You can control yourself. Wouldn't you rather have a life without threats, aggression, walking on egg-shells and generalised drama?

 

[Ronin]

No, it does not end like that.

It ends worse.
With you or others dead.

Do not give him any chances. None. At all.
He blew it all.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

Thanks all. I apologize if my post has made it seem like I thought getting back together was an option - I know it isn’t. This has to be over, not only for me but for my family. I also know PTSD cannot be an excuse for abusing one’s partner.

I guess just that the shock of it all is getting to me. As I said, we just got married. It literally feels like he vowed to love and protect me one day and was tricking and trapping me the next. I don’t know how to mourn this and stabilize myself.

 

[Justmehere]

This isn’t all about someone reacting to PTSD symptoms. Much of this is the alcoholism - which I’m guessing he was dealing with prior to marriage. As we all also know, alcoholism is no excuse for violence either. But, I just want to point out that this is more than a PTSD sufferer reacting to the trigger of marriage by becoming a perpetrator. Most sufferers don’t react this way. The vast majority of people with mental health problems don’t become violent - but studies have shown those with mental health issues and addictions to drugs or alcohol are st a greet risk to become violent than those dealing with mental health problems alone. Many people with drinking problems don’t become violent perpetrators, but don’t underestimate that factor in all of this.

And no, it does not end this way. The relationship ends. But your life, your story, goes on. Hold on to that.

You just witnessed and suffered a violence crime by a loved one against you and he destroyed a marriage in a very short time. Things are going to feel shakey and bad for a little while. But in time, it will get better.

I’d strongly suggest connecting with the victim advocate or domestic violence agency in your area for resources and connections to support locally through the court processes - both the divorce and the criminal case he is facing. Hopefully it will be a short process for you and your father. I’d also see about talking to a counselor for you. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because peritraumatic support is well known to reduce the chances of developing PTSD and you just went through a serious trauma. He did betray all that he promised to you. What he did was anything but love. One of the good things is that this all happened now, and not years down the road with more time and possibly kids involved.

You took all the right steps to get out quickly. I’m so sorry for what you have been through.

 

[Friday]

And no, it does not end this way. The relationship ends. But your life, your story, goes on. Hold on to that.

This. 1000x this.

Has anyone else gone through this?

Yep. Almost to the letter.

Except we had kids before getting married, so I couldn’t divorce him without leaving the kids unprotected., and he made it VERY clear he’d make their lives living hell. So I stayed for 11 years. Until the 3rd time he tried to kill me that year came too close. So I gambled with a divorce. And lost. Not that the courts didn’t believe me. They found him guilty of spousal abuse, spousal rape, child abuse & neglect, assault with intent. Slapped 11 restraining orders on him. Barred him from ever working with or volunteering with kids, being a known danger to them... And ...was sentenced with the harshest sentence family court can give... court. ordered. counseling. :mad::banghead::mad: AND??? Half custody.

And, yes. He made their lives living hell.

Leave now.

This isn’t PTSD.

This is abuse.

Live your life, and for the next 11 years? Think of me ;) Just from time to time.

And when you DO have kids? Know they’re safe. Revel in that. Down to your bones.

 

[blackemerald1]

I guess just that the shock of it all is getting to me.

^^This - you are in shock and please respect that about your brain. It is doing a whole lot of processing and living through a violent incident (please don't minimise - it was violent) - your body is re-adjusting too.

I don’t know how to mourn this and stabilize myself.

^^Totally agree with @Justmehere re the support advocate, domestic violence support and the counselor. That is how you will work through the emotional maze you have now found yourself in.

And another point. It's not your fault. Don't try and second guess yourself. His violence is NEVER your fault. His consumption of alcohol is NEVER your fault. His broken promises are NEVER your fault.

I completely agree with @Friday - you are so lucky there are no children involved etc., Though I'm sure right now you cannot see this. With time, the right man and lots of love - you will look back and know you were bloody lucky.

And one last thing. Give your father a huge hug and tell him you love him and you are so grateful to him. I don't know what the circumstances are that led him to be there on that particular day but I am sure the fact that he showed up for you is worth some consideration. Things could have ended very differently if you had been alone. So tell him.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

^^This - you are in shock and please respect that about your brain. It is doing a whole lot of processing and living through a violent incident (please don't minimise - it was violent) - your body is re-adjusting too.

^^This - you are in shock and please respect that about your brain. It is doing a whole lot of processing and living through a violent incident (please don't minimise - it was violent) - your body is re-adjusting too.


^^Totally agree with @Justmehere re the support advocate, domestic violence support and the counselor. That is how you will work through the emotional maze you have now found yourself in.

And another point. It's not your fault. Don't try and second guess yourself. His violence is NEVER your fault. His consumption of alcohol is NEVER your fault. His broken promises are NEVER your fault.

I completely agree with @Friday - you are so lucky there are no children involved etc., Though I'm sure right now you cannot see this. With time, the right man and lots of love - you will look back and know you were bloody lucky.

And one last thing. Give your father a huge hug and tell him you love him and you are so grateful to him. I don't know what the circumstances are that led him to be there on that particular day but I am sure the fact that he showed up for you is worth some consideration. Things could have ended very differently if you had been alone. So tell him.

^^Totally agree with @Justmehere re the support advocate, domestic violence support and the counselor. That is how you will work through the emotional maze you have now found yourself in.

And another point. It's not your fault. Don't try and second guess yourself. His violence is NEVER your fault. His consumption of alcohol is NEVER your fault. His broken promises are NEVER your fault.

I completely agree with @Friday - you are so lucky there are no children involved etc., Though I'm sure right now you cannot see this. With time, the right man and lots of love - you will look back and know you were bloody lucky.

And one last thing. Give your father a huge hug and tell him you love him and you are so grateful to him. I don't know what the circumstances are that led him to be there on that particular day but I am sure the fact that he showed up for you is worth some consideration. Things could have ended very differently if you had been alone. So tell him.

Thank you, I know that. My parents are incredibly loving and kind. My husband has started to lash out in terrible ways to them too, as part of his tornado, and they keep being supportive of me even with their own hurt feelings towards him. My father was willing to put himself in jeopardy to make sure I was safe. One thing I will say about my husband, it’s obvious that he doesn’t understand true love and respect in the way that I’ve seen it in my parents and I keep having to remind myself of that.