The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So I'm feeling utterly foolish and stupud today.
Lots of shame and a deep sense of inadequacy today.
I'm really feeling into my Aspergersness.
How mucked up my brain.is and how much of a kind of retarded person I am.
Tears are forming and I'm losing hope.
I have been working so hard, processing trauma, seeing my T, equine therapy, self care, yadda yadd yah, and it's all helped and worked a lot, but nothing can.fix the reality that I have a processing disorder called high functioning Autism.
I'm really sad about this guys.
I'm done trying to blend in with neurotypicals, it didn't work and it just wore me out.
Ok, lots of tears now.
The loneliness and sense of being cut off.
It's cruel.
It's the brain I was born with. Its unfixable.
I got a bum deal. ASD and all the damn shit that came on top of that.
I'm f*cking well feeling stupid sorry for mydamnself.
Great. More shame.
I'm f*cking lame.
I'm retarded and I can't fix myself no matter how much trauma I process or how much brilliant "masking" and passing I'm able to pull off.
Uuuuuuughhhh

 

[mumstheword]

No worries.

Islamic feminism is worth a Google from a mystical/spiritualist perspective :)
Sufi Soul: The Mystic Music of Islam is quite good as a doco on Netflix if you're into the Sufi thing.

Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet", while not super strictly Islam is amazing if you like Rumi.

If you want to know about Muslim women's rights, ask Muslim women | Susan Carland

Is written by someone who did a doctoral thesis.

Muslim feminism beyond driving

Rafia Zakara is an awesome correspondent for Al Jazeera, who run an awesome Women's Rights in the Middle East/Maghreb region blog.

Susan Bassnet's work on the language of translation from Arabic to English - particularly "Translating Terror", is about the politics of translating certain words to archaic English meanings. Hands down probably The Most I've ever learnt from one article.

Arundhati Roy, although not a Muslim, writes awesome stuff about Indian politics. I literally own all her books and I reckon she's amazing.

Dr Susan Carland has some interesting, if paternalistic views.

Edward Said's work on Orientalism, which I think Juso mentioned, is really cool as well.

Anyway, total nerd about this stuff.

I read those two links. The Article on Saudi, was particularly vindicating for me. Yay, what a brilliant writer, Rufia rocks!

I hate what the Saudi and American oil barons and empire builders have done to the face of modern Islam and the political divisiveness/elite's propaganda machine that is (for the most part) the media, as in sanctioned and funded "mainstream" media.

I used to watch Al Jazeera.

Anyway, she restored my faith a bit, I needed that.

There is a long way to go, though.Yes, I would much rather read and listen to the women from within the faith and read of other's putting them forward than from western feminists. Sorry to all you lovely western feminists, I do love and respect you, but, I'm intimately aware of the sorts of issues plaguing women in the west. Being someone who worked very hard, having baby after baby, on the road, to a Aspie/sociopathic narc, who grew up with DV, and being Aspie, well, too easy prey. I know, too well, the sorts of problems that I've faced.

I STILL can't drive a car, and, I have a brain more like a man's and I live in a poorly populated rural part of a sparsely populated (but very "lucky") country.

I don't live in a "Patriarchy" though. I am subject, like the majority of the world, to an oligarchy, who prey on the rest of us, by dividing and conquering, indebting and mentally enslaving and mesmerising us.

These oligarchs rule over us, through media propaganda, through ideology, through divide and conquer politics, through our infantile refusal to learn to think for ourselves, through deep state maneuvering and Bilderberg secret meetings, through scare tactics and lies and yes, conspiracies.

It is true that most of these elite are males, but there are far more men just as disempowered, as females, by these powerful powermongers and holders of wealth. They manipulate men and women, equally, and one of the primary ways these elites and Machiavellian rulers have always gained power over others, is through separating people; women versus men, nation members against nation members, ideology versus ideology, party versus party, all ploys to keep us fighting each other, instead of freeing ourselves from the manipulations of narcissists, meglomanics, money-hoarding bankers and political powermongers.

Not a gender thing (to me), more a system of class, wealth, manipulation and divisive ideology; so THAT'S why I'm not a feminist, I'm a humanist.

 

[littleoc]

You aren’t inadequate. And you aren’t retarded in any way that I can tell :)

If it helps you any, in my friend group, we have an autistic dude who most my friends don’t know is autistic. They barely noticed. They just think he’s extreme in his hobbies occasionally. My twin brother is also autistic and he’s got a friend circle of his own. I’m worried about him, but it isn’t because of his autism in any direct way. More because he denies having autism or trauma.

So I think you will be able to find where you belong, because you aren’t damned by any means.

To be really personal with you for a second, my cousin with Down syndrome (who is retarded in both growth and intelligence) has managed to have two close friends who are neurotypical.

No one can judge you. If they don’t want to be friends because you’re too different, that’s their problem that they’re immature or straight up ignorant. That’s your self esteem that’s sad about this, but it doesn’t have to be. You’re friendable :)

 

[mumstheword]

T

You aren’t inadequate. And you aren’t retarded in any way that I can tell :)

If it helps you any, in my friend group, we have an autistic dude who most my friends don’t know is autistic. They barely noticed. They just think he’s extreme in his hobbies occasionally. My twin brother is also autistic and he’s got a friend circle of his own. I’m worried about him, but it isn’t because of his autism in any direct way. More because he denies having autism or trauma.

So I think you will be able to find where you belong, because you aren’t damned by any means.

To be really personal with you for a second, my cousin with Down syndrome (who is retarded in both growth and intelligence) has managed to have two close friends who are neurotypical.

No one can judge you. If they don’t want to be friends because you’re too different, that’s their problem that they’re immature or straight up ignorant. That’s your self esteem that’s sad about this, but it doesn’t have to be. You’re friendable :)

Thank you @littleoc :-) That is very, very kind of you to say. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I know I'm being sooky about the Autism spectrum Aspie thing. I mean you'd think I might have dealt with it and come to terms with it right? I mean, I'm a middle aged woman "high functioning" (well, I used to think so, anyway, maybe not super high functioning yeah, I was, I am), and I've only just now realized I'm on the spectrum, like, no doubts at, all, I fit all the criteria, the pattern fits to a T.
I'm sad because I, again, have to adjust my expectations of what I can achieve. I mean, sure, I'll work like f*ck to do what I can, that's my personality. I'll put that obsessional focus to breaking through whatever limitations I can, but, it's a comorbidity that is, by it's very nature, alienating and overwhelming, emotionally disregulating and rigid.
Maybe I'm lucky I got pushed so hard to be flexible and accommodating to other people? Maybe life has given me the most beautiful lemons to make lemonade with, that one of my most passionate obsessions and "special interests" is the welfare of my children?
Maybe, I'm blessed and not cursed. I'm oddly logical, I'm obsessively focused, I'm peacefully limited socially.
I'm intellectually engaged and I'm not emotionally removed. I do care, a great deal. Maybe I'm not too much of a freakazoid . I told my youngest daughter, that I am Aspie, today and she said "Oh, is that why you're such a weirdo, mum?" I said, "yeah, that's why I'm such a weirdo" and she said (bless her heart) "But you are a very lovable weirdo, mum". I said thank you sweet heart, very smile-ily. :)
So, it's ok. I'm ok. I'm ok with this. I've been living it my whole life, and now I understand me better, and I'll get more and better resources now that I know this about myself.
I've struggled and muddled along until now, I have my guy beside me. I've got this.

 

[mumstheword]

One of the (kind of distressing symptoms? I think) of my ASD is a kind of emotional-conceptual disconnect. My brain refuses to provide anything around converting emotional empathic care to situations. It's a weird blank that isn't a blank, because deep inside, I care A LOT, but can't access anything to demonstrate it. It's like a electrical overload trip wire, whatever that's called, when the power shuts off, if you are trying to overdraw it.
I want so much to respond, and be in the emotional-empathy-connection circle, but the circuit of my own processing system doesn't extend that far. It's frustrating, because I feel like a love-athlete who's lost the physical ability to practice their sport. I mean I know I deeply care about other humans, but my ability to show it is far less than I can demonstrate. Musical vocal performance was good for me, and dance. I could express more through my voice and body than I've ever been able to, in words and conversation.
It's hard not doing those things now.

 

[Freida]

huh?

I'm done trying to blend in with neurotypicals, it didn't work and it just wore me out.

Ok so I dunno if my messed up brain makes me neurotypical but I think you do a great job of blending in here. You sound just like the rest of the people here -- funny, friendly, supportive, empathetic, loving, etc. And no - I don't think it's an act that you are putting on. I think it is who you are - label or no label.

I mean you'd think I might have dealt with it and come to terms with it right?

the diagnosis you just go a couple weeks ago? Sureeeee.... let's beat you up for not coming to terms with what that meant immediately. :hug:

I'm ok with this. I've been living it my whole life, and now I understand me better, and I'll get more and better resources now that I know this about myself.

Yepper!

I've struggled and muddled along until now, I have my guy beside me. I've got this.

yes you do!

I want so much to respond, and be in the emotional-empathy-connection circle, but the curcuit of my own processing system don't extend that far.

Ohhhhh yea - I'm breaking out the feather duster! Where in the world are you getting this idea that you aren't emotional/empathic?
I've been on this site with you for a year now and you are ALWAYS supportive and figuring out what people need to hear to feel better or look at things differently. That, my love, is empathy. And I've seen you do it with your kids over and over. Do you have some aspi in you? Ok, sure. But does that change who you are? NO.

You are still mums. You are still the person who makes me smile when I read your posts, cheers me up when I'm feeling down, empathizes with me when I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do next. And you do it over and over with so many people on this site.

You have a new diagnosis but it doesn't change you as a person. You are still who you were. You just have so new ways to look at how you feel which may simply your life. But don't for one second think that a diagnosis changes how important and CARING you are.

Whew.
Haven't typed that cranky fast since I was in dispatch! :laugh: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

huh?

Ok so I dunno if my messed up brain makes me neurotypical but I think you do a great job of blending in here. You sound just like the rest of the people here -- funny, friendly, supportive, empathetic, loving, etc. And no - I don't think it's an act that you are putting on. I think it is who you are - label or no label.

the diagnosis you just go a couple weeks ago? Sureeeee.... let's beat you up for not coming to terms with what that meant immediately. :hug:

Yepper!

yes you do!

Ohhhhh yea - I'm breaking out the feather duster! Where in the world are you getting this idea that you aren't emotional/empathic?
I've been on this site with you for a year now and you are ALWAYS supportive and figuring out what people need to hear to feel better or look at things differently. That, my love, is empathy. And I've seen you do it with your kids over and over. Do you have some aspi in you? Ok, sure. But does that change who you are? NO.

You are still mums. You are still the person who makes me smile when I read your posts, cheers me up when I'm feeling down, empathizes with me when I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do next. And you do it over and over with so many people on this site.

You have a new diagnosis but it doesn't change you as a person. You are still who you were. You just have so new ways to look at how you feel which may simply your life. But don't for one second think that a diagnosis changes how important and CARING you are.

Whew.
Haven't typed that cranky fast since I was in dispatch! :laugh::hug:

Oh shucks @Freida! Your lovely, caring, kind post got my tears happening in overflow! Thank you so, so much!
I must have really needed to hear/read that!
Where are the tissues? Waaaahhh. Sometimes reading you is worse than going to the movies! (In a good way! You touch my heart a lot, is all :hug: :hug: :hug:)

 

[Freida]

:hug::hug: :)

 

[mumstheword]

I'm still obsessing about my autism. I'm feeling angry and upset with how much I've struggled, undiagnosed and misdiagnosed and the neglect and abuse feels even worse, looking back, with the awareness of how much having aspergers made my life intolerable, a lot of the time.
I didn't know what it was and sure traumatic shit made it worse but really it's the Autism.
I am relieved to know, but I'm pissed at how poorly I was raised and how unresponsive and inept those around me were.

 

[Swift]

I'm pissed at how shit they were too mate.
I'm kinda a bit glad you've found out about the autism though?
Running an Aspie brain in a non-Aspie world can't be a picnic.

 

[mumstheword]

Running an Aspie brain in a world that doesn't care I have an Aspie brain, but is happy to exploit the Aspie's body.... Bah!

I have my adorable Aspie boyfriend now though, we have suffered comparatively, so all is not shit.

I'm still mad and upset though.

I think it's possible that ALL my boys are on the spectrum and I'm hurting for them, as well.
I wish I didn't have to worry about more stigma, ignorance, apathy, misconceptions and the utter lack of resources and care. Now that the NDIS is here it's just a major headf*ck to get anywhere, with any kinds of supports, so, maybe, I'll need to work towards becoming an Auti/Aspie advocate. I can do advocacy, I'm not too bad at it, thanks to my training on the stage, my love of research and my passion for social justice.