Trying to Understand

[Grace1]

i'm sure he is not an alcoholic. he has been open enough to share documentation of PTSD and ANXIETY to me. I just find it strange that he at one point was okay enough to call me from his home, makes me know its possible. When he did call me and he spoke a little quickly which Ithink he had been playing cards and some drinks. I think maybe he was embarrassed because he had been drinking. Which I don’t care. To date if I ask him to call me from home it's a definite no, he does have a cell phone. He is ex-military and finds very little purpose in needing a cell phone. If his base is his home, I can get my head around that. If anyone like his sibling and mom need they know his work phone and can call. If he's left for the day he is home in 45 minutes. We can talk about things at work, but I know when he feels a little overwhelmed he gets an involuntary twitch and I know to give him space. I feel like there are a lot of non verbals that I get from if I speak with him and email some email if they are maybe overwhelming for him he won't respond. Early on we have discussed being intimate however we both felt like when that time presents itself we wanted to make sure it is the right. So that is not a priority now for either of us. I would just like a more normal relationship and with the obligations of his family and mental health I'm not sure if that will ever be or just not now. He sends me videos often which I think help him express thoughts, as he will sometimes lose track of what he wants to say or thinks he does not speak as eloquently as he feels I do.I feel sometimes like if I press him on it then he says he does think he could live without me and then he makes comments like if I move to Florida in retirement and he makes comments like "you'll be right to Florida" --- then he will when he's in his head he says I deserve better. Well look back and laugh when I find a nice guy and I tell him I already found him. I try to listen and not bank on anything right now and just see where things go. My heart is if he is not going to be happy with us together I don't want it. I don't want to stress or overwhelm him in anyway.

 

[EveHarrington]

You are not a part of his home life at all and the times you have spoken to him at home, he was drinking.

You have no way of knowing if he is an alcoholic or not. Many alcoholics are excellent at hiding their disease and appearing functional.

This happens quite a lot. A supporter comes here and excuses away all behavior in the name of ptsd, while ignoring any other explanation. I’m just saying keep your eyes and your mind open.

Go read other threads. You’ll see what I’m saying.

 

[Friday]

I don’t think I used the word dating at all.

Ahhhhh. My mistake. This is someone you want to be dating, not someone you actually are. Apologies.

 

[Grace1]

I don’t drink at all but I would know an alcoholic, as I have family members. He will have a few beers watching the game which does not make anyone an alcoholic. He does not believe that getting drunk would help his condition. I believe he has PTSD along with the anxiety. If he was an alcoholic I would know. I am certainly not excusing anything. He says that playing in the sandbox in Iraq changed him a bit. What’s hard for me I don’t know who he was before Iraq, but the person that I know now I care a great deal about.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the best thing you can do now is accept him as he is. Listen to your own needs and realistically determine if you can continue to have him in your life if this is the best that things get. Would you be ok staying just friends and not knowing parts of his life? It seems like you really want to know more, so educating yourself on ptsd could help. I think it’s going to be about finding what works for the both of you. Keep your eyes and ears open, and don’t dismiss any red flags without finding out more. I know that having a sufferer in your life isn’t easy. It may be that he is giving you all that he can right now?

 

[Grace1]

I think the best thing you can do now is accept him as he is. Listen to your own needs and realistically determine if you can continue to have him in your life if this is the best that things get. Would you be ok staying just friends and not knowing parts of his life? It seems like you really want to know more, so educating yourself on ptsd could help. I think it’s going to be about finding what works for the both of you. Keep your eyes and ears open, and don’t dismiss any red flags without finding out more. I know that having a sufferer in your life isn’t easy. It may be that he is giving you all that he can right now?

If this is the best - I would definitely reconsider.
It would be a challenge for me to stay friends and not know more. We both would like to intimate, for me if I were not able to learn more we would not be intimiate. A part of me feels like even as a friend you can still share a bit with a person in time. Are there any good books that you would recommend? Thank you Eve I appreciate.

 

[Freida]

I am tired because if it were me I would do whatever it took, but it’s not me.

No. You wouldn't. If you were the one with PTSD you would be just like the rest of us. You would be too busy trying to stay alive, stop the nightmares, stop the sirens screaming in your head, stop the flashbacks, stop the panic and everything else that happens CONSTANTLY with the minimal coping skills you have, all the while knowing that starting therapy is going to make it so much worse. Because once you start therapy you risk losing everything. So you would drag your feet just like we do, you would give up relationships with people who will never understand just like we do. You would be one of us. One of the ones WITH PTSD. Living the nightmare with US. Not someone sitting on the sidelines yammering about all the things they would do if they were the ones living in this hell

 

[Ronin]

even as a friend you can still share a bit with a person in time.

Some things are not shareable, though.

As in genuinely, unless you lived the similar, no descriptions come close.
And some are just too raw, and too much, TO be shared about.

Trauma isn't like any other topic, where you can share the more you know the person. Comfort zones with trauma do not work the same. You may care for the person the damnedest... and that either still not being enough to share even hints with them, OR be the exact reason to not share with them. Because you care. Because you want them in your life. Or be in theirs.

 

[Grace1]

I really appreciate all the feedback it has been invaluable, I hope that maybe he can move beyond non verbals and he can tell me what he really wants to to do going forward. Okay so this may or may not sounds like PTSD. The other day I met him at the train and he greeted me as usual, then I said hey can I ride with you to your stop and then I would go back to train and he kinda laughed and said no. I really thought he was joking - I immediately thought oh gosh and I asked him would that make him nervous and he said yes. We parted ways shortly after pleasantries. That was like torture to me. I'm just not sure that if nothing changes I can do this. It just makes me sad. That I love him and vice versa but it just may not be enough. Maybe I just need to take a step back, he says he wants to tell me everything. So maybe I just wait who knows.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I've been with my sufferer for years and sleep beside him every night... he still doesn't tell me everything. He can't share it all. He also does it to protect me. I don't need the gory details.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend or wife?

 

[Grace1]

I've been with my sufferer for years and sleep beside him every night... he still doesn't tell me everything. He can't share it all. He also does it to protect me. I don't need the gory details.

I get it, I don’t expect him to tell all that he’s been through. I feel like it’s hard for him to open and sometimes just express how he feels. He will share pictures when he was in the Middle East and he just is very reluctant I think to discuss his feelings.