The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

so maybe I'll need to work towards becoming an Auti/Aspie advocate. I can do advocacy, I'm not too bad at it, thanks to my training on the stage, my love of research and my passion for social justice.

You would be amazing at this!!!

 

[mumstheword]

You would be amazing at this!!!

I also trained as a mental health peer support worker.

I've been looking at the politics of autism supports funding in australia and it's making me feel physically ill.
The National Disability Insurance Scheme seems thoughly antagonistic towards people with Aspergers Syndrome.
I knew it was futile for me to apply for any level of funding, despite all the abuse and disadvantage I've experienced as a result of my and other family members ASD, it's not considered a disability, according to our government. I mean I CAN'T EVEN DRIVE, let alone get a job, but, oh, no, I don't have a disability. Lucky I got misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder or I wouldn't have a pension or any means to get treatment.

Why is it even called Autism Spectrum DISORDER if they deny it causes any significant impairment?
I'll tell you why, because certain, very lucky individuals on the spectrum happen.to have great families who support them, or they fall on their feet with educational or employment opportunities, so the rest of us can suck it up and just "get with the being normal and fitting in" , because if "they" (the Einsteins and Bill Gates's) can succeed, then so can all the rest of us (apparently). That's what I think, anyway.
I think that's our governments attitude. They see social/emotional - psychosocial disability as not a real thing, not a valid thing like being in a wheel chair or being intellectually and cognitively severely impaired. Because it's "invisible" it doesn't really exist. And people with ASD are easy to pick on because our abilities to self advocate are generally impaired and we isolate and avoid people so we aren't going to bother anyone with our anti social or unsightly impairments. No, we are going to stay home and feel left out, because the world is too confusing, overwhelming and distressing for us to navigate, when it comes to social interaction, you are just lucky if your "special interest" (see obsessive focus) is something the world is interested in .

I am good at music but don't get help to manage other deficits so that I get to showcase my compositions.

I won't give up though, lucky there is facilities and recognition snd supports for people with trauma issues or else I would be screwed.

 

[mumstheword]

10
10 was a pretty good year, considering what came before and after.
I had a total meltdown on my 10th birthday though. Aspie overload meltdown. I actually had a birthday party and yep, too many people, too much focus on me, couldn't handle it, had a major spac attack.
10 was the year I had that great temporary mum for a while. Cathy. I don't remember how long for, but it was heavenly.
I went to a great school too. It was the year I discovered drama (as in acting in plays and such), which was very liberating, because before that, it was like social "locked in" syndrome. I couldn't show any personality, couldn't have conversations, couldn't make friends, couldn't show "who I was". Ironically, it was learning how to "pretend" to "be someone else" that set me free to be "me".

I got a part as a gypsy fortuneteller in the school play and I had found "my thing".

I also discovered I could dance, at that school. We had a disco and I discovered I could move to the music! I'm now reassessing my dance skills. I think, I must be a total movement weirdo and show my Asp-social-clunk through movement, but I always thought I was a "good" dancer. Now, I suspect I'm a very "weird" albeit enthusiastic dancer.
Yes, NOW I'm embarrassed. But back then, it was totally freeing and I felt happy around other people. For a change!

I'm crying now. I've lost dancing as a way to communicate now. It's a present grief and a past joy.

 

[mumstheword]

So I'm.upset. I wish I could stop feeling hurt and angry and frustrated by and about my kid's dad!

It's my oldest son's birthday today. I made him a cake, actually I'm in the throes of making it now. I put a lot of forethought and preparation into it. I told my oldest daughter, and my youngest daughter, thinking they would make sure that everyone knew, so no one else needed to make one. Well nobody told their dad and he's made two cakes.

I an making a quadruple chocolate hazelnut vegan gluten free cake with vegan chocolate and coconut cream ganache (he has Crohn's and has given up dairy and gluten, and is vegetarian and my oldest daughter is also a vegan and gluten free), but there will be too many cakes, so, yeah.

Hopefully we all get to go out to dinner tomorrow night and I'll take it with me and we can have it there.

I'm.upset with myself, that I can't talk to my kid's dad. He was horrible to me for sooooooo many years. He was basically my pedo rapist, sex and domestic slaver, teen impregnater, gaslighting, sociopathic mind-f*cker.

Considering that I am autistic (high functioning, but still) which means at 16, I probably had a mentality of a 12 year old, and I looked about twelve until well into my twenties, he is a horrible pedo evil dude. (He was twice my age and picked me up from being a homeless waif) He treated me hatefully and has never changed, so why should I talk to him? I don't care if he's on the spectrum too, that isn't an excuse to be a total See You Next Tuesday (thanks for that one @Swift, I hadn't heard of that expression.before lol).

So what if he he isn't a total tool and tosser to our kid's? His shitty parenting has still made 5 out of seven.of them, depressed, stressed, confused, drug f*cked and ill (on top of my shitty autistic/ptsd f*ckedupness). Actually, thinking about it, all of the ones who chose to stay with him got really ill.

I can't and I won't talk to him, not until I get some proof that he's changed and that is highly unlikely. So that's why stupid, disappointing mix-ups occur, like, too many birthday cakes.

Sigh ...

My life is a freaking-messy-aftermath-of-a -long-term-living-nightmare-that-hasn't-really-finished-yet.

 

[littleoc]

That is frustrating. Especially the bigger issue outside of the cake.

I bet your cake came out the best, though. It sounds like it requires a lot of work! I’ve never tried to make a cake like that. I hope it was at least rewarding for you, despite everything.

:hug:

 

[Freida]

I'm.upset with myself, that I can't talk to my kid's dad. He was horrible to me for sooooooo many years. He was basically my pedo rapist, sex and domestic slaver, teen impregnater, gaslighting, sociopathic mind-f*cker.

Wow. I thought I was self -judgey! This ^^ oh hun. Why in the world would you think talking to this monster is even possible??? The fact that you are even considering it is amazing to me. But beating yourself up because you can't? Seriously -- if I had this sentence in my diary about monster what would you tell me? Would you say suck it up buttercup and just talk to him? Or would you tell me that not being able to talk to someone who had horribly abused me is perfectly normal?

No - no being upset with yourself. None. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Ptsd poetry anyone?

I wrote this poem today. This is teen homeless me talking. I'm so sad for her.

 

[mumstheword]

Wow. I thought I was self -judgey! This ^^ oh hun. Why in the world would you think talking to this monster is even possible??? The fact that you are even considering it is amazing to me. But beating yourself up because you can't? Seriously -- if I had this sentence in my diary about monster what would you tell me? Would you say suck it up buttercup and just talk to him? Or would you tell me that not being able to talk to someone who had horribly abused me is perfectly normal?

No - no being upset with yourself. None. :hug:

Yeah, bout that. I guess so. He's a horrible human, who wanted me dead. I really DON'T want to talk to him, but I hate how it affects our children, that I can't.

 

[mumstheword]

I

That is frustrating. Especially the bigger issue outside of the cake.

I bet your cake came out the best, though. It sounds like it requires a lot of work! I’ve never tried to make a cake like that. I hope it was at least rewarding for you, despite everything.

:hug:

I Think the cake will be awesome. It looks good. I decided to wait til today and I invited my son up for tea, as he didn't want the dinner party at the restaurant. He's very, very down.

I don't even know if he'll come up here, yet. I messaged him but I couldn't get through and he hasn't answered.

Honestly, I'm so worried about him. It's very possible that he's suicidal, and it wouldn't be the first time.

I hope he comes and talks to me, I can hardly get a word out of him.

 

[littleoc]

Oh, that is worrying. I wish I could help, but I will offer you a hug to let you know we’re listening :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Oh, that is worrying. I wish I could help, but I will offer you a hug to let you know we’re listening :hug:

I talked to my son. I reminded him of when his younger brother (20-year-old) was really depressed and withdrawn and how much brighter he got after catching up with me regularly. He started wearing bright clothes and now he's pursuing a career in hairdressing and smiles and laughs a lot. I said I think it would be good if we talked more, and he agreed. :-) He's going to come over for dinner and we will have the cake then.
I'm so happy now! He agreed with me! :-) And he started to talk more. It was really, really good. We were on the phone for about an hour.:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

[littleoc]

That’s so wonderful!!! ?