Pivot Points - Central Themes In Managing Your PTSD

[IceQueencop]

My dear @Friday, I can understand why safe isn’t a real thing for you. You’ve seen a lot of trauma, and your experiences have shown you that the whole world could crumble in an instant. It makes sense that you want to control things and tend towards sabotage for the purpose of control.
@EveHarrington, would you describe your emotional dysregulation as hyperarousal? Just wondering as that’s definitely part of PTSD, too.

 

[scout86]

your experiences have shown you that the whole world could crumble in an instant

But it CAN, can't it? Seriously? I mean, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but......

 

[IceQueencop]

@scout86, yes, of course the world can crumble in an instant. Post trauma stress gets the brain into a state of hyper vigilance so that survival and fear are the primary drivers of the being. I get how necessary that feels. I get that trying to tell people how fragile the world is, is like shouting into the wind.
People without PTSD don’t see things the same way, they don’t have the same worries and concerns. Their worries seem senseless and meaningless. Things like grades, and makeup and stock prices. Those of us with PTSD know that those things are meaningless and frivolous.

They think we’re the ones with delusional thinking.

 

[Tinyflame]

The world can, we know, and that sets us apart, or distant. It's the likelihood or heightened odds with which we think it will, and watch for it, or wait for it, which also sets us apart, and sets us up, too, I think. I think that's where the trust, and feeling of safety, come in to play for some of us. And those 2 are chicken-and-the-egg. It's just as unsafe, but "who's" not safe? Therein lies the variable we have some say in avoiding or not.

Yet, for example, I felt better, less wary just getting warm. :rolleyes:

 

[Tinyflame]

I've thought about this maybe it's very different for others? But maybe 'safety' is absence of deceit, or some other trigger involved previously in interpersonal trauma? Maybe the feeling is of a lie, but contrasted to it the knowledge maybe it's being paranoid or hypervigilant? Sometimes people lie, sometimes others lie about people, of course we can lie, we know of people lying and don't condemn it... but, what is left? Who and what is to be believed, or when? If we can't shake the feeling when something seems amiss, do we honor it, or- question it as ourselves being wrong, ptsd being a factor, and accept responsibility for that? Does a pivot point become trusting, despite ourselves and misgivings, or feeling confident in our own mistrusting feelings? Idk. All I know is the safety factor is more emotional safety (to prevent physical or other harm- that reflects to trauma), not controlling the physical environment entirely. Not sure if that makes sense. Just a thought or a sense, really, or just a question, which I don't understand.

But then I also think, does the pivot point become choosing to go out on a limb, and believe things are ok, and act accordingly, or simply choosing to accept believing they're not, and acting in accordance with that? I imagine the pivot point is choosing the former. That takes a lot of risk and courage. I suppose it would be a pivot(al) point in healing, because it would be living, no holds barred (or at least less). Without fear.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking of something @Friday said about (her) not dealing with a sense or perception of unsafety/ 'that' not being a personal challenge or factor (hope I said that 'right' @Friday- as you said there's no safety, so therefore nothing but unsafety/ the unknown, and I agree) . I was thinking (for me) it's a profound sense of unsafety- but if I ask myself, " 'what', exactly, am I afraid of?", no words come to me. Just as you Friday referred to preparedness, variables that can/ can't be controlled, and though I fear the past repeating (generally), I can't in words even honestly identify 'what' I fear in those moments. Meaning- the most obvious- it isn't likely rational (cognitive)!

And oddly, searching for something else unrelated ("I realize that:... Christmas music is an insurmountable distraction if studying' ? :singing: :) ) I found this:
Do Sufferers Realize When They're Triggered?

 

[Teasel]

Not sure about that. Just because you can't name a particular thing you are scared of doesn't mean a sense of being unsafe is irrational.

I mean I think we agree anything could happen at any moment, you dont have to be able to name it do you?

 

[Tinyflame]

No @berlinda, but- maybe.. ? Such as, fear of death; harm to another, etc etc.

Reactive not to be confused with irrational- rather an absence of rational thought, entire, is what I mean, not an irrational or distorted thought; not a catastrophising thought; not- thought.

 

[Friday]

@Junebug ... Similar a fear of heights? Sure, falling to your death is a rational fear, BUT freezing and shaking and losing your ever loving mind up somewhere tall doesn’t exactly make it less likely. To the contrary, it can make it more assured rather than less? Or be utterly pointless when inside a building, etc.?

The fear may be rational, but the reaction not so much?

 

[Rani G2]

Power and Subjugation...

Power: I must be assertive, always. I should appear tough, strong and intelligent. No weakness, because weakness is Death.


Subjugation: I must come out of this alive so I should submit myself. Make no enemy.

Balancing myself through reality, always adjusting my lens to see through distorted perceptions.

 

[NatBird]

@Friday Thanks for started the thread:)

The pivot points have changed as I have changed. For example, I used to need to protect, be the advocate now I often have the need to be protected.

It feels my experience of PTSD hinges on:

feeling vs numbing --
being present, be available to notice what is going on in me at a sensory, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level, meditation, connection with nature OR not being able to feel but still being able to stay with that rather than blocking.

expressing/communicating/connecting vs stuffing/silence/disconnection --
exercising, movement practices, writing, painting, cooking, conversations - connecting with me and others OR stuffing with food, other peoples stories, words etc and vanishing.

integration/acceptance vs obsessing/denial --
feeling new knowing in my body, expressing a deep feeling very simply, relaxed muscles, being able to smile, appreciating lessons and insights OR talking and thinking about the same thing over and over and over and over....

balance vs chaos --
accepting the good and not to good, things might get worse, things might get better OR being totally scattered, having no attention span, no thread, creating drama, catastrophic thinking, inner critic and unhappy inner children driving, tense, unable to think creatively.

 

[Tinyflame]

BUT freezing and shaking and losing your ever loving mind up somewhere tall doesn’t exactly make it less likely. To the contrary, it can make it more assured rather than less? Or be utterly pointless when inside a building, etc.?

Oh my goodness @Friday , yes, exactly, the reaction is not rational- which by it's nature is the tendency, with ptsd, I think? If nothing else, self-sabotage without trying to.

I am 1000 ways-and-then-some-grateful atm, so my response may be positively-biased (for once! :) ) . But happenings and realizations lately have led me to wonder this:

Our pivot points are individual, and they have to be true to ourselves/ nature. I realize just how much things people take for granted can be difficult for me. But all my good intentions in the world and efforts haven't actually taken in to reality-based what do I do, when I'm reacting, and quite frankly, to admit reacting is part and parcel. So are nightmares, flashbacks (sometimes), avoidance of anything and everything that reminds me of traumas and events, and a whole litany of other things. But I feel, I never really have accepted that. But if I do, and simply deal with that part (though I'd rather it didn't occur at all), then " it;s " sort of 'bad', but that doesn't mean "I" am (all) 'bad'. Like my analogy would be having narcolepsy- ( I don't have but do nearly pass out in severe confrontation)- well, if it happened it happened, and I'd do my best to predict and stop it from happening, and not drive if it was likely imminent, etc. I would however hope not to see it as consuming my character, or who I am, entirely. I know they say you shouldn't 'define' yourself with anything like that, but it's a fine line to not doing that but still accepting the differences to 'normal'/ average people! I think if a person can find 'words' to just say it it's easier. I suppose because I thought "it's in my mind" or "past" I should 'get over it'. And as a result keep experiencing what I have for a long time, but thinking it is further evidence of 'me', and consequently following suit with my decisions.

I am realizing, if I can turn off or re-direct my head and body, in ways that work for me, I avoid the rest following. And all the thoughts, (re)actions to my thoughts. Recognize, realize, and acknowledge what's occurring for what it is, not shake myself off the building, or have a panic attack or meltdown of impending terror standing on a step stool, like you said! These are things I guess that if I look back, remained the same: same challenges, same way my body or mind defaults, for a very long time post-trauma. It wasn't 'always' me, but it has been for a long time. I can't be the (very) old me, but maybe that's ok?

So my pivot point, is doing what makes my mind, heart and soul feel good and at peace, to the extent I can. And fortunately, being concerned about others is probably the biggest part of that.

Thanks so much @Friday . :hug: This probably doesn't make sense but I tried. :rolleyes::)

Ps, I think I'm going to consider my reactions and anything ptsd-related like I would an allergy to peanuts! :)