What Should I Do?

[NaeNae75]

As most of you know, we are in the middle of our annual break up. He's recently started therapy finally too, but says he's worried it isn't helping. But he deliberately is pushing me away harder than ever and is admittedly more angry.

So it's been almost 2 months since this break. They typically last about 2 months, but have up to 5 on the worst one 6 years ago. (We've been together 8.5 years).

In the past and currently I don't see any one else during these periods. I typically just do my own thing and focus on my own therapy (for my own PTSD) .

I've heard it gets worse before it gets better with therapy, but I don't think I really know what that means or what to expect.

Honestly, I was fairly content to just do like normal and really focus on myself. I have a lot of new stuff I want to try in therapy.
We are still talking, it's been okay. We see each other about once a week, but he makes it awkward sometimes. He's so busy making sure we aren't together he doesn't just live in the moment.

Stuff is so askew that I'm okay with it taking some time to get back together, but it's not awesome to worry. So here's the question... I'm turning down dates pretty regularly. Everyone else in my life is mad I keep turning them down. I tell everyone I'm not ready for another relationship, especially with someone new. They keep saying it can be as friends.
Example, a guy I met in my PTSD supporters class by NAMI is also a Vet and works for the vet center. He invited me to go to a Yellow Ribbon event near us, about 2 hours away. He had been inviting everyone in the class. Well after class, he asked if I wanted to go. I said maybe, but then he suggested it as a date for the weekend! Or to go to the movies sometime. I told him I have no interest in straying from K, and was shocked he would suggest it.
I mean, it's your job to be supportive of the vets, and we are in a class for supporters! He said, he's taking you for granted and knows he can just pick up without skipping a beat any time he wants. You're teaching him that. Then he said it could be as just friends, but would make him realize he shouldn't take me for granted.

I'm clearly not thinking straight (based on other threads). Everyone in my real life says I'm stupid for turning down dates, and he needs to learn this lesson. But if I went, even as a friend, it would somehow feel like cheating to me. They constantly remind me he broke up with me...again.

But in my view, this is what he does when he's hurting. It's not right, but it's what he does. I have zero proof he will come back again, but if history dictates, it's likely.

The last thing I want to do is put a nail in the coffin, but I don't want to be naive either... I'm often to opinions from both supporters and suffers.... please help me figure this out.

 

[ladee]

Ya'll have been together for a good while now. You know his patterns. Ya'll are talking, and he is in therapy. Try not to let others opinions sway you one way or the other.

And dating someone to teach him a 'lesson' does not sound like a 'self caring' thing to do. Just my take on it. Being in a relationship has it's own rhythms and beats. If things are good when he comes back, then eventually he will stay.

It depends on what YOU want and how YOU feel, and what YOU are willing to do. Sounds like you have a healthy approach to his being gone. You are not setting at home going crazy, you have come up with some healthy things to do while he is gone...

And no one knows, but him, what he is doing this for and why. It's not being 'taken for granted' if you have it worked out and have plans for when he is away. No one can tell you what to do here,or even imply what he is doing. That is not fair to him.

If you are ok with the way things are, then follow your gut and your heart. When and if you get weary of the pattern, then, giving yourself some time between relationships would benefit you in the long run...

And if someone want to take you out,,,, it is rarely because they only want to be friends for the duration... Do what feels right to you. What works for you and your guy.

 

[grimalkin]

I've found that we sometimes have to walk a fine line between what is said and what is done. My sufferer hated the phrase "actions speak louder than words," generally when he was symptomatic, because his words might say "I love you to the moon and back," but his actions were another matter. Then, it flipped, and I finally insisted that his actions and words match. He was telling me he was breaking up with me, we were divorcing, but his actions were as if nothing had happened. So, I told him if he was leaving me, then leave. No more pet names, no more plans for the future, no more.

And then I started making my own plans. And refused to help him with his. I took him at his word, that we are broken up, and I picked up the pieces of my life, and figured out where to go from there.

lol, I had a whole long post ready, and then I read @ladee's. Basically, ditto. You know his patterns. You don't owe anyone else an explanation. You just need to truly focus on yourself and your own needs. Maybe he needs to hear that if you're broken up, then act like it. Maybe not. Maybe eventually you'll be ready to date, maybe not. And maybe if he questions you about it, he needs to be reminded that he dumped you, and that means you live your life and he lives his.

It's been 2 years and I'm still not ready to date - possibly not even my sufferer (we have a lot of talking to do before that step even).

So yeah, on one hand, you know how he is. On the other - take him at his word and live accordingly.

 

[ladee]

Another thought to add to my original post. IF YOU want to date others, then YOU break up with him. That is empowering and sets you free. But again, you seem to be doing ok with the way things are. Just take care of yourself, regardless.

 

[Freida]

've heard it gets worse before it gets better with therapy, but I don't think I really know what that means or what to expect.

I was a wreck when I finally got to dealing with the traumas and I'm pretty sure I took it out on hubby simply because I couldn't leave. There was no money to pay both our mortgage and rent for an apartment.

Dissociated mostly - trying to dig up this horrible stuff while working and having a life. Frustrated, sleep walking, short tempered, isolated, suicidal. I was pretty much terrified of my own brain for months on end because I never knew when it would reach out and bitch slap me with yet another horrible picture. I truly think of we had the means bailing would have better for both of us. I couldn't think. period. It was taking all I had to stay same enough to function. There was nothing left for him. He's stuck it out...So far

I guess the question is --- do YOU want to date someone? If yes, what is stopping you from doing it? If no, why is it a question you have to defend? It sounds like you have the answer you want but people in the outside don't agree with you so you are second guessing. And why the rush to date? It's been two months. How much longer will you give him?.

Maybe some couples counseling would be good? As a way for both of you to learn how to support each other thru this? And yea he's gonna balk at that but.....

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m of the opinion that advice from outsiders (those who’s lives are not touched by ptsd in one way or another) be taken with a grain of salt. Yes, they may care, but they’ll never understand. You do what feels right to you.

Also, even if you two were broken up, and it was definitely over, who says you need to start dating right away? I never understood this mentality. You date when YOU are ready, not when friends and family push you to. I always hated it when people saw singledom as some sort of disease that needed to be cured.

 

[Friday]

What do you want to do?

 

[TTC18]

Does your annual breakup get negotiated? I mean... do you talk about it when it happens, like, OK, this is our annual breakup, and here's why I need it, and here's how it's going to look, and so on? or... is it just that every year, he breaks up with you and then you wait for him to take you back? Because if you talk about it, it's more like a separation, but you're still in a relationship... And if he's just breaking up with you and insisting that no, you're not in a relationship, but you're just thinking/hoping that he'll come back again, because he does every other year, well..... That sounds pretty stressful. The uncertainty, I mean. Clearly you love this guy, if you've stayed with him for so long. But is he good for you?
I think my advice would be a mirror of everything else here - do what's best for you.
If you get a crush, and the guy asks you out, and you're not in a relationship with K, then you should be able to go on that date.
If you're not interested in any of the guys asking you out, it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not.
If you feel like you ARE sort of in a relationship - and a guy asks you out, and you WANT TO GO, then I think you need to have a candid talk with K about it. For closure if nothing else.
What would you do if you found out he was seeing someone else during these breakups? And - does he know that?

 

[NaeNae75]

If you are ok with the way things are, then follow your gut and your heart. When and if you get weary of the pattern, then, giving yourself some time between relationships would benefit you in the long run...
And if someone want to take you out,,,, it is rarely because they only want to be friends for the duration... Do what feels right to you. What works for you and your guy.

Another thought to add to my original post. IF YOU want to date others, then YOU break up with him. That is empowering and sets you free. But again, you seem to be doing ok with the way things are. Just take care of yourself, regardless.

I don't like the break ups, but I understand them. I think I asked the question in here because I need to counteract the noise from those "well meaning" people out here. I agree that time is what I need most. I've never had a bond with anyone on earth like with him. Even if we didn't get back together, I have nothing but love for him. I know this is hard for him to, because he has told me.
I agree that if this other guy wanted to be friends, he wouldn't feel the need to ask me out, I don't think. It sounds like his reasoning may be self serving. I'm not interested in him, or anyone else. I think I only considered it because of all of the noise from everyone else... they're big time pushing me.
I think you're right, this is genius! If I ever do get to the point I'm interested in someone (doubtfully) then breaking up with him would fix that it feels like cheating.
Thank you so much for this! Is it funny that I feel like you guys are my people, and not the ones that love me? I know they mean well, but they don't get it.

It's been 2 years and I'm still not ready to date - possibly not even my sufferer (we have a lot of talking to do before that step even).
So yeah, on one hand, you know how he is. On the other - take him at his word and live accordingly.

Again, this resonates with me. I'm not ready to date mine right now either. He needs this time to figure out his crap, and frankly, so do I. I am living accordingly, and taking the time to really try to become the best me that I can. I have a mountain of books I want to read, and a mountain of work to catch up on.
You should be so proud of yourself! You are inspirational! Thank you for your support!

I guess the question is --- do YOU want to date someone? If yes, what is stopping you from doing it? If no, why is it a question you have to defend? It sounds like you have the answer you want but people in the outside don't agree with you so you are second guessing. And why the rush to date? It's been two months. How much longer will you give him?.
Maybe some couples counseling would be good? As a way for both of you to learn how to support each other thru this? And yea he's gonna balk at that but.....

What do you want to do?

No, I don't want to date anyone. I'm not even tempted. In fact, I think I was sort of offended. OMG...I just realized what my nightmare last night meant! Such a sidetrack, but thank you for the self awareness. I had a dream I was attacked by a man last night that had some sort of obscure public service position. I had to report it to some special judge because of his "position " how did I not correlate this until just now.
I felt him asking me out was self serving and inappropriate. Of course the worthless feeling little girl in me was flattered someone thought she was beautiful. But the rest of me was aghast. Like, did this guy even listen to me in there? Nope, no rush here! My irl people are just going to have to understand and back off, or they'll get cut out.
I'm waiting for the right time to ask him. I think couples counseling with the right person woukd be great. I hope we can get there.

Also, even if you two were broken up, and it was definitely over, who says you need to start dating right away? I never understood this mentality. You date when YOU are ready, not when friends and family push you to. I always hated it when people saw singledom as some sort of disease that needed to be cured.

You're so right! It isn't a disease to be single. I'm good at it too. You're also right at seeing it as "even if". Thanks for the reminder, Eve! I need to be stronger at telling them to back off. Part of the problem is I'm weak right now... overwhelmed. Even more reason to know this is a bad idea. I agree with you, and I'm not ready.

Does your annual breakup get negotiated? I mean... do you talk about it when it happens, like, OK, this is our annual breakup, and here's why I need it, and here's how it's going to look, and so on? or... is it just that every year, he breaks up with you and then you wait for him to take you back? Because if you talk about it, it's more like a separation, but you're still in a relationship... And if he's just breaking up with you and insisting that no, you're not in a relationship, but you're just thinking/hoping that he'll come back again, because he does every other year, well..... That sounds pretty stressful. The uncertainty, I mean. Clearly you love this guy, if you've stayed with him for so long. But is he good for you?

What would you do if you found out he was seeing someone else during these breakups? And - does he know that?

We try to talk about it in between, and it just always goes out the window when he's in protection mode. I've asked him, and he's trying to protect both of us. His words will say no, it's different this time, we really need to be done. But then we talk everyday and make plans etc. He also says he loves me and wants what's best for me. It's funny he hasn't figured out yet it's him. Other than this, he's amazing. Even "apart" he tries to be supportive and encouraging to me. He's never cruel about it, he just gets overloaded and shuts down. I know he realizes when he's on his emergency backup generators, he doesn't have to use his resources for me, because I have my own full power still on. I think people who don't understand that see it as him being selfish to leave like he does. But really, if you look at it this way, it might be selfish to want some of his energy when my own supply is sufficient.
He knows if he started seeing someone, it would be hard for me to continue to be supportive and talk everyday. He does know it. He has said he has no strength to be with anyone else. But I should find someone better that can fulfill my needs... but I already have that person, it's me!

 

[ladee]

What an awesome sharing !!! You are so right. You have you. And those that are uninformed or simply stepping over lines giving their opinions, can be told, 'thanks, but I've got this!'

Glad you can now tell people to stop crowding you... Hope you keep adding to your 'Self Care' and either way, you win !!!

 

[NaeNae75]

What an awesome sharing !!! You are so right. You have you. And those that are uninformed or simply stepping over lines giving their opinions, can be told, 'thanks, but I've got this!'

Glad you can now tell people to stop crowding you... Hope you keep adding to your 'Self Care' and either way, you win !!!

Thank you so much! I feel silly I considered being pushed into this. I mean, of course it's flattering to be asked out, but I'm obviously not ready.

I'll wait to see how his therapy goes, and if he decides he really doesn't want us, there's nothing I can do about that. If in the distant future I decide I'm ready then that will be different. I've never had a hard time getting a date. Even though I'm getting older, I'm still pretty and look younger than I am. Plus I'm okay financially. So with fixing myself emotionally, I'll be a perfect choice, lol (yes, that's me convincing myself).

I think I'm trying to learn this lesson once and for all so karma can stop bringing it too me to learn.

 

[NaeNae75]

I did give this guy my number earlier on, and I've noticed I don't get excited from getting texts from him. In fact, they make me cringe.
I've already made alternate plans for this weekend so it's easier for me to tell the others I don't want to do this.
I wish I knew that K is going to get better and want to fix this. I wish I knew how that is going to pan out, but that's not possible right now. It's not fair, but life isn't. I wish I knew what the truth was.

But my truth right now is that the only thing I should worry about is making myself whole.