Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Thanks for the hug, @Kubash16 :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

I wish she would work on her own stuff so I wouldn't have to.

You really don't have to either way.
That's the hard part to accept, I know.

I try soooo hard to make my mom *feel better* so things aren't as awful, when in all honesty she's the one who has to make it better for her, she's just a part of this relationship as I am and so she has responsibility as well.

This makes my heart break for you, because I do know you don't HAVE to work on your mother's stuff. You really don't.

:hug:
I'm sorry December is so hard.

 

[Freida]

Brandi might be a good question for emdr -- you have brought her up quite a bit recently so that whole situation seems to really be on your mind. Maybe you are getting ready to let it go???

 

[littleoc]

Ugh, maybe @Freida

There’s a lot to it, though. But it’s the memories of trying to keep her and my mom happy at the same time that’s bugging me.

My mom was my priority at first because she’s actually a good person. Going out of her way to help people. Including her ex-husband (not my dad, the sexist guy — she let him talk to her about how he found his mom after she committed suicide and how his dad got angry at him and said “you don’t cry over a woman”). Then Brandi took over and it got worse from there. I don’t think I feel like talking about it right now. I see my therapist for another no-charge appointment (my mom and I are gonna make her some pumpkin cookies to pay her with. She has two sons so a couple dozen will work great) this Saturday, and I can take myself (which my mom is very excited about) so that will be cool :)


@Sietz Thanks :hug:

I hate seeing people be sad. I know this house is bugging her. I suppose I’ll continue to stay out of it. I’m trying to prevent bringing it up.

Also remember being a toddler and cheering her up. I didn’t understand why that person refused to give us food. And was so mean about it. I assumed we could go anywhere else. My mom was trying to get us barbecue as a treat. My dad stole her money and she didn’t know it until we got there. She was crying while she was driving. She would normally get upset when I climbed out from under the seatbelt to move around the car, but that time when I did I wiped a tear off her face and told her we could just get pizza.

My dad stole from more kids than just us. I don’t get why he thinks I’m going to keep talking to him. Even third graders would know better.

 

[ILoveLife]

I get the empathy, and the sympathy, and the love you have for your mom. Not taking responsibility for her behaviors doesn't mean you need to dismiss all of your empathy, sympathy and love for her.
Simply means you're protecting yourself enough to not allow her mess to become yours.

You're your own person, completely independent from all of that stuff, and all of those people.

Acceptance of others' limitations doesn't mean compliance either. And not accepting others' trampling over your life only means you like yourself enough to self-protect yourself from all that mess.

I'm really not worried that you'll never see this, I think you will when you have enough distance and some more years of this.

I am worried however about the involvement. My situation isn't half as bad as yours and I feel completely suffocated by all this, blaming myself and my pathologies (or lack of them), and obsessing about ways to get out. I can imagine how you feel.

No need to excuse your mom's behavior. No one blames her for how she dealt with life, we just think she had the responsibility to protect you above all else. She continuously, to this day, denies that responsibility.

My mom is not an abusive person per se, she has abusive behaviors sometimes, but mostly she's dysregulated and that affects me.
I know the difference between being in an abusive situation and the situation I'm in now. I also know that I had the right, as a living being, to be protected and wasn't. And that's on her, and my father. I'm trying to not say anymore that my mom was okay comparing with my father, because that's not how it works. They were parenting together, whether they liked it or not, and they both had different roles.

I do honestly believe it makes your life easier to not attribute that on your mom, because going down that route you feel completely abandoned and defenseless. But that's not really the case, we don't lose them, the only thing that changes are the dynamics, and that is hard and painful, but healing.

Ok :hug: coffee.

 

[ILoveLife]

She continuously, to this day, denies that responsibility.

By this I mean, the way you both live due to her behaviors.

 

[littleoc]

That makes sense. I will have to think about that.

I definitely have noticed that I have lost my mutism problem for nearly everyone except my mom. She keeps getting... defensive. Me telling her the other day that the cat hit her (her claws weren’t even out) because she yells at her so often. I gave up mid sentence because no words were coming out.

Why do you think your situation is half as bad as mine, though? I sort of felt like it was the same for you. Are you minimizing or am I? :0

 

[ILoveLife]

I gave up mid sentence because no words were coming out.

Maybe it isn't mutism but simply "this isn't worth words anymore"-ism :)

Are you minimizing or am I? :0

I think we both are.
Here's two CAfOMs - one for me and one for you. ??

 

[littleoc]

Maybe it isn't mutism but simply "this isn't worth words anymore"-ism :)

Hm. Maybe. I suppose it’s been enough years since I started talking. Lol






..... also I love getting trophies!!! It might be because I was that generation that would get trophies even if they lost?? Lol?

 

[ILoveLife]

I was thinking about this:

I definitely have noticed that I have lost my mutism problem for nearly everyone except my mom. She keeps getting... defensive. Me telling her the other day that the cat hit her (her claws weren’t even out) because she yells at her so often. I gave up mid sentence because no words were coming out.

Wonder if you think that if you can't be empathic and supportive you can't communicate at all?
Your mom definitely depends on your empathy and support all the time, like oxygen, so it's fairly normal for you to have the subconscious idea that if you confront her with something, you better not say anything? Particularly given her reactions?

I'm very much the same. In family settings I only say jokes, and at home it's starting to be that way too. I can't seem to communicate properly with them.

 

[littleoc]

Yeah, that might be it. Come to think of it.

Except I don’t know if she actually needs me, or if I just think she does. But I am the super empathetic kid. Empathetic enough that adults were afraid of me as a kid. Including pedo. So maybe it’s a mix.

It was the main reason I didn’t break up with Brandi. Or tell her it wasn’t real. I was hurting her.

 

[littleoc]

And why i befriended Brandi. I felt that scary/depressed/dysregulated people shouldn’t be lonely either. And, my sister wanted me to get a friend before high school so I’d be saved the humiliation she had. Nobody wanted to be her friend once she did deugs. They claimed she was trash. It still makes me angry. She was sixteen with a dying mom, and two near-death experiences. They should have offered support.