Supporter Supporting my wife who has PTSD

[RSouth]

Thank you so very much. I deeply appreciate your concern and encouragement. I will come here for encouragement and have set up counseling as well to help navigate what I have ahead of me. For her, she has mostly closed herself off from me and all of her family. It seems now like the person who she is having this sickening affair with is very manipulative and controlling. One family member as suggested, with seeing her personality completely change from a sweet and caring wife to someone we none know, could be that he is giving her elicit drugs to control her. Seems like when he is around her she seems to do what he says and can't think for herself.
This is going to be a tough journey but I will continue to learn as much as I can and not abandon her until it becomes clear what I should do. I know that this time period is critical after learning of such a horrible life event and I want to get it right as best I can.
Thank you again for the support and encouragement it means a lot to have others to share my heart with in a safe place.

 

[blackemerald1]

It seems now like the person who she is having this sickening affair with is very manipulative and controlling.

could be that he is giving her elicit drugs to control her. Seems like when he is around her she seems to do what he says and can't think for herself.

^^I think counselling should be a priority for you right now.

I am concerned that you are blaming the third party for all of your wife's actions. I do understand that this person is complicit, no argument there...but your wife is and remains solely responsible for her own actions and please do not start placing all of the responsibility for what has happened on the other party. Your wife was in the marriage with you. She entered into and apparently has understood the terms and arrangements of her relationship with you. Not ptsd nor someone else mitigates those terms.

Highly unlikely she was brainwashed, drugged, or coerced by other means into an extramarital affair. If you go down that road, as tempting as it may be, it will probably be a waste of your time.

 

[RSouth]

Thank you.. There seem to be a lot of moving parts with this whole ordeal that I'm still learning for sure and appreciate your input. Yes, at the end of the day it was her decision even though she continued to deny the affair. She has displayed bazar and extremely erratic behavior such as going missing over night after having dinner with a girlfriend, not returning home, leaving our son alone by himself overnight and then not remembering where she spent the night. She says she loves me and wants our marriage but she is no longer the person I married. does not know who she is and can not recall anything she did last week. She mentioned that she is self harming herself, has moments she described as, putting on her shoes but can see herself from above while she is putting on her shoes. He hands look odd to her when she looks at them and pictures of herself she says in her mind do not look like her. There are just so many things happening that I seem to try to look at every possible angle and cause of this behavior. The reason I'm considering the 3rd party could be drugging her is that he was involved in a car accident with injuries filed several lawsuits and was prescribed a number of drugs for his condition. My wife was perfectly normal until he entered the picture in late summer as he was instructed to do community volunteer work. My wife operates a early childhood learning center with very young children in her care. Odd mix how he ended up there vs say volunteering at many other community places that have a greater need then what she did. I was very worried about him being around very young children and once I met him I knew he was trouble just by how he would look at me with anger even the very first time I met him. Once he came into the picture, my wife started changing like a complete personality shift. I even asked her if it was possible that he was slipping drugs of some sort while he was there because of how drastically her personality was beginning to change. She even begin to question it as well so I asked her to please not allow him to return. She did and things seemed to improve for a few weeks when he was not around. Then somehow he managed to convince her to let him continue to volunteer which I didn't know and then again I started to see her change again. For instance, she and I had a wonderful date night and next morning in late October, by that same afternoon I get a text message from her telling me she had packed my belongings that were there at her learning center, straight out of the blue when the evening before and morning we were extremely close and very happy. So when I got there, he was there, on her computer signing out children when he is not supposed to have any access to those children's information and their families. She was about a foot away from him just looking at him when I surprised them when I walked in. She had removed her wedding rings and had a strange grin on her face. I escorted him to his vehicle and told him to leave and not return. That evening she broke down and said I don't know why I just did that, it makes no sense why I would do such a crazy thing and I do not even remember taking off my wedding rings. She cried in my arms and kept apologizing and said she didn't know what was happening to her. Bad things happen to her when he is around. which makes me feel he set a trap using drugs to control her to the point now he's even bold with me as if he's taken my wife and there is nothing I can do about.. Like he now owns her and controls her. She has been back and forth with me, telling me she loves me and wants our marriage but says I've F--up everything and I'm no longer the person you married.

She says she does not know who she is now but she knows that we had a great marriage and that I'm a good husband who deserves better then her. It just kills me to hear her put herself down. She called me a few night before I discovered the affair was real, telling me she was having a time period of clear thinking and wanted to call me to tell me she loves me, wants our marriage and is so sorry because she knows she is hurting me and that she honestly is not meaning to. She said nobody or nothing thing can help her and that she can't seem to find herself and dose not know what is happening to her. She said that She loves me very much and was hoping the new medication she had just started would stabilize her and get back to normal so that we could resume our marriage being together. Then before the next morning she is missing and not at her place having left our son alone all night.

I went to check on her at her learning center at 8:30 AM and found her totally incoherent while trying to care for the children in her center. I helped her walk, she would have fallen over had i not held her up, to her back office where she could lay down. I watched the children for a few hours while she rested which was really illegal but she was in no condition at all to even stay awake let alone keep the children safe. Once she woke up and returned to her class room she tried to minimize what had happened. I told her she needs to get extensive help and she agreed. Right away I went to work trying to get her into a program to get help her. I found a program and they did intake over the phone with her but she refused to disclose all the bad things that have been happening to her so I had to call them back and give them the full disclosure of symptoms. It was later that day that I discovered the affair when I returned to check on her and he was there with her, in front of all her children in her art center where they were cuddled up totally ignoring the children. I confronted them and asked her, pointing to him, is this what you want, do you love him, she said no. I love you and I only removed my rings again because of a art project.. Which she never does.. He had left her a childish love note to my wife, saying I love you very very much forever, signed by him made with a felt pin on her glass desk top in the shape of a heart. I said to him you're a sick person to write such a note to my wife, he glared at me saying...Oh yes.. I wrote that... did you like that?? I wanted to explode as you can imagine. This guy is married too and I then asked if his wife knew what he was doing preying on y wife, He called me some colorful names and said go ask her you piece of garbage.. It was ugly.. I left and have not talked to my wife since that which was Wednesday. She has made no attempt to contact me. She asked me on Tuesday to move past my pain that she knew she was causing and to find someone wonderful because she said she was too far gone to ever be any good for me. It hurt so deeply to hear her to say such things when our marriage has been nearly perfect for 12 years with hardly an argument. We have always been each other best friend with 0 issues to suddenly develop into this insane chaos and drama. The only thing that has changed is when this creep showed up and all hell has broken lose in our lives and our marriage. This is way I say, it seems he has gained control over her against her will.She even said that she loves me right in front of him but she has not contacted me to tell me she is breaking it off with him so I have to assume he is controlling her against her will. She seems to be caught in a evil snare and does not know how to get out is exactly how I feel. The whole issue of leaving our son alone overnight, not remembering where she stayed overnight, self harming her self, wanting to end her life but saying she does not have the nerve to do and for me not to worry, taking 3 prescriptions that I know of, refusing to return texts or calls form me and most of her family, but does take calls from the parents of her students. Bazar unexplained behavior, such as falling asleep in her class room with children present, refusing to keep the 3 party away from her students, having been reported to social services for neglect by one of the parents and her school has turned into a zoo, no control over her students, total chaos, not cleaning her school with several day old food in pans and open containers, trash piled up both inside and outside the door where parents have to walk right by it to bring their kids to her personal hygiene. She wears the same clothing for several days , not showering or even washing her hair. This is not my wife...all this started when the 3rd party took over and began to control her.

She has said that she knows she can't live this way and knows it's all going to fall apart soon but she is in denial that she needs help, extensive help.

I'm sorry for the long post but it does help to get it out and read what I'm living right now. My heart hurts for her as I truly do not believe she would do these things if she was not being controlled as none of this even resembles who my wife is. She is a very intelligent person with her doctorate in early childhood education. I know that elicit drugs are very available now days and do not screen their victims and impact every walk of life. I feel that the 3 party has preyed upon her and she is caught in a snare. All of this behavior is not who my wife is or how she has conducted her life. We are a very devout Christian family and she now says she no longer believes in God. All this is just so bazar and evil..

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @RSouth - don't mind the long post - it's good to get it out. I can see why you are upset.

If I was you, and I know there would be a lot more information that isn't written down here,... but just on what you have described there are a few really important things you could focus on.

1. Get treatment for yourself,
2. Is your son with you or with your wife? Age? I'd be getting legal advice to ensure the safety of your son - immediately.
3. Children at that early childhood centre could be injured or become sick - by the conditions you describe - are you authorised to take it over or if not, report it the to authorities. You really ought to do this immediately too.

Children are innocent of all this rubbish that adults carry on with. Don't allow the children to be harmed. Ensure that harm is prevented regardless of your wife's feelings etc., The children are a priority.

Whilst this third party appears to be responsible for the wild behaviour of your wife - I really don't think he is. I am sure if your wife wanted to do so she could get rid of him from her life. She's done it before... what is stopping her doing it this time? Taking off wedding rings whilst she is in his company hmm... you know that's not looking positive.

I know this is really hard for you to accept right now but your wife is actually still responsible for what she does.

If her mental health is so bad - and it doesn't sound good at all, though what might be what is for a professional to sort out - then she needs to get treatment. You will not be able to force treatment on her.. it is and always will be her responsibility to seek treatment. You can help her if she want to let you but you cannot force her.

You cannot force her to return to the marriage either. This is where you might need a lot of support too. Regardless of how perfect you believed the marriage was, and it could have been.... she does not have to return to it or you. I know this is hard to understand but it's the way it is.

I told her she needs to get extensive help and she agreed.

Yeah - probably bc you caught her out and she thought agreeing with you would calm you down and possibly appease you. She's got to want to do it and then she's got to actually go and do it. Whatever it takes... hospital, outpatient programs, medications, therapy... on an ongoing basis. Blaming her behaviour on a health condition and the company of a bloke isn't stacking up imho.

No point blaming behaviour on an illness that is entirely manageable if she chooses to not obtain help from a professional and change that same behaviour.

Sorry my compassion for bad behaviour is at sub zero levels... a lot of what she is doing is not attributable to ptsd. She may have other undiagnosed mental health issues and even addiction issue's but again, apart from protecting yourself, your son and those children in that childcare centre - you cannot force anything else to happen.

in front of all her children in her art center where they were cuddled up totally ignoring the children.

^^So she's not frightened of him... she's wanting to be with him. She has so many options if she does not. She could tell you. She could call the cops. She could lock him out of the childcare centre... and a dozen more options...

because she said she was too far gone to ever be any good for me.

^^You do know this is a common way of saying "I want to get out of the relationship with you but don't have the guts to say so" - telling you this golden oldie ... is supposed to give you a pretty good heads up that she's not wanting to be with you anymore. Lots of people say "I'm not worthy' when they want out. It is common.

If she was only saying that but otherwise trying hard to maintain the relationship... it could be ptsd doing it. But she's not so be wary of that line...

to suddenly develop into this insane chaos and drama.

^^Yes this is all drama. You have to keep calm and not get sucked in. Stay in control, avoid conflict with both your wife and the third party and avoid ultimatums. I know it's so hard. You must be really shocked and upset.

Get ahead of the drama and realise that no matter what happens you are still responsible for your own behaviour and she is for hers.

it seems he has gained control over her against her will

^^This is rubbish and I'm guessing you probably know this. You just want it to be so. You want your wife to come back to you and your perfect marriage. He doesn't have control and he isn't making her do things against her will.

She actually has 'free will' and you should be well acquainted with that concept. And further, she gets to keep her free will but she also is accountable for her actions such as losing the marriage, care of her son and possibly her childcare centre. That's free will.. and she can exercise her rights to it at any time. We all do.

so I have to assume he is controlling her against her will

^^Mistake! Don't assume anything. He is not controlling her. Maybe influencing her decision's but that's a long way short of control. She is in control and she still has choices but you don't like what she is choosing.

This is not my wife...all this started when the 3rd party took over and began to control her.

^^Another mistake...sorry... the third party did not take over your wife's brain. This isn't some love struck teenager submitting to peer pressure. You perception here is distorted bc you are upset with what has happened.

Your wife invited him into her life... twice...and the second time knowing that you would not be agreeable with him returning to volunteer in such proximity to your wife.

You don't have to like him or his 'relationship' with your wife one little bit. But don't fall into the trap of thinking he's controlling her by any means.

The only issue I have with the third party... apart from thinking anyone that wants to play around and cheat isn't high on my list of good characteristic's - is that he is doing voluntary work... why? Is he on probation or parole or some other Court Order? If you saw him in the childcare centre in areas where he was not authorised... then report it.

@RSouth - I may be sounding a little harsh with my responses... I don't mean to... I am so sorry this has happened. Relationships really do go bad very quickly at times. Get some unbiased professional advice for yourself both personal and legal.

:hug:

 

[Mytime]

I’m sure it must of felt good to get all that out in your post. You have a lot going on and I’m sure your in your head a lot. Trying to figure out what went wrong or how you ended up in this place and pain. I would like to ask you to read your post as, your reading it as my post. I see so many red flags and I’m wondering if you would see them too. Sometimes we have to look at others actions and not so much on what they say. Your wife has to be the one to seek help, if she feels she needs it. Sending support.

 

[RSouth]

Thank you both very much. I will re-read all that was written and take it in. That is very much a help in this painful time of my life. I have to move into acceptance and reading it all again I think will help.
Thanks again very much.

 

[littleoc]

Take care of yourself :hug:

Really glad, more so now, that you found us.

 

[LuckiLee]

Who is taking care of your son? It sounds like you may need to get a lawyer to make sure he's taken care of properly. HE should be your first priority. It scares me that she's in charge of children! Her employers should know what's going on. Innocent people are involved here. Stop worrying about your marriage and do right by the children.

 

[EveHarrington]

.....or, it could be that the hell of remembering is causing her to WILLINGLY take mind altering drugs so that she can escape the daily hell that is her life, and this guy is just a willing supplier.

Please report her to the state. If you don’t, you’re a willing participant in the facilitation of childhood neglect. She may lose her license over this, but it would be rightfully so as she is in no condition to take care of children.

I understand your concern, but I think your explanation for things is a bit off the mark. It’s amazing how people can change.