Self Harm Feedback

[Sideways]

I’m at the dog park. Because this place makes me and doggo happy - it’s on the river.

I’m a little worried that maybe boss has crossed into possibly causing potential medical issues? It’s hard to type it out, but

Ok, so essentially not being able to fist myself was a disappointment. That got punished with dripping candlewax into where my fist was supposed to go, then flogging it with a cane. And that’s getting repeated before lunch and dinner. And I think maybe that’s potentially an issue (it wasn’t a fet candle, just a normal one). I’m worried about infection, or something. I’m not sure. And I’m not sure if that’s, what, do I shut it down? I’m not sure I can just now.

I think maybe I’m just freaked out, because candlewax is a pretty normal bdsm thing to use.

 

[Ronin]

Can you get a gyn appointment, soon?

And discontinue until you get that checked out / treated. (He does not have a right to demand anything that would further jeopardize your health. As in, playtimes wait. Health first. No fun in being sick.).

 

[Sideways]

Can you get a gyn appointment, soon?

I don’t think I’d be able to see a gyno even on a good day, especially now though because it’s really bruised down there. But I think it’s ok, I just have to disobey the instruction to do it again

 

[Ronin]

I just have to disobey the instruction to do it again

Yes, please do, and heal up as much as you can. :hug:

Edited to add: Could you see a gyn in some other city / an emergency meeting of someone you would see only for that emergency and not otherwise, if shame is a factor?

 

[Sideways]

an emergency meeting of someone you would see only for that emergency and not otherwise

It’s really not an emergency. I think it’s fine, it’s feeling okay now. Really it is.

 

[Ronin]

Makes sense. :)

Glad you are taking care of yourself, Sideways.

 

[Sideways]

I’m gonna say it while I still feel like I can, because I’m scared of the consequences and being committed:

I think it’s pretty close to being out of control. I think there’s stuff I did this morning practically in a trance, things I wouldn’t consciously have okayed for myself left to my own devices.

I’ll revisit that thought tomorrow.

ETA: I’ll tell boss I have a New Years lunch tomorrow, which will hopefully put a cap on our morning session and what we do (it’s boss’ evening so it has no limit otherwise). Then I might try and sit down with my parts and see if we can agree on a plan without one of my parts losing her shit and taking over. I think doc can convince her (hopefully) that would end badly, but consequences aren’t always a big draw card.

 

[Ronin]

Would said part feel better if you were out of contact with that guy for even a day or anything like that, and had space to think it through clearly?
(Wondering if, on top of things he is asking of you, the constant contact and control cannot be a pressure, for at least some of you. While you said to you it is a form of schedule and stability and all, thinking not all of you may feel that way about it?)

 

[Sideways]

I’m not sure I’d even classify this as SH anymore. I feel incredibly calm and functional pretty much all day. My mood was low briefly this morning - it was NYE where boss was and it occurred to me there might not be any contact at all. There was though, and it was brief, but my mood stabilised. Maybe I’m, like, happy.

I haven’t had a dom get in my head like this before. By now, they’ve always given me an instruction that just makes me go “That’s fked up shit, c-ya”. This one I feel...calm. I’ve gone past all my previous hard limits now, and I don’t feel worried. I don’t know how much further boss is interested on pushing me but that’s okay.

I described before that doing tasks it felt like I was in a bit of a trance. But it’s not a trance, because my head becomes crystal clear on my task and completing it, and the only thoughts that I seem to have (and they’re pretty much all the time I’m awake now) are “Show your gratitude, show enthusiasm”.

And I do. I’m incredibly careful to always be smiling. And I make a point of thanking boss, almost ritualistically, when I get a task (“Thank you boss”), when I send the completed pic/video (“Thank you boss”), and if I get any feedback, good or horrible (“Thank you boss”).

I don’t feel like I need to write about it anymore. I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m switched - if I am I’m not familiar with who I am, but I still make doggo an absolute priority so I think maybe this is just me. Calm, happy, fulfilled me.

ETA: either it’s really awesome that I’ve found a way to be happy in this world (yay, good for you Sideways), or that all sounds reeeeally unhealthy and unstable.

Maybe switch off the program boss talks to me through for 24 hours. I can say my dog got a paralysis tick. Good plan @Ronin . I think maybe my head isn’t in a healthy place right now.

Haha, maybe my abuser planted one of those trigger words in my head when he used to hypnotise me - that’d make me like a legit crazy person!

 

[Ronin]

Well there is clear, and there is feels clear, and isn’t...

All the more reasons to get out for a while till you can get yourself sorted.
That boyo will wait. (And using that language on purpose, because that is what he is: Just some dude, on the opposite side of the globe. He is not that boss role he assumed, a.k.a. not entitled to anything, and you do not have to do anything for him, or that he says.)

 

[Sideways]

I will not create an amatuer porn site for boss.

ETA:
I will not create an amatuer porn website for boss.

I will not create an amatuer porn website for boss.

I WILL NOT create an amatuer porn website for boss.

Will not. Will not. Will not.
Fk. Fk. Fk.

ETA
Gratitude and enthusiasm.
Fk.
I will not create an amatuer porn site for boss.

 

[Sideways]

Managed to tell boss that was going too far and I wasn’t ok with it. And the world did not explode - yay!