"Inner child" talk not helping?

[DogwoodTree]

I think we need to have some semblance of a mask forever - that’s autism - but maybe I can be in more control of that mask and what it looks like. It’s our protection and stripping that away completely does not appear to be a good idea, in my case, at least at the moment.

Yes, I agree with this. For a while, after first discovering my autism for what it is, I tried to slowly disengage the mask and become more "authentic" because honesty is important to me. But I realized so many of my intentions are then lost in translation, and so my efforts to be honest, resulted in severe misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Now I engage the mask on purpose in specific ways to try to communicate what I actually intend, even if it's not in a form that is native to me. This is very difficult and requires so much energy that I have to greatly limit my exposure to people, especially in unstructured situations. And there's always the fear that my "off-ness" is still getting through, that people are still picking up on things I can't help, don't notice, don't realize are weird. But I keep using feedback and learning and trying new approaches to finesse the mask and make it more effective.

 

[DogwoodTree]

The assignment didn't change how I feel about myself, much, except that it's a little hard to blame yourself for something once you appreciate just how much of it was totally beyond anyone's control.

I've done a little of this. Even as a kid, I spent a lot of time in my fantasy world where pretend people cared about me and protected me. But it was only a fantasy, and the nature of fantasizing itself seems weird and uncouth around people who had healthier, more supportive family experiences. I recently had a conversation with a couple of ladies at my gym who were talking about a weird guy that had stalked one of them for a little while. Some of the things they said were weird about him...were things that had, on one level or another, happened in my fantasies. And so I felt very ashamed that I had fantasized those things. I didn't call attention to myself in the conversation, but I felt very unsafe to discuss anything about my background with these kind, considerate, friendly women who clearly have a much better grasp of what's relatively "normal" and what's weird and off-putting.

At any rate, I think I've mostly moved beyond "blaming" myself for how I was treated. At the same time, I haven't figured out how to see myself in any other way than how I was treated. You know? Not my fault...okay. What to replace it with? No clue.

 

[Justmehere]

I have mixed feelings and thoughts about inner child work. I think a lot of people take it way too far. I also think that like all therapies, it works for some, and not others, and that’s ok.

I will throw out these three ideas:

1.) It doesn’t have to be about you as a child, but about the you who shows up today. I like that you focus on your inner adult. Neat idea.

2.) Love is a complicated term. For me, I have to break it down. I can’t love myself - the person that I was in the past or today. That just seems ridiculous and weird and too complicated. But I can do something to be kind to myself today. I can do something to be patient with myself today. Doing that can reach some of the same goals of loving the inner child. Because the past you isn’t here. It’s the you that you are today.

3.) Your therapist is pushing for inner child work in relation to boundaries with intimacy. That suggests to me that perhaps he is concerned you are not acting out of a healthy inner adult in this manner, so to speak. What do healthy inner adults do? They say no when they need to say no. Maybe if you build up that healthy inner adult, and maybe it will get at the goals your therapist is trying to reach.

I could also be totally off. If so, please disregard.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I can’t love myself - the person that I was in the past or today. That just seems ridiculous and weird and too complicated. But I can do something to be kind to myself today. I can do something to be patient with myself today. Doing that can reach some of the same goals of loving the inner child. Because the past you isn’t here. It’s the you that you are today.

Yes, this makes sense, actually. Not requiring a "warm, fuzzy feeling", but rather, offering myself concrete actions that resonate for me. I think I'm doing some of this already...self care, helpful self-discipline, self-protection in other areas, self-improvement efforts (like identifying areas that are causing problems and working on those). But to recognize these actions as "love"...gotta think on this.

That suggests to me that perhaps he is concerned you are not acting out of a healthy inner adult in this manner, so to speak. What do healthy inner adults do? They say no when they need to say no. Maybe if you build up that healthy inner adult, and maybe it will get at the goals your therapist is trying to reach.

Yes, I've been thinking I need to talk about this with him, as a result of this conversation. The "inner adult" idea didn't occur to me until when I posted about it earlier. It might be a more helpful focus to pursue...

 

[Justmehere]

But to recognize these actions as "love"...gotta think on this.

I wouldn’t get too stuck on what is and isn’t love. Maybe aim for the hopefully less complicated ways of aiming for self-kindness.

That being said...

Not requiring a "warm, fuzzy feeling", but rather, offering myself concrete actions that resonate for me.

Love isn’t always a warm and fuzzy feeling generally. Think about your kids. I bet you have done many loving things for them that didn’f always leave you feeling warm and fuzzy, but you do it anyhow. Everything from changing diapers, doing laundry, keeping calm when the child is throwing a temper tantrum, prompting them to buckle their seatbelts for the 100th time... (or whatever it is that you have had to remind them to do many times.) In fact, sometimes it can feel very annoying and exhausting. It’s still love. It’s still kind.

Sometimes, being kind to ourselves is a little like that. It feels annoying and exhausting. It’s still love.

 

[Nessa7]

One of the more bizarre homework assignments my T has come up with involved creating imaginary families. He says it's possible to "avail ourselves of resources we weren't actually born with." (Then he laughed when I rolled my eyes and said, "I was waiting for that". Anyway, he asked if I'd ever though about what it would have been like to grow up in a different family. I hadn't. (I'd actually spent a fair amount of time, as a kid, imagining having NO family. LOL) The assignment was to think about have different families are, as best I know it, and what it would have been like to grow up in different ones. What it might have "felt" like. What I might have learned from it, that I didn't actually learn. What I did learn that I might not have, etc. He said I didn't have to tell him about it, if I didn't want to, but that he thought it would be useful to do it.

Building on this idea, it might be helpful to imagine what it would have been like if you had been diagnosed with autism as a child and were able to get all of the support that is available today.

I came on the forums way way too late at night to be able to convey what I want to say effectively; however, from the perspective of an adult that has supported young women through various stages of that process, I think that supportive experience can make a really big difference.

 

[shimmerz]

If the feeling of regressing back to the child (which isnt' always wise) doesn't sit right, how about reaching your hand out to that part of you and teaching her about your adult self and how you life your life now? I was warned a few times actually not to regress backwards - that I could lose myself in her pain - but to extend the opportunity to bring the child forward. Walk with her so to speak so she can integrate in an upwards fashion rather than compromising my adult self by going backwards into dark times that perhaps are too overwhelming to escape from.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah... the inner child stuff wasn't helpful in any way for me either but as above... I did find it immensely helpful to endeavor to self parent myself in my affected/stunted/immature areas by way of character development and goal/challenges.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Building on this idea, it might be helpful to imagine what it would have been like if you had been diagnosed with autism as a child and were able to get all of the support that is available today.

But that's not what actually happened. I can't replace real memories with imagined events.

Even if I had been dx'd with autism early, and even if support had been offered through school, my family wasn't healthy enough to be supportive in all that. It actually feels sickening to think of relying on them for meeting any emotional needs, even as a kid. A lot of people in some FB groups I follow complain about their moms not ever asking them about their lives, or showing concern for their struggles and feelings, or being supportive. I don't want my mom to do those things for me. It sounds gross...repulsive...almost as bad as if I were to ask my kids to do those things for me (which I don't do, because I'm the mom and they shouldn't have to take care of me).

I had a miscarriage several years ago (before all this conflict between my mom and myself came to the surface)...it was the morning before she was supposed to leave the country for a mission trip. She mostly avoided the topic, but then at one point, she asked if I wanted her to stay for a couple of days and delay leaving for her trip to help me out. I hated the idea of her staying, and was sooo glad she was going away on a long trip when she wouldn't be around while I dealt with my emotions myself. Even though I wasn't yet aware at the time of how much control she had on me, because I was so deeply mired in people-pleasing her, I still knew absolutely for sure that I didn't want her knowing what I was feeling or how much I was hurting.

how about reaching your hand out to that part of you and teaching her about your adult self and how you life your life now?

I don't see the child I was as a being that exists now, even as a part of me. It's not someone I can have a conversation with. It just seems weird to pretend to have a conversation with someone who no longer exists.

I do have conversations in my head with people I know...with the mental representations of those people, at least (I'm fully aware they don't actually exist in my head, and that the thoughts I have of their "part" of the "conversation" are really only my thoughts). But the people have to actually exist in real life...currently. For example, when I was seeing my first T, I had mental conversations with him all the time...it helped to restructure my thoughts and challenge my assumptions if I could think about what he would say about a particular thought I was having. But after he moved away and I was no longer seeing him, it's like a light switch flipped off. His voice no longer existed in my head. I couldn't find it even when I tried. I even struggled to remember some of the things he had said that had been so pivotal for me at various times.

To try to have a mental conversation with me of 35 or 40 years ago...someone I didn't actually know but only saw from a limited perspective through my own darkness and ignorance...with the way my mind works, I don't think that's even possible.

I did find it immensely helpful to endeavor to self parent myself in my affected/stunted/immature areas by way of character development and goal/challenges.

I don't think of it as self-parenting so much, but I have found some mental space for both self-compassion and self-discipline. I've always been interested in self improvement, even as a teenager. I'm trying to recontextualize that away from such perfectionistic standards, though, and allow space for process, mistakes, and unknowing.

I used to desperately want someone to informally "adopt" me as my father figure. I wanted a father to see me for who I am and love exactly that and guide me through my growth process. But that effort of finding a father figure failed miserably. Now I'm more to a point where I'd rather reach a point of maturity that I don't need that anymore, or even want it.

 

[scout86]

I've read a couple articles lately that support the idea that we can use our imaginations to change the way our brains are "wired". (Couldn't figure out how to link to them from my phone, even I could remember where I read them. Sorry! But they were in apparently reputable journals.)

I guess the way I look at the imagination thing is pretty factual. To me, it's a fact that, to make any kid into the best possible adult, they need certain kinds of support growing up. There's stuff they need to learn. It's also a fact that I missed some of that. If I can understand what I missed, and where it would have taken me, I can imagine what I'd be like now, had circumstances been different. Then I can try to be like that. (Shrug) Not perfectly, obviously. It's a process. It reminds me of a saying they have in TX, "I wasn't born here, but i got here as fast as I could."

I can't imagine a different childhood with my actual mother. Imagining anything with her is too wrapped up in bad stuff. But, I had a good friend who "adopted me" as the sister he never had. I met HIS mother. She was wonderful. He adored her, like I imagine you "should" feel about your mom. I CAN imagine what it might have been like if he really WAS my brother and I really HAD grown up in their family.

It's not a cure all, but it changed my perspective some.

I've come to suspect that some, maybe all, of the discomfort i feel trying to "access my inner child" is a "symptom". I suspect the same of my personal objection to the idea of "parts". I don't understand it (yet), but, if that weren't the case I think my reaction would be more neutral than is. It feels too "dangerous" not to mean something. My T says he thinks I'm to hypervigilent to dissociate. I think that's a factor in how I feel about this topic too. To be able to really access that child I allegedly was, I have to, somehow, be able step outside person I am now and that just doesn't seem like an option. The thing about "symptoms" is, if you're going to get past them, you have to find a way to deal with them. I think trying to ignore them until you CAN deal with them is fine, but sooner or later, you have find a way to pick them apart, understand what's going on, and deal with them. That's the only reason I spend any time at all on this "parts" stuff. Otherwise? I don't know nothin' 'bout no 'parts'.

 

[DogwoodTree]

The thing about "symptoms" is, if you're going to get past them, you have to find a way to deal with them. I think trying to ignore them until you CAN deal with them is fine, but sooner or later, you have find a way to pick them apart, understand what's going on, and deal with them.

Yes, they have to be dealt with. But is imagining this inner child person and having conversations with that figment of my imagination the only/best way of going about this? The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards "no". Surely there are other ways of processing emotions that I experience today (regardless of when they started), and moving towards greater emotional maturity, without having to visualize myself as a child that I no longer am?

It seems like, instead of "outsourcing" these issues to this other, little person from my past, it might be more helpful simply to address the things in me now that need addressing, as myself, with here-and-now feelings and perceptions that can be explored, evaluated, and processed for the sake of continuing my own maturation. Whatever unresolved issues there are from my past, are in me now as assumptions, mental distortions, emotional blockages, or lack of knowledge. And I can use today-tools to deal with those things in me. I shouldn't have to pretend-time-travel to some imaginary version of the past to try to trick my brain into thinking something is true that isn't, or isn't true that is. Perhaps science has proven you can change the brain's wiring with imaginary facts--that wouldn't surprise me at all. But seems to me it's essentially brainwashing yourself. Maybe it works for some people, and that's awesome. But it feels really icky to me. It sounds more like avoidance and denial to me, than the ability to face and accept reality.

So, I guess my question now is, what are the alternatives? How does one go about seeking emotional maturation? What does emotional maturity look like (for real, not just the idealized version psychology bloggers describe)? What does it mean to really become an adult, on an emotional and relational and mental level? Awareness, acceptance, intentionality, humility, openness, boundaries. The ability to discern who I am beyond and underneath all the things that happen to me, the ways I respond, and the people in my life. There's space for exploring past events, but it seems to me that re-imagining it is counterproductive to the emotional maturity characteristics of awareness and acceptance.

I really don't want to belittle what's worked for other people. But I've tried various forms of "inner child" work and re-imagining the past for decades now, and none of it has been helpful for me. It's always felt icky and counterproductive, no matter the version I've studied and tried. And in some cases, it's been downright destructive. So I need other options. And maybe I'll have to pioneer my own way through. That's okay. I guess everyone has to do some of that. But...where might I look for people who have used alternatives successfully? What is the heart of the process I'm really going for here, where functionality increases and blockages decrease? Not in terms of one's "relationship" with their inner child, but in terms of ongoing functioning and relational processes and self perception in the here-and-now?

 

[shimmerz]

But is imagining this inner child person and having conversations with that figment of my imagination the only/best way of going about this?

No, not the only way. The problem is with developmental delays that come with early childhood trauma, it is the most obvious way. Lots of people find it helpful, but having said that lots of people find CBT helpful too but I cringe over the thought, so I get in my own way what you are feeling about it.

Have you read Pete Walkers latest book? Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. He worked through his own trauma and is a therapist as well. He has some pretty unique tools that may be able to give you some ideas.