Should I let my ex husband yell at me to keep the peace?

[Sideways]

So, husband is unwell.

Honest question, how is letting him yell at you actually helpful?

He says that yelling at you enables him to have quality time with his son. Does that make sense? Does that sound like a good strategy for managing any kind of mental health issue? Is there actually a problem with telling your son, “Dad’s not coming this weekend because he’s unwell”? Is there actually something detrimental to husband or son if you start setting healthy boundaries about acceptable behaviour?

Wanting to be helpful? Totally get that. Wanting to facilitate son to having some kind of relationship with his dad? Totally get that.

But, being yelled at? Isn’t helpful. And the idea that it facilitates a relationship between son and dad? Sounds like a distortion.

 

[mamachick]

As long as your asking this question, you are questioning the situation, and thus must be taking on some of his blaming. Kids are perceptive and know if your accepting some blame or feeling some guilt. Your ex is manipulative and his behavior needs dismissed, and if he screws up his situation, that is on him....nobody else.

 

[PreciousChild]

Still blackmail and still inexcusable.
:)

Agreed. In the past, I thought it was just a natural consequence of his bad childhood. But whether intentionally or not, he knows the exact threat that will trigger me most.

 

[PreciousChild]

So, husband is unwell.

Honest question, how is letting him yell at you actually helpful?

He says that yelling at you enables him to have quality time with his son. Does that make sense? Does that sound like a good strategy for managing any kind of mental health issue? Is there actually a problem with telling your son, “Dad’s not coming this weekend because he’s unwell”? Is there actually something detrimental to husband or son if you start setting healthy boundaries about acceptable behaviour?

Wanting to be helpful? Totally get that. Wanting to facilitate son to having some kind of relationship with his dad? Totally get that.

But, being yelled at? Isn’t helpful. And the idea that it facilitates a relationship between son and dad? Sounds like a distortion.

@Sideways , that makes so much sense. If only I had any when these things go on.

I do tell my son that his dad didn't pick him up because he's unwell again, not his fault.

Even as I wrote, should I let him yell at me? It sounded so wrong. Yet, my mind thinks this is possibly the better alternative. It's crazy.

 

[Sideways]

If only I had any when these things go on.

It’s probably going to take a plan, and some practice.

For example, a plan? Might be as simple as: when hubby starts yelling? I say “I’m hanging up now,” and I hang up.

Then you literally just practice. You’ll quickly get better at noticing in the moment “He’s yelling at me again”. If you have a clear, short, consistent response to that when you notice? It will get easier and easier, and it will encourage him to find other ways to manage those conversations.

 

[PreciousChild]

As long as your asking this question, you are questioning the situation, and thus must be taking on some of his blaming. Kids are perceptive and know if your accepting some blame or feeling some guilt. Your ex is manipulative and his behavior needs dismissed, and if he screws up his situation, that is on him....nobody else.

Thanks, @brat17.

I'm trying to see that objectively. I wrote this in previous posts, but one of my most dramatic realizations was that I blamed myself for my dad's attempted suicide. My dad, who was injured in a serious accident when I was 5, went from a narcissistic borderline personality sadist to one who lost control of parts of his body. I became his limbs. I spent my childhood crouching in a corner, ready to do my dad's bidding - changing his urinal, bringing his teeth brushing to him bed, washing out his spit cup, etc. etc. I can't even remember a single adult asking me how my day was one day in my entire childhood. Any deviation was met with punishments, some of which was just torture. Even before that, I had horrific experiences with him. When I was 11, he attempted suicide. I have not a single memory of what my reaction was. I realize now that I blamed myself for his near death. I have tried to redeem myself ever after. When I met my to-the-extreme-helpless, passive-aggressive ex, I met my destiny. He's even threatened suicide, knowing that I had that in my past. He has such a deep impact on me because he pushes every button that keeps me in tow. He has a GED and I have multiple post-graduate degrees. Yet, I have sacrificed my own goals for his over and over again. I am so baffled by my own choices.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you realize that you need no reason to say no other than “I don’t want to”...?

So what if he is the most miserable person on earth? (Well, really, not even close...) But if he was, that STILL doesn’t mean that you have to help him simply because your life is better by comparison.

You’re enabling his bad behavior. It’s time to set boundaries and let go.

Because when your son is older, it is going to hurt like HOLY HELL when he finds out that the “love” that his father had for him was manufactured by you.

And then, because of this elaborate lie, you may lose your son.

My mom has done some manufacturing of her own about how my dad loves me, and yes, it hurt.

 

[Ronin]

I am so baffled by my own choices.

Don’t blame yourself, don’t do that to yourself.

There is nothing baffling about making choices that you thought are protecting your child, the (actually) everything in the world a kid is, and a man you love / want to protect.

The word you are looking for is brave. Brilliant. BeingThere. Not baffling.
Just because he is a prickly asshole unworthy of a single thing you did and have done for him, does not make you irrational.

It is not your fault you try for a jerk like him. It is his fault he is such a jerk.

 

[PreciousChild]

Don’t blame yourself, don’t do that to yourself.

There is nothing baffling about making choices that you thought are protecting your child, the (actually) everything in the world a kid is, and a man you love / want to protect.

The word you are looking for is brave. Brilliant. BeingThere. Not baffling.
Just because he is a prickly asshole unworthy of a single thing you did and have done for him, does not make you irrational.

It is not your fault you try for a jerk like him. It is his fault he is such a jerk.

@Ronin, just thank you. That was such a nice thing to say and I really felt it. Gosh that was a nice shift in perspective.

@EveHarrington thank you. I see what you're saying. I have been deceptive but only insofar as I deemed it age-appropriate. When it wasn't sufficient to distract my son with a toy in order for him to forget his father was supposed to come, I started to explain he was sick, and then I explained addiction. I actually don't mind keeping some things out of his ears though, like the fact that his dad stole from his college fund to gamble. I just don't think that if a truth does more harm than good, that it has to be shared. I will save that fact though if he ever thinks about giving his dad money.

@Sideways thank you. I think those suggestions are excellent. I've somewhat tried that before, but I always lose heart because again I feel like my objections are so hollow compared to my ex's seeming misery. But in reading these posts, I'm really struck by people's reactions. I realize now that just because he hasn't hit me doesn't mean what he's done is any less serious and detrimental to my life. I have been stuck on repeat re-living some of the worst moments of my childhood. And my ex has had been in control of the power switch. I feel so much regret.

 

[LuckiLee]

You'll be surprised how he can change by just setting one boundary.... Tell him you won't speak to him when he's nasty. Then DON'T. Hang up. Stop the conversation a few times then he'll have no choice but to calm down if he wants to get his point across (if he even has one). Your job is protecting your son. Not your ex husband of 13 years. You're not helping him by letting him rant and rave at you. But you are hurting yourself. Good luck.

 

[Ronin]

I have been deceptive

IMHO that is not being deceptive, either.

You are trying to protect your child. (From something as nasty as how nasty Daddy* is, in fact. Kinda most ugly fugly there is in the world.)
(* I may be misreading here, prolly am, so my apologies for misassuming if so.)

You are communicating to the kiddo something is up. Even what.
And age approriately, too. All that? Honesty.

Parenting in hard circumstances and trying your best does not deserve to be labeled a deception. So, before you take THAT on.

But yeah, nobody gets to yell at you. Much less the person supposed to care for you. His yelling certainly don't add any peace to the home.
And his misery does not matter, as an excuse to be used as a weapon against you. There will be always a deeep suffering misery if he can manufacture it. Where is the caring for how miserable you are and your child is? THAT is the misery mattering in that scenario (as the only real one.)

 

[Sideways]

But in reading these posts, I'm really struck by people's reactions.

Remember this, yeah? Whenever you start to question yourself, this place is right here to get support you need:)