Other DDNOS - Faking??

[Sandstone]

I'm posting this here because it may be a DDNOS thing. Or just me. You'll see why I'm confused.

In therapy I'm almost always calm, detached, unemotional. I was commenting on how strange this is.
I'd been reporting a series of mind blanks, like forgetting to turn the oven on, then failing to notice it was cold when I put the food in, then coming back 30 minutes later to serve, only to find everything still uncooked. I observed that it was strange that I feel so little about so many things and report them with such detachment.

Later I used the word trapped, and suddenly had to stand up and open the curtain across her glazed door, to reassure myself there was a way out. Even then, my head felt as though it might explode.

Looking back on the session, that seems to me like confirmation I have been making all this up. Having drawn attention to the lack of impact, I then had to produce a symptom to prove there really was somthing wrong with me. At the time I wasn't consciously faking, but I think I must have been.

Month - years? - ago someone commented to me that eventually I'd have to make my mind up. But how? How do I work out whether I'm keeping the emotional stuff "over there", away from me, or whether I'm malingering?

 

[Sideways]

Denial and avoidance have been big in your symptom experience in the past. Are you able to address those with T?

Knowing that you shut it all down when you step into the therapy room (is common, I do it too) is helpful. Forewarned is forearmed.

If we need to address denial and avoidance and emotional shutdown in our next session because it’s preventing me making progress? Then I write it down now, while I can, and I simply hand it over when I sit down (in my case, I usually hand it over saying “but I don’t want to talk about this today”, which my T has now come to expect, and deals with accordingly!).

Malingering? No. Very typical given your diagnosis? Yup.

 

[Sandstone]

This doesn't seem reasonable to discuss in therapy, precisely because it seems to indicate that I don't deserve therapy

Part of my current homework is to say to my "inner child" ( which I mentally translate into EP) "it's OK, love, I believe you". But at the moment I don't. I try to reason my way into belief, but I end up with opposites.

I know my traumas happened, and they are likely to have had an effect.
But that doesn't count
Why not?
Because it isn't real
But you just said it was a known fact
It is, but it isn't real.

And while I know it can't logically be the case that it is real and not real, my brain has no trouble at all with running the two alongside each other, and wholly believing both simultaneously.

It's a horribly complicated place to live in.

 

[Sideways]

I don't deserve therapy

Am I right thinking that this is something you kind of believe?

“I’ve been trying to work through some of my issues at home, and I’ve realised I believe: I don’t deserve therapy”.

What would happen if you took something like that to your T?

 

[Cypress]

It sounds like you are dissociating which is pretty common amongst us. I dissociate a lot and have found that rather than talking about memories in therapy, it helped to just concentrate on identifying any feelings I might be having and really trying to stay connected to those feelings. Maybe that might help you too?

Do you really believe you don't deserve therapy or are you just completely scared about it? I know I am.

 

[whiteraven]

I know my traumas happened, and they are likely to have had an effect.
But that doesn't count
Why not?
Because it isn't real
But you just said it was a known fact
It is, but it isn't real.

This really resonates with me. Denying that something I *know* happened did, saying it isn't or wasn't real is something I have always done. I still do it with many things. I think it's very common among those of us who have experienced trauma.

It *really* helps to talk to my therapist about what I think isn't real. I won't kid you. Believing sometimes takes a long time. And you really have to stick with it. But it is so worth it. The burden is greatly lightened and the energy you use in denial can be redirected to moving forward.

 

[Abstract]

Oh, I relate to all of that a lot. For me personally I can look back and I see it as a trauma and denial symptom. A symptom of the dissociation. I am not in therapy so who knows what would happen if I went back in but this stuff has improved for me and as a result I can look at myself more clearly. It wasn't really quiet and calm internally. It was like raging chaos trapped in quietness and unrealness. With a whole lot of internal war going on that is hard to put into words. I suspect you need to approach by just putting one foot in front of the other until the chaos starts easing. I'm sure someone else has better ideas. But do sympathise.

 

[Ronin]

my brain has no trouble at all with running the two alongside each other

Time. :sneaky:
I try to run things past: Okay, it may not be real for now, but it will be real in a bit... what does it mean for me?
Or: It is real, how do I prepare for when it stops being (what do I need to remember it is real or was at some point in time)?
Or: What does it mean when not real, and when real?

And usually meaning oriented more, than the literal happenings. The literal happenings are just something I drive myself nuts by when I lose the threads tying them / when depression overtakes bad and life is f*ck all sense.

So maybe what is the connecting thread for you, a sense of actually living your life?

ETA: It might also help to have someone on board who always knows the real, internally AND externally. It requires trust, both, though. The internal one for trusting your senses (or that someone(s) senses) and reasoning enough to be someone to listen to, when things get hard.

 

[Sandstone]

Do you really believe you don't deserve therapy

not only that I don't deserve it, but that I should be punished for seeking it. That is particularly strong at the moment. I can act in opposition to that belief,but I can never wholly shake it off.

 

[Starfire]

We see it a little differently. We trust/feel safe with our Therapist..a miracle in itself..so there is far less stress there. Allows us to talk/ work in an unguarded way unlike anywhere else in the world. So genuine, unguarded feelings, thoughts, fears come out. We've had a lot unexpectedly stress lately. T asked what would help. Couldn't really answer. But as things built that evening realized we'd just like to go sit in the safety o his office. Just a place where we'd be safe, the world wouldn't be allowed in. A quiet place where we could be us. I know, people say need to create our own plece. Really isn't a place where we don't have to be on guard for intrusions from other people & events. So we aren't faking it in his office, we're taking it everywhere else.

 

[Sideways]

That is particularly strong at the moment. I can act in opposition to that belief,but I can never wholly shake it off.

Beliefs can shift over time, particularly if we start behaving in a way that consistently contradicts the belief (so, that might be continuing to go to theraly, and maybe even makigna point of buying yourself a chocolate bar or something afterwards as a congratulation, even though it will feel uncomfortable at first?).

Your T is likely to have had other clients with similar beliefs - if you let her know that this is where your head is at, she’s likely to understand, and know how to proceed in a way that’s helpful.

 

[shimmerz]

For me, this is where 'parts' fit in. I have a DDNOS dx as well. And what was driving me mad was this whole 'if triggered and there is a response' I would feel so disconnected from the response that I would think I was faking. On some level I absolutely knew I wasn't, but that whole 'I have no idea or connection to who was running the ship' at that point that I felt it had to be faking.

A for instance would be my experiences of a visit to the grocery store. I would stand in front of the soup section and literally freeze. My head would be going a mile a minute out of confusion (I couldn't decide what soup to choose) but my body would be profoundly frozen. It wasn't a good situation because in those days I hadn't yet figured out how to get out of the 'complete body freeze loop'.

It felt like a very foreign state to be in. I couldn't relate to it - so it felt 'fake'. But it was real. And I wouldn't actually be able to even try to analyze why i did what I did (freeze) until after I had been removed from the store. I would click back into my 'normal part' and be able to assess what caused me to freeze after it was over Which wasn't very helpful in the moment. I felt absolutely crazy insane.

When I started to assign that behaviour to a 'part' of me (the part that couldn't make a decision to save her life), it became much easier to understand that there was no faking, but that certain pieces of me had been damaged and compartmentalized themselves. That behaviour would be triggered off by specific things. Sounds like yours was triggered by that word you mentioned.

So then, perhaps there is just a part of you that gets messed up by the use or feeling that comes along with the use of that word. If it is a consistent reaction to that word - then I used to realize about myself - that I don't have a good enough memory to bring on symptoms from one word. The symptoms after the trigger even were so fast, absolutely consistent, without a question or a doubt, so real in their 'unrealness' that there had to be something to them.

The biggest issue I had with my healing was getting over the 'what is real/what is me being a fake' thing. I have to be honest. I wasn't faking a thing. All of it was authentic and I wish I hadn't spent so much time trying to make up a story about how much of a faking asshole I was. Not sure if this will be helpful or not, but this is a posting I put out there while I was struggling with this.

Attention Seeking Faker