Attachment to/Transference with Therapist

[ILoveLife]

I can explore and learn what a healthy relationship is

Therapeutic relationship is not the same as any other kind of relationship. There are deep differences and boundaries that should never be crossed, there is hardly any kind of affection.

Can I ask if maybe, deep down, you're looking for love where it's unavailable?
Your therapist may like you as a client and person, but he can't love you like you deserve in relationships.

Plus, the kind of support a therapist gives will always be different than support you receive from friends or intimate partners.
You say you have a long history of screwing up relationships, and you've also mentioned a string of ONS's - those are things that keep real relationships at bay for you.
Is it healthy for you to model a healthy relationship out of the relationship with your therapist?

I'm in the opinion that things need to be kept separated.
A therapist is a person who has a function in your life, to help you heal. Plus, it's a person you actually pay for that service.

 

[Kubash16]

I get it’s not the same and I definitely don’t expect him to love me, there’s none of that going on. Is it wrong to like having someone to go to and talk with finally? Is it wrong to like having validation? Is it wrong to like having someone act positive towards me even when there’s a disagreement? Is it wrong to feel like he’s a safe place? Those are the things I look to him for and am getting. They make me feel like I’m in the wrong though.

 

[ILoveLife]

Is it wrong to like having someone to go to and talk with finally?

Not wrong. That's what therapy is for. Healthy relationships otherwise? Sometimes we just sit in comfortable silence.

Is it wrong to like having validation?

Nothing wrong with that. But the types of things a therapist knows about you, the reason for the validation, might not be the same in any relationship.

Is it wrong to like having someone act positive towards me even when there’s a disagreement?

Obviously not, and this is something we all should look forward in any relationship.

Is it wrong to feel like he’s a safe place?

No. But it's also good to realize that most people are safe outside the therapist's office.

Those are the things I look to him for and am getting.

This is good, obviously. But also not what I meant. You said "model healthy relationships out of the relationship with my therapist" - what I said is, no other relationship will ever be like the relationship with your therapist, they'll be different.

I get it’s not the same and I definitely don’t expect him to love me, there’s none of that going on.

I'm not sure about this though. All of what you mentioned above are things we look for in relationships where we feel loved. I'm not saying it's conscious of you, maybe look deeper into this for a bit.

I've been in this situation, and I've told myself these things.
Thing is, therapeutic relationships are one sided, they exist solely for us, not for our therapists. In other relationships we learn how to be with the other person to build love. Therapeutic relationships are supposed to have a guarantee that there is a foundation of trust and respect simply because we're there, hence all these people you see who are deeply disturbed after ending therapy with a bad therapist.
You can model a relationship from the relationship with your therapist, my question is "Is it healthy, though?"

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t know. That’s the problem. And no one else is safe enough to try with, not even close.

What I mean by model a healthy relationships is he has the tools to tell/show me how to work through ruptures and building trust in another person. Does that make sense?

 

[ILoveLife]

That makes sense, but don't expect a model than.
Expect tools and hard work on your part.

Have you seen how hard it is for me just to say hi to a person I'm interested in?
I have absolutely no issue walking into a therapists office and verbally avalanching my entire trauma history though. I don't do that with other people. I don't expect other people to understand, I've tried but failed, other people don't have the knowledge or the bedside manner of a therapist confronted with our kind of story. That doesn't mean they aren't safe, K.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Everyone has different relationships to their Ts. Which is fine.

I don't know if it's helpful telling others how their relationship to their T "should" be.

A lot of people use their relationship to their T to learn about healthy relationships and to model their behaviour on that.

I've had a lot of different Ts over the years and my relationship to each one has been indiviudal and different.

Some it's been more a professional thing, some it's felt like a friendship, some have felt like kind parents for my inner child.

 

[Kubash16]

I’m not afraid of tools and I’ve always been willing to put in the work-that’s what I mean by model. The tools.

No one is safe. Not for me.

 

[ILoveLife]

I don't know if it's helpful telling others how their relationship to their T "should" be

No one did this.

No one is safe. Not for me.

Maybe ask for his help with this particular issue then. It's healthy to have a good relationship with your T obviously, but it's also healthy to have good relationships outside of T.

 

[Kubash16]

He has the boundaries to make this safe.

I don’t have to guess at his intentions.

I can rely on him to remain professional and point out and help me fix the issues I have.

Is that wrong?

 

[ILoveLife]

K, you asked about transference.

Liking therapy is not transference.
Expecting a model of relationships out of therapeutic relationships is.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Expecting a model of relationships out of therapeutic relationships is.

Why is this transference?

 

[Kubash16]

I thought transference is applying your feelings onto the therapist. Not simply expecting to learn how to have a good relationship.