How do you de-compartmentalize?

[EveHarrington]

I’ve been compartmentalizing since.....birth.

It’s to the point where everyone only sees a certain side of me. The side I choose for them to see.

Nobody sees the real, full me.

Everything went kerflooey today. I can’t stop crying. You know how some people say that antidepressants make them numb? I think it’s the opposite for me because I seem to feel so many more real feelings. I cry a lot more.

Anyway...

Everyone says I’ve got to stop doing this, at least to this extreme. I need to stop compartmentalizing. It’s how I keep everyone at a distance.

Why do I do this?

It minimizes the rejection.

Up until today I hid my problems from my sister. I was afraid she’d never let me see my nephew again if she saw my anxiety. (I still fear this.) Today, she saw it. I got a dose of tough love from her. All I wanted was a hug. I told her that I never showed her the bad side of me because I was afraid she wouldn’t want me in her life anymore. I told her she didn’t understand, this is the only way I can keep people in my life. I’m not like her, I’m not loved by everyone, I’m not a social butterfly, I don’t have a lot of friends and family. She told me I needed to stop pushing people away. I didn’t realize this is how I push people away.

I don’t know how to stop.

My ex was compartmentalized, too. I showed him little of me because I didn’t want to be rejected. He always said he accepted me for who I am, but the truth is that he only could accept the parts I showed him. I hid the parts most likely to be rejected. He was the only guy to ever love me, and I still couldn’t show him more than a small part of myself.

I don’t know who or what I’m crying for more. I’m exhausted from crying all day. I hurt, physically and emotionally.

I just want to stop.

I want to stop compartmentalizing.

I want to stop pushing people away.

I AM SCARED!

Help?

PS I compartmentalize here, too.

 

[Teamwork]

I feel for you. You are a passionate writer. You may have compartmentalized here, but really we can only open one compartment at a time otherwise we would get the full weight and not know what to pay attention to.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey Eve I am sorry you are so distressed right now. I'd give you a hug if I could! :hug:

I told her that I never showed her the bad side of me because I was afraid she wouldn’t want me in her life anymore. I told her she didn’t understand, this is the only way I can keep people in my life.

^^If what you fear came true, would you still be okay? Not happy but just ok?

If it is fear that is driving compartmentalisation then you have to work through the worst case scenario... as in will I be happy or accepting if X doesn't like me anymore? Withdrawing love is a potent reason to continue the status quo but can you keep it up forever. Is the pay-off big enough?

I stopped compartmentalising to a host of ppl and lost most of my family, friends etc., bc I honestly found it so exhausting.

I wanted to be more real, more me, more you know … just me. I was willing to give up those ppl mostly because they always responded to me in the way that they 'expected' me to be because that is what our social agreement was. But I felt like I never genuinely connected to anyone - ever and that is a lonely place. Lonely as in I was surrounded by people who I knew, would not accept the mental/ptsd part of me, ever. So I stopped it. I went no contact.

But I still do compartmentalise with a few family members because I need to help them and I need to stay sane while I do it. ugh...

In saying that though I think everyone compartmentalises - don't they? I mean to a certain point it is unavoidable - probably?

If your meds are making you feel so sad do you think that you could raise this with your doctor? I'm not sure if your distress is all about what is in your mind. It may be the meds.

Hoping you feel a little better soon.

 

[Whirlwind]

Everyone says I’ve got to stop doing this, at least to this extreme. I need to stop compartmentalizing. It’s how I keep everyone at a distance.

I don’t know how to stop.

I just want to stop.

You recognize what you are doing and you want to change. That is half the battle already so keep that in mind.

I compartmentalized...quite successfully for a long time. For all of us it was an important survival skill but that time has passed. I had to learn basic things people take for granted. What do I like, think....I mimicked people early on as I didn't know what else to do.

For me it was an automatic response and I had to "unlearn" and I needed to get in touch with myself and just try things. I established my safe zone of people and started there. I also used environments where no one knew me (talking in the grocery to taking a class)....I could just be me and see how it went. It was easier for me to test the waters with some aspects of my personality. I do think that is how I went from someone who literally did not talk to my happily talkative self today.

Another key for me was to take time by myself and figure out what I liked, how I felt etc. I was advised to try meditation and yoga...and I struggled with it. I kept at it and while I don't think I actually meditate...the mere habit of going through the movements, its very grounding for me. I often hit on something that bugs me or work out an issue this way. I think there are many avenues, yoga works for me but its like creating a space where I can "set with my true self" and figure things out. btw my "yoga" is very mellow and not an exercise so to speak. They key is to take distractions away and take the time to check in internally.

But I still do compartmentalise with a few family members because I need to help them and I need to stay sane while I do it. ugh...In saying that though I think everyone compartmentalises - don't they? I mean to a certain point it is unavoidable - probably?

Yes, I think so and this sounds more like setting boundaries which is normal and healthy. I set very different boundaries between friends vs coworkers etc.

It IS scary but perhaps start with baby steps and some safe environments to "practice". I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the reactions you get....and its one of those things where the beginning is scary and once you've taken the plunge...it gets much easier.

It sounds like you are onto something important for yourself, that is a good thing! :-)

Best, Whirlwind

 

[shimmerz]

Compartmentalization can be part of the PTSD disorder. It certainly is if dissociation is a coping mechanism used. I’m not certain that anybody can stop the compartmentalization until they were aware of how integration works. That in itself is quite a process.

Do you subscribe to any type of parts theory? If so, recognizing parts is also recognizing your own internal compartmentalization.

 

[blackemerald1]

this sounds more like setting boundaries which is normal and healthy. I set very different boundaries between friends vs coworkers etc.

This is interesting indeed. Is it setting boundaries or is it compartmentalisation? Or is it both?

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you subscribe to any type of parts theory? If so, recognizing parts is also recognizing your own internal compartmentalization.

Yes, but I only recognize three main parts other than self. It’s nowhere near the level of my external compartmentalization.

 

[grit]

Your pain is coming through your writing and I truly hope you find moments of peace. Yes extreme compartmentalization is hard and how would you ever get anything done or remember anything? Yes it is super exhausting and also makes those around you not to trust because though you think you are not showing some sides, people see sides we do not even know we have sometimes.

But I hope you also realize there is no such thing as one side that covers all of you or anyone. There are sides that no one will ever know.
I think you realizing this is good step and healing hopefulness. I hope you start to use softer words to your struggles and feel soon this too is normal.

the whys? I hope you have a great therapist that can help you make the connection where this came from. BTW, I just differ to believe you were compartmentalizing since birth (compartmentalization shows up in development much later); however a traumatized baby or child may speed up certain phases and learn things they do not supposed to for survival.

you have survived and you are here an thank goodness you have the capacity to see your own internalization and I truly hope you take a turn.

 

[Whirlwind]

This is interesting indeed. Is it setting boundaries or is it compartmentalisation? Or is it both?

The edges probably blur but I think they are different.

Compartmentalization to me is the way I separated my life ...sort of a "before & after". For example I knew my childhood was terrible but I had it in a place where it was like looking at old black and white photo's in my mind. I was very separated from it but I began to live a "real life" I slowly recognized I put myself and life in compartments. I was different in each....like I was acting according to the set I was in at the moment. And I felt I was watching and interacting with the world through an invisible sheet of plexi glass. I was present but not "part of".

While this is a shade of depersonalization, in my case I feel it was due to me acting according to a situation, I was not responding intuitively and it took effort and felt increasingly artificial over time. I did not have "parts" of me I am unaware of, early on I just didn't really know how to operate in the world so I mimicked.

This resulted in a work "me", a friend "me" , a earlier childhood "me" etc. In time I began to figure out who I am, the base me..... but I had to experiment. The process was welcome once I realized I wanted to figure myself out, find out who I was and wanted to be.

There were a few times my worlds "collided" and it was awkward. I remember a person remarking albeit in a complimentary way how different I seemed. But it bugged me, I realized I needed to weave my life/me together more cohesively.

ha, sorry it is hard to explain and my compartmentalizing interpretation blurs into dissociation, distancing, depersonalization and maybe even other "D's" ;).

But it was primarily a result of an incredible lack of modeling by my FOO along with isolation thus no social skills etc.

Boundaries are simpler self protective lines in the sand of information sharing about my life, self, beliefs etc. E.g. I do not share with my neighbor that I have PTSD but they know my name. Here, the opposite. This could seem like compartmentalizing but it is not. I am the "same" person just controlling information dissemination so to speak.

It’s nowhere near the level of my external compartmentalization

Assuming my interpretation of your compartmentalizing is similar....you are aware but like I describe above you act according to the "stage" you are on at the moment?

Another example...in my friendships, I tentatively started making jokes, telling stories, people laughed and liked my imagery. I began to incorporate that part of me into my work life. In time I had a reputation for presenting very dry material in a very lively way. Today this is just a part of my universal personality, and I limit only by degree appropriate to the situation.

Are there elements of yourself across these that are consistent or parts from each "compartment" that you like or would like to emulate more?

Whirlwind

 

[Mach123]

I think it's a survival technique so the reason it's so difficult (slippery-ephemeral) is, how can you tell yourself to stop surviving?
You correctly intuit it's going on though and hopefully it'll subside. I don't think I ever get better by working on particular things, I just keep working and things improve. Don't worry if people like you or understand? If you're like me they don't. (I was a little worried yesterday along with all this I'm getting "crochety" because of my age.) I have a hard time not abusing people around me who aren't "keeping up" like I think they should.

 

[Sideways]

How do I be my ‘authentic self’ when dealing with others.

I’m crap at this too. But I definitely need to get to know who my authentic self is, I need to notice when I change from that, and then probably I need to decide whether those changes might be appropriate in that situation to some degree.

But probably if I’m honest with myself, I compartmentalise around others and put up walls because I don’t particularly like my authentic self. I carry huge amounts of shame. I don’t feel safe letting other people see the real me.

That’s going to be a lot of work to overcome, but I’m hoping that if I can learn to like the authentic me? I’ll naturally be more inclined to be myself around others.

 

[grit]

One way that I practice to de-compartmentalize is to remind myself of who I am EVEN if I am outwardly hiding it. We all have inner life and outer life. No one is the same at work as they are on a date etc. So this mechanism of compartmentalizing is already at work.

Now when alone with your own thoughts or writings, who are you? Do you know who you are? and can you remind yourself internally that "ooh in this incident with my mother, I am not being authentic and I do not know why exactly? but I can see I am holding myself back?" That alone is integration. Because you know who you are and you are choosing not to show that to this particular person or situation. In time, it becomes normal and natural because you will also see times, your brain will say, I feel safe with this person, I like this person, I can show a bit of me and you crack that weird joke! and the person laughs and boom you know! no one got offended.

little risks are good but know YOU in your own head first. you cannot externalize something that is not internalized.