Selective texting?

[Jay02]

My boyfriend hasn’t replied to any of my messages and I’m only assuming that something is wrong and he’s isolating.

But he replied to my other friend and I guess I’m taking it personal. I just feel so in the dark.

 

[Sweetpea76]

How long has it been?

 

[Jay02]

How long has it been?

Been two days.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... yep 2 days isn’t that long. How many times have you texted him in 2 days?

Honest advice? Step back. Breathe. Give him some space. I’d stop texting all together for awhile. if he’s not answering he probably doesn’t feel like texting.

Stop back and ask yourself logically... did you fight before he went silent? Were you a dastardly person? Does he have a history of taking off with women or running away to join the circus? I’m betting no, so logically he probably just needs a little space or a reset.

You said he had a VA appointment? Ding ding ding. That sets mine off most of the time.

I have GAD and my exhusband was a serial cheater... and I’m here to tell you that you need to get a grip on all that if you want this relationship to work. If you cannot, you need to think seriously about if this is a good relationship for either of you. Your anxiety is going to fuel his PTSD and you’ll both be in hell. Real talk. The more you text and ask him for attention he cannot give right now, the further he’ll pull away.

He probably texted your friend back because your friend doesn’t have expectations. He didn’t have to explain what was going on to your friend. You want answers, explanations, emotions, attention, love, etc. Relationships are work, and that is stress. If he is overstressed he’s going to avoid stress.

Once I understood that isolation had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him feeling better it didn’t bother me. My vet needs the time to feel better, and I want him to feel better. Giving him that space is a loving act. I KNOW he is not a cheater. He’s never cheated on me before. I know he loves me and wouldn’t stop talking to me forever for no good reason. It’s not about me.

Step back. Breathe.

 

[Jay02]

Ok... yep 2 days isn’t that long. How many times have you texted him in 2 days?

Honest advice? Step back. Breathe. Give him some space. I’d stop texting all together for awhile. if he’s not answering he probably doesn’t feel like texting.

Stop back and ask yourself logically... did you fight before he went silent? Were you a dastardly person? Does he have a history of taking off with women or running away to join the circus? I’m betting no, so logically he probably just needs a little space or a reset.

You said he had a VA appointment? Ding ding ding. That sets mine off most of the time.

I have GAD and my exhusband was a serial cheater... and I’m here to tell you that you need to get a grip on all that if you want this relationship to work. If you cannot, you need to think seriously about if this is a good relationship for either of you. Your anxiety is going to fuel his PTSD and you’ll both be in hell. Real talk. The more you text and ask him for attention he cannot give right now, the further he’ll pull away.

He probably texted your friend back because your friend doesn’t have expectations. He didn’t have to explain what was going on to your friend. You want answers, explanations, emotions, attention, love, etc. Relationships are work, and that is stress. If he is overstressed he’s going to avoid stress.

Once I understood that isolation had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him feeling better it didn’t bother me. My vet needs the time to feel better, and I want him to feel better. Giving him that space is a loving act. I KNOW he is not a cheater. He’s never cheated on me before. I know he loves me and wouldn’t stop talking to me forever for no good reason. It’s not about me.

Step back. Breathe.

I've texted him only twice a day. Today was a rough day, though. I took it personal when my friend said my boyfriend replied to her and so she's angry at me now (blocked me on social media bc of it) and then I basically hounded my boyfriend. I feel so bad and so clingy when I know, deep down, that it's not in his control.

I just don't know why I always think negatively. You're right. I need to evaluate if this is something I can handle in the long term... Truly, I think I can if I can fix and get a lid on my anxiety. It's just heightened more since I got with my boyfriend.

The last text I sent him was to apologize for hounding him and that I was going to give him his space and when he's ready, I'll be here. His appointment with his VA is tomorrow and I just hope everything goes smoothly.

Is there a way to chat privately? I can never vent to any of my friends because they don't understand the type of relationship I have and nor can they relate to it either.

I appreciate everything you said. I calmed down after writing in my journal (it's helped a lot since I started doing so), and after reading what you had to say and how relatable it is, I feel a bit better. Honestly, thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Truly, I think I can if I can fix and get a lid on my anxiety.

....but how likely is it that you can “fix” your anxiety? My guess is that it’s more a matter of learning how to cope with your symptoms.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There are no private messages here, but it’s pretty anonymous, and a lot of supporters freak when they’re first learning to deal with isolation. This is a common topic here in the supporter section.

My guess is that it’s more a matter of learning how to cope with your symptoms.

^^^ This is very true. I had been off my medication, but I had to go back on it for awhile when things got rough with my vet’s health. Over the years I’ve also learned to recognize when I was ramping up so I can try and calm myself before it gets out of hand. Stopping and making myself think about things logically is part of my process. “OK... xyz isn’t fatal. In reality abc is extremely unlikely. Step back and breathe. This is not worth a panic attack.” Find some methods to self-soothe, like meditation, counting breaths, looking at your surroundings, etc. I also keep drama to a minimum for my own mental health. I hate manufactured drama.

 

[Jay02]

....but how likely is it that you can “fix” your anxiety? My guess is that it’s more a matter of learning how to cope with your symptoms.

It's something I definitely need to have a talk with my doctor. I've never had anxiety attacks until a few months ago and it's scary. But poor word choice on my end. It's something I need to cope with and learn how to live with it.

 

[anon1234]

@Sweetpea76 - this is excellent advice!

 

[anon1234]

I took it personal when my friend said my boyfriend replied to her and so she's angry at me now (blocked me on social media bc of it)

This seems like an extreme reaction on her side. Stuff like that really bothers me and feeds into my anxiety, irrespective of what it relates to. I suspect it didn’t help you during this time.

Just hang in there. 2 days is pretty normal. I’d take a step back and let him lead.

 

[A13]

@Jay02 , haven’t been on for a catch up as I was working all day yesterday... I think the fact that you are asking for advice is a start. Try not to be too hard on urself either, learn from it! I also agree it’s a slight overreaction on your friends behalf and it’s likely she will too calm down and unblock you.
I was once in your position where I took everything very personally and felt upset that my guy was so different with me than with friends and strangers. I remember feeling weirdly jealous that everyone always got his “fun” side. A while back I was pushing my guy away being needy, he didn’t want to be around me because I was adding unnecessary pressure. I think a while back I was showing some co-dependant tendencies and I was probably my own worst enemy...
you will get there. Keep yourself busy and care for you! :)

 

[Freida]

He probably texted your friend back because your friend doesn’t have expectations. He didn’t have to explain what was going on to your friend. You want answers, explanations, emotions, attention, love, etc. Relationships are work, and that is stress. If he is overstressed he’s going to avoid stress.

yep. If I don't understand my own emotions I sure as hell can't explain them to hubby. Friends are more forgiving because they aren't as vested in the relationship. They will let me just say "ya, I'm find" even when they know I'm lying my ass off. Spouses want to help fix things -- and some things can't be fixed. They just have to run their course

. I took it personal when my friend said my boyfriend replied to her and so she's angry at me now (blocked me on social media bc of it) and then I basically hounded my boyfriend. I feel so bad and so clingy when I know, deep down, that it's not in his control.

Yep. big no no :)
Can you start thinking now what you will do the next time around? And oh ya - there will be a next time. There is ALWAYS a next time. It's just part of the fun filled journey that is ptsd Sometimes you get lucky with a sufferer who doesn't isolate, but usually stress = hide. It's really, really important you understand that it's not about you. Otherwise it's going to make you nuts.