I caused my ex husband to become a pedophile/rapist.

[Justmehere]

I don't like not being in control either. Trauma is the ultimate lack of control. So it makes sense to be really uncomfortable with it.

Admitting I had no ability to change it is admitting to a lack of control which is not something I like or am comfortable with.

Instead of focusing on what you can't control, focus on what you do control: your powerful ability to let the child rapist be at fault for his actions. There is power, hope, and even safety, about letting go of what we never had control over, and reclaiming where we do have power and control.

 

[Kubash16]

That’s a good way to look at it. I will try.

 

[Mach123]

I understand this I'm sorry to say. I've been thinking about it since I read it and I tried to post several replies but I haven't been able to. I didn't understand why it was bothering me so much. It was like I kept reading it but I couldn't get it to make sense.
Before I understood what I'd experienced was abuse it was hard to imagine that things (in my head) were wrong because that would have meant something was wrong with me again.
I did things and I didn't because that was what was left of me. This all started at my earliest memories and though any actual physical manifestation ended when I was a teenager I found ways to keep reliving it. There was another thread about how it follows you into adulthood.
I found it everywhere I went. That's because it was in me and it was part of me.
I was passive though. I voulenteered for abuse. I didn't act out and I learned that later. I'm not aggressive. I'm a type. I'm one of the outcomes. The probabilities. I just internalised it all. I feel I was lucky. My wife kept me safe somehow. She is part of it all too. Part of the re enactment. That part's beyond me.
To me this all means it followed you. I'm really sorry. It followed me too. I appreciate your posts so much though they're difficult. It's helpful. Its brutal honesty. I like that.

 

[Freida]

I’m struggling with a ton of self blame for how my marriage ended. It ended with him going to prison for raping and kidnapping my kid niece.

He blames me for it. I had gained too much weight. I withdrew from him too much after my miscarriage. I was too depressed. I didn’t look like I did when we first got together but she did.

He’s not wrong, but I know I’m supposed to work my way into forgiving myself. After all he could have chosen way different things. But I can’t help but think he is completely right.

Oh hun, This is BRAINWASHING and gas lighting at it's best. This is a bunch of boolsheet from an horrible person who refuses to take the blame for his own actions and insists (like most child rapists) that he did nothing wrong,
That makes him an asshole of epic proportions

lets review,,,

What you are saying is
Your weight gain forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children
Your change in appearance forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children
Your depression forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children
Your sorrow over losing your baby forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children

Sure you want to stick with that story? Because I can't find any correlational at all between what you were going thru and his choices to rape children.

Plus, he would have done it no matter what was going on in your marriage.
Why? Because he is a baby raping bastard who refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior and will grab the first person he can find to blame it on.

None of the guilt about what he does lands on you.
Even if he hadn't used those idiotic "excuses" he would have found something else to make you think it was your fault. That's what these f*cking pedophiles do. The goal is to ruin as many lives as they can and to make the victim question everything about themselves once they get caught. And yes --- YOU were one of his victims.

There is NO way you carry the blame for him saying his only option for sex had to come from children if it didn't come from you.
NO. WAY. '
NONE
None of this was your fault.
YOU have nothing to be forgiven for
This all came from his sick and twisted mind and he needs to rot in prison for it.
You are NOT to blame for what HE did.
There is no excuse in the world he could use to justify kidnapping and rape.
He made those choices and now he is trying to get out of taking responsibility for them by pushing them off to someone else.

Don't let him make you that person
Because it's bullshit.
:hug:

 

[Kubash16]

Oh hun, This is BRAINWASHING and gas lighting at it's best. This is a bunch of boolsheet from an horrible person who refuses to take the blame for his own actions and insists (like most child rapists) that he did nothing wrong,
That makes him an asshole of epic proportions

lets review,,,

What you are saying is
Your weight gain forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children
Your change in appearance forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children
Your depression forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children
Your sorrow over losing your baby forced your husband into a place where he had no other choice in his life but to rape children

Sure you want to stick with that story? Because I can't find any correlational at all between what you were going thru and his choices to rape children.

Plus, he would have done it no matter what was going on in your marriage.
Why? Because he is a baby raping bastard who refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior and will grab the first person he can find to blame it on.

None of the guilt about what he does lands on you.
Even if he hadn't used those idiotic "excuses" he would have found something else to make you think it was your fault. That's what these f*cking pedophiles do. The goal is to ruin as many lives as they can and to make the victim question everything about themselves once they get caught. And yes --- YOU were one of his victims.

There is NO way you carry the blame for him saying his only option for sex had to come from children if it didn't come from you.
NO. WAY. '
NONE
None of this was your fault.
YOU have nothing to be forgiven for
This all came from his sick and twisted mind and he needs to rot in prison for it.
You are NOT to blame for what HE did.
There is no excuse in the world he could use to justify kidnapping and rape.
He made those choices and now he is trying to get out of taking responsibility for them by pushing them off to someone else.

Don't let him make you that person
Because it's bullshit.
:hug:

I have read and reread this so many times and I still can’t think of an adequate reply. So :hug: and I don’t know.

 

[Freida]

I still can’t think of an adequate reply

wellll....guess that means I'm right huh??? :hug: :hug:

 

[Lucycat]

@Kubash16 I think I understand. I was sexually abused by my father and it was only many years later that I learned that when I finally got him to stop - he moved on to other younger girls. My school friends and my cousins. I was wracked with guilt that if I had let him carry on getting his pleasure from me, then he would have left the others alone.

I was in therapy for years before I got to truly believe that I was also a victim and that it was not my fault despite many people saying so. It is hard to see that the abuser is the only one responsible for his actions. These abusers are incredibly manipulative and controlling and find it far easier to control others by letting them feel guilty.

I hope that in time you will move on and be able to actually believe what you are being told here. Once you do, life will be easier.

 

[shimmerz]

I was wracked with guilt that if I had let him carry on getting his pleasure from me, then he would have left the others alone.

I so understand this. It actually makes a whole heck of a lot of sense given the situation. Of course you didn't want anyone to be abused like you were being. What a heavy weight to be put on your shoulders.... like a feeling of control over the fate of others when in fact you actually had no control at all.

I used to have this phrase that I would repeat in my head when I was in a drawn out DV situation that just wouldn't end.

How do you make sense of nonsense.

I would use that phrase just to ground myself into what little sanity I had left given my situation at that time. I was living in hell and being accused of being at fault for what others were doing to me. And honestly, it didn't make sense but I actually started to believe it as well. I was lucky enough to have some good solid people around me to help bring me back from the victim hell that they constructed for me.

So, no, nothing you or anyone could have wiped responsibility from him (or my ex et al) for the twisted and evil things they did. But it was so reprehensible, that they can't live with it UNLESS they blame someone else. Anyone else... you (and I) just happened to be their convenient targets. People like that will go to insane lengths to convince others that nothing was, is, or ever will be their fault. It is their sickness. Not yours. Take seriously the brain programming that has been done against you to convince you otherwise. Trust your therapist.

This can be rectified. And try not to make sense of nonsense.

 

[tacit]

Hi,

I found it helpful to understand that you need an element of truth in order to deceive. You cannot cause deception without it. If he had of come out & just said ' it's your fault i raped this child', then no matter how much you wanted to believe him, in the end it would've been too hard to do so, everything inside would have been yelling 'that's not true!'. All of your natural inbuilt human alarm bells would've alerted you to the fact that something is off with that declaration. The only way to bypass these built in warning systems is by using some truth to cause doubt in your own judgement &/or abilities. By saying 'you're over weight' ..true, 'haven't been giving me attention' - true (at least on some level), 'you only care about yourself' - (again probably true, & rightly so, on some level due to greaving your loss), then maybe this lie is plausable too (system bypassed).
Sometimes just realising this is enough, but sometimes it is not enough because they have used a hook. Hooked into something underlying that isn't straight up noticable & therefore will (hopefully) go undetected. A hook that keeps you tied to a particular way of thinking or emotional response(s), or more importantly, a particular way of behaving, eg. being submissive or staying when you know you should go, etc. And they don't know they're doing all of this because it comes instinctually for them. And also why it is good to recognise when you're dealing with an unreasonable person (you can't reason with unreasonable people) so that you can either avoid this trap in future or get yourself out of it when you realise you have been.
Maybe here the hook is shame based? Maybe you feel some sort of personal shame towards thinking that you are not a good wife, having a miscarriage, putting on some weight, etc. that allowed him to put his hook into your shame & tie his shame to yours? Maybe it was something else?
Just know that it is a lie & that you now hold the power to stopping the abuse by how you continue to relate to yourself & how you now choose to talk to yourself & know that how you feel about it will change in time as you recover & heal the stuff that is yours.
I hope this helps.

 

[Mach123]

I wrote and erased so much in reply to this thread.

I feel it ties into the other thread about "telling."

The op said "I think I was abusing this person."

Then the persons behavior was so severe all anyone could say was "oh you had nothing to do with that." Which of course she didn't.

That didn't change what she tried to say. But she can't say it because everyone is telling her not to or she doesn't have to.

When I was being abused I was participating. So when I tried to say something and people (therapists) said "that's normal, children explore or are curious, and boys are like that," I was silenced again because I thought "I had a part in it."

It's all the abuse over and over. It's how it works. : (

 

[scout86]

That didn't change what she tried to say. But she can't say it because everyone is telling her not to or she doesn't have to.

Interesting. And food for thought. I'm not sure I understand what you mean, exactly. (But maybe I understand it a little, I'm not sure.) Can you expand on what you mean a little more?

 

[shimmerz]

When I was being abused I was participating.

Mach123, you (and I) weren't old/mature enough to make an informed decision as to whether we wanted to participate. I think you, I and other minor children/infants/toddlers caught up in this kind of stuff don't recognize that when we get older. I think it is one of the hardest jobs of a therapist. To have their adult patient recognize that they didn't have a chance or a choice. Not ever.

It is impossible for a child of that age, with power dynamics being what they are, to do anything BUT convince themselves that they were willing participants in the process. That is the tool that the abusers use against the abused. They leave out the fact that there was a power dynamic and an innocence that was way out of balance. (You liked it; you loved it; you caused it; you made me because you didn't.....).

Doesn't matter whether the innocent liked portions of it or not. Part of the allure of being a victim is being allowed to shine in the shadow of the abuser (when the victim plays the game exactly the way the abuser dictates). That's why the abuser is perfectly set up. It is wickedly easy to manipulate someone who relies on you for survival. The victims are way to young to navigate the negotiation of such a complex human transaction. These children had no chance of escape or choice in the matter. That's why abusers don't pick a target bigger, smarter, faster than them. They need (have to have) someone who is totally incapable of protecting themselves and loudly convicince others it was the victims fault. Because that is what cowards do.