Relationship New girlfriend

[Hojay]

I’m fairly sure my ex sufferer has a new girlfriend. Given that he ended things saying he needs to be alone and can’t drag me or anyone through this anymore, I’m in complete shock. All the love and support and waiting and trying only for him to break up with me and find someone new within a few months. It makes me feel small, insignificant, and not good enough. Like he just realized I wasn’t worth it anymore and it would be easier and nicer with someone else. I feel so stupid. There I went telling myself he’s trying to do the right thing for himself and focus solely on himself. I don’t know what to believe anymore. And of course I tell myself he will be happy and peaceful with this new one, and live happily ever after. It feels like it was all on me. I’m so sad I could puke.

 

[scout86]

It makes me feel small, insignificant, and not good enough.

Chances are, it has nothing to do with you at all. I don't know him and don't know what his pattern has been, of course. At the end of my marriage, my ex went through a "I wouldn't want to live without you" phase. (He had no idea how close he was to making that true.) His kids from his first marriage were worried about him being alone. I predicted that he wouldn't be alone for long. And he wasn't. In roughly a year, he was remarried to a young woman who was between his two daughters in age. Here's the thing. People are in relationships for all kinds of reasons. Only a few of them seem to be good ones. Some people can't handle being alone and they want other people in their lives as a solution to their problems. It's not really about a relationship. At least not a healthy one. It's a one sided deal about meeting their own needs. The new person is likely in for an experience very similar to yours. And the end is likely to be the same, because other people really CAN'T solve your problems for you, no matter how much they want to or care.

You aren't small, you aren't insignificant, and you're plenty good enough. I hope your next relationship is a two way street!

 

[Sweetpea76]

And of course I tell myself he will be happy and peaceful with this new one, and live happily ever after. It feels like it was all on me

With his untreated PTSD, and the way he reacts to stress, it is not likely. He’s not healthy enough to be a good partner and he won’t ever be until he gets help... and with his history he won’t be doing that any time soon. No new love is going to fix that. He’s just chasing the “honeymoon phase” high.

You, on the other hand, have learned a valuable lessons. You know what you DON’T want in a relationship now. You can go on to find somebody great, who respects you and your feelings. Who puts just as much effort in as you do. Who is not an emotional vampire. Somebody who will cherish you.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you for being the voice of reason @scout86 and @Sweetpea76. Now that I’ve calmed down a little I can see that his pattern isn’t likely to change, especially if he remains untreated. And yet, a tiny part of me is afraid that he used me as practice to figure out what to do better in the future, and will live on happily from here. It’s insidious, isn’t it? The amount of self blame relationships like this can leave you with? And the denial. Jesus, the denial. I’ve learned so much, and there’s still this tiny brave braincell hanging on, telling me he isn’t as sick as I’m telling myself he is and that I was the real problem. How exhausting.

 

[EveHarrington]

You’re not stupid.

And you’re not THE problem.

Maybe at the time he broke up with you, he honestly thought that’s why he was ending things. Maybe he had good intentions of working on himself. But it appears that’s all gone out the window now.

It’s hard to not hold on when you think that there could be a future. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way and now know it’s not good for my own health because yes, in a way, the person who is left with potential promises is essentially being strung along.

 

[PreciousChild]

Wow. That must feel like quite the betrayal. I can understand the reaction of feeling small and insignificant because I think that's how anyone would feel after investing that much time and emotional resources and sharing a bond, and then for it to be so easily dismissed, at least on the surface. That messes with you. I have complex ptsd from my childhood, so that would also trigger my feelings of unloveability. But there's no way that if there is another woman that she is on a par with you in any significant way. No way. If anything, he just needs to fill the void where love was.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you for your kind words @EveHarrington and @PreciousChild. It sounds like you know where I’m coming from. It’s not so much that I was holding out hope that we’d get back together. It was more that I’d hoped him needing to be alone really WAS the reason he broke up. Not that he wanted to go out and find something better this quickly. I feel manipulated and like I was just somehow disposable after a while. One month before breaking up he called me the love of his life. Great how that phrase has lost all its meaning. This cant just be CPTSD, but what do I know about that at this point?

 

[EveHarrington]

One month before breaking up he called me the love of his life. Great how that phrase has lost all its meaning.

I had the same said to me, one month prior to the break up.

It sent me scrambling to figure out what this term means nowadays.

ie

“You are the love of my life, as in, the biggest love right here, right now, in THIS moment.”

or

“You are the love of my life, as in, the greatest love I will ever have across my entire lifespan even if I live until I’m 185.”

I always thought it was the latter.

More and more I’m realizing people are saying it with the meaning of the former. Which is stupid and redundant if you think about it.

But I digress.

You are right.

That statement is meaningless anymore.

 

[Friday]

The things that hit hardest often have a grain of truth in them... it’s just that they springboard off in totally illogical directions from there. But the true piece makes the whole thing seem reasonable. If you can find the true piece, it makes the rest of the nonsense fall away, more often than not.

And yet, a tiny part of me is afraid that he used me as practice to figure out what to do better in the future

All relationships are practice, yes? Hopefully you learned things in this relationship that you’ll use in your future relationships. And so will he. Every relationship, every job, we’re all learning. Will he get it perfect next time? IDK. Will you? IDK. Probably not, in either case. But maybe.

And the denial. Jesus, the denial. I’ve learned so much, and there’s still this tiny brave braincell hanging on, telling me he isn’t as sick as I’m telling myself he is and that I was the real problem. How exhausting.

Can you look at where you might be the problem? Not in the relationship, that’s over and has been for months. But now. The trick here, I’d say is to look at the denial piece. If part of you has been in denial that the relationship IS over, of course it seems like a great big huge betrayal to start dating someone else whilst you’re still together, rather than the most natural thing in the world that after breaking up that either of you would be seeing other people.

It’s not so much that I was holding out hope that we’d get back together. It was more that I’d hoped him needing to be alone really WAS the reason he broke up.

Even with this piece, I’d still really look at the denial piece about being “in” a relationship. The idea that we know about what’s going on with someone because we’re in the thick of it with them... sometimes has a hard time adjusting to not knowing what their life is like day in and day out. Or rather, to accept that we don’t know; because we knew them so well, for so long.

If this had been some other dude, and had been dating someone else, then came to live with you after they broke up to get back on his feet (or even just someone you saw every day), you might have been right there after a few weeks driving him to get out, live a life, meet people, go on a few dates, live a little... this moping at home alone might have sounded like a good idea when you made it, but it’s obviously not working.

That it’s been months and you still think you have your finger on the pulse of what’s best for him, what he really needs, what’s going on in his life? (By deciding how much time alone he needs)... I’d say at least a part of you is still thinking you’re in the thick of it.

I’d hoped him needing to be alone really WAS the reason he broke up

Similarly? If you’ve got a series of possible reasons someone did something

1 he was telling the truth and the situation changed
2 he was telling the truth and DID spend time alone
3 he was lying/telling half truths to protect you
4 he was lying because that’s just the kind of guy he is
5 he was lying because you’re not worth telling the truth to (or insert any other kind of self defeating, insulting, low self esteem, rude thing here)

WHY ON EARTH would you pick the one motivation that hurts you???

course I tell myself he will be happy and peaceful with this new one, and live happily ever after.

Would that be a bad thing? For either of you? Or does he have to be unhappy for you to be happy?

(From a realistic point of view, rather than venting over a pint of Häagen Dazs. In which case, sure, all exes should pine and waste away in misery until the day they die -alone, never again knowing happiness- because they’ll never meet anyone as wonderful as you.)

But realistically, if your next relationship -or his- was perfect and wonderful and fairy tale happily ever after... would that be a bad thing?

Jealousy does weird things to people. Like taking what we want (fairy tale ending?), conferring it onto others (they’re going to GET the fairy tail ending), and then deciding because they have it we never will (they’ve stolen my ending from me!). It doesn’t make sense on paper, but emotions aren’t particularly fond of sense.

That said, whilst most people dish over Häagen Dazs but don’t really mean it, some people can only be happy if their exes are unhappy.

So I would ask myself... Is this a pint of ice cream moment, or a real moment?

 

[PreciousChild]

I was reading an article about how once we care about someone, we will always care for them to some extent. So the expert was saying that we can grieve, but perhaps we shouldn't expect to bring "closure". I don't think we should feel ashamed for loving then and even feeling it after we're hurt. I also don't think that his actions mean that you were meaningless to him. I could see how ptsd would cause someone to latch onto someone else quickly, maybe even to cover up the pain of losing you. But I'm sure there's a part of him that will always love you. I think it's important to remember that because I think we all need to feel more loved, and not diminished. I guess I'm trying to do that with my ex as well because I don't want the experience with him to pile on to the side of me that feels unloveable, and in truth his actions only speak a small part of the whole dynamic.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hojay, whatever way you are finding out information about him and his life.. can you stop?

Some people become ex partners and find they can remain in contact but I think that's an ideal and it's rare - at least for a little while till adjustments are made on both sides.

When there is so much emotional pain involved I'd suggest you put a complete stop to being a observer of him.
Block information about him reaching you if possible. That might mean blocking him on media, asking friends, relatives to quit discussing the pro's and con's of his choices.

 

[LuckiLee]

I think...

Someone with untreated ptsd will always relationship hop. You can't "avoid" ptsd. And you can only hide the symptoms for so long. Then it all comes back and they have to move on to continue to "avoid" it all. Again.

My guy did it for almost 30 years. 3 kids. 3 different mothers. Broken hearts abound. He was 45 yo and suicidal before he finally took a leap of faith with me to reach out for help.

It sucks to watch someone you love move on but it happens. To all of us. Personally. I never wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. Their loss.

Sorry you're hurting. XO