Accomplishment. Supporter Unhappy.

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey there,

I´m in a bit of a weird situation. I´ve had one supporter who is very loyal, now for about ten months. He doesn´t know me very well yet but he´s one of the most supportive people I ever encountered.

There was one goal I had been working on even before I encountered him, which was to become less emotionally dependent on people who provided safety. He then just happened to walk into my life, and provided a lot of safety, so I temporarily fell back on that behavior.

I have been getting back on my feet where that´s concerned, and in order for me to become independent, sometimes I take measures that seem incomprehensible to him, meaning that I will create quite a bit of distance between him and me.

I can´t ever learn to get my own stuff together if he´s always there worrying about whether I am okay or not. My reaction to this behavior is to become more distant and he interprets this as me going into some kind of negative state. His reaction to this is to try to draw me back in.

I´ve tried to explain it to him, but as he doesn´t know me very well yet and he doesn´t know PTSD that well, he still takes it pretty personally. I see this as progress and very positive, but he sees it as regress and negative.

Any advice?

 

[blackemerald1]

which was to become less emotionally dependent on people who provided safety.

Okay if this is your aim I respect you for wanting to do this.

He then just happened to walk into my life, and provided a lot of safety, so I temporarily fell back on that behavior.

Hmm. So you temporarily stopped wanting to be emotionally independent when you met this guy? You utilised his ability to provide some emotional stability.

But then you started to want your independence back.. again?

sometimes I take measures that seem incomprehensible to him, meaning that I will create quite a bit of distance between him and me.

Which is it? Are you always wanting to be independent or not? Are you doing a yoyo on this guy? If you are, little wonder he views what you are doing in a negative way.

Is he a love interest? He must adore you a lot to be putting up with the on again off again so early.

If he is smothering you then maybe you ought to tell him that. But it is unfair of you to not declare how you want to live and then expect him to adapt when you keep changing the way you want to live.

Clearly you gave him one idea when you first met. Maybe it's time to update with him. :)

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey @blackemerald1 , thanks for your response.

I don´t really see it that way. I can see where you are coming from though. It´s a different perspective, I am mostly stuck in the perspective that I consider best for me.

My main thing is I told him from the beginning that I have issues with emotional dependency. I also told him that I don´t want these issues and that I want to feel more independent.

I explained to him that the emotional dependency is rooted in other things than in him personally, but he still takes it personally. Which I don´t quite understand.

This isn´t a love interest. We get along very well generally.

It merits saying, that "I temporarily fell back on that behavior" was regression, I did not actively want to fall back on that behavior.

 

[Tinyflame]

I explained to him that the emotional dependency is rooted in other things than in him personally, but he still takes it personally. Which I don´t quite understand.

Maybe because people either turn towards each other, turn away (silence), or turn towards with anger.

All relationships require interdependence.

Maybe he doesn't understand (you need to communicate it a way he can understand), or perhaps he has read it as turning away (which actually would be accurately read as a negative, in a relationship even without ptsd- in general).

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks.

I apologized to him for the way I turned away. I have a tendency to be very aprubt about it and I guess it makes sense that he sees it as something personal.

I know all relationships require interdependence but the dependency I feel (on him, too) is particularly unhealthy, it makes me jealous of his other friendships for example.

This feeling is coming from a deep seated insecurity and fear that I´m very familiar with. I have had it long before I met him. I have repeated this pattern endlessly with others. That´s why I want to be rid of it.

 

[blackemerald1]

Are you capable of having that independent relationship with him or him with you? I mean maybe he wants more and finds you turning away to be too difficult thus takes it personally.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I don´t know. Sometimes I feel like I´m not capable of it.

I don´t think he wants more, we tried to be "close" friends at the beginning (six months ago or so) but he was too busy with his kids and his work to be able to have any type of close friendship, which is why I tried to distance myself in the first place.

To him it should be no big deal if you are not close, in his mind you can still be good friends somehow. But for me, if I stay in that emotional-dependency mode, it just hurts not to see him. Therefore I´d rather try to get rid of that emotional dependency on him first.

:/

I wish it would work out better because I really appreciate who he is.

Thanks for thinking with me :)

 

[scout86]

Could you explain how this emotional dependency manifests itself?

My T has talked about an assortment of relationship styles. "Independent, dependent, interdependent, anti-dependent".... (He says he think I tend to go with "anti-dependent".) Apparently this comes from the way you learn to relate to people growing up. I honestly think I'm missing most of his point, but he seems think it's important.

Can you explain how this emotional dependency shows up, how it's a problem, and what you'd like to do differently? It might help us understand the situation better.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

That´s a good idea.

I have friendships where there is no such dependency (not to that degree) so I can compare. The main difference is it´s much easier for me in healthy friendships to put them in the back of my mind.

Whereas if I feel emotionally dependent on somebody I will think about them a lot. Probably more than they think about me. I regard them as very important and I see it as very important what they think about me.

In a normal friendship I care what they think, but I trust their judgment and not feel like I have to be very concerned about it. Whereas in a dependent friendship I always feel concerned about it.

Sometimes I get jealous if they have friends with whom they have a closer relationship than with me. It´s kind of reminiscent of being infatuated with somebody except there is no physical attraction.

The people I become emotionally dependent on are usually people who show some type of parental qualities. It´s usually people who are very good with kids and that make me feel safe.

 

[Tinyflame]

This may not be helpful @Radical Rad , because I am rushing as I must go and just throwing first and unorganized thoughts out there, but:

In a normal friendship I care what they think, but I trust their judgment and not feel like I have to be very concerned about it. Whereas in a dependent friendship I always feel concerned about it.

In my case I have a very narrow window about who I feel is trustworthy- really, truly- to me, so I have a very few very good friends, and many 'friends'. I care because I respect their opinion, and know what they are aware of (or not) about me. So I care about their opinion more, because I feel they are 'safe'(er), healthier, and at some level either care about me, or have enough integrity to be up-front/ honest/ thoughtful of my existence. (ETA I have had to learn to care 'less' about the opinions of those who don't care if I live or die, really).

The people I become emotionally dependent on are usually people who show some type of parental qualities. It´s usually people who are very good with kids and that make me feel safe.

^^ Sounds like that is playing much in to the past. Versus 'today'/ ~in the present.

The thing is, things like loss, fear, trust etc can come in to play.

Far as jealousy etc, those are internal reactions, not changed (IMHO) by exterior changes as much as interior thoughts. I don't (myself) notice jealousy as much, but I do notice what could be deceit, and that makes me feel very badly/ sick/ afraid.

Best wishes to you, xox. :hug:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks.

I´m aware why it is. I think I also know how to put an end to the cycle.
It´s just the how I do that, which is hard for people.

 

[Nessa7]

What is it that you used to do when you were more dependent on him that you are not doing now? I think I'm understanding the difference in you internally and how he reacts to you changing, but I'm not entirely sure what differences he is noticing.