Ok, I have to leave...

[Mach123]

I'm an anti vax and the current wisdom that they don't hurt anyone is total bunk like the idea that climate change has any real science behind it.

But I digress.

Look at who is encouraging you to divorce. See if you want to end up like them.

Divorce is a last resort. Everyone is so off hand about it because everyone does it. My mom always said she didn't care what "everyone" did.

I'm never for divorce except in the case of physical violence or infidelity.

If my dad left my mom because he didn't love her enough to stay married what's that mean about me?

Before I got married I remember people saying "well you don't stay married because of the kids."

My answer now is the same as it was then. What the fuk do you stay married for then?

I'm not saying staying married fixes anything. I'm saying getting divorced doesn't fix everything.

 

[scout86]

. For whatever time (i hear 11 days is average) before a custody arrangement could be reached, I would miss my son so much. I miss him even when I'm just at work.

Be sure you have all the facts on this. Sometimes the law makes no sense, but surely they don't require a kid to be left a potentially unsafe situation? (Is it unsafe for him?)

My ex & I had had a series of situations you might call arguments. They were never resolved. They ended with me walking away before I totally lost my temper and him acting as if he'd never been insulting and dismissive. I had often said, "if you think I want to live the rest of life like this, you're wrong." (He apparently didn't realize i was serious.) The day the last argument started, I just decided, rather arbitrarily, that i wasn't going down that road one more time, and I told him that. He accused me of threatening divorce. (I don't make threats.) I suggested marriage counseling. He agreed, reluctantly. The first session the therapist said there were 3 choices. "Live with things as they are, change them, or get out." (A good friend added that, if you choose the first option you don't get to bitch about it afterwards. I said the first choice wasn't an option for me. He, ultimately, said he was too old to change. (Picture eye rolling) I left and talked to a lawyer the same day.

I did it that way because i didn't want to blind side him. I wanted to be able to tell myself I was giving things a chance. The couple's therapy was worthwhile. It gave me a chance to see the situation more clearly and get outside perspective.

Before I told him I was leaving, I made sure I had the paperwork I'd need from the house. Vehicle titles, etc. I made sure I had my ex's SS#, etc because you can need that for paperwork. I removed a few things I didn't want to lose, like photographs (I actually made copies) & stored them with friends. I planned to have a place to go the night i told him, and i stuck with the plan.

He got pretty emotional. Made some threats. I left, didn't tell him where I was going, and made sure i wasn't followed. If I had thought him hurting himself was an option, I'd have talked to a neighbor & arranged for them to check in. As it was, I figured he believed too much in his own importance to really do more than threaten. If a kid was involved, I think I'd have tried to make sure they were out of the house with a safe place to spend the night.

You can't think of everything. In my mind, it came down to securing things I needed to secure before I lit the fuse, then having a place to go and going. Following through required some effort, but it was the right thing do.

I'd really suggest talking to a good lawyer if at all possible, especially because your son.

 

[Friday]

@abbynormal1929 I remember that moment. When even the good times are just... wrong.

And it just clicks. Moment of clarity. All the things I accepted as normal? How completely f*cked up they are.

except in the case of physical violence

Her marriage has that. As well as sexual violence. And financial abuse/control. And deliberate sabotage, undermining, gaslighting, & isolating her from avenues of support. And emotional blackmail / threats against her kid.

Abby has been in a very abusive marriage, for a very long time, now.

As much as I'd like to just go, I'd have to say something. For whatever time (i hear 11 days is average) before a custody arrangement could be reached, I would miss my son so much. I miss him even when I'm just at work.

There are 3 basic types of custody arrangements, although the names vary by state.

- Emergency custody order (filed in the morning, active in the afternoon) : Normal divorces nearly never use these, because they’re completely unnecessary, as neither spouse is either going to prevent the other from access so an informal agreement is made between them (think of this one as spite) or needs to (in the case of abuse/neglect OR likelihood of one spouse taking the kids and leaving the jurisdiction. Perfectly legal, until it’s filed. This is a big part of why DV shelters recommend you do NOT file one, because you can’t take your kids and run. You’re stuck where you are for the duration. This is why I’ve been here in this godforsaken rainy ass state for the past 9 years. My attorney hated it, but we had to file for an emergency temporary order. It was the smartest/best move, but the long term consequences have sucked a great big bag of dicks).

- Temporary custody order : this one usually takes anywhere from 7-21 days to be filed, and it’s what will stand for the next 12-36 months (on average) whilst the divorce finalizes. It can be changed, and often is, but it gets the basics down.

- Final Custody Agreement or Final Parenting Plan - These sucker’s are almost carved in Stone. Once they’re in place, they are extremely hard to make any kind of alteration to... and is part of why you’ll hear people talking about bitter custody battles that stretch 5+ years. Because neither side will agree to a final order.

 

[mumstheword]

I

@abbynormal1929 I remember that moment. When even the good times are just... wrong.

And it just clicks. Moment of clarity. All the things I accepted as normal? How completely f*cked up they are.


Her marriage has that. As well as sexual violence. And financial abuse/control. And deliberate sabotage, undermining, gaslighting, & isolating her from avenues of support. And emotional blackmail / threats against her kid.

Abby has been in a very abusive marriage, for a very long time, now.


There are 3 basic types of custody arrangements, although the names vary by state.

- Emergency custody order (filed in the morning, active in the afternoon) : Normal divorces nearly never use these, because they’re completely unnecessary, as neither spouse is either going to prevent the other from access so an informal agreement is made between them (think of this one as spite) or needs to (in the case of abuse/neglect OR likelihood of one spouse taking the kids and leaving the jurisdiction. Perfectly legal, until it’s filed. This is a big part of why DV shelters recommend you do NOT file one, because you can’t take your kids and run. You’re stuck where you are for the duration. This is why I’ve been here in this godforsaken rainy ass state for the past 9 years. My attorney hated it, but we had to file for an emergency temporary order. It was the smartest/best move, but the long term consequences have sucked a great big bag of dicks).

- Temporary custody order : this one usually takes anywhere from 7-21 days to be filed, and it’s what will stand for the next 12-36 months (on average) whilst the divorce finalizes. It can be changed, and often is, but it gets the basics down.

- Final Custody Agreement or Final Parenting Plan - These sucker’s are almost carved in Stone. Once they’re in place, they are extremely hard to make any kind of alteration to... and is part of why you’ll hear people talking about bitter custody battles that stretch 5+ years. Because neither side will agree to a final order.

isn't Abby a guy?

 

[LuckiLee]

Yes he is. Doesn't really matter does it?

 

[mumstheword]

Yes he is. Doesn't really matter does it?

Nope, it doesn't.

 

[EveHarrington]

Not knowing your story I read this with an open mind. The jokes I thought could be a combination of her being insecure with a morbid sense of humor along with your perception. When you combine everything though it paints a more problematic situation.

I am a reformed anti-vaxxer because that was how I was raised. I understand the religiously dogmatic mindset one has to take, but that was 20+ years ago before all the research on the safety was done. (Still a stubborn hold out on the flu vaccine lol) Good for you for getting your son vaccinated, and sympathy for dealing with the kind of mindset. It IS dangerous.

If you read abbynormals other posts, I have a feeling your response would be very different.

He’s not getting snap responses. Many of us have been encouraging him to leave for quite some time. His wife has many issues and is indeed abusive to him.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm an anti vax and the current wisdom that they don't hurt anyone is total bunk like the idea that climate change has any real science behind it.

But I digress.

Look at who is encouraging you to divorce. See if you want to end up like them.

Divorce is a last resort. Everyone is so off hand about it because everyone does it. My mom always said she didn't care what "everyone" did.

I'm never for divorce except in the case of physical violence or infidelity.

If my dad left my mom because he didn't love her enough to stay married what's that mean about me?

Before I got married I remember people saying "well you don't stay married because of the kids."

My answer now is the same as it was then. What the fuk do you stay married for then?

I'm not saying staying married fixes anything. I'm saying getting divorced doesn't fix everything.

I somehow don’t think you’d be saying the same to a woman, that she should stay with an abusive man.

The OP has been posting about his wife and how abusive she is for quite some time.

Divorce doesn’t cure everything but it’s always better than losing your soul to abuse.

 

[Fadeaway]

@EveHarrington I suspect you are correct having only the information in this thread to go on. I need to do more reading.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm never for divorce except in the case of physical violence or infidelity.

Therefore you should be for divorce in this case. Really, Mach, this is the second time you've told Abby to stay with his abusive wife, and you still don't know what you're talking about. Much like your anti-vaxx opinion. But I digress.

Look at who is encouraging you to divorce. See if you want to end up like them.

Way to insult many, MANY members of this board. I dearly hope that Abby DOES end up like me. I divorced, and it was the best move I could have made. Your knee-jerk anti-divorce stance makes no sense in this case and maybe you should stay out of this conversation.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Didn't mean to cause any conflict. Also I really didn't bring up the vaccinations to start a debate, just to point out that I was aftraid to tell her, or even speak my opinion about it. I don't mind being challanged on what I am saying. That being said I appreciate everyone's ongoing support, this website has been very good to me. The way things have been for years, and the way they are now, I don't see this ever turning into a healthy/equal relationship. And yes I'm a guy. ( though in certain circles I identify as gender queer, or non-binary, also something I'm afraid to being up to my wife) The name abbynormal is a reference to the mel brooks movie "Young Fankenstein" where igor brings back a cadaver with an abnormal brain because he broke the one he was supposed to bring back. And when the young doctor frankenstein asks what the persons name was, he says Abby Normal, because the brain was labled abnormal. 1929 is the year the great depression started. So there's the history of the name. Anyone can get abused regardless of gender or sexual identity. I'm not posting on here as a mental health professional, but I do have a master's in Mental health counseling and music therapy.

Any way thanks everyone for the support. In my more isolated times you all have been the only people I could talk to and I am very grateful

AbbyNormal1929

 

[Ronin]

You didn't cause anything, Abby, nor start anything, you're all good.

(It is totally okay to talk about your life, and reactions of your wife, and your feelings.)

And yeah, she doesn't sound like anyone who would be beneficial to your life, the contrary, so to leave is sooo much a good decision, as is not sharing with her more personal details like identity that she would only use as an ammunition, and like you need that. She hurt you enough.