And the spiral continues..

[Deleted member 48076]

Hi all,

I’ve been spiralling into my dark thoughts since last week now with no reprieve. I feel like I have reached the end of the road now. I have tried everything under the sun to fight for my life these past 9 months and I am just tired. Tired of always ending up back here, wanting to die. It really feels like the greatest escape.

Last night I found myself researching the best ways to take my life with hurting the least amount of people possible. It has to look like an accident? Like I am not a coward. So people can remember me for who I was and not how I took my life. An unfortunate event. And whilst searching I realised that I really don’t even want to continue living anymore. I can’t imagine living like this any longer. These last few months I have fought so hard for my life through all of this, I’ve tried and wanted to keep trying no matter how bad it got. Now I don’t want to try anymore. I just want this to end now.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[ladee]

Littlebutterfly, your words did not sound like a rant. They sound like someone in a lot of pain. And thinking and feeling like so many of us here feel on this journey.

I have felt this same way this past month. But so many of us understand that this will pass. The wanting to end the pain. It will pass. As hard as that is to believe or understand, it does pass.

I'm grateful you reached out and shared how bad things are for you right now. I hope you come back and share more with us and let us know how we can help. I DID hear you. I do understand how dark things can get and it feels like it will never change. But it does change. This is hard work. And it hurts. A lot.

You are not alone and we are here for you. To listen to your pain. To help you carry the load. Sending hugs for you to hang on, and let us help.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Littlebutterfly, your words did not sound like a rant. They sound like someone in a lot of pain. And thinking and feeling like so many of us here feel on this journey.

I have felt this same way this past month. But so many of us understand that this will pass. The wanting to end the pain. It will pass. As hard as that is to believe or understand, it does pass.

I'm grateful you reached out and shared how bad things are for you right now. I hope you come back and share more with us and let us know how we can help. I DID hear you. I do understand how dark things can get and it feels like it will never change. But it does change. This is hard work. And it hurts. A lot.

You are not alone and we are here for you. To listen to your pain. To help you carry the load. Sending hugs for you to hang on, and let us help.

Ladee,

Thank you so much for your reply. I very quickly wanted to delete this thread as soon as I posted it because it sounded ridiculous to me. Completely dehumanising, a plead for help that no one ever hears, embarrassing.. Until I realised I can't actually delete it and had to deal with the anxiety of the fact that now thousands of people can see it!

I too like to remind myself on days like this that I have a good track record for surviving these days.. But I feel these are just becoming different recently. I KNOW it will pass. Until next time though right? That is what I am tired of. The fact that I will get out of this state only to focus hardcore in every way on healing only to end up back at square one. So it leaves me to think that nothing actually ever changes, nothing will change, no matter how many 'focused' days I may have, no matter how hard I try I will always end up back here and I don't think I can handle a life like that much longer. I have had a good read across the forum and admire those who have been suffering for 10, 20, 30 years! To spend a day like this is excruciating, I cannot begin to imagine what a lifetime of it must feel like and in all honesty I bow down to those people because they are the real survivors! That is the definition of a survivor to me!

I am sorry to hear that you are going through the downs of this horrible condition. Honestly, it is beyond me how many people are suffering and how many beautiful souls just like you pull through each day at a time. There is something about being a part of this community that makes me feel a little less crazy and a little more like I belong so thank you. I hope you get some reprieve from your feelings of the last month and share as much or as little as you want here! Just like yourself, I'd like to help, in any way I can, even if it just means offering an open and safe space for your thoughts!

 

[ladee]

@Littlebutterfly ,I am one of those who has been doing this for 30+ years. That is why I understand. As so many here do. I'm very grateful you have this place to come to.

And even if you feel or think you are landing back on square one, in some ways you have still made progress. And yes, we get absolutely soul weary from this part of our journey. The journey of our life and this stage just doesn't make sense and we ask so many many times, what is the point.

I can only share a turning point of my own with you. It was the first of many many surrenders. Not surrendering to 'this is all there is', but surrendering to this is the hand I was dealt. And I had to stop trying to make sense of it. Why did I suffer all my life, to end up having to suffer more with healing??

I don't know what my drive to survive is, or where it comes from. If I did, I would share it with you. Maybe it's just that I would NOT let the people who had hurt me, win. I just wouldn't. So many have their own reasons to hang on until something shifts. And it does shift.

I finally was put on antidepressants and that helped a lot. Knowing I had a chemical imbalance in my brain did help to make me feel less hopeless. And yes, that imbalance happened from being constantly under stress and anxiety. And not saying a little pill had my answers. It didn't. But it did keep me from going to that dank rabbit hole of despair and no hope.

It did help me to make different tiny choices. That eventually started to help to at least want to climb out of the rabbit hole.

As a general rule, we all have more than PTSD going on. I hope you are able to get a good physical check-up and hopefully have a psychiatrist that can help you unravel why you end back up in the same place. I do understand how defeating that is. Until I found a therapist that was willing to hear me say, there is nothing wrong with my mind, but there is something wrong with my brain!! Because like you, I ended back in that hopeless black place too many times, regardless of how hard I worked, regardless of how much I did. I always ended up back there. So, of course, we feel what is the point of all this suffering if nothing changes.

I am just now coming back here after a break, so I don't know how old you are, or your story. If you have a diary, please let me know so I can go read about you. And I know that panic of putting our words and feelings out there and thinking... oh crap, now what!!!

Just know you are heard. Hopefully, the depression has an organic root to it and meds will help to lift you out of the black place so that when you do make progress, you will know it, and hold on to that. And if you are on meds, possibly they either need to be adjusted or changed.

I can only remind you that you are not alone. And there are great payoffs to hanging on. But until we get to experience those for our selves, it is just meaningless words. I appreciate that you reached out. Even if you were embarrassed. I understand.

My hope for you is to keep sharing, keep reading around the forum. Something random may touch you right in the spot you didn't know needed touched. Sending words of hope, it does change.

Hugs of understanding.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

@Littlebutterfly ,I am one of those who has been doing this for 30+ years. That is why I understand. As so many here do. I'm very grateful you have this place to come to.

And even if you feel or think you are landing back on square one, in some ways you have still made progress. And yes, we get absolutely soul weary from this part of our journey. The journey of our life and this stage just doesn't make sense and we ask so many many times, what is the point.

I can only share a turning point of my own with you. It was the first of many many surrenders. Not surrendering to 'this is all there is', but surrendering to this is the hand I was dealt. And I had to stop trying to make sense of it. Why did I suffer all my life, to end up having to suffer more with healing??

I don't know what my drive to survive is, or where it comes from. If I did, I would share it with you. Maybe it's just that I would NOT let the people who had hurt me, win. I just wouldn't. So many have their own reasons to hang on until something shifts. And it does shift.

I finally was put on antidepressants and that helped a lot. Knowing I had a chemical imbalance in my brain did help to make me feel less hopeless. And yes, that imbalance happened from being constantly under stress and anxiety. And not saying a little pill had my answers. It didn't. But it did keep me from going to that dank rabbit hole of despair and no hope.

It did help me to make different tiny choices. That eventually started to help to at least want to climb out of the rabbit hole.

As a general rule, we all have more than PTSD going on. I hope you are able to get a good physical check-up and hopefully have a psychiatrist that can help you unravel why you end back up in the same place. I do understand how defeating that is. Until I found a therapist that was willing to hear me say, there is nothing wrong with my mind, but there is something wrong with my brain!! Because like you, I ended back in that hopeless black place too many times, regardless of how hard I worked, regardless of how much I did. I always ended up back there. So, of course, we feel what is the point of all this suffering if nothing changes.

I am just now coming back here after a break, so I don't know how old you are, or your story. If you have a diary, please let me know so I can go read about you. And I know that panic of putting our words and feelings out there and thinking... oh crap, now what!!!

Just know you are heard. Hopefully, the depression has an organic root to it and meds will help to lift you out of the black place so that when you do make progress, you will know it, and hold on to that. And if you are on meds, possibly they either need to be adjusted or changed.

I can only remind you that you are not alone. And there are great payoffs to hanging on. But until we get to experience those for our selves, it is just meaningless words. I appreciate that you reached out. Even if you were embarrassed. I understand.

My hope for you is to keep sharing, keep reading around the forum. Something random may touch you right in the spot you didn't know needed touched. Sending words of hope, it does change.

Hugs of understanding.

Ladee,

Honestly, absolute admiration being sent your way right now! You are the absolute definition of strength, determination and survival. Even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes, and as you mentioned you don't know what exactly is your drive to keep on keeping on but you have done exactly that and that is an amazing accomplishment!

Thank you for taking the time to share with me your turning point experience. It is actually one I have thought about a lot over the last few months, medication. Since experiencing my trauma for a long while I genuinely thought I could deal with things on my own. I shut myself out for a while, I thought it was normal to be slightly depressed following everything I just went through and that it'll pass. Well it hasn't, it has only gotten worse, my symptoms became habits, my reactions became out of character and before I knew it, I have no clue who I am anymore. You are absolutely right, I do believe stand alone PTSD wouldn't have much fuel to add to the fire would it? PTSD, anxiety and depression though is one hell of a killer mix! I have thought more and more about going to visit my doctor to talk through my options for medication but the idea alone terrifies me.. It is almost like the final mark and almost an acceptance of 'Okay, I am actually not well right now and I need help'... I'm still finding it extremely difficulty accepting that this is what my life has become. But having read about not only yours but many others reprieve from medication, I will be honest when I say it does sound promising. Of course I am not expecting a 'magic pill' to take it all away but just a slight ounce of calm and peace right now would be oh so welcomed!

I haven't written a diary as of yet, I don't think I will be ready to for a long time. I have journalled loads privately but I even struggle reading through that. I think that has a lot to do with acceptance, sometimes I still can't quite believe that all this has happened/is happening to me. Also I couldn't bare the feelings of shame, judgement, regret, pain, embarrassment and pity coming from people reading my story right now.. So to briefly outline, I am a 25 year old female, living in the UK. May 2018 was the beginning of the end for me, it was where my trauma began but really hit home in about July of the same year. My seemingly perfect life fell apart in a matter of weeks, everything as I knew it was gone. In the process of this I lost my job, my partner of 3 years, a dear loved one, I was emotionally abused by people I loved, I witnessed my family fall apart and there are so many things I could add to this list but I will end up rambling on! The worst thing about it all is that I lost myself completely. I genuinely believe that July 2018 is when I died. The old me, the woman I had built myself to be and know had died. And now I the person looking back at me, I have no clue who she is. Everything I ever believed in, my dreams, goals, wants, beliefs, values, it is all gone. And although I have been suffering with this for some 9 months now it feels like forever and a day to me!

I am currently working through trauma therapy (directed particularly at my type of trauma) and it is tough. Some days I really don't want to continue as none of it makes sense and is too painful but I know it is my only chance at getting better. Actually, an analogy I used to describe my PTSD to someone close to me recently is that of a life sentence. That is what it feels like to me, it may get better with time but it will never go away. It is like someone living their life healthy and happy for 25 year and one morning waking up completely blind. Having to learn life all over again, starting at complete basics, reminiscing on all of the things that they took for granted when they could see, realising and accepting that they are now limited in what they can do in life because they cannot see, a life sentence kind of illness. Yes, it will get better eventually, because with time you'll know how to find everything in your house without being able to see, one day you may even learn the way to your local store and in time who knows, you may even be brave enough to wander further out. But it'll never go away, you'll never see again.

Thank you again for all the insight, words of encouragement and understanding!

Sending loads of warmth and strength your way!

 

[ladee]

I am so sorry that things happened in your life that caused your life to derail. From what I have read here thru the years, people who have traumatic experiences later in life, do have a hard time accepting it. Doesn't mean you are wrong, or not doing the work, but acceptance is hard. Very hard.

I knew all my life something was wrong. So for me, it was a relief. It had a name. I wasn't crazy and there was a way out and up. I had no idea what was ahead. But life was already hard. Not saying I skated thru because I most certainly did not. And it was many years after my DX that I finally asked for help with the depression. So I understand.

Just take your time. Stick around here and get to know some people. I have found this place to be exceptional with acceptance. And tho you may feel all the things you listed, no one here will judge you, because they may have some or many of the same experiences and feelings that you have. But trust has to be built. I understand that too.

Again, I am grateful you reached out this morning to let us know how bad things are. And it's real, and it hurts. I have been there too many times myself. My last 'episode' was very minor. I have learned to let the feelings play themselves out. Not the life threatning ones, I address those, but I knew my thinking was messed up about many things.

And PTSD does not have to be a life sentence. It is something that has a label that describes how complicated our life was and still can be, but there is hope. I feel you will do what you have to do when the time comes. You showed tremendous courage by finding this place, to begin with. And posting the first few times is scary and hard. But it took courage to let others know how bad things are for you right now. So hang in here with us and find people you relate to. Some days we are crazy together. Makes it less frightening.

Take care of yourself and thank you for letting me know some things about you. It helps on a human level. Not because we are voyeurs to others pain. It's so that we can make that human connection.

Your caring about me is accepted!!! One more person in my life who understands. I'll take all the support and warmth I can get. Thank you!!

 

[SheWrote]

Hi all,

I’ve been spiralling into my dark thoughts since last week now with no reprieve. I feel like I have reached the end of the road now. I have tried everything under the sun to fight for my life these past 9 months and I am just tired. Tired of always ending up back here, wanting to die. It really feels like the greatest escape.

Last night I found myself researching the best ways to take my life with hurting the least amount of people possible. It has to look like an accident? Like I am not a coward. So people can remember me for who I was and not how I took my life. An unfortunate event. And whilst searching I realised that I really don’t even want to continue living anymore. I can’t imagine living like this any longer. These last few months I have fought so hard for my life through all of this, I’ve tried and wanted to keep trying no matter how bad it got. Now I don’t want to try anymore. I just want this to end now.

Sorry for the rant.

Beautiful one... please keep fighting. Is there anyone you can talk to? Please talk, get help... please. You are so precious and the world would not be the same without you. I hope you believe that. I care and I am sure there are others who do... find them and let them help you. <3

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Beautiful one... please keep fighting. Is there anyone you can talk to? Please talk, get help... please. You are so precious and the world would not be the same without you. I hope you believe that. I care and I am sure there are others who do... find them and let them help you. <3

Dear Shewrote,

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to communicate with me and thank you for your kind words.

Unfortunately talking doesn’t help. I have tried to speak with people on several occasions and it always resolves to the ‘itll get better’ or ‘it can’t be that bad!’. Basically just a get on with it until you feel better. The issue with that is, it’s not getting better. I always end up back here and I am slowly but surely running out of strength to go on. I can’t quite believe that I am ‘precious’ or or any positive addition to anyones life for that matter. Not right now, not who I am now, maybe who I was prior to my trauma and PTSD, then I could agree. Now I just feel like a burden and a piece of hard work not only for my own self but those around me. It is tough.
In all honesty, I think me disappearing would be beneficial to all.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Hi all,

So I’ve survived. I’ve survived the last few days. But as expected the heaviness of my need to go remains. I am back on the brink of despair today. Hoping and wishing that something would come and take me away, an unfortunate event or ‘accident’ which would ease my pain and allow those who care for me to grieve in the easiest way possible.

This feeling is just not shifting at all. I really don’t want to do any more of this. I really just need it all to end now. I don’t know what to do.

 

[ladee]

I feel you do know what to do. Reach out for help. Get on meds that are going to help your brain to settle some so you can make more informed choices.

I understand the pain you are in. Have been there many times. And as hard as it was, I did what I had to do to take the next step away from the edge. It's not easy, doesn't even feel like the right thing to do, but it's what works.

Sending you hugs of understanding and support.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

I feel you do know what to do. Reach out for help. Get on meds that are going to help your brain to settle some so you can make more informed choices.

I understand the pain you are in. Have been there many times. And as hard as it was, I did what I had to do to take the next step away from the edge. It's not easy, doesn't even feel like the right thing to do, but it's what works.

Sending you hugs of understanding and support.

Medication has been on my mind for quite some time now but I always manage to convince myself it’s not THAT BAD just yet. I think having spirals every other day is pretty much as bad as it gets..

I don’t know why I’m so terrified of going on medication. I feel like I’m so afraid of what further damage it might do to me.. I already have no idea who I am, what if I just loose myself even more? What if my symptoms worsen? There are so many what if’s. And then there’s the acceptance.. the sheer realisation of wow, look how much can really change in a year. I went from someone who has never really experienced struggle to someone who is absolutely kicked down and stuck in the gutter. How did my life get like this.

 

[ladee]

Even people who do not have a PTSD Dx, have depression and the thoughts you are having. And they may also struggle with the same questions you have. But many people take meds to help them work thru rough times.

Doesn't mean you would be on them forever. And it doesn't mean there is something weak about you. It means that life has gotten overwhelming, and trying to make sense of it with a brain on overload is not working.

And you won't know the answers to all the questions you have until you get help. We have no way of knowing what a particular med will do, whether it will help or not.

Can only share with you, that I chose life. Even tho that is not really what I thought I wanted. I knew that just because bad things happened to me, was not a reason to die. It solved nothing. It changed nothing. And the best revenge was getting well.

I'm sorry that this has derailed you. But that is what has happened. And taking your life is not the answer without you giving yourself a chance to see if things will change. But that is just my experience.

I see too many wonderful things I would have missed out on, had I been more determined to die than to live. It's hard. It's very hard, but that does NOT mean it's not doable.