And the spiral continues..

[Deleted member 48076]

Even people who do not have a PTSD Dx, have depression and the thoughts you are having. And they may also struggle with the same questions you have. But many people take meds to help them work thru rough times.

Doesn't mean you would be on them forever. And it doesn't mean there is something weak about you. It means that life has gotten overwhelming, and trying to make sense of it with a brain on overload is not working.

And you won't know the answers to all the questions you have until you get help. We have no way of knowing what a particular med will do, whether it will help or not.

Can only share with you, that I chose life. Even tho that is not really what I thought I wanted. I knew that just because bad things happened to me, was not a reason to die. It solved nothing. It changed nothing. And the best revenge was getting well.

I'm sorry that this has derailed you. But that is what has happened. And taking your life is not the answer without you giving yourself a chance to see if things will change. But that is just my experience.

I see too many wonderful things I would have missed out on, had I been more determined to die than to live. It's hard. It's very hard, but that does NOT mean it's not doable.

Reading this last reply of yours sounded a little like my mum. Not in a condescending way, just something my mum would say. ‘It’s happened now. I know it hurts but it has happened and there is nothing that you can do to change that. You can only do everything to make your life better from here’. Which I get, don’t get me wrong, I get that completely and I even as much as have days where I pep talk myself in such a way. Hell, sometimes I even manage to act on it! Get myself to work, go to the gym, spend hours on the internet pretending I’ll be planning a nice holiday or whatever, really trying to get back to normal. But reality always hits me every single time. I honestly do not believe that I can get over my trauma. I did, for a long time I did, and I tried everything under the sun (bar medication) to get myself there. Research, therapy, exercise, meditation the lot! But this just does not pass. The truth is, yes, I can’t imagine my life post-trauma. I can’t picture it being something I am ever able to ‘work through’ and maybe not get over but learn to live with. And I am so glad that you chose life. I am so glad for you that you feel well enough within yourself to keep going, to keep striving forward. I hoped that maybe one day i’d get there too but maybe now I just see is as a beginning to my end.

 

[Ronin]

It’s alright you cannot imagine it, it will end up happening, if you don’t do things to actually thwart your life.

It’s fine if you aren’t meeting your goals of being over it, you know?
Or other goals you had in life about that. That isn’t all there is to life, all there is to you.

Maybe medication is something to look into....?
Given it is something you haven’t tried yet.
That is a wiiide field of things you could be trying out, right there.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

It’s alright you cannot imagine it, it will end up happening, if you don’t do things to actually thwart your life.

It’s fine if you aren’t meeting your goals of being over it, you know?
Or other goals you had in life about that. That isn’t all there is to life, all there is to you.

Maybe medication is something to look into....?
Given it is something you haven’t tried yet.
That is a wiiide field of things you could be trying out, right there.

The thing is, they’re not just my goals. I know there is an underlying expectation from my family to just get over it by now too. Mind you, they don’t know the extent of the struggle either but they’re quite old school in their approach and I don’t think they pay too much attention to mental health.

I have major changes happening in my life in the upcoming months too and I can’t get my head around anything. I really do feel stuck and don’t know which way to go.

I think medication is definitely something to take into serious consideration at this point although I don’t even know how to start the conversation with my GP.

 

[Ronin]

I don’t even know how to start the conversation with my GP.

I would tell them all you told us :)

That you are coming through a difficult period, and are experiencing (detail the issues), are at the end of your rope, and are hoping for assistance getting through this time.

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry if I came across sounding like your mom, or any mom for that matter. And I hope you didn't hear me saying, 'get over it'. That is surely not what I meant to convey. We don't get over our trauma.

We learn how to navigate life and work around our trauma. We learn our trauma does not define us as humans. It is things that happened to us. I would never dismiss or invalidate depression that has made us go to the thoughts of not living any longer.

Please let us know how things are with you, and hope you do talk with your GP. @Ronin had an excellent suggestion on how to start that conversation.

 

[EveHarrington]

Medication has been on my mind for quite some time now but I always manage to convince myself it’s not THAT BAD just yet.

How bad do you have to be before you’ll consider medication? Are you waiting until you have a plan? Are you waiting until you’ve acted on a plan?

I feel like I’m so afraid of what further damage it might do to me..

Why are you only listening to people and sources that tell you medication will mess you up? Why aren’t you listening to those of us who have infinitely had our lives changed for the better because of medication? And, might I add, with minimal side effects.

I already have no idea who I am, what if I just loose myself even more?

Medication doesn’t make you lose yourself. Yes, sometimes it can cause negative side effects, over numbing, etc, but you just come off of the meds if it’s too much to handle. The whole “you lose yourself on meds” mantra is completely overblown.

What if my symptoms worsen?

Then you stop taking the medication.

I’ve had non-psych meds put me into the mental hospital because of the horrendous mental side effects. I have NEVER had a side effect anywhere remotely this bad with a psych med.

I don’t even know how to start the conversation with my GP.

GP, please refer me to a psychiatrist.

(GP’s are in over their heads when it comes to treating suicidal patients.)

 

[Scott615]

Hi all,

I’ve been spiralling into my dark thoughts since last week now with no reprieve. I feel like I have reached the end of the road now. I have tried everything under the sun to fight for my life these past 9 months and I am just tired. Tired of always ending up back here, wanting to die. It really feels like the greatest escape.

Last night I found myself researching the best ways to take my life with hurting the least amount of people possible. It has to look like an accident? Like I am not a coward. So people can remember me for who I was and not how I took my life. An unfortunate event. And whilst searching I realised that I really don’t even want to continue living anymore. I can’t imagine living like this any longer. These last few months I have fought so hard for my life through all of this, I’ve tried and wanted to keep trying no matter how bad it got. Now I don’t want to try anymore. I just want this to end now.

Sorry for the rant.

I read this and it made me sign up. I’m so sorry, you are not alone. I feel this way too and have for years. I wish I could hug you or help on some way, but I think the only one that can help you is you. The only one that can help me is me. I too feel tried, I feel like if I didn’t wake up in the morning it would be welcomed, it would be a relief. I don’t want to get out of bed when I wake up. The only reason I do is beacause I have loved ones that need me. Maybe you have reasons to continue too?

I want to write this not only for you but for me too. Due to a loss, I have begun to realize I have a lot going on. I also realized that I want to get better, maybe not so much for me but for my loved ones. Maybe this can help some one else also.

I had trauma when I was young, several different things. I spent over 28 years in a very violent, very stress filled career. I have had many head injuries. I have about every thing you can have to be as f’d up as possible and yet I’m fighting to get better. I admit, I rather not put up this fight this time, I spent my life fighting different things and different people ( I’m 50 ) But, I’m doing it to be better, to be better for my family and to be better for my future generations, I hope and pray they don’t have my issues and are not as f’d up as me.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

I read this and it made me sign up. I’m so sorry, you are not alone. I feel this way too and have for years. I wish I could hug you or help on some way, but I think the only one that can help you is you. The only one that can help me is me. I too feel tried, I feel like if I didn’t wake up in the morning it would be welcomed, it would be a relief. I don’t want to get out of bed when I wake up. The only reason I do is beacause I have loved ones that need me. Maybe you have reasons to continue too?

I want to write this not only for you but for me too. Due to a loss, I have begun to realize I have a lot going on. I also realized that I want to get better, maybe not so much for me but for my loved ones. Maybe this can help some one else also.

I had trauma when I was young, several different things. I spent over 28 years in a very violent, very stress filled career. I have had many head injuries. I have about every thing you can have to be as f’d up as possible and yet I’m fighting to get better. I admit, I rather not put up this fight this time, I spent my life fighting different things and different people ( I’m 50 ) But, I’m doing it to be better, to be better for my family and to be better for my future generations, I hope and pray they don’t have my issues and are not as f’d up as me.

Scott, I’m so sorry that you are going through the same thing. It absolutely sucks and I hope that you too get some sort of reprieve. It sounds to me like you have some sort of focus (your family) which is great, at least when you can remind yourself of your focus!

Unfortunately I don’t have any of that at the moment.

I have come out of my therapy session this afternoon absolutely drained. I can feel my brain in absolute overdrive and I know exactly where it is leading to.. the spiral. Now I am stuck between doing what I do best which is distraction and complete withdrawal or do I sit with these feelings and let them flow through me, process them as per everyone’s advice with the high risk that I will be suicidal again at the end of it.

It is like I can’t win. There is only so much that I can ignore my reality and run away from it and distract myself. But everytime I FEEL the feelings, I end up wanting to die.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Hi all,
So I went with my most common route this evening, distraction. I’ve felt numb all evening, completely withdrawn. Until it all hit home again and I am once more not coping.

The fight with this is so overbearing now. I feel like I have accepted that I just will not get better. That I am set up for a lifetime of this. That I will ruin everything around me because of this illness and I have just had about enough.