Dissociation and anxiety preventing employment

[TruthSeeker]

Ever tried skipping the application process and just showing up in person?

Just to expand on that a smidge...

When I’m doing badly, about 2/3s of the time I could be working... if I didn’t have to apply. Ditto I could be living somewhere... if I didn’t have to apply.

It’s 90% paperwork issue & 10% the application process itself.

I cannot do personal paperwork when I’m doing badly. I can’t even answer questions someone else fills out on the form for me after reading them out loud to me (because I stop being able to read, everything just swirls together and my heart rate spikes and I have about point three seconds before I want to either throw a chair through a window or eat my gun). I have tried thousands and thousands of times, but I really cannot handle filling out paperwork (professional paperwork? Incident reports, after action reports, orders, taxes, grant proposals, articles, memos, insurance forms, etc.? No problem. At all. Easy as breathing. Paperwork about me? Cue the motherf*cking meltdown whilst I lose my everlovin mind. :banghead: )

How do I know I can handle business paperwork? Because I’ve just shown up. I’ve worked more shifts, projects, gigs, jobsites, & scenes than I can count. Just filling in for a friend, or someone I know needs a hand, or right place at the right time, or semi-barter (trading work for food, gas, lodging rather than cash), etc. More than a few of these I’ve walked away from because they wanted to make it official... and nope. I’m sorry. Can’t do that. I’d love to, but really can’t. Other places, especially those known for hiring undocumented aliens, don’t even blink... because they either fudged your paperwork for you on day 1, or it’s when you ask for fair wages/ health benefits/etc. that you’re “fired” ;) because there’s no paperwork on you and never will be, because officially you don’t work here, never have, and never will. Just like 40% of their other “employees” who keep their numbers in the black and overhead down.

Some of these? Have been reeeeeeally decent jobs. 6 figure a year type jobs if I was working them full time and above board. Others are classic living off of tips anyway, and an offical paycheck isn’t worth the taxes paid. Some very citified, some very country, some specialized, some manual labor. I don’t do sweatshops & slaughterhouses. Shrug.

It’s a peripatetic life... whilst I unf*ck my head... but better than starving.

@Friday

@Wilbur , IFS is one therapy i haven't tried because i haven't found a therapist who does it, but that is a great idea, I can look around more and see if I can find one who does.



I never knew other people experienced this! This happens to me at unpredictable times, no rhyme or reason to what I'm reading. Just last week I was trying to read this book which I was already more than halfway through, and three different times I sat down to read it and this exact thing happened--unable to read, swirling together, suddenly tense and anxious--for no reason. I've always just assumed it was a part of me who didn't want to read and was sabotage-ing it.

I did the here and now therapy, behavioral, chit chat shit, and therapy that had LOTS of distance between me and the Ts and I got no where. I did learn self hypnosis- which opened the door to having an internal safe place- and then I quit- all better, right? Nope.

This T does IFS- and is very well experienced and trauma informed and seeks to form a compassionate theraPete walker wrote a book:
Complex PTSD: From Thriving to Surviving and has a chapter devoted to picking s therapist. His description fits very well my T- and her approach.
I advise it as a great helpful read!

I found a book that says its self-therapy using IFS so I am going to download it and check it out.

I found a book that says its self-therapy using IFS so I am going to download it and check it out.

@EveHarrington - Some of us w abandonment issues and serious critics, zero trust in mankind, and huge losses- w disabling protector parts can benefit from an experienced T who will commit to helping their client recognize and communicate w parts- more simply than a book. I couldn’t read self help books for over a year. It is a long process but trust is a huge piece- and IFS is a different and warmer than traditional T relationship (IMO) -

I read trauma related self- help books a lot, but then I discuss points w T. I come here and learn, do Shamanic healing w parts, do therapeutic art- draw, journaling and the T helps me see things I can’t-in the moment.

I know some people are turned off by T’s, have had bad experiences, and for me it took better than a year to just trust mine- and I went through 5 in my life till I found and stuck w this one.
( Protective part constantly telling me to dump them for one reason or another so I’d be safe) so just wanted to say a book alone won’t have a relationship w me, teach me I can trust, or ask me questions specific to me to help me think differently but books can be highly enlightening! Let me know if your book is a keeper and Ill buy, too!

 

[Friday]

@Wilbur... not sure why I’m tagged in the above?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I think I screwed up! Sorry. It’s been a very hard blurry week-and all around technology has not been my friend and completing sentences has been a chore even.. OOPs is all I have to offer-
Sorry.

 

[EveHarrington]

Some of us w abandonment issues and serious critics, zero trust in mankind, and huge losses- w disabling protector parts can benefit from an experienced T who will commit to helping their client recognize and communicate w parts- more simply than a book. I couldn’t read self help books for over a year. It is a long process but trust is a huge piece- and IFS is a different and warmer than traditional T relationship (IMO) -

Ok no need to write me a novel.

I’m not “ifs-stupid” or even “therapy-stupid”.

It’s obvious that many kinds of therapy are better with a therapist.

I was responding to the fact that the OP stated something about not finding and IFS therapist.

I have done IFS with a therapist and on my own.

I’m not stupid so please don’t treat me like I am.

I was just trying to help. I don’t need to be corrected.

I respond to everything on this forum in a tiiiiiiiiiny iPhone SE so much of the time I write the bare minimum. (It’s the phone that was once made fun of for being this humongoid phone but now it’s one of the smallest phones still in use & tech supported.) It’s a PITA to write a lot when I’m dissociated and having a hard time finding letters on a tiiiiiiny screen.

So thanks.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Ok no need to write me a novel.

I’m not “ifs-stupid” or even “therapy-stupid”.

It’s obvious that many kinds of therapy are better with a therapist.

I was responding to the fact that the OP stated something about not finding and IFS therapist.

I have done IFS with a therapist and on my own.

I’m not stupid so please don’t treat me like I am.

I was just trying to help. I don’t need to be corrected.

I respond to everything on this forum in a tiiiiiiiiiny iPhone SE so much of the time I write the bare minimum. (It’s the phone that was once made fun of for being this humongoid phone but now it’s one of the smallest phones still in use & tech supported.) It’s a PITA to write a lot when I’m dissociated and having a hard time finding letters on a tiiiiiiny screen.

So thanks.

@EveHarrington OUCH!
1) I never said you were stupid and I don’t think you are stupid- maybe your internal critic thinks that, but I don’t.
2) You offer a lot to this forum of value- that is what I believe.I thought I was offering a different opinion- not correcting you.
3) I responded to what you wrote- it is that simple.... nothing more- no need to be defensive., please.
4) I’m really sorry you are having a bad day.
5) I’m working on a phone, too- screwed up a response I sent to Friday-a message- I’m very technologically challenged myself today, too. Made me feel dumb when he said he didn’t know why I tagged him. Maybe tomorrow will be better for us both. Be well.?

 

[Keen]

Thanks for your thoughts, @Wilbur , I agree, gaining trust in a therapist is a long process. I have been with mine over a year now, and only now (and only sometimes, depending on what parts are up) feel some trust enough to talk about some harder things.
I think having the structure and support of a therapist will help more than reading a book too, but I love to learn and gain all the understanding and help I can. I think reading the book and trying it on my own, and also sharing the book with my therapist to see if they think its something they could do with me, are what I might try.

Good points, @Ronin , I was very narrowly focused, and there are multiple factors, not simply the two I could think of.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Keen Good points- hope this works to move you forward! Good luck.

 

[Tj Paradigm]

I need help thinking through this, and thought you might be able to help. My diagnoses are DID, PTSD, and OCD, so I put this in here because you all are maybe more likely to understand because you have other disorders besides PTSD.
Background:
Okay, so I have been unemployed for 6 years now. I quit my last job due to anxiety that was getting worse and worse and negatively affecting my health. I have been able to do a few odd jobs for friends (online data research, etc), but have been unable to get an actual job in these last 6 years.
I will look online for job postings, find ones that look like good opportunities, but when I am about to apply, I dissociate or have a panic attack and can't do it.
Thought process:
Not having a job for 6 years has to mean one of two things, either a character problem, or a mental problem, right?
Everyone who knows me tells me it is not a character problem. They see how much I try to get a job, how much I want to work, how much I hate every minute of being unemployed, and they say if it was a character problem I'd be relaxing and happy to not be working rather than the distressed, always-trying-to-find-a-solution way that I've been.
So that would make it a mental problem.
How do you fix mental problems? Usually through a mental health professional's help.
I've seen multiple therapists and counselors over the last 6 years, and none of them have been able to help me fix this inability-to-get-a-job problem. They all end up throwing up their hands and saying "I've run out of ideas."
So, does this mean my problem is un-fix-able?
Or is there a third option besides this being a character problem or a mental problem?
I just am kinda at a loss for what to do or try anymore.

Keen: I fully understand what you're conveying. Much of what we go through is the paralyzing effects of ptsd. It's not from laziness.

 

[Keen]

I never thought of that, @Tj's Paradigm Shift , I never connected it the the PTSD freeze response before, thanks for that insight!

 

[feixapreta]

Hey my friend! There is hope!! I've found several ways to get through anxiety. Pastors, mentors, cognitive behavioral therapists all have helped me. And they all have different focuses that really keep it well rounded. Have you tried any of these?

 

[Keen]

Thanks, @feixapreta , yes, I have tried those, but no luck yet.

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

Hey my friend! There is hope!! I've found several ways to get through anxiety. Pastors, mentors, cognitive behavioral therapists all have helped me. And they all have different focuses that really keep it well rounded. Have you tried any of these?

Thank you feixapreta for sharing some very important insight how to combine getting better. It comes down to renewed hope.

Thanks for your thoughts, @Wilbur , I agree, gaining trust in a therapist is a long process. I have been with mine over a year now, and only now (and only sometimes, depending on what parts are up) feel some trust enough to talk about some harder things.
I think having the structure and support of a therapist will help more than reading a book too, but I love to learn and gain all the understanding and help I can. I think reading the book and trying it on my own, and also sharing the book with my therapist to see if they think its something they could do with me, are what I might try.

Good points, @Ronin , I was very narrowly focused, and there are multiple factors, not simply the two I could think of.

I know very well how paralyzing ptsd can be. Narrowly focused is well said. Tunnel vision is a large part of that. Thank you for sharing.