Relationship Struggling with partner going through this tough time

[alanwp]

It must be very hard to go back to being just friends. I’m glad your trying to see things in a positive way. Sending support.

It's hard in some aspects yes of course. It will take some adjustments but after talking again this morning while she was working from home, I still feel it's the right thing, wether it changes in the future who knows.

Today Ive been started on my CBT to help with my anxiety/overthinking so that's timed nicely.

 

[alanwp]

Working latest this week, which in my line of work, when it's quiet there's nothing to do so of course my mind does overthinking, yeah I'm trying to control this with various things but sometimes it's hard and overwhelming.

Now, I know I've previously mentioned I'm not allowing myself to put in hopes into my mind about us getting back together, as that's unhealthy to hope for, but I understand that she is going to say "don't wait for me" when she's wanting to be alone to deal with this and effectively push me away in a relationship point of view.

But I can't help thinking.. one day she might come back to me, she already knows and admits her feelings towards me are there's just unable to action them due to disconnecting and shutting down to concentrate on the basics of life.

Just curious if anybody else has any experience in this type of thing?

Of course I will restate, I'm not allowing myself to put this hope or expectation in my mind. I'm learning slowly about my mind and that's the last thing I want when I'm trying to be the better person on myself!

Maybe I'm just rambling on whilst I try calm my mind. Who knows.

Hope anyone who reads this is well.

 

[EveHarrington]

I read somewhere that it’s good to have distance between yourself and an ex when moving from partners back to friends.

Had I known this, I would have handled things differently with my ex.

 

[alanwp]

I read somewhere that it’s good to have distance between yourself and an ex when moving from partners back to friends.

Had I known this, I would have handled things differently with my ex.

As much as I can see that might be the case for some, due to various factors right now we won't be able to move out from one another just yet, but other space can be given as and when required. She has actually asked if we could stay in the house together for supporting each other through this, at least for now.

 

[EveHarrington]

As much as I can see that might be the case for some, due to various factors right now we won't be able to move out from one another just yet, but other space can be given as and when required. She has actually asked if we could stay in the house together for supporting each other through this, at least for now.

It sounds like nothing is going to change other than the label. This is a common sufferer avoidance tactic. Just be sure that you’re taking care of yourself. Your heart doesn’t care about labels. If the intimacy level stays the same, but the label is different, it’s a royal mindfck. (Been there...)

I think everyone has to go through the “I’m going to be friends with my ex” thing at least once. I told one of my high school friends about trying to be friends with my ex and she says “that never works!” Damn, she was right.

Without healthy space, are you going to be ok if she starts talking to other guys? It could very well happen. There are countless stories on here about sufferers who leave a partner under the guise of going it alone, only to be with someone else a week later. New relationship infatuation is that powerful, it’s the perfect distraction.

Just be sure to take care of yourself.

 

[alanwp]

It sounds like nothing is going to change other than the label. This is a common sufferer avoidance tactic. Just be sure that you’re taking care of yourself. Your heart doesn’t care about labels. If the intimacy level stays the same, but the label is different, it’s a royal mindfck. (Been there...)

I think everyone has to go through the “I’m going to be friends with my ex” thing at least once. I told one of my high school friends about trying to be friends with my ex and she says “that never works!” Damn, she was right.

Without healthy space, are you going to be ok if she starts talking to other guys? It could very well happen. There are countless stories on here about sufferers who leave a partner under the guise of going it alone, only to be with someone else a week later. New relationship infatuation is that powerful, it’s the perfect distraction.

Just be sure to take care of yourself.

Yeah it's exactly that, the label has been removed and we are friends. This past few months we have basically been awkward friends with a label whilst she struggles along, with the added stress to herself for not giving us what a relationship needs.

If it's just her way of avoiding the stress of it, to focus on herself then I'm accepting of that. But as said before I'm not even going to bother hoping or expecting things to change again, even if she does start to feel a little better/relieved/less disconnected etc etc in the future.

Yeah if it was intimate as friends it would be a mindfck for definite and I wouldn't allow that to happen.

Judging by what she has explained, I doubt there would be anybody else coming into the picture, but if that was to happen I'm confident she would talk to me about it, and we would sort things accordingly.

Infact this evening she was asking if I was still able to help with the girls in September whilst she's on a work course still. I see things like that as positives that she's trying to organise herself in the future, instead of letting it be last minute panic.

I'm trying to focus on looking after myself more, we've both agreed that we are terrible at being ourselves and working on that is a priority for me. Couple that with the CBT I've just started, the meditation I do at work while on dayshifts, and the reading I'm doing to understand how my mind works.. I'm hoping I can be more of a better rounded individual too.

 

[LovingH]

It's interesting..I often wonder if the 'let's be friends" is to sort of assauge that person's guilt or discomfort. I've not been able to be friends with an ex until a lot of time passed.

My ex said a couple of times, that we should "transition into being friends." I told him my feelings were too strong to do that. In the last IM convo where he seemed really hostile towards me, he said 'I thought moving to friends would be a good transition for us, but tbh now I am not even sure I can do THAT." My thoughts were, well, I already TOLD you I can't be 'just friends' with you. And ow. Was that just him trying to hurt me? Still not sure where the hostility came from.

Strangely enough, since me and the ex w PTSD broke up, I've had more than 1 ex hitting me up. One of them, I dated 11 yrs ago and now he's having problems in his marriage..hmm, I guess I wasn't such a bad gf after all :/

None of them are the ex I TRULY want to talk to, tho. :(

But yeah pls be careful. It is true..it could get sticky if she decides to start dating. How will you feel? Maybe you guys should discuss boundaries.

 

[EveHarrington]

My ex said a couple of times, that we should "transition into being friends." I told him my feelings were too strong to do that.

Yeah I freak out and say the same thing, let’s be friends. (Conveniently forgetting how bad things went with my last ex and trying to be friends.) He says we could never be friends because his feelings are too strong and then lays down a mile long list of boundaries that would apply if we were only friends. I know that being just friends would crush him so badly, he’s never loved anyone before like he’s loved me. I couldn’t do that to him, I could never hurt him like I was hurt.

 

[alanwp]

It's interesting..I often wonder if the 'let's be friends" is to sort of assauge that person's guilt or discomfort. I've not been able to be friends with an ex until a lot of time passed.

But yeah pls be careful. It is true..it could get sticky if she decides to start dating. How will you feel? Maybe you guys should discuss boundaries.

I believe that doing this is allowing her to feel less guilty about not being able to be there properly in a relationship. She explained she knows her feelings about it are there (as well as other things not related to the relationship) but is unable to focus on them and act on them, or feel pressured by herself to act on them. As she is having to fight just to function on looking after the girls, and working etc. doesnt have the energy

Her anxiety and panic levels sky rocketed recently and I was triggering that, by just being there as a partner. So again, it's avoiding feeling like that.

She has said to me, she doesn't want or feel the need to be with anybody, and I trust her on this. She has given me this "get out" card a few times before offering me to step back until she's in a better position, but I didn't take it.. and now it's a hard fast break up.

I truly believe she won't be wanting to date or have anybody else involved, and she wouldn't do that right Infront of me in fear of hurting me, under this shut down state I know she's still there and cares for me, even if it only shows occasionally. Infact she did lay down the "don't bring other women around here" boundary herself to me when talking about the living arrangements.

Yeah I freak out and say the same thing, let’s be friends. (Conveniently forgetting how bad things went with my last ex and trying to be friends.) He says we could never be friends because his feelings are too strong and then lays down a mile long list of boundaries that would apply if we were only friends. I know that being just friends would crush him so badly, he’s never loved anyone before like he’s loved me. I couldn’t do that to him, I could never hurt him like I was hurt.

I didn't think I could just be friends but when I say and thought about it, we've got years of just being friends behind us, nothing has changed other than the fact I love her deeply. I've told her that, and I know deep down that's how she feels about it too, she showed the emotions the other day.

I'm doing the right thing to allow herself to try get better. Otherwise we would have fallen out completely in the struggle of stress to keep a relationship "working" when it wasn't. And then I would have truly lost everything.

Don't get me wrong, it's hard, but I dunno I'm just gonna have to see the positives, and make sure I'm okay, while supporting her when she needs it.

I'm not thinking about making any decisions about another relationship with anybody else for a long time now, which could be seen as me "waiting" for her, but at the same time.. I need to heal myself too.. I just need to figure out a way to accept we are just friends.

 

[Hojay]

@alanwp I hear you, and this must be a true struggle. I also understand that you are trying to do what’s best for her, while also trying to take care of yourself and your own heart. I do wonder, though, she seems to now be getting all the benefits of a relationship, i.e. care for her children, someone to lean on, help with the household, etc. without having to give anything in return. What are you getting out of it? Except for having her close by still, that is. To keep yourself in this position for her well being only is codependent.

Breaking up is HARD, and even harder when that person sticks around and still receives the benefits of our affection towards them. You need to think of yourself first. I’m sure you can somewhat see this working, but from our collective experience here, there’s always the danger that we’re in deep denial about our own motives and hope for the future. We can become desperate, and accept the crumbs of a friendship just to not have to face the pain of a true ending.

 

[alanwp]

@alanwp I hear you, and this must be a true struggle. I also understand that you are trying to do what’s best for her, while also trying to take care of yourself and your own heart. I do wonder, though, she seems to now be getting all the benefits of a relationship, i.e. care for her children, someone to lean on, help with the household, etc. without having to give anything in return. What are you getting out of it? Except for having her close by still, that is. To keep yourself in this position for her well being only is codependent.

Breaking up is HARD, and even harder when that person sticks around and still receives the benefits of our affection towards them. You need to think of yourself first. I’m sure you can somewhat see this working, but from our collective experience here, there’s always the danger that we’re in deep denial about our own motives and hope for the future. We can become desperate, and accept the crumbs of a friendship just to not have to face the pain of a true ending.

Hello, I understand what you are saying, you are correct it may seem that way, but in actual fact she is not asking me to do anything, and doesn't expect me to, and is happy to live independently like she always used to.

Yeah I'll be helping around the house and such, but as it's my current home too that's acceptable.

What I'm getting out of it is.. no stress of finding another house to rent alone, with pets and multiple cars, is hard enough. The money side of things. And the fact when she's in an okay mood we can have a laugh and spend time in each others company.

I admit I'm not looking forward to living alone just now.. But as it was on the cards already.. I do think she will probably want to move out soon, I feel that even though she was asking if we are okay to live together and support each other, that with her mood changing so rapidly I know she will still be looking at leaving.

But then again looking back at it all, her mind races through so many thoughts it's hard to keep track on what she actually wants Vs what she's thinking/talking about.

Two days ago she was in bits, messaging me about us and how we are doing, and various other things. Yesterday it turned into shut down mode with little contact, and likewise this morning when I saw her briefly, she's clearly shutting it all down, so no doubt won't hear anything from her today anyway.

I know this is probably not an ideal situation, but I'm sure I can cope so long as I don't drop into the mindset of what if, and hope.

 

[Freida]

She explained she knows her feelings about it are there (as well as other things not related to the relationship) but is unable to focus on them and act on them, or feel pressured by herself to act on them. As she is having to fight just to function on looking after the girls, and working etc. doesnt have the energy

yep. Been here -- without the extra pressure of kids. When I'm in this place I do all I can to push everyone away because they are energy sucking vampires. Doesn't matter if I love them. vampires.

I'm doing the right thing to allow herself to try get bette

Yes -- best road to take. But no gaurnetees about where it will eventually end up

We can become desperate, and accept the crumbs of a friendship just to not have to face the pain of a true ending.

This ^^^ I'm not saying sufferers are manipulative -- at least not on purpose -- but ....this...

it's hard to keep track on what she actually wants Vs what she's thinking/talking about.

That's because she proabably doesn't know. When I'm in this place? Love hubby/want him dead. Want to stay/cant wait to escape going to run/going to stay home Quit job/change job/stop working and live under bridge get a divorce/stay married.... and so on
And that can all be in my head in the same 5 minutes.

If you haven't see it yet you might check out this thread....
What are they thinking

lots of sufferer/supporter thoughts that might help...