Relationship Struggling with partner going through this tough time

[alanwp]

This messes with your mind. It’s not her job to calm you down after a breakup! Trying to make you feel better just causes more problems.



Uhm no....

She broke your heart. You are allowed to feel royally shitty. Just because she’s being nice doesn’t mean you can’t be upset.

This really is a weird one. She's reverted to being the good friends we always was, so when I was in a state last night all she was doing was giving me basic strategies to calm down whilst she had hold of my hand.. which set me off again cause I was like... I'm going to miss that ? but that's my problem.

She's acknowledged I'm allowed to be upset, and expects that.

Few close friends have told me I need to start looking after myself, lower my expectations, and get myself enjoying me, as they seem to think I've always put other before me, then when this happens I'm lost because I don't know how to cope with myself alone!

Yeah..talk about mixed messages.

I felt like my ex was giving me mixed messages, too. :(

Not sure if I class this as mixed messages or more my anxiety of other thinking creating it out of nothing, because on the whole, she's not exactly been trying to be close, just been trying to be a friend and ask if I'm okay..


I'm hopefully getting a bed to put in the spare room tomorrow for own space, and go from there. Living situation might seem odd to others but factoring in the fact I feel we can do this as friends for now, whilst it helps us both money wise, and support when needed, until we both decide what we want to do individually.
Renting in this country is hard, specially the area I'm in, nowhere likes if you have pets, and my need for parking/garage space causes it to be even harder. So I'll be looking at lowering my expectations I instilled into my mind for my future, and buy a house on my own.

 

[Hojay]

when I was in a state last night all she was doing was giving me basic strategies to calm down whilst she had hold of my hand.. which set me off again cause I was like... I'm going to miss that ? but that's my problem

That’s the thing though, it’s not your problem. Of course you’re going to react when she takes your hand because your heart is broken. She shouldn’t have introduced that kind of intimacy after breaking up. I understand that your heart longs for that, but it just isn’t fair. It’s one thing to have relationship debriefs, it’s another to talk each other through the emotionality of it and be each other’s shoulder to lean on. I wonder how one could ever move on from a break up like that. I’m sure she is a good person, but she is not helping you right now, nor should she be.

 

[Friday]

I'm just literally going to have to properly accept this is it.. back to friends.. different living arrangements and then my future plan is to go back to the small city/town and buy a small house on my own instead of hoping and wanting these imaginary goals I have set myself, and avoid living in a tiny village on my own hating life.

I like this plan. Good on, moving forward.

I'm hopefully getting a bed to put in the spare room tomorrow for own space, and go from there. Living situation might seem odd to others but factoring in the fact I feel we can do this as friends for now, whilst it helps us both money wise, and support when needed, until we both decide what we want to do individually.

Ditto.

Not really odd around here. Housing is extremely expensive in these parts and even divorced couples without kids who split amicably often live together for quite some time after the divorce, and those with kids -who can afford seperate places- are more and more choosing to live together for up to a few years, just to make the transition a lot more fluid. It’s not an easy dynamic, especially in the beginnings (beginning of splitting up, beginning of dating other people, etc.) but whilst it’s still more common for people to move house, it’s not odd at all for exes to be living together in this neck of the woods.

She shouldn’t have introduced that kind of intimacy after breaking up. I

I couldn’t disagree, more.

Many people do actually remain friends after breaking up. Some very good friends. And there is intimacy in friendship.

Sure, a lot of people can’t be friends after breaking up, and a lot of other break up with assholes (wouldn’t want to be friends with them! We broke up because he/she is an asshole I don’t want anywhere near my life!) ... by whilst defining new boundaries can sometimes be painful? It doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. It just means that here’s a very natural adjustment going on, where holding hands or hugging doesn’t turn into making out which doesn’t turn into sex. Because there’s a new line. Here. It’s okay to miss where the old line was, and still appreciate the hell out of the new line. Losing a lover doesn’t have to mean you’ve also lost a friend.

 

[EveHarrington]

Many people do actually remain friends after breaking up. Some very good friends. And there is intimacy in friendship.

Yes, but it’s usually better to have space before returning to a close friendship.

I’ll argue to the day I die that anyone who can flip from intense intimacy to “I’m perfectly ok being friends” in an instant......well, it never was true love, and the person never carried a real flame for you. In fact, I’d even argue that there was some fcked up personality shit going on. Normal people can’t/don’t turn on a dime when it comes to deeper REAL feelings.

So, yeah, Hojay was indeed right. She should not have introduced intimacy back so soon after a breakup because it’s one giant mind fck. Been there, done that, was in his position, and it’s cruel beyond fcking cruel because you’re uhm what’s the word, breadcrumbing on the most horrid of levels.

 

[Friday]

I’d even argue that there was some fcked up personality shit going on. Normal people can’t/don’t turn on a dime when it comes to deeper REAL feelings

But normal people do have self control. Their emotions don’t dictate their behaviors, and they’re able to treat someone with respect to the role in their life, even if it disagrees with how they feel. Which means you can love someone profoundly, but know it’s not going to work romantically; and both still love them as a friend and treat them as a friend, even if that’s not what you want -or all you feel- in that moment. Eros & Amos can both exist, both be felt, but only Amos is acted upon.

Of course it’s easier if Eros isn’t there, at all, but that’s more common in amicable divorces; as there have years for the emotion to fade, staying together not because you’re in love, but for other reasons.

 

[Ronin]

She should not have introduced intimacy

There is also the bit where this sounds like blaming the woman...
For something she is not doing.

By definition:
Intimacy is a feeling / relation one has to someone else...
& You cannot just induce it in people or force it, without them being into it.
The choice belongs to whoever feels intimate, in any sense.
For it is just about their feeling.

You can force intimate acts. But that ruins intimacy, proximity & trust & sharing a vulnerable space.

So she is doing nothing, but expressing she still cares for the person she broke up with.

Just caring is miiles away from mindf*ck, or trying to manipulate the other person.

 

[EveHarrington]

But normal people do have self control. Their emotions don’t dictate their behaviors, and they’re able to treat someone with respect to the role in their life, even if it disagrees with how they feel. Which means you can love someone profoundly, but know it’s not going to work romantically; and both still love them as a friend and treat them as a friend, even if that’s not what you want -or all you feel- in that moment. Eros & Amos can both exist, both be felt, but only Amos is acted upon.

Of course it’s easier if Eros isn’t there, at all, but that’s more common in amicable divorces; as there have years for the emotion to fade, staying together not because you’re in love, but for other reasons.

We aren’t talking about self control.

Good lord.

People who actually can feel.....know that feelings can’t just be shut off.

I don’t think you have actual feelings so I’m done talking to you.

 

[Friday]

I don’t think you have actual feelings

:hilarious: That’s actually kind of hilarious. I needed that laugh today, thank you.

People who actually can feel.....know that feelings can’t just be shut off.

I never once said feelings can be shut off. Although they can, thats even a symptom of the disorder we both share, but that’s beside the point // wasn’t what I was talking about whatsoever.

What I said was that behaviors don’t have to reflect feelings. You can stop a behavior on a dime. Or at least, most people can. I don’t know if you can or not. And that might be the foundation of this misunderstanding. If you can’t change your behaviors around someone you have feelings for, regardless of whether you’re still together or not? Then it would make total sense that you have to be miles away from that person, and could rarely if ever be friends with them. Because if you were still in the same space not only would the changed role hurt, which is normal, but actually be impossible for you to manage.

It’s a hallmark of abusive relationships to stay and stay and stay as long as there is any love left.

Healthy relationships? Often end when both people still feel something for the other person, and nearly always end with at least one person still being in love. (Do I have to caveat that I’m not talking about new relationships or one sided relationships, here, but ones where both people have been in love with each other? Apparently.) Some people? Can exist IN that state of still having feelings for someone, still being in love with them, and still being friends. The feelings are still there, at least for awhile, but the roles have changed. Which means the behaviors have changed. Of course, some people can’t be friends with exes, or can but only with a little bit of time and distance to let old feelings and expectations settle, and new roles and rules to assert themselves. Shrug. People are different. Some people can easily remain friends, some people struggle to remain friends, some people can only be friends under certain conditions, and some people can’t be friends at all.

It isn’t a thing that if it’s ended AND you’re still friends... then they never really loved you. They may, in point of fact, still love you. (( That they still love you doesn’t mean you’ll get back together. In fact, it makes it less likely, because they were willing to break up with you whilst loving you.... And it takes some pretty hard/strong reasons to love someone enough that you let them go, rather than string them along, when you know it isn’t going to work.))

I can’t speak to Miss-AlanWPs feelings. I don’t know her.

But I can say that being able to be friends with someone you’ve broken up with? Does NOT mean they never really loved you. From both personal experience (I’ve broken up with people I still loved, and was friends with them afterward), and from the experience of many many many of my friends. Because the pint of icecream and “all men are dogs! Who needs them! Not us!” conversations? Are sometimes tear filled “It’s so hard, when I want to do is climb into bed with him and promise I didn’t mean it, and it could work! It could really work and be wonderful!... Except I know I can’t. Because it can’t work. And it’s not fair to either of us to pretend it can.”

People are complicated. Relationships are complicated. People can feel one way, and act another. That’s self control.

 

[joeylittle]

@EveHarrington - come off it.

People who actually can feel.....know that feelings can’t just be shut off.

I don’t think people with PTSD - who deal with a lot of dysregulated feelings - are really in a position to be utter experts on the managing of feelings.

I don’t think you have actual feelings so I’m done talking to you.

This thread is not about you and who you are or are not going to talk to.

This area is supporter discussion. Sufferers are welcome to post and read here, but these threads are not where we make it all about us.

Thread-banned, here. And dont carry the disagreement into profile posts.

Back to thread.

 

[Hojay]

To clarify, I was not implying that this woman is screwed up, manipulative, or otherwise trying to be consciously cruel. That said, I still stand by the notion that, given the context of this breakup and the obvious struggle on part of the OP, she isn’t particularly helping him find a clean break.

Intimacy is a feeling / relation one has to someone else...
& You cannot just induce it in people or force it, without them being into it.
The choice belongs to whoever feels intimate, in any sense.
For it is just about their feeling.

True, we can’t “make” people feel anything. So essentially, yes, the OP is responsible for not putting himself in that position if it hurts. But, and this is a huge but, just because we’re responsible for our own feelings it doesn’t mean that others don’t sometimes behave in ways that make it particularly hard. It’s too much to expect from someone who was broken up with to immediately shut down all behavior on the other’s part that may look hopeful to reconciliation because, well, they’re hopeful they’ll reconcile. So I still believe that it is, in a kind and healthy setup, largely up to the person who ends things to establish and maintain behavior that doesn’t give the other unnecessary hope or makes moving on otherwise more difficult.

Some people can easily remain friends, some people struggle to remain friends, some people can only be friends under certain conditions, and some people can’t be friends at all.

Yes, maybe she is the type of person who can easily transition into being friends. But clearly the OP isn’t in that space or he would not be on here trying to figure out what happened. It’s normal for the breakupee to live with a certain amount of hope that things will return to the way they were, especially when dealing with a mental illness that has caused a certain level of ups and downs throughout the relationship. So it’s to be expected that certain behaviors will be interpreted as good or hopeful signs, and I’d include physical contact, long emotional conversations, and using the other person as a shoulder to lean on. In healthy relationships, even if friendship is possible in short order, the person who breaks up will not put the other person in that position precisely because they care about this friend and don’t want to give them false hope. It’s normal and healthy to keep some distance to let the other catch up to what’s happened.

So what you’re saying Friday, I think applies to mutual breakups where both have moved on to some extent, but not so much when one person quite clearly isn’t in agreement with the relationship ending.

When I break up with someone I love, and it’s evident they aren’t in that same space, I will not be holding that person’s hand or be creating some sort of emotional intimacy, use them as a shoulder to lean on, or let them continue doing things for me that are part of a relationship. I would see it as my responsibility to create boundaries there for my and their sake.

 

[Friday]

I will not be holding that person’s hand or be creating some sort of emotional intimacy, use them as a shoulder to lean on, or let them continue doing things for me that are part of a relationship. I would see it as my responsibility to create boundaries there for my and their sake.

For me, that means the friendship is over, as well as the relationship.

 

[Friday]

So what you’re saying Friday, I think applies to mutual breakups where both have moved on to some extent, but not so much when one person quite clearly isn’t in agreement with the relationship ending

Not in my experience.

One of the people I learned how to be friends with exes after, real friends not just the “lets just be friends” lie... was very much there for me through some really hard times. And good ones. And, no. I didn’t want to be broken up with him, at all. I loved the hell out of him.

I remember very clearly doing the laugh-cry thing at one point telling him “THIS is how you get on so well with all your exes, huh?”

He just kind of did the shrug laugh thing, and said “Pretty much.”

There is a learning curve to these kinds of things. And I’m sure it helped that the guys I dated early on were damn fine, so I had good people to learn from. I think if I’d been dating malicious bastards, or cold fish, I’d probably have a very different outlook on things.