Thank you
@joeylittle
Flat affect is a pretty specific thing. What you are describing isn’t that.
Yeah, I agree. When reading up on flat affect, I didn't see myself in that.
I generally didn't see myself in flat affect. I'm a very communicative person that talks a lot, but usually not about personal things. If I do have to talk about very personal things, I tend to become particularly overflowing and casual, with a lot of downplaying (which, as I mentioned, I realize can come across as bragging, because how can someone possibly cheerly and casually talk about for example how burned out they are and how f*cked up their family is at times, like it's the most normal thing in the world? ;) ).
You mentioned that when you just think about it on your own, you become upset. That would indicate you’ve got feelings you’ve not been able to fully express, certainly.
But when that phenomenon is taken alongside an ability to maintain control when talking about it - without flattening ones affect - that’s honestly a good indicator that you don’t have PTSD, at least not around that specific event.
Trauma processing makes a thing called “memory re-consolidation” happen. Memory re-consolidation refers to what happens when a past event that has become lodged in your mind - almost as if it’s still happening (ie PTSD) - is merged back into the stream of your memories - the past. Which is where it belongs.
But see, that's the thing (and that's why I even consider the
possibility of PTSD to begin with - which again, and which I can't stress enough, I do understand that I may just not have it), that specific event has very real impacts on me in the here and now even over a decade later that are very obviously tied to that event, including (but not limited to) avoidance of certain things/situations, particular hypervigilance in the same or similar situations, and very specific nightmares. It is like it is still haunting me, still lingering around. Not completely processed because I never did process it. And I absolutely do try to avoid thinking and talking about it, have been ever since it happened. But since my mind is stupid and just never will shut up, once these memories persistently, while involuntarily, stay on my mind because of other stressors (e.g. my last night terror which triggered extremely strong and upsetting memories of the trauma out of nowhere) I may reach a point where I become almost numb towards it, very distanced - exhausted from trying to fight it , so switching to a different coping mode?. Or if I
have to talk to someone about it, like a therapist (because when being asked upfront if there was a trauma and what kind of trauma, I can't say "no"; I cannot lie. I'm a very analytical and very honest person). I don't think I'd be able to do that with someone close, someone who >actually< knows me. When out and about, I'm always extremely focused on self control - I think I've mentioned that at some point, I'm wearing a mask most of the time, almost like being someone else. And I felt like that when talking about that trauma. I was able to talk about it. I
knew it had happened to me, but it didn't feel like it had actually happened to
me. And I wonder if that's why I could talk about it in such a casual way.
As you may have noticed, I have still not written about that trauma here on the forum. I don't really want to. For one thing, because it's extremely personal, or at least feels like that (though I usually find it very easy to talk about personal things under the anonymity of the internet). But mostly, I just don't want to think about it. Like I know and I can say that there was a trauma. But I do not want to write about the specifics because I don't want to think about them.
And I realize this sounds very weird, or at least it feels like this to me, almost contradictory, that's why I asked for input :) And I absolutely value your info on memory re-consolidation. Because I'm learning so much, which helps trying to make sense of this and understanding this.
Side-note: Even if some may not believe that, which is fine, but I'm really not trying to convince myself or anyone else that I really do have PTSD, after all. All I'm trying is to understand the things I'm feeling and experiencing. And yes, that's what a therapist is for, but sessions are only like once a month and all of you have a ton of knowledge and own experience, so I'm hoping to also draw from that pool.
