Best friend lying about spending time with my abuser.

[Montgomery]

I'm really upset atm.
I had this friend who i was really close to, especially before the breakup with my abusive ex. And a while after the breakup i basically told him that if he was still gonna associate with my ex i couldn't be around him anymore for a while, possibly ever.
I just couldn't stand hearing about him or what he's doing etc etc. It's just way too triggering and sends my mind to horrible places and honestly kind of makes me a little suicidal.
It was an easy desicion for him to stop talking to my ex considering they were never really that close.

He didn't know why i essentially asked him to "pick a side" at this point. Probably thought it was normal ex bf drama. Which is why i forgave him when he broke the promise to stop associating with him the first time.
Then he did it again, when he had more information. Which hurt A LOT. He knew it would and apologized a million times and told me he would block my ex on every platform and never see him again.
I gave him yet another chance cuz im an idiot, but also because i had told him pretty much everything this time and he also knew i was in a really bad state of mind and often suicidal, so i didn't think he would make that promise again with even the smallest chance he could break it. I was 100% sure he wouldn't do it again.

But then two nights ago he did. And im just really shaken up about it.
This time he knew about the abuse my ex put me through. He knew how unwell i am and how something like that could really cause some damage. He knew it would break my heart.
It just makes no sense to me, it feels so surreal. We were really really good friends, like take a bullet for each other kind of friends. I thought anyway.
I'm in shock. And knowing he's hanging out with and talking to my ex makes me go crazy and im imagining all these horrible things. I can literally hear them talking in my head. My PTSD is a lot worse. I'm feeling more suicidal.

He basically knew all of that would happen and did it anyway. It just feels like a dream and i want to die.

 

[Friday]

It just makes no sense to me, it feels so surreal. We were really really good friends, like take a bullet for each other kind of friends. I thought anyway.

I had to walk away from a group of really amazing people, that I’d known for over 10 years; vacationed together/stood up for at weddings, etc. who did much the same.

I talked with one of them several years later, who had been extremely hurt and confused about why I had cut them all off... so we had a bit of distance to hash things out.

Their standpoint was that I would undoubtedly “settle down” given a little bit of time / they were nearly all of them children of divorce, and that was both their experience with their own parents, and what they thought best for MY kid; remaining neutral parties that he would know still loved him and BOTH his parents.. and for me, being that backdrop of mutual support for friends in a hard time. They never thought in a million years I would actually just walk away from them all.

I told him at this point, I really did understand. I liked my ex enough to MARRY him, and believed his lies enough to keep coming back, and allowing him back, time after time after time. So I could hardly fault anyone else who did the exact same thing I did, much less less than that (a BBQ is less commitment than a marriage). But that this wasn’t a normal divorce. This was a domestic violence divorce. And I spelled out that meant beatings, and rape, and attempts on my life.

(Which really, really shocked him. Even though I know I had told them this back when, because I was pissed the f*ck off at having to carry my xrays with me because TheEx said I was exaggerating, to prove to my so called friends I wasn’t just being hyperbolic or trying to get a better deal in the divorce. Right before I said, nope. No more. And cut them all out.)

I told him I understood that they didn’t want to believe that their friend was the kind of person who would beat his wife, much less drug and rape her, or abuse his kid. It was easier for them to believe I was just angry at being cheated at, was saying things I didn’t really mean (I don’t do that, like ever, but people believe what they want to) and would “settle down” given a bit of time. But that wasn’t what happened. He abused me. He abused my son. And he spent the next several years stalking, harassing, assaulting, and periodically attempting to kill me after the divorce.

It’s hard enough to convince yourself to leave in domestic violence. I couldn’t keep spending time with people who made that even harder. Who didn’t believe me.

Like I said, he was really really shocked.

In some ways? I think more at himself? Because he DID remember my showing him restraining orders, and xrays, and he couldn’t figure out why he thought they didn’t mean what they actually meant. He didn’t want to be the kind of person who would not help a battered woman/kid, but he also couldn’t reconcile that’s what we were. Until several years later when we were catching up over coffee.

I just underlined that I understood. I married the asshole, so I understood liking him. I made excuses for him for years, so I understood looking for any other possible explanation than that he was an abusive f*cktard. I very much understood the whole denial-thing & didn’t hold it against him. Now. Several years later. Even back then, to a degree. It just hurt a lot more then.

 

[Montgomery]

I had to walk away from a group of really amazing people, that I’d known for over 10 years; vacationed together/stood up for at weddings, etc. who did much the same.

I talked with one of them several years later, who had been extremely hurt and confused about why I had cut them all off... so we had a bit of distance to hash things out.

Their standpoint was that I would undoubtedly “settle down” given a little bit of time / they were nearly all of them children of divorce, and that was both their experience with their own parents, and what they thought best for MY kid; remaining neutral parties that he would know still loved him and BOTH his parents.. and for me, being that backdrop of mutual support for friends in a hard time. They never thought in a million years I would actually just walk away from them all.

I told him at this point, I really did understand. I liked my ex enough to MARRY him, and believed his lies enough to keep coming back, and allowing him back, time after time after time. So I could hardly fault anyone else who did the exact same thing I did, much less less than that (a BBQ is less commitment than a marriage). But that this wasn’t a normal divorce. This was a domestic violence divorce. And I spelled out that meant beatings, and rape, and attempts on my life.

(Which really, really shocked him. Even though I know I had told them this back when, because I was pissed the f*ck off at having to carry my xrays with me because TheEx said I was exaggerating, to prove to my so called friends I wasn’t just being hyperbolic or trying to get a better deal in the divorce. Right before I said, nope. No more. And cut them all out.)

I told him I understood that they didn’t want to believe that their friend was the kind of person who would beat his wife, much less drug and rape her, or abuse his kid. It was easier for them to believe I was just angry at being cheated at, was saying things I didn’t really mean (I don’t do that, like ever, but people believe what they want to) and would “settle down” given a bit of time. But that wasn’t what happened. He abused me. He abused my son. And he spent the next several years stalking, harassing, assaulting, and periodically attempting to kill me after the divorce.

It’s hard enough to convince yourself to leave in domestic violence. I couldn’t keep spending time with people who made that even harder. Who didn’t believe me.

Like I said, he was really really shocked.

In some ways? I think more at himself? Because he DID remember my showing him restraining orders, and xrays, and he couldn’t figure out why he thought they didn’t mean what they actually meant. He didn’t want to be the kind of person who would not help a battered woman/kid, but he also couldn’t reconcile that’s what we were. Until several years later when we were catching up over coffee.

I just underlined that I understood. I married the asshole, so I understood liking him. I made excuses for him for years, so I understood looking for any other possible explanation than that he was an abusive f*cktard. I very much understood the whole denial-thing & didn’t hold it against him. Now. Several years later. Even back then, to a degree. It just hurt a lot more then.

Wow that's terrible. I'm sorry you had to endure that but it sounds like it taught you a lot. Always a silver lining i suppose...

The thing with my friend is that i feel like he understood. He reacted as if he did. He definetly understood the part about it affecting me in a horribly negative way.
I can't forgive him or understand him just because i took that same person back before. I never did it at anyone elses expense.
Guessing i'll just have to come to terms with the fact that he's in the past now and move on from it all. What else can i do right.

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s probably for the best.

Your friend has chosen to be friends with an abusive asshole. Best to not be around people who willingly choose to have evil in their lives.

Now you have room for healthy friends.

 

[Justmehere]

To offer to block him and then not... yeah. That hurts. Good to know now he’s unreliable with his word.

 

[Montgomery]

It’s probably for the best.

Your friend has chosen to be friends with an abusive asshole. Best to not be around people who willingly choose to have evil in their lives.

Now you have room for healthy friends.

Yeah for sure. Good riddance to him but OUCH.