I wasn’t speaking generally,
@Hojay.
@caligirl both knows how I talk, and has been here a long time. She’s pretty badass about figuring out what she can & cannot tolerate, as well as will -v- wants to, and there have been several times where she’s laid things out & stuck to them, fully aware the consequence might end the relationship, but they were important lines for her to keep. So she did. She’s wicked good at evaluating what she needs & wants, and re-evaluating as the situation changes. Like when you have kids? Needs change. Ditto living together, apart, work, school, the whole 9. So I’m not worried about her clinging to some idea of who her Beau might/could be, and sinking into some profoundly unhealthy/abusive or imaginary relationship. I’m equally unworried about her being hell in high heels or a psychcrazystalkerbitch who only tells the part of the story that makes her look good. She’s super up front about where she’s struggling, what she’s considering, if/when she’s in the wrong, or may have been, considers other points of view extremely well, but end of the day is not shy about saying “suck it” when she knows she’s right. She’s smart. She’s good people.
And because I know all of this about her? I don’t have to speak generally. She’s got damn good instincts. And should trust herself.
If she feels she was in the wrong? She probably was. Conversely if she feels like she’s beating herself up over shit that aint her fault? It probably wasn’t and she probably is. If she feels there
may be a way to fix things? There probably is, but it ain’t guaranteed, it’s a maybe outside of her hands. If she feels someone needs a come to Jesus meeting about how saying “I’m done” does NOT mean with the relationship, or you, so stop jumping to conclusions and believe me about what I mean when I say that? -vs- this is a really hard line for them, and dammit, I am TRYING, so cut me some slack whilst I learn how? -vs- it’s straws and camels time? She’s got a reeeeally good head on her shoulders, and her heart is in the right place. So I trust her assessment of the situation, completely. Ditto, if her assessment changes, because she either read something wrong, got new info, or the situation itself changes. She’s one of those rare kinds of people, that you can simply trust. Not because she’s always right, or always in the right, or never playful, never wrong... but because she’s really honest <<< Which is prolly part of why Beau is having so much trouble with “I’m done”. Aside from that being a common military thing (you don’t quit, ever, and the more you want to the more you dig deep), when you believe what someone says unreservedly it’s a difficult thing to
not believe them in one small area. It can be done, it’s just incrediably challenging. The fear/risk one takes in attempting to do so -or at least, one of the big ones- is that it is equally to far more likely to destroy your view of them, and preserving the idea that THIS is a person I can trust, when you don’t trust many, easily, or well? Can seem far more vital. How you do it, IME, is admit they’re human. This is their flaw. You can still trust a person with a flaw. It doesn’t invalidate the
rest of the honesty, nor make you wrong to trust what
else they say.
Negotiating a hard limit isn’t impossible... but it’s a seriously tricky thing to do. And it runs a lot of risks. The spirit of the law is harder than the letter of the law. The one way you don’t do it is tit for tat. 5 zillion soft limits, whether socks or grand theft auto don’t add up to one hard limit.
